“A certain shame or bashfulness attached itself to whatever one deeply and privately enjoyed.”
― C.S. Lewis, Surprised by Joy
There is a story I have wanted to tell. Actually, “wanted” isn’t the right word. “Feel compelled” is more accurate. This story is quite personal and intimate so I’ve been hesitant to write it down. Now that my following is considerably larger it’s even more intimidating. I had already planned to write this story this month so I feel like I should go through with it still, extended audience or no. As I write this, only three people know the story of how my son came to be, but I feel that it’s time to open up and share that story publically. 
The day Jon died I knew I was pregnant. I didn’t have to take a test to be certain. I spent the week preparing the funeral trying to ignore the truth I knew in my heart, desperately praying each night that I was wrong. I didn’t want it to be true. But I knew the truth.
Turn back the clock two weeks before Jon walked out the front door for the last time. It had been a busy couple of weeks. Jon had lots of singing gigs scheduled, which was great for our budget but that, on top of having a 1-year-old who didn’t sleep through the night, made for a limited amount of time for us to connect. Being a sleep-deprived mom I was usually in bed before Jon got home from singing. So most nights he would jump on his PlayStation and game with a friend for a few hours before going to bed himself. I was missing him so one day I shot Jon a text saying, “Tell Randy you’ll be later tonight. I want you first,” along with a bunch of wink, kiss, and fire emojis to make sure he knew exactly what I had in mind.
(Don’t worry, I’m not going to get graphic or awkward I promise.)
That night, when he got home he gave me a kiss and then said, “Before anything happens I need to tell you something.”
“Ok?”
“I know this might sound weird,” he continued, “but on the drive home I felt like God said we shouldn’t use anything tonight.”
“You think God wants us to have another baby?” I asked.
“No! No, I don’t think so… I hope not! I think… well… I feel like God wants us to trust him. That tonight would be an act of trust.”
I did trust. I trusted Jon, he wouldn’t make up something like that. He was always a stickler when it came to birth control. And I trusted God. I saw Him opening all sorts of doors for Jon’s music. I was certain a recording opportunity was soon coming for him. I was already staying at home with Jocelyn, if this night resulted in a pregnancy, another baby wouldn’t alter much.
I was confident in our marriage. Confident in Jon’s music career. In the future. In God’s plan for our family.
“Ok,” I said and kissed him, “if that’s what you feel God said, then we’ll trust Him.”
In the final moments that evening, I knew in my heart Jon had given me another child and was completely at peace. I rested my hands on my belly and smiled over at Jon.
“Don’t you look at me like that!” He laughed, “It took 5 months to get Jocelyn, you’re not pregnant after this one time.” He paused and then more seriously said, “I really hope you’re not pregnant.”
I just kept smiling.
The first night after Jon died I lay sleepless in my very empty bed and remembered what had happened two weeks before. An overwhelming dread came over me. “Oh, God! Please no! Please don’t let me be pregnant. I can’t be pregnant!” I prayed every night desperately hoping that I was wrong.
When I confided to my mom that I was late she sent my sister-in-law out for a test. I had to wait to take it in the morning, so I lay awake the entire night pleading with God until I nearly made myself sick. Finally, 5 am rolled around and I couldn’t wait any longer.
I slipped quietly out of bed so as not to wake my one-year-old who was sleeping peacefully next to me and went to the bathroom to take the test. I cried on my bathroom floor for two hours after I saw that second pink line. (I wrote about that moment here.)
At first, I was overwhelmed with despair but as the reality sank in and everything that that new reality meant for me, my despair was replaced by betrayal. I felt betrayed by God. My prayers turned into accusations, “I TRUSTED YOU! I trusted You and You took my husband! I trusted You and You gave me a SECOND child to carry ALONE, to parent ALONE!”
I was beyond angry with God. I had done everything He had asked of me and in return, everything I hoped for had been taken away. I wanted to walk away from God. I no longer cared what He thought and I didn’t want to hear His explanation of why everything had happened.
And He was ok with that.
If I have learned one thing in my experience with God, it’s that He wants us to be authentic with Him. God gave me space to feel what I felt. He didn’t push me but He also never left. I could hear His gentle voice whispering hope into my heart.
There were many dark days and it took 7 months at least before I could be happy about my son’s upcoming birth. I couldn’t see through my pain that the child I thought was a burden was actually a gift. It was the kindness of God that whispered to Jon that night. It was the goodness of God that gave me an anchor for the storm in the form of my son. Without him, I am certain I would have fallen down a dark path.
