One week has passed since my husband died. He was 32. It doesn’t feel like it has been 7 whole days since he walked out my front door. I was so bleary-eyed and groggy that morning that I don’t remember what we said to each other. Did I give him a hug or kiss before he left? He was only supposed to be gone an hour or two. 32-year-olds aren’t supposed to have heart attacks.
This past week has been a blur of hugs and “if you need anythings…” The community outpouring of love and support has been overwhelming and humbling. I have done my best to be available to people as best I can. I know that speaking to me helps them in their own grief.
As for my grief, after being wrecked with waves of despair the first few days, I have now settled into a functioning state of quiet sadness. At the moment my grief is manifesting more like a sickness. Anything I eat sits in my stomach like stones, if I eat too much I am nauseated, if I don’t eat enough I feel faint. My limbs feel heavy. Last night was the first night I was able to sleep more than 3-4 hours.
I know eventually the despair is going to hit me again so I am trying to get as much done while I am still relatively numb. There are 12 items on my to-do list. 5 of them I finished today. I have a feeling that when I no longer have tasks to occupy my mind, the reality of my situation will finally set in: I am a widow at 27.
😢 I’m sorry. I know what you must be going through. I was in the same place last year in August when my husband died. He was 32 too… I wish I could say everything will be okay. But that won’t be true. All I can say is, you’ll make it through and you’ll find things about yourself that you never knew. Take care. Sending you lots of hugs xoxo
Thank you, it’s been reasurring to find others who have gone through the same experience before me
I just found this blog, after seeing a story about Patton Oswald. I lost my husband a month ago, completely upended. I don’t have time to read the articles until later. But, finding out about your site feels like ‘manna from heaven’. It’s been a lonely time.
Oops, that is Janet not Hanet 🙂
Omg, & Oswalt not Oswald…. autocorrect
A friend linked your recent blog post as something I would probably identify with. It surely did. I am recently remarried after losing my late wife in May of 2015. I have this uncomfortable feeling that I am being judged for it. Being judged for wanting to be happy again. Being judged for injecting a new woman into the life of my daughter. It is a frustrating feeling. I should have nothing but joy and happiness right now. Instead, I am shadowed by this unstated judgement that seems to come from all sides.
Your post was wonderful. Thank you for sharing.