I took this picture from the pier at the inlet last week. This is what happens when the incoming and outgoing tides collide. It’s such a perfect metaphor for where my heart has been lately.
I’m moving forward. My house is filling up with boxes as I prepare to start a new life in Nashville and my heart is filling up with the possibilities of someone new. So many exciting things have been happening for me in the past few months and I’m finally in a place where I can look forward to what my future holds.
At the same time, a heavy sadness has settled into my soul. All of these exciting things have happened and Jon hasn’t been here to experience them with me. Moving forward feels like saying goodbye to him again. I’m leaving the life we were living together and starting a new life without him. A life he will never know.
My heart has been turbulent as the tides of my emotions have collided. I’m not moving on from Jon. He will always be with me. Grieving for Jon will be a part of my life from now on, but I am coming to the end of my time of mourning. I am moving forward without him and that is so very hard.
It’s been nearly 16 months. I’ve moved forward in small ways, but now my entire life is about to change. As weeks turn into days before my big move I’m struggling with conflicting thoughts and emotions.
I know this is the right thing to do. I’m confident that this is where God is directing me. I’m excited to start fresh.
But I’m overwhelmed at all of the things that need to be done to make this happen. I’m afraid of living in a place without a strong established support network. What if no one helps me with the kids? What if no one is willing to help me move in? I feel guilty for taking my kids away from their grandparents and family and everyone they know and love, from the only home they’ve ever known.
While I am certain that this is exactly what Jon would have wanted me to do, I still feel sad when I imagine this new life without him. He’s supposed to be here to see all of this. When the Uhaul is packed and I strike out north it feels like I will be leaving him behind and I begin to miss him all over again.
In general, I’m not one that believes in signs from those who have passed on. (Though, I absolutely don’t judge or discredit those who do.) I hear God speak to me and I have had dreams of Jon that I have felt were gifts to me from God. But when I receive any sort of sign I believe that they’ve come from God, not Jon. There is, however, one exception. God speaks to me in songs on the radio all of the time. It’s not common for me to hear Him whisper, “I’m singing this song to you.” But one day that whisper came from Jon’s voice, Jon’s presence instead. I heard him singing every word of this song to me and I’m crying now just thinking about it.
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin’
Lovin’ might be a mistake, but it’s worth makin’ …And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
Jon was the dancer. If there was a beat, he was moving and he could find a rhythm in anything. He used to stop me in the middle of doing the dishes and make me slow dance with him. Me on the other hand, when given the choice I would choose sit it out every time if he let me.
I’m taking so many chances in my life all at once. The living I’m choosing is a huge risk. Loving again could be a terrible mistake. But I feel like even though there is going to be pain in this process, Jon has invited me to leave the time of mourning behind and start to dance once more.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Erica, I lost my husband of 35 years two and a half years ago. You are an inspiration to me. I like how you said you will always grieve Jon but the mourning time is past. My late husband, Ken, was a dancer and I was the sitter. One of my greatest regrets is that I didn’t dance enough with him. His death taught me to be a dancer, no matter how awkward it might feel. Thank you for your words of wisdom!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have definitely started to push myself out of my comfort zone these days. Life is way too short not to dance.
LikeLike
Erica, you are awesome! I wish you so much good fortune and wonder in your new life. It’s so brave to go forward in a different place, making your way on your own yet you bring not only your husband’s spirit but his child with you. Many hugs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
This was so powerful. Your words really spoke to me today. Good luck and Godspeed.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you
LikeLike
This couldn’t have been more timely. I lost my soulmate and husband 9 months ago. Tomorrow would have been our 9th wedding anniversary. And after losing my job due to an acquisition, I am about to sell the house we bought here in the Pacific Northwest and move back to Mike’s and my house in Denver. For me, that is where there is more support through many friends and extended family. I also have conflicting feelings of leaving this behind, but know it is the right thing. Thanks for sharing your story, Erica. Wishing you much joy and healing in your new life.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good luck in your new adventure. I definitely understand how hard it is to leave a life behind.
LikeLike
You are SO brave! And you have Jon and God tag-teaming you with love and support. ❤️ Much luck, love and success on your new adventure!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
Thank you for your words of wisdom. Luckily I still have my husband of 40 years but we are older and lately I’ve been thinking about one off us passing and how I would handle it out he goes first. Your blog made me cry today even though I’m not a widow yet. He annoys me like no other but I also love him like no other. Your words absolutely give me comfort that either way we can be ok and keep living. Thank you Erica for your wisdom, compassion and love. I think you will be great and I hope yippy find new love in your new home. Love and best wishes on your travels.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There really isn’t anything that you can do to prepare yourself for it. I do wish Jon and I would have had more discussions on this possibility. I’ve had to do my best to guess what he would have wanted. But even so, life is always a choice. I had to choose to keep living and that’s how I’ve made it this far.
