I haven’t talked to God yet. I’m mad at Him and not ready to hear what He has to say. I know He wants to talk, I can feel His presence near and He sneaks in whispers of encouragement. I just don’t have the strength to speak back yet and He is ok with that.
Some may wonder how I can still believe in God after such a tragedy. If my faith was based on a mental agreement to a religion that describes what God is like and what is right and wrong then I most certainly would have abandoned the very concept of a loving God. But I don’t have a religion, I have experienced for myself the powerful, intimate, overwhelming love of God. I know the feel of His presence. I know the sound of His voice. I know without the slightest doubt that He loves me because I have experienced it time and time again.
There have been two seasons of my life in the past where I felt overwhelmed by emotional pain and darkness. Once in my late teens, I contemplated suicide, and the other, in the early part of my marriage I contemplated divorce. Both seasons felt like there would be no end to the darkness I was in. I was mad at God then too. There was a moment in one of those seasons when I could not even stand to be in worship on Sunday mornings. After 15 minutes or so I would leave and wander the halls until it was over (worship at this church lasted at least an hour). Finally one Sunday I prayed, “God, I don’t want to hear from you now, but I still need you.” He didn’t speak a word, but I felt Him come and wrap me in his presence. It felt just like when I was a kid and needed a hug from my dad. The way a father’s arms surround you and all you feel is warmth and you can hear the sound of his heart beating. It was exactly like that. So every Sunday for weeks He hugged me during worship. He loved me the way I needed to be loved to make it through to other side.
I made it through both of those seasons solely because of God’s personal love for me. I can look back on those dark seasons and say, God was with me the whole time and God is good. So even though right now I feel robbed, cheated, and lied to by Him, I know those feelings will fade as I allow myself to be loved by Him once more. Eventually, I will be able to look back at this dark dark season I am in and say with confidence that God was with me the whole time and God is good.
God is Good, Yes*… and You are amazing. Your writings are of such raw honesty, and insight, and vulnerability, and strength, and soul. I´ve started to read them chronologically, and for you to have the beauty and clarity of heart to Know, and affirm with such unshaken certainty that you believe in that Good, weeks after having experienced such loss and pain… you my friend are my soul Heroine* just for that.
Thank you immensely, infinitely, because your certainty deepens mine at a needed time, and I know it will ignite it in others.
And I also know, with the same certainty…that that resplendent soul of yours, will ride this gigantic incomprehensible wave, and just as you can foresee now… God and Life, will make sure you feel that Good, like sunshine.
I´m rooting for you with all my Heart! ❤
This is still one of my favorite of your writings because it beautifully captures the tension of anger and love for God in the middle of loss. Keep writing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Charlie ❤
Oh and just so you know I used this blog as a resource to talk to a group of college kids about God, tragedy, and Vegas. Thank you for giving words to our understanding of God and trauma.
Thats awesome, I’m so glad that my words have been able to help others. It gives some purpose to the process.