I am a widow.
In 30 seconds my life was shattered.
A trap door opened from under me.
I fell into what seemed like a bottomless abyss of darkness until finally my being was dashed on the rocks below.
I have wept until I had nothing left within me.
I have held my breath to keep from screaming.
I have felt loneliness, anguish, and terror with an intensity that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.
There were times that it took all my strength to keep from collapsing onto the floor
and no matter how hard I tried I could not keep myself from trembling.
Night after sleepless night was spent in an endless loop of nightmares and dark thoughts.
The sound of demons whispering my worst doubts and fears echoed in my ears.
If one could die from wishing for death I would not be here now.
I’m still here.
But I still died.
Not physically perhaps, but the person I was is gone.
No one warns you what happens when death parts you from the one you had become one with.
The person I was, the dreams I had, and the future I was working towards all died the moment I heard the words “He didn’t make it.”
I died that day too.
But I survived death.
Slowly, painfully I crawled out from the darkness of the abyss and stood, eyes blinking in the light of a new day and a new life.
I am scarred from the impact and the journey but I am no longer bleeding.
The shattered pieces of me have been reformed.
Like steel beaten down and thrust into the fire, I have emerged from the furnace a weapon.
I am stronger.
I am wiser.
I am braver.
I have faced the terror of the night and will not be intimidated by anything this world could throw at me now.
I have survived the most intense pain I will have to endure.
I have already faced the worst life can bring.
Can anything stop me now?
I am a widow.
That means I have battle scars.
That means I am a warrior.
2 Corinthians 4:7-11 ; 16-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
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I love this. Thank you.
Thank you for all of this. Only recently discovered your blog. From a widower to another widow, keep doing what you’re doing. I’m bringing my blog to a close, soon, but should you be interested virtualbeth.wordpress.com
I just found you and am so happy I did. I lost my husband in his sleep of a heart attack on. May 24, 2016. I have three little girls. Every day is a new mountain and I make it to the top each and every time. Your writing touches me and I feel like it is me saying these words. Thank you 💜
Hello, I just found your blog after your post about Patton Oswalt. It resonated very strongly and I searched out your blog. I am a widower of about 4 years now. We did not have any children. We had only been together a short time when she had cancer the first time and the doctors advised against children ,saying it would increase her chances of the cancer returning. Unfortunately, the cancer returned a few years later and she died about 16 months later at the age of 43.
Even though my circumstances were different , your story touches my heart. Your blog is beautifully written, and I am so sorry for your pain and remember how intense it was for me in the beginning as well. Fortunately, as time has gone on, the intensity has lessened. I feel like you nailed it when you said ” I have already faced the worst that life can bring.” It does get better, and I feel like you are experiencing that as well. I had a person ask me if I felt like I had learned anything from the experience. My first reaction was, bad things happen to good people for no explainable reason. But, after reflecting a bit, I also feel like I now realize and more fully appreciate all the good and wonderful things in my life, and I think I have become a more compassionate person as well.
I have been lucky enough to meet a new woman who is absolutely wonderful. It was difficult to jump back into the dating game as you have referenced. I felt very guilty about it. Strangely enough, it was my late wife’s mother who gave me the push I needed. She reminded me that Christina had told me not to stay alone and I needed to find someone to love. I know your Jon would have said the same. You will know when the time is right for you.
Thank you for your beautiful blog, I hope that writing it helps you find peace. You deserve it.
Nice post, Dean. It is a testament to human strength and spirit that out of such a devastating experience we can learn and even grow. Congratulations on having found someone, I wish you all the best.
My wife passed 2 years ago, 19 with her, I was 42,. someone sent me this article because I expressed it almost word for word,… crazy, we wake everyday on a planet we dont recognize,. I puked nothing into the toilet for 6 weeks, hanging on for dear life,. terror I didn’t know possible,. I too am now fearless and picking up others and doing well,. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone either,.
Sorry for your loss. But please, in all of your interactions with suitors, be careful. Keep your children at the top of that list of priorities.
My God…I am you, and we are members of an unfortunate club.
Beautiful words…thank you.
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