LikeLike
I’m touched by your words. That’s because I’m living in a world like yours. In this order, I lost my beloved dog, my job of 25 years the same week, my house in my hometown Ellicott City, my health for a year, my retirement home in Arizona, and my husband. I moved three times in two years and two of the moves were cross country. I don’t have any of my furniture or household belongings from either house. I feel like someone took me up in the air and plopped me down.
Thanks for sharing. Somehow it helps to know I’m not the only one in the world who is grieving and completely lost.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much transition. It does often feel like free falling. I’ve just now started to feel like I have some solid ground beneath me.
LikeLike
Thank you for your words.August 6 is the 1st anniversary of my husbands death.I am 63 and alone and having a bad week.Good luck with your move.I live about 100 miles from Nashville,maybe I will come babysit sometime…
LikeLike
I’m so sorry you’re having a bad week. The week of my 1 year was rough too.
LikeLike
I applaud your bravery and courage to change, something that is not easy to do under the best circumstances. I hope you will allow yourself the space to process your feelings as you move into a new season. Wishing you all the best!
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s why I write. I think I would go insane if I didn’t write to process my journey.
LikeLike
I am so grateful God led me to your blog. I lost my husband of 37 years 9 months and 14 days on April 21, 2016. This was the same day Patton Oswalt lost his wife. He was fine when we went to bed the night before. I awakened to the sound of what I thought was snoring. It wasn’t. He was dying. I am a hospice RN. I know dying all too well. I tried so hard to keep him here. In between pounding on his chest, I was screaming and pleading with him not to leave me. EMS worked on him for 45 mins before transporting him to the ER where he was pronounced dead, one hour and 6 minutes after I found him. My life ended that morning as well. I had never lived alone. My husband and I were childhood sweethearts. He was my best friend, my everything. I have been taking tiny baby steps toward a new life. I don’t plan on making any changes as drastic as the brave ones you are making, but, I know that I need to do something, anything to get out of this stagnation of grief and mourning. Your post today spoke to me in ways I cannot even describe. I feel this will be another life changing day for me. Thank you. I believe God has to have a reason for the pain we suffer. You have helped me. I am praying for you and those precious babies of yours as you move forward. You are so brave. Best of luck and love in your new adventure!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry you went through that. I was a lifeguard and instructor for 6 years. I hated that I didn’t get the chance to even try to save Jon, but from what the doctors said there wouldn’t have been anything I could have done.
I’m glad that my post was encouraging to you. I know how it feels to be trapped. For me, in the end, I had to start choosing to live. It was a hard choice, but it’s brought me to a place where I can breathe again.
LikeLike
Erica, I’ve always loved that song. I’ve sent that to a number of my nieces and nephews over the years encouraging them to reach beyond the limits of their grasp and not to succumb to fear. It’s particularly appropriate for where many of us are in life. Do we throw caution to the wind, let our hearts go, and have faith that our choices will be right for us and our families?
I’m in a different place than you are. I lost my wife over two years ago. I turned 65 last Thursday, so decisions I make don’t weigh so heavily on my family. My sons are living their lives, taking care of their families, and not so much concerned about decisions I make. However, I have much less time to recover from the wrong choice of a new dance partner. I can either be paralyzed with that thought, or be confident I’ll find someone compatible who will make me happy and who I can show the love I still have to give. I’m beginning to work through that now.
You, on the other hand, have small children, and I’m sure right now they’re what are most important in your life. Decisions you make on where to live and who to love will affect them too. You seem like you possess the spirit, strength of character, and fortitude to make the right decisions and to put you in a good place.
Good luck to you. Thanks for becoming a voice for all of us who face these struggles with no training wheels.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, my kids are the filter through which I make all of my decisions at this point. While I know it’s going to be a hard transition for us all. I think I will be able to be a better mom to them after this move.
