I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Tell the world I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away
all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and
they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home,
I’m coming home
tell the world that I’m coming
One of the first coherent thoughts that came through the fog of my shock and despair in the days following Jon’s death was, “I have to move back to Nashville.”
Vero Beach was never supposed to be a permanent place for me. Jon and I were never planning on settling down here. We were gearing up to move to Miami when I lost him. Even as I was planning the funeral I was trying to figure out how to make the move. I would have driven up there and lived in my car if I had to. And then I found out I was pregnant. Moving was no longer an option for me. The fact that I was no longer able to leave Vero was one of the main reasons that I initially resented my pregnancy. (My son Nathan is the joy of my heart, but it was a process getting to this point.)
The more time passed the less hope I had was able to hold on to for Nashville. All the while reasons to stay piled up.
There’s housing I can afford on my own here.
My family is here. My friends are here.
If I need help with my kids I have lots of support here.
Leaving would make it hard for my kids to be close to their grandparents.
I have several potential job leads here.
I could realistically build a life here in my own strength.
I told myself all of these reasons to try and make myself feel better about giving up on starting fresh in Nashville. It hurt to hope for what felt to be impossible so I was desperately trying to make peace with the fact that I would have to remain in Vero. But I could see exactly how my life would play out and I was dying inside.
“What do you fear, my lady?”
“A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.”
More than anything I want adventure in my life. A standard 9-5 existence would be a slow death for me. A cage. The thing I fear the most. This is the fate I saw for myself if I could not escape Vero. But after everything that I went through this year I did not have strength to make a way out on my own. So I let it go and tried to accept the cage.
But there was the the tiniest glimmer of hope that refused to die.
A friend of mine expressed interest in attending a conference that my church in Nashville was hosting and I agreed to go. Secretly I was reluctant to go. I had worked to hard to kill the dream and I didn’t want it to be reawakened only to be disappointed.
So I prayed. “God, if you want me to move I need you to make it obvious, make it easy and do it this weekend.” If God didn’t show me an open door with a neon sign pointing to it I was going to start putting roots down in Vero.
As I showed my friends around Nashville I got the overwhelming feeling of “home”. Walking downtown and driving through the parks all felt like I was supposed to be there. When I stood in worship at my church the first night of the conference I felt the tangible presence of God for the first time this year. I felt Him hold me. With tears streaming down my face I asked Him to please make a way for me to return to Nashville. In response He whispered, “I will level the mountains before you. All you will have to do is walk over them.”
The faint glimmer of hope grew into a soft glow. The only thing keeping me from moving was a place to stay. I want to attend the second year of the ministry school I went to several years ago. (My next blog will go into why.) The school runs September to May. I needed to find a place with room for me and my children to stay during those months which would allow me to focus on the school and give me time to find a long term living solution.
I let myself hope.
God made good on His word.
A door opened.
The mountain between Vero and Nashville has been leveled for me.
I will be moving to Nashville in August.
Needless to say I am incredibly excited, but even more I am so relieved. I finally have a path set before me. One that is going to lead to adventures.
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This is what the Lord says: “I will go before you,
and level the mountains.
I will smash down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—
I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.