I am a widow.
In 30 seconds my life was shattered.
A trap door opened from under me.
I fell into what seemed like a bottomless abyss of darkness until finally my being was dashed on the rocks below.
I have wept until I had nothing left within me.
I have held my breath to keep from screaming.
I have felt loneliness, anguish, and terror with an intensity that I would not wish upon my worst enemy.
There were times that it took all my strength to keep from collapsing onto the floor
and no matter how hard I tried I could not keep myself from trembling.
Night after sleepless night was spent in an endless loop of nightmares and dark thoughts.
The sound of demons whispering my worst doubts and fears echoed in my ears.
If one could die from wishing for death I would not be here now.
I’m still here.
But I still died.
Not physically perhaps, but the person I was is gone.
No one warns you what happens when death parts you from the one you had become one with.
The person I was, the dreams I had, the future I was working towards all died the moment I heard the words “He didn’t make it.”
I died that day too.
But I survived death.
Slowly, painfully I crawled out from the darkness of the abyss and stood, eyes blinking in the light of a new day and a new life.
I am scarred from the impact and the journey but I am no longer bleeding.
The shattered pieces of me have been reformed.
Like steel beaten down and thrust into the fire, I have emerged from the furnace a weapon.
I am stronger.
I am wiser.
I am braver.
I have faced the terror of night and will not be intimidated by anything this world could throw at me now.
I have survived the most intense pain I will have to endure.
I have already faced the worst life can bring.
Can anything stop me now?
I am widow.
That means I have battle scars.
That means I am a warrior.
2 Corinthians 4:7-11 ; 16-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
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