I find myself feeling isolated even though I am constantly surrounded by friends and family. Last night I lay awake feeling withered after spending an enjoyable evening with friends. My mind wandered restlessly seeking an explanation to why I was feeling that way. Then it occurred to me, I don’t remember the last time I was touched. I don’t mean bumped or brushed or the quick obligatory goodbye hug. I mean intentionally touched.
Life with Jon was overflowing with affectionate touch, sometimes overwhelmingly or frustratingly so. He constantly would come up behind me while I was in the middle of doing something and give me a surprise bear hug. In fact, in the middle of doing something was his favorite time to try and sneak in a hug or kiss. We were almost in constant connection. Whether it was holding hands while we were walking, leaning against each other watching tv, or just the small touches in conversation or our habit of smacking each other’s butt when we passed each other through the house. Even though neither of us were prone to cuddling when it was time to sleep, there was usually at least some part of us touching, hand to elbow or knee to thigh. There were lots of times when one of us would roll over and our hands would brush against each other and we would instinctively entwine our fingers.
I’m not good at talking about emotional things until I have had time to process them. But often I would still need comfort even if I wasn’t ready to talk. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or upset it wasn’t conversation or distraction I craved, it was one of Jon’s amazing, enveloping hugs. Just a few minutes of that close contact with the person I trusted most would release much of the weight of whatever situation was distressing me.
Jon fulfilled my need for affectionate touch so completely I had no need to find it elsewhere. As an introvert I tend to keep my circle of intimate friends quite small, to be honest, he was the only one in that circle for the past couple of years. Now that space is empty and I am aching from the lack. My family loves me and is unquestionably supportive but not really touchy-feely, nor do we really discuss or display emotions. (Even emotional displays on tv are scoffed at.) It’s not that we can’t per se, it’s just not done. The friends that I have are great and I enjoy being with them. The relationships I have with them are mostly about doing fun things together or having interesting conversations (both of which I really need in my life right now), but not really sharing our hearts.
I know the fault lies on me. I’m horrible about sharing and I tend to keep people at arm’s length. Jon was always really good about getting people to share with him and he needed that skill to be in a relationship with me. Even after being married for years, he sometimes had to almost force stuff out of me.
For me being comfortable with affectionate touch comes with emotional intimacy. Right at this moment there is not a single person who *knows* me. Lots of people know various parts of me, but there really isn’t anyone who knows what I am passionate about, what I am afraid of, what breaks my heart, what I believe, or who I want to be. So I find myself in a state of being unknown and untouched.
I know that it is up to me to change. I have to learn to open up and trust people with my heart. It’s a frightening prospect, but for my own emotional well-being, I have to start trusting people with more of me. This blog is a start, but it’s impersonal. People can choose to read it or scroll past it without me feeling any risk or rejection. It’s a start, but I am going to have to start saying some of these things out loud.
I am trembling at the idea of publishing this. I am truly afraid that I might hurt someone’s feelings or make people feel like they have to start treating me differently. This is just me trying to be honest with where I am at. More than any other previous post, this one makes me feel incredibly vulnerable even though, if I am really being honest there are still parts of this topic that I am holding back.
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Psalm 25:15-17
My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.
Oh Erica… I am so happy you are sharing. You have always been a mystery to me. I am a introvert forced to be social because of my family. As you know, we are huggers, kissers, sharers and are extremely affectionate. Sitting next to you Jons service all I wanted to do was grab your hand but I held back because I did not want you to feel uncomfortable. My wish is that you but especially the babies grow up to know the cousin love that Jon, Jerm and Benji felt! We were apart but loved each other so much! We grew up together and had a ball. I wish to get to know you better on a more emotional level and I know that it will take time. I still feel this very strong “pull” to come visit you…we love you very much and I hope you know that those words are not JUST words. They come from my heart! Hope to see you soon.
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I often worried that I came off as rude or antisocial when all of the family was around. The feelings are the same, just how they were shown was quite a culture shock for me. I definitely want our children to grow up together. I don’t really have any relationship with any of my cousins and that is something I really want for Jocelyn and the baby.
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And I definitely love you and the rest of the family too!
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I felt that I was writing this. I’ve been feeling the same and have written about it a few times. I’ve missed the hugs, and kisses, and the sex. I’ve missed the warmth in the bed even after he’d gone up and about. I’ve missed the vibe radiating in the house that he’s around.
My husband was the people person, not me. And he was really the only one I talked to. With him gone, I’ve not had anyone I could open up to and so writing my blog has helped a lot.
I recently shared my blog with an extended group of people and the support I got was overwhelming. Still once it’s out in the public I’ve been tempted to not write about certain things. I’ve had to stifle that impulse because the first purpose of this blog is to help ME heal. My blog is an outlet of my emotions, of the things I can’t express elsewhere. I’m not going to censor it. And I hope you would do the same for yours. People who won’t understand it are probably not worth your time anyways.
P.S: It’s a beautiful picture
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I definitely know what you mean about avoiding writing about certain things. This topic has been in my heart for weeks and I just now had the courage to write and post it.
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My heart aches for you. I pray God comforts you in your grief. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through, I hope writing this blog is helping you to process your pain.
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Thank you, I appreciate the prayers. Writing really has helped. Once I have written something it’s like I have released some of the weight of the emotions.
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This is exactly how I feel. You have put it into words beautifully. As an introvert it is so difficult to reach out to others. That is the reason that I too decided to have a go at writing a blog. I realised that not expressing what I was feeling was doing me no good and I was just getting lower and lower and feeling more and more cut off from everyone.
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Yes, I definitely have found blogging helpful. I am able to express things this way that I wouldn’t have the courage to do otherwise.
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Unbelievably well said.
Best to you.
Charley
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Another THANK YOU! …all i can say. {{tears}} {{tears}}
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I have sent you a personal message but just wanted to share I lost my husband Jon in may to a bad car accident. We also have a daughter who is now 9 months. I relate to you on so many levels
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I’m pretty terrible at following up on my emails so I may not have read it yet. I’m sorry to say that we clearly do have a lot in common. It’s not a club either of us would have wished to join, especially with a baby.
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