I am struggling to put into words what I am feeling. Alone, is close. Bereft is closer. I’m not distraught, more of a state of quiet sadness.
I don’t believe that single people are walking around life, half of a person looking for another half to complete them. But something strange and wonderful happens in marriage “two become one flesh”. Jon and I, two whole people, became one flesh. (and that line isn’t just referring to sex, although I am feeling the loss of that part of my life too.) Through the fire of marriage our souls connected and intertwined. Then suddenly he was ripped from me, torn from my soul and pieces of me were taken with him, leaving a gaping hole within my being.
I really do feel like half of me is missing. There’s a loneliness that no amount of friendship can fill. It doesn’t consume me now as much as it did in the beginning, it just follows me at a distance like a stray dog. I know I am getting stronger, I’m feeling more myself every day. I can laugh and I’m looking towards the future with hope and a flicker of confidence. But even the process of becoming whole again makes me sad. Because as the gaping wound heals, I need him less. The more time goes by the less he is a part of me and so, little by little I am losing him again.
Some people can comfort themselves with the belief that their lost loved one is still with them in spirit. I won’t try and take that belief from anyone, but personally, I don’t believe that the spirits of the dead remain here on earth. He is not with me, he’s singing in the presence of our Father God and it would be selfish of me to want otherwise. All I have left of him is our children and my memories of him, which are fading too.
Tonight I am feeling his absence. I’m feeling alone. Even though the past week I have felt the strongest that I have been since his passing, right now, in this moment I am weak. But that’s ok. I’ve given myself permission to feel. I know that tears bring healing and there is strength in allowing yourself to be weak.
Song of Songs 3:1
All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him