I Need Him

Some days are hard. Every once in a while all my grief crashes down on me at once. Today is one of those days. I have my first doctor’s appointment. Up until now, I have been able to keep this pregnancy in the abstract part of my thinking. Today I am forced to face the reality that I am going to have to go through this pregnancy without Jon. He would have been at the appointment with me today. He was at nearly every one of my doctor’s appointments and pregnancy classes when I was pregnant with Jocelyn. It was going through my first pregnancy and seeing Jon step into fatherhood that made me fall in love with him even more. It is so painful for me to imagine going through this without him holding my hand.

I arrived at the hospital when I was in labor with Jocelyn right before I needed to start pushing. He had to leave work to get to the hospital and I remember panicking in my mind that he might not get there in time. I needed him. Where was he? I ended up going through the first push right before he arrived. He could hear me and he came down the hall. The second I saw him step into the room I reached out to him and he took my hand. A wave of relief washed over me and I drew the strength I needed from his presence. Fifteen minutes later Jocelyn was born but Jon did not let go of my hand until after they had finished fixing me up and all the other unpleasantries that follow giving birth.  The whole time we were at the hospital he catered to my every possible need. Once I mentioned that my feet were cold and he immediately went to my bag and grabbed a pair of socks and put them on me even though I said I could do it myself.

He never stopped being there all through his first and last year of parenthood. I can’t even begin to list all of the things he did for me and Jocelyn. I just wish I would have appreciated him more in those moments. So often I took things for granted. I wish I would have been better at telling him how much he meant to me. I just saw this post on my time hop app last week. It made me cry because it reminded me how much he did for me without me having to ask. He was such a good father and it made him an even better husband.

Before I saw that first positive pregnancy test and Jocelyn entered our lives I never knew how much I needed Jon. I have always been a very independent person and while I wanted to be with Jon I didn’t feel that I needed to be with him. During the last year and a half of pregnancy and parenthood, I discovered how much I truly needed him. I depended on him so much. Now that he is gone it feels like I’m drowning. I need him now more than I ever have and he’s not there. All I want to do is lay down and cry but there’s so much to be done and he’s not there to help me through it. His loss has left a gaping hole in my life. I know somehow I will manage to make it through, but days like today are hard to endure.