nightmares – Erica Roman Blog

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Erica Roman Blog

I write so that my healing may bring healing to others.

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Tag: nightmares

2 Posts

Grief is a Strange and Terrible Beast

August 11, 2016 — 1 Comment

Dreams

May 9, 2016 — 2 Comments

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I’m so tired of dramatic parental deaths in films made for children. I rolled the dice on a movie I hadn’t seen before. I remembered the previews looking pretty slap stick and silly. Big mistake. . Within the first few minutes both parents die. One a pretty violent death. I was hoping once that part was over the fun parts would happen but they kept bringing it up over and over. . Jocelyn was pretty shaken up by the movie and continued to bring up the dad’s death over and over. It was so hard not to direct my frustration towards the producers of children‘s entertainment at her. . At bedtime she brought up her daddy in heaven and I had to explain again that some people die for no reason and no, they don’t have phones and computers in heaven so you can talk to daddy. I miss him too. . We watched a few videos of her and Jon playing together and then she curled up to to go sleep. I had hoped that would be the end of the ordeal but she ended up waking 4-5 times in the night crying for me. She never wakes up unless she’s sick. . All day today she’s been extra clingy and tonight she cried as I put her to bed begging me to sleep with her. . I’m so angry at kids movies right now. Why is it ok to put one of the most traumatic experience a kid can go through in almost every single movie??? Why is that ok? Why is that normal? . My daughter should have had a 30-40 year relationship with her dad but all she got was 14 months. My son didn’t even get a day. They are already going to have so many grief triggers as they grow up, I hate that they can’t even watch a movie about bunnies without having to relive their trauma. . @disney , @dreamworks, @universalentertainment please, I’m begging you, stop putting dead parents in your movies! It’s totally possible to write a story of enchantment and adventure without killing off the parents. . I know more than most that death is part of life. But isn’t part of the purpose of entertainment about escaping the hardship of life? . I decided to start a running list of kids movies where the parents stay alive. If you know of some tell me in the comments. Some of my favorite living parents are in Rio 1&2, Aristocats, Finding Dory, & Inside Out

I knew something must have happened because of the topic of women in ministry trending on my feed. I finally dug up the interview in question it made my blood boil. . Full disclosure, I don’t know much about Beth Moore or John MacArthur. I am generally aware of both of them but I haven’t listened to either of them teach and I’ve not read any of their books. So I can’t say if I do or do not agree with either of their theological stances. . But when I heard MacArthur speaking in that interview, to me he reeked of arrogance, pride and self righteousness: The perfect example of a modern day pharisee. He might know scriptures but that doesn’t mean he knows God. . In comparison, Beth Moore’s response to him telling her to “go home” and comparing her to a jewelry salesman, was full of strength and grace. . Not only have I been greatly impacted by teaching and insight from women, but since I was very young I have felt a call towards ministry in my life. . There are so many examples of women with leadership and authority in the scripture. Didn’t Debrah lead Israel? Aren’t we living under a greater convent now than when she led her army to victory? Didn’t Paul name several woman throughout his letters as church leaders? . Didn’t the widow* at the well go and preach the gospel to her whole town? Didn’t the whole town not only listen to her teaching but respect her authority and come to Jesus because of it? . I grew up in a church culture that believed woman were not allowed to have any authority. I remember as a kid wishing that I had been born a boy so I could be a leader. I was not born with a babies and bake sale personality. . It wasn’t until my 20s that I first encountered a theology that empowered women. My Baptist / Presbyterian background was highly skeptical but learning about the historical, cultural and biblical context of “those verses” was wildly liberating. I no longer had to doubt what I felt called to. . You want to know why I think the church is struggling so much? I think it’s because we are going to battle with only half of our army armed. How effective can a soldier be if their mouth is taped and hands are tied? . (Continued in comments.)