I was already planning to get completely wasted as soon as all of the out-of-town funeral visitors left. I wanted to drink until I passed out. This was the response from someone who, to this day, has still never been drunk. (Tipsy yes, drunk no.) Before I even had the chance to do that, that option was removed. The presence of my son forced me to be stronger, to learn how to cope with my pain in healthy ways which included writing this blog.
And now, my son is so much more than the thing that kept me grounded in those early months of grief insanity. He has brought me so much joy. He is the happiest baby on the planet, always smiling, quick to laugh, and rarely cries. When he looks up at me I see his father’s eyes. He is God’s gift of light in my darkest hour. When I look at my son I cannot deny the goodness of God.
John 1:4-5, 7-8
In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
He came as a witness to testify concerning that light,
so that through him all might believe.
He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.
Erica Roman Blog 
Erica, thank you for your post. I became a pregnant widow in August 2016 (my husband died in his sleep due to an undetected heart condition as well, when I was 8 months pregnant with our first…only…baby). There are (thankfully) not many widows I’ve come across that have experienced pregnancy and grieving a spouse together. There are very, very few resources to help us navigate through our specific, strange, and complicated grieving process. In some ways, the baby saves your life, your sanity, because you need to stay strong for them. In some ways, it makes the tragedy of loss so much more intense, palpable. All the “should have been” moments I feel for my daughter, all the “he’ll never see her ” whacks of reminder. I am so grateful though, that I will forever have him, in her mischievous glances, boundless energy, and expansive love . I feel for you and your journey with your son–I can’t imagine enduring an entire pregnancy in grief, with a little baby already to care for in your daughter. I see you, mama. You are strong and inspiring and brave. You are mighty! And, you are not alone. :-*
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Thank you for sharing your story. and your kind words. Thankfully, I haven’t come across too many pregnant widows. Grief and pregnancy together make such a hard road to walk. At least I had the whole 9 months to get through the most intense part. I can’t imagine having a newborn in the early, raw stages of grief.
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my daughter was 8 weeks when her daddy went to be with God but her presence kept me sane in that period of grieve a part of me felt relieve that i was bearing that burden of pain alone ,it felt like i was keeping my kids safe from pain becos they were tender ,its feels like God saw the end from the beginning and he gave me those beautiful kids to strengthen me each day.thank you for sharing
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What a beautiful story! Reading this strengthens my faith. Thank you for sharing.
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This was such an amazing read. I lost my husband in May 2016 to a motorcycle accident, and though I wasn’t pregnant, I was a first-time mom of a 3-month-old, and living in a strange state away from all my family and the life I knew. I have wrestled with so much anger and disbelief over having thought I knew what God wanted for me and being faced with this instead. But I have found the amazing truth of His love and faithfulness in the life of my sweet daughter. He’s used her in many ways to keep me tethered to Him. Thank you for being a voice for those of us who aren’t as articulate or comfortable speaking out. May God continue to bless you as you bless others.
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Thank you for sharing your story. It’s hard to see God’s goodness when you’re in the thick of it, but looking back I can see His fingerprints everywhere.
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Beautiful story it is the beginning of your new lifetime!
My husband died 7 months ago and like all of. you – he was and remains my everything!
I pray for all of us that we are surrounded by Angels of love and Care.lastbreathoflove.co
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God bless you for opening up about this. One of my favorite things about my darkest hours is God doesn’t leave, I’ve disappointed him and he didn’t leave…. it’s sad and great all at once. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.
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So beautiful. Your story blessed my heart and mind tonight. I needed to read this. Thank you.
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Erica, you really amaze me… I know you’ve had to grow up quickly. I’m talking about growing up quickly in Jesus and His kingdom. But it’s amazing! Youre able to share from your depth and in so, you’re ministering to many , no doubt. Pain has such a way of bringing out these unbelievable feelings into words that penetrate. Thank you for allowing our awesome God to wash over you and over and again. There is no better place to be than in the place of total surrender which we give up time after time after time…. but what it produces is beautiful. You are beautiful! Thank you!
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Thank you. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years this year, spiritually and otherwise lol
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I have been a widow for 19 years. My son was my strength. Your experience proves that God instead has a plan for all of us, albeit sometimes making us hurt. Your son is beautiful, a gift from God in fact.
