nightmares – Erica Roman Blog

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Erica Roman Blog

I write so that my healing may bring healing to others.

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Tag: nightmares

2 Posts

Grief is a Strange and Terrible Beast

August 11, 2016 — 1 Comment

Dreams

May 9, 2016 — 2 Comments

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Thank you everyone for your birthday wishes! It’s a bummer and a little ironic that my birthday is 9/11, but all of of your comments and posts made my day. ❤️ . Last night Neil took me to House of Cards for dinner. I’m not exaggerating when I say that we had the best meal of our entire lives! Seriously. That’s now my hypothetical last meal request. . My brother in law, @benroman had a connection there so we were given the VIP treatment. Everyone was so kind and made my night extra special. . We weren’t allowed to take photos inside, which is a bummer because there were so many cool things to photograph! But they were kind enough to take a photo of us to take home! . I kinda love that my birthday and anniversary dates are so close together. Now there is so much to celebrate in September! . #ericaroman #birthday #datenight

Repeat after me, “Fear, you don’t get to decide what I do. I decide what I do.” . I had my 11 year old step son repeat that line several times before I could convince him to climb into the pool to practice for his swim test. What he doesn’t know is that I often have to repeat that to myself. . Neil and I had been excitedly planning our Chattanooga get away for awhile. Since we only had a couple days for our honeymoon we made sure to put some money aside for our first anniversary. We both needed the break and we felt it was an investment into our marriage. . But during the weeks leading up to our trip my anxiety began to rise. My brain began to create all of these outlandish scenarios where Neil or myself or both of us died on the trip. . On the drive I worried about a car accident. The vats at the distillery felt ominous. What if we ran out of oxygen in the caves? What if the ground on the overlook fell beneath us? . Now, I didn’t let most of those thoughts land. But it was like having a fly keep buzzing past. I’d wave it off and only to have it come back again. But as annoying as it was to keep battling those thoughts, I was not going to give them any power. . On our final morning before heading back home we decided to take a small hike and found this beautiful rocky overlook. . Fear said to stay back but I decided to climb out on the rock. I felt ok while I had a death grip on the tree branch overhead. But I wanted to prove to myself that I, not fear, got to decide what I did. . I crept out and sat a foot or two from the edge. All of the alarm bells were going off in my head. I felt dizzy and had the sensation that the rock I was sitting on, that had been there for hundreds of years, was falling. . I breathed through the panic and after I had proved to myself that I was the master of me, I scooted back and returned to the comfort of holding on to the tree. . Fear isn’t my master; I refuse to live my life a slave to it. A life lived under fear’s rule would be a sad existence. I intend on living a wild adventure so I’m going to keep looking at fear with a defiant, ‘just watch me’ smile and stepping forth with boldness. . #ericaroman #fear #anxiety #mentalhealth

I know I usually use a lot of words to express myself but today I just want to say, “Happy first anniversary, Neil. I’m so grateful that I get to spend my life with you.” ❤️ . . #firstanniversary #marriage #love #ericaroman #remarriedwidow

I’m starting to develop a love for waterfalls . . . #ericaroman #waterfall #loversleap #rockcity

I’m the kind that makes jokes about hurricanes. I definitely enjoyed the high quality memes Dorian has produced so far. But as much as I make light of hurricanes.. as every good Floridian does.. I’ve also seen the damage they can produce first hand. . I know my family will be safe. They’re all hunkering down together at my dad’s house with all the junk food they need and a fridge full of beer. My dad’s house is a newer build and is sure to stand through the storm. He’ll probably take before and after photos of the American flag flying out front. The flag has alway won. . But I know that there are many living in older homes or in flood zones or trailer parks where this storm will be more than a few days off work spent crammed in with family playing poker and eating junk food by candle light. . So right now I’m praying for peace and wisdom to fill the hearts of those in Dorian’s path. I pray that the storm would weaken and that homes would hold fast with supernatural strength. I pray that the next few days would be full of relief and a return to normal. . And I also pray for the lives of those that the hurricane has already caused catastrophic damage. I pray that relief and support both physical and emotional comes swiftly and in abundance.

I’m so high functioning when I’m depressed that often I don’t realize it until I’m deep in it. It took a couple weeks before I recognized that my sadness last month had begun the familiar decent into depression. . I had to withdraw from the internship I was about to start. That’s when I finally recognized that I was depressed. Not only was I disappointed that I wouldn’t be mentored by an amazing woman, but I wasn’t going to be plugged in to a ready made community like I had hoped to be. . I feel rather disconnected and isolated. The people I have deep roots with are all in Florida. My 1st year in Nashville it was nearly impossible to make friends. Married people didn’t think to invite me to their gatherings but I didn’t have much in common with the single people without kids. I couldn’t just up and hang out with people. Not with a baby and a toddler I had to care for alone. I didn’t even get the every other weekend off that most single moms have. . But it’s been a year since I was a single mom and I’m still struggling to “find my tribe.” It feels like all the tribes around me aren’t accepting new members. If I was being passive about trying to make friends then I could own that. But I’ve forced my introvert butt to put myself out there often to little avail. That was the root of last month’s depression, I felt like no one wanted me to be more than a friendly acquaintance. Someone to say hi to at church and interact on social media but nothing more. . I began to feel like I was too introverted, too serious, too intense, too opinionated, too snarky.. not funny enough, not trendy enough, not keto enough... to be an acceptable member of the various tribes I’ve tried to join. And that made me sad and homesick. . But I’m not one to stay in a pity party for long. Eventually I had to decide that if I am going to have community, I am going to have to start my own tribe. I don’t know what that looks like. Making meaningful friendships as an adult is difficult and complicated. But my life has been both difficult and complicated for awhile now and it’s not stopped me yet. One way or another, I’ll figure it out. . #ericaroman #buildyourtribe #takingapplications

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