I remember feeling so ashamed when I filled out an application for food stamps. It took me a couple months after my husband died to bring myself to do it. But a pregnant widow with a one year old daughter isn’t exactly employable and I needed all the help I could get. . At the time I applied I wasn’t sure how much the social security death benefits I would receive would be so the lady I spoke with told me to call them as soon as I found out. Until then, I’d get $194/ month. . I ended up getting a little over $1,000 per month from social security. Not a hand out, mind you. It’s what Jon would have received had he lived to retirement. It was money he earned, that he paid into the gov that I was getting. . Once I did the right thing and sent in the documents proving what my social security income would be I got this letter in the mail. My monthly food assistance was dropping to a whopping $16. Per month. That’s barely a meal for a pregnant mom and her toddler. . Jon didn’t have life insurance. He was only 32 after all.. Had I not been able to live with my family, Jon’s death would have caused me to have been immediately homeless and hungry. Even the $194 wouldn’t have been enough to feed us adequately. . I’m not making a political stance here. I just want to make public the reality of how much is really given to people in need. I hear the “steaks and lobster” argument all of the time and it’s 100% BS. . Three years ago I got this letter in the mail and wept. A pregnant widow with a one year old daughter and an income of $1000 a month qualified for $16/month in food assistance. Keep that in mind as you form your opinions about our system. . #widow #youngwidow #pregnantwidow #socialsecurity #foodstamps #foodassistance

I remember what it was like to be lost, swirling in a vortex of pain and confusion. When every day was a struggle just to stay above water. Every night going to sleep with the weary wish that I would not wake up. . I remember staring into the darkness and wondering if there would ever be light again for me. Was there a point to my struggle? Should I just give up? . I wish I could go back to that broken Erica and hold her. I wish I could swear to her that on the other side of the darkness there is light. There is happiness. There is love. . I wish I could tell her that life would someday be more than struggling survival. That life would one day be an amazing adventure. One day that broken Erica would rise up and then turn around to reach out to the broken. . She would build a wonderful new life with a man who loves her. She would soon shake hands with a president and hug three different celebrities. That she would get to build her own home with her own hands and her children would be happy and thriving. . I can’t tell her those things, but I can tell you. There. Is. Light. I promise. There is an end to the darkness and the thick fog that chokes your lungs. . There is happiness. There is love. There is joy. There is peace. But in order to find them you MUST hold on to hope. It’s a tiny flickering thing but you cannot let it go. . Scream at the darkness if you must, weep on the ground if you need to, but don’t stop moving forward. Walk, crawl.. claw your way forward if that’s all you can do but whatever you do, don’t give up. Don’t you dare give up. . Don’t resign yourself to building a home in the darkness. You may have been thrown into it or you might even have been born in to it.. but you were not created for it. You were created for light. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:5) . #ericaroman #grief #hope #dontgiveup #depression #love #widow #youngwidow #remarriedwidow . Photo credits : @angelademsickphotography @charislauren

Final Habitat post, I promise! But I would be amiss if I failed to take the time to thank the amazing volunteers who came out to work on my home and the sponsors who helped make the build possible. . The Carter Work Project is a bit different than most Habitat builds in that the homeowners don’t have to recruit their own volunteers. Volunteers at the CWP come from all over and pay up to $2,000 for the privilege of a week of hard labor.. and they do it with a smile. . Many of the volunteers on our house use their vacation time each year to build houses with Habitat. There were about 700 volunteers building on the 21 homes each day.. and I was told that there was a waiting list of volunteers who wanted to come. . It was so humbling to know that some of our volunteers flew in from out of state to work, some for just one day on our house. . I was equally undone by the generosity of our sponsors. The businesses and organizations that sponsored this build donated between 25k and a million dollars towards the 21 houses that were build last week. . Each sponsor was assigned a specific home to build on. Our two sponsors were @loweshomeimprovement and @hunterdouglas. . Both of those companies not only sent their regular employees to volunteer on our home, but the executives and other higher ups came to build too. In fact, the owner/CEO of Hunter Douglass came himself to build. . This week the volunteers and sponsors who worked on my home showed me what our news stations do not: our Humanity is alive and well. . #habitatforhumanity #habitatnashville #habitatcwp #habitatcwp2019 #lowes #hunterdouglas #volunteer #build

For those of you who have asked.. yes we were able to meet briefly with the Carters and Garth & Trisha. We took a photo with them during lunch one afternoon and after our speech Friday night we got hugs and handshakes from everyone. ❤️

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