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Error, instead should be indeed.
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Yes! I have goose bumps! Thank you for sharing.
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Your post is amazing! I cannot imagine the pain you went through when you lost your husband. I too, believe that God guides us through life.
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Erica, you and I have so much in common. I lost my husband last year, while I was 5 months pregnant with our 2nd child. I too cried and don’t understand why I was pregnant, but I did trust that God had a reason why I was pregnant. And now my baby boy (yes a boy too, with my husband’s eyes), he brings SO much joy to my older son and me. He is what gave me something to look forward to during the first 4 dark months of my grief. And now I can’t imagine all this without, despite it being SO hard to be grieving and post partum and caring for a child and an infant all at the same time. But isn’t it amazing how God’s grace is sufficient? Thank you for sharing.
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It’s amazing what we can endure when there is no other option but to go forward.
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Phewee. girl! You got me again. Thank you for pushing open that door to heaven that connects my angel-husband and I. xo xo Elizabeth
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I love this post. I had tears in my eyes as I was reading. Thank you for being so authentic and true. I had a life-altering experience around a month ago, where I was so angry with God. But I know that His plan is always the best in the end. Thanks again for sharing. Peace and blessings.
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Oh Erica, THANK YOU for this sharing!!!!! THANK YOU for affirming the gentle, loving presence of God IN ALL THINGS, even when we don’t want Him to be there! That He allows us in our honesty! And He LOVES us through our darkness! This has touched me so deeply, as I am also in a bit of darkness, where I trusted God and things still fell apart. Your story helped ….. THANK YOU!!!!!!
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I’m so glad my story helped. It was so personal to me that I was hesitant to share it, but I felt like it was time.
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Thanks for sharing! Glad you found your light to guide you. I lost my wife 3 yrs ago to Cystic Fibrosis and having to explain everything to my 2 year old son really simplified things for me. My son helped my grief process tremendously. So many days I didn’t want to get up and move forward but they give you purpose and fill your life with joy and laughter most of the time, haha. I couldn’t imagine where I would be if he wasn’t there. After your old friends and family dessert you as you try to live your new life it is hard to feel like your family of 1+ is whole but it is. I’ve listened to the universe and there is a plan for us all, we just have to be open to listen to the guidance we need to hear.
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I am a new reader of your blog, having read your response in support of the comedian that you so eloquently supported, and in so doing, supported many others in the same situation. Thank you. Continue to be inspired by God to minister to others because it is what you are doing, ministering. My father died of a heart attack when I was five years old. I do not remember his physical presence in my life. I am now 63. I wondered, in my college years and early in our marriage, what it would have been like having my father in my life. Then I became a mom. God blessed me with a man of God for my hubby, 41 years come August 28, Lord willing. He is a wonderful father to our two children. We are also now brand new grandparents, of only six weeks. I see this hubby/daddy/grandfather and am filled with joy at seeing his love for his children and grandson. I see a portrait of my dad and I thank God that He has gifted me with the blessing and joy of seeing my hubby be the best ever daddy and grandfather in my world. I must admit to you that it was not always easy growing up when, most of the time, I was the only kid at school with a dead parent. I had to learn to spell deceased at a very early age because every year we had to fill out cards about our parents and what we loved about them, when I was in elementary school. However, God provided every step of the way, giving me a mom who was a woman of faith, widowed at 43 with five children, age 5 – 20. She had a third grade education, in Spanish, born in America but not allowed to attend the public schools because she was Hispanic. Mom learned to read with her Bible. While growing up, sometimes, I was embarrassed by her signature that teachers at school could barely read. She was a homemaker, never worked outside the home. Somehow she provided, not all that we wanted as kids, but all that we needed. We lived in a housing project for low income people until I was 12. and later in a tiny house that I called the train house because it was by the railroad tracks. It was actually a boxcar type of house, just long with wall every so many feet to divide the rooms. She never remarried. She never talked to us about why she never did. But God gave her blessing after blessing and she grew us to be productive members of our community. Mom went home to our Lord, 18 years ago. She has 15 grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren. I think we have around 17 undergraduate degrees and six graduate degrees in our family. Our son graduated from law school and our daughter just graduated from undergraduate school, and is studying to take her LSAT and her MCAT, praying about what route God wants her to take. We are all a God fearing family. Well, I do have a brother who sometimes questions the existence of God but then he comes around and gives us proof that he knows there is a God who is caring and loving us every moment of our lives. I lost my first biological sibling to cancer in January 2017, just two