Dear Jon,
I’ve done a considerable amount of writing since you’ve been gone, but I think this is the first time I’m writing directly to you. Perhaps it was too painful before, but I think it’s more likely because I don’t know the right words to stitch together to express all of the things I want to say to you.
You asked me once what I would do if you were to pass way suddenly. I told you that I didn’t know and I didn’t want to think about it. It’s been over 9 months and I still don’t know. I still don’t want to think about it. Life has gotten much harder since I’ve lost you. There are all sorts of decisions that I must make that I wouldn’t even have to consider if you were still with me.
Jocelyn has grown up so much since you saw her last. She’s so smart. She’s saying her ABC’s and knows her numbers and she’s not even two yet. She’s got such a fun personality. The two of you would have gotten along great. I can just see you two running around, messing up the house and driving me crazy. She looks so much like you, especially in her eyes. And, much to my dismay, is just as much of a morning person as you were. The child is up and bright eyed at 5:30am. I didn’t know sleep schedules were genetic.
You never got to know about your son. I was supposed to surprise you with baby Air Jordan shoes when I got pregnant again, but I never got the chance. I hope you like the name I picked. We never really agreed on boys names but I did my best. Nathan is so different from Jocelyn and thankfully, for my sake, so much easier than she was at his age.
I’m going to do my best to raise them how you would have wanted. They will grow up knowing the kindness and goodness of God. I also will be sure to introduce them to all the things you loved. Nathan’s nursery is Super Hero themed. I think you would approve. I’ll be sure they are well versed in both Marvel and DC as well as Star Wars and all sorts of the other nerdy stuff. I can’t promise much when it comes to sports, but if either of our kids are athletically inclined I’ll find someone who can coach them.
I miss you. Sometimes it’s still hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that you do not exist anywhere on this earth. Your laugh, your smile, your vibrant personality are completely gone. Sometimes it feels like you’re going to walk in the door at any moment. Like its all been nightmare and I’m just about to wake up, At the same time, when I do dream about you I know that you aren’t really there.
There are so many times I need one of your hugs. Good hugs are hard to come by these days. It’s very difficult walking though life without you to lean on. I never appreciated how much I needed and relied on you.
I have many regrets about the short time we had together. I wish I was more patient. I wish I expressed my feelings more often. I wish I was a better wife for you. But I know dwelling on regrets does nothing, so I must let them go.
Now that our son is born I need to start moving forward. I have begun to feel hopeful about my future, but at the same time I feel a little guilty. Each step I take forward is a step further from you. I want you to know that you will always be a part of me, not matter where I go or who I love. You have left your name on my heart and it cannot be erased. The proof of our love lives in our children, as I love them I am continuing to love you.
You will never know how much you meant to me or how intensely I’ve felt your loss. I know you’re at peace, bringing joy to our Father’s heart with your song. I know you are able to worship freely and all of your questions about God that I was not able to answer to your satisfaction are finally answered.
Now that I have started writing to you I don’t want to stop. Ending this letter feels like saying goodbye again. Maybe that’s why I’ve taken so long to write you. Thinking of you this intentionally makes me feel your loss all over again. But I’ll not drag it out. So I will end this letter by saying, I love you and I am going to do my best to raise our children in faith and love like you would have wanted.
You will always be in my heart
~ Erica
John 11:25-27
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
“Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”
If you are moved by my blogs and wish to support me in this journey that I am in, I’ve explained how to do so here.
I am sure Jon loves this letter. Like you said, it is hard to believe that our husbands don’t exist on this planet anymore. That is something I struggle with it. I feel my husband but I will never see him in the flesh or hear his spoken words.
I am tearing up from the letter. My daughter was 18 months when my husband went into the ICU (He never left, except to be moved to another hospital’s ICU) and she was 23 months when he passed and now she is almost 2 and a half and has grown up so much.
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I was just looking through some pictures and saw one of my daughter taken the day before Jon passed. I can’t believe how much she’s grown since then. She’ll be 2 in a couple weeks.
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That is one of the hardest parts of widowhood for me is seeing how much she changes and learns and how her father isn’t here, at least in an earthly manner. I was looking at a video I took while he was in the hospital and I thought “Wow, she has changed so much.”
But I guess we will both be living this way forever. Each milestone, we will feel our losses. 😦
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Erica,
My husband died this past November unexpectedly by drowning. Leaving me a 35 year widow to raise our 2 children (9,6). I am also pregnant with our 3 child. I feel like your story is so relate able to mine. I wonder how I am going to get through the labor and delivery without his love and support. Any tips?
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Hey Katie,
I’m so sorry you’re walking the same path I had to. It’s not right what we have to face. I don’t really have any tips. I tried not to think about the labor as much as possible until it was facing me. You’ll make it through it when the time comes. Just like you’ve made it through all of the hard days so far.
I wrote out my whole labor experience in a previous blog, if you want to read how I handled it.
https://ericaroman.me/2017/01/09/a-widows-labor-my-story-of-life-after-death/
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I hope things get better.
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Hey! I just now saw your comment. I’m not sure if you’ll see my reply, but it was nice hearing from you. This was written several months ago. It got a bit harder after this for awhile, but this past month I finally turned a corner and I’m able to breathe once more. Thank you for checking up on me. I hope you are doing well.
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Like you, I lost my husband of 10 years suddenly and unexpectedly to an undetected heart condition on March 18, 2016. From that time forward, I maintained a journal, but it was in the form of letters to him. At first it was hard to write to him, in fact, hard to write anything at all. I was so numb and shocked and just went through the motions at first. But as time went on, it was one of my releases to share my day and my thoughts with him in the form these daily letters. Some of the pages in my journal are completely smeared from my tears, other pages have laughter jumping from the pages. Writing to him also helped me as I was making decisions that I’d never had to face before, and also for those decisions that we would have normally made together.
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