LikeLike
And you aren’t kidding about the training wheels, we were thrown right into the thick of it
LikeLike
Beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. Moving forward without him must be incredibly difficult. Thank you for sharing your journey. I am sure there are others out there who can relate and will benefit from your words. Wish you all the best – speak766
LikeLike
I lost my husband of almost 15 years unexpectedly 5 months ago. I’ve recently made the decision to move myself and my three young children an hour away to be close to my family. Even though it’s only an hour, I feel sometimes that I’m abandoning my life I had with my husband. Leaving OUR home together. Leaving the community in which we thought we’d grow old together. Leaving the friends we shared together. Leaving the hospital where we worked together. But I keep telling myself he would want me to leave. He’d want me to be near my family that could help me and support the kids and I. It helps to read that other people struggle with these same feelings, and I’m hopeful that I can have a positive outlook moving forward. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
LikeLike
Strong, brave, heart. I connected with your words, in similar ways I know that sadness.
LikeLike
i am so blessed to have come across your blog… I lost my brother tragically May 1999 and once again just recently lost my husband suddenly this past May 2017… I have 3 young children and 2 dogs (one of which my husband brought home a puppy 2 months before – this makes the mourning process sometimes impossible as this dog is driving me too nuts to think about anything else lol). I know this is still so fresh for me… but having had to reopen that resilience file in my mind -dust it off a bit and begin once again – I am so grateful to have the internet as my go-to when i need to find some updated “definitions” (im not much of a writer – what i mean is now this time i have my children – its not the same path as i have once taken from my experience with my brother) to my cliff notes from the past. I’ve been following you… inspired by you – and feel so comforted when you write and share your journey. Wishing you the best of everything to you and your new adventure in Nashville!!! I hope we hear from you soon as i will be sending you good vides from afar. thank you thank you thank you – KEEP WRITING!!!
LikeLike
Beautifully said ❤
LikeLike
I wish you the best for your new life in Nashville. He’ll be with you and your children no matter where you choose to lay your head.
LikeLike
My heart goes out to you (from the Pac NW), change is hard–it takes strength and courage, which God will provide abundantly as we lean into Him. May you feel His blessings, and His hand in yours ❤ PS: I love that song!
LikeLike
Hi.
I unexpectedly lost my love almost 6 months ago. We had breakfast plans in the morning…it was two days before Valentine’s Day. He never woke up…
I too will be leaving our life that we had to move in to take care of my parents. About two hours from Nashville. Most of the time…I don’t know what to do with myself, but the night brings my tears.
I wish you the best in your new endeavor. Thank you for your words.
LikeLike
I want to say again how much I appreciate you being there for others who have lost those they care about. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find tons of love, kindness and acceptance wherever your life takes you.
LikeLike
After reading your blog, I felt myself reflecting on my own loss nearly 12 years ago. Although we had been divorced, we still loved each other very deeply. However, not even 2 years after my divorce he had been killed on his job site. I was devastated beyond words. My world changed dramatically, and change was all that I was faced with. My journey was a horrendous one afterward, and I finally have found a place where my heart doesn’t hurt anymore. Of course, I still think of him to this day. My journey continues daily, and I gratefully accept change in every moment. Take hold of your new challenge, and embrace it. I am so happy I read your blog. God Bless you. Beckie
LikeLike
You are truly inspiring! I hope and pray that you and your children find hope and refuge in the midst of change! Keep writing! I will be praying for you!
LikeLike
I stumbled across your blog – like I do with so many. After reading this post, I had to read previous post to figure out the story – your story – and I am so touched by it.
Life indeed is like a boat – it will travel on all types of waters. This is what you have described.
LikeLike
I am so inspired by your strength. I am writing to you from California, but you can bet that if I lived in Nashville, I would be at your front door helping you move in, with that nights dinner to heat up. It won’t be long before you have a network of friends; that is what children bring to us in their school years, especially. I wish you all the best and that your new “family” in Nashville is all that you are hoping for.
LikeLike
I lost my husband suddenly when I was 27 as well. We had been together since I a
was 19, although we had only been married for a little less than 4 years. He’s been gone almost 4.5 years now and I’ve since remarried and am now planning to start a family with my new husband, but his memory and holding a place in my heart for my grief is still very much a part of my life.
I think it’s so telling that all of us young wids usethe phrase “move forward” rather than “move on.” We know we’ll never get over losing them. I know I’ll never stop wishing for the life we should have had together. But time only moves in one direction, and at 27 I knew I could have decades of life ahead of me and I needed to do the best I could with what I had left.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I remember when I was a fresh wid the only thing that helped me feel less alone was hearing stories from and talking to other people who had walked in my shoes. What you are doing is so important.
LikeLiked by 1 person
To most “move on” vs “move forward” is just semantics but there really is a difference. Thank you for sharing your story. You’re right, hearing stories from others who have been there is one of the most encouraging thing for widows.
LikeLike