days after he and his wife celebrated their 50th anniversary. I had one non-biological brother, my sister’s husband since I was only three years old. They were married 57 years when he went home to be with the Lord. My husband also had to say goodbye to two brothers, my brothers too, one to a drunk driver who jumped the curb as he was standing on his own lawn, and one to alcoholism due to his sorrow at losing their brother, in the span of six months. My sister sometimes feels that she is not being faithful to God because she continues to cry, after three years, wanting her husband back, wanting to go home to Jesus because she feels so lonely without her husband. I see it in my sister-in-law too, her pain, her grief is still very raw. I also see their strength and courage as they face their old age, without their spouses. I am overwhelmed with the blessings and strength God provides for them. I am thankful that at the age of 11 I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. What has touched me and helped me understand my guilt sometimes when I feel I am doubting God is your writings about how God understands when we are angry. I have always known that but was never able to accept that in me, when I was angry, not even when I would just sit there in silence telling God there were no words in me, only pain, asking Him to read my heart, and do something about it. I remember the guilt that I felt when we lost a baby through miscarriage and I was so angry at God for that. We had our son five years into our marriage, took only three months to get pregnant. However, it took nine years to get pregnant again, only to lose our baby three months later. How could God do this to me? I tried my best to be a good daughter just for Him, serving Him gladly, ministering to other, and this happens. Then three years after the pain of our miscarriage He blessed us with our daughter. With our children twelve years apart, we parented young children longer than most, and it was perfect timing, in His time. Our daughter just graduated from college and was chosen to be the student commencement speaker at her graduation. What joy and pride filled our hearts that day as we listened to her beautiful speech. She did not replace the child we lost. God gave her to us to because it was His will to do so and we accepted His precious gift. All this is the legacy of my father and my mother, that God has provided for me, the fatherless child at five years of age. Your children will always look back one day, in their old age and see the legacy that God provided them, through the legacy of their mom and dad, and even their second dad that God might very well choose for them. My courage Bible verses are Psalm 121. I memorized it in English and Spanish when I was just eight years old. Lord be with you, in His Name and Love, a prayer warrior.
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Thank you for sharing. I wasn’t pregnant, but we had an almost 3 year old and a 2 week old when my husband died. I think God has ways of helping us with our loss, sometimes before the loss happens. I had an experience a few days before my husband died where I told him I didn’t know what I would do without him. Instead of a flippant normal response, he gave a serious response, telling me I would survive and thrive, and gave me permission to find someone else to love. Those two weeks before, when we were the 4 of us, the compliments and happiness he shared with me, which he even recognized were out of character for him (and which we wrote off the having a new baby), I now fully believe these were gifts from God to help me navigate the difficult path I was going down. I was also very mad with God, couldn’t stand church. The best things someone told me was that it was ok, God can take it. Thanks again for your voice.
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That’s an amazing story. I’m so glad you are able to treasure those precious moments with him
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I am so glad I found your blog. You are an inspiration to other widows and I so admire your strength. I write a blog here on widows as well, but from decades-older perspective! Your son illustrates the amazing gifts we are sometimes given in this world, in addition to painful losses. My husband died just over a year ago; we married too late in life to consider children.
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Thank you for sharing openly & honestly your struggles. We can’t wait to meet your little ones and give you a big hug once your near us again. You are a blessing to so many who don’t know how to express their pain and hurt feelings but need a way to share. You give a voice to the ones in darkness and in a way it’s like being a lighthouse to boats in rough waters guiding them to a safe harbor. Erica you are loved and we pray for you every day! Can’t wait to see you again!
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Looking forward to seeing you all too! Just a few more weeks!
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Thank you for sharing. I think God has ways of helping us with our loss, sometimes before the loss happens. I lost my husband 7 years ago and it still feels like yesterday. I still experience the day like it was yesterday. I find it hard some days to continue but I do because of my children, they are my life line, and they are total blessings even though they are older and have their own lives.
Thank you again for your voice, this has truly been a blessing to read and to know that other people are going through similar situations. I still have not been able to date, just don’t want to be hurt or used.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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I don’t really have any advice or suggestions as far as dating. But someone once told me that God can’t steer a ship that’s not moving.. so maybe just start moving forward slowly in that area and see where it goes.
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God loves you! 🙂
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