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Erica Roman Blog

I write so that my healing may bring healing to others.

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Tag: quote

5 Posts

Impossible Adventures

December 5, 2016 — 0 Comments

His Voice

November 7, 2016 — 1 Comment

When Someone You Know is Going Through Trauma (PART 2)

October 20, 2016 — 2 Comments

“Like a Gently Creeping Vine”

October 18, 2016 — 2 Comments

A Grief Observed

June 4, 2016 — 0 Comments

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Thanks giving changed my life. Literally. . Two years ago, I was stuck in a rut of survival, frustration and hopelessness. The very idea of gratitude made me angry. Still swirling in pain, I didn’t think I had much to be thankful for. . When I was challenged to find one thing I was thankful for every day and post about it, I immediately though, “Hell no. Hard pass.” . I then spent the rest of the day feeling convicted about it. I knew that I knew I was supposed to do it. So with much reluctance, I did. . The first couple days were easy. I did Jocelyn and Nathan on separate days so they’d count as two. But after the obvious it became quite a challenge for me to think of more. . I remember one particularly hard day, the only thing I could think to be thankful for was the glass of wine that I drank after the kids went to bed. . But the exercise was helping more than I realized. I read recently that gratitude can actually re-wire your brain and I 100% believe it because I experienced it. . It’s amazing how powerful it is to shift your attention from darkness to light. Even if the only light you can find is a small flickering candle. . The best part is, it was because of the that thankfulness challenge that I met Neil. I followed everyone else who was doing that thankfulness hashtag challenge and Neil was one of them. . Thankfulness changed my life. It not only helped to bring me up from the pit, but it introduced me to the man who would teach me what love and marriage is supposed to be like. . Happy Thanksgiving. My you all find joy through intentional gratitude during this wonderful holiday season. . . #thanksgiving #happythanmsgiving #gratitude #ericaroman #selfie

How do I know I’ve landed an amazing husband? . Is it because we’re super compatible in literally every area? (Backed up with empirical data from our pre marriage counselor!) . Is it because we have a lot of fun together? That we both enjoy fancy dinner dates or staying in and drinking whiskey while we watch Star Wars and everything in between. . Is it because he can command an audience with both comedy and serious matters. Or because he’s comfortable with big power tools and can throw axes like a Viking? (Both super hot btw 🔥) . Is it because he has taken on my children as his own, so much so that they want to be like him? That he gets up for as many midnight wake ups as I do and probably washes more dishes? (Both also super hot! 🔥 🔥) . Is it because he’s confident enough in himself to not only give me space to grieve Jon but be there for me when I cry over my loss? . For all of those reasons together, marrying Neil is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. It’s up there with moving to Nashville and following Jesus. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have this man in my life. I’m grateful for him every day, but especially today.. on his birthday. . Happy birthday @neilrittle. I hope you always know how much I love you.

Today would have been Jon’s 36th birthday. My heart has been sad and heavy for the last week or so knowing this date was coming. . Everyone has been doing that 10 year challenge and every time I see one it hits me.. 10 years ago, in 2009 I married Jon. . Sometimes I think back at that 20 year old Erica and feel sad for all of the things she was going to experience in the next 10 years. And then I think about Jon.. and how much he hasn’t gotten to experience since he died. . He wouldn’t know me now. The Erica with a new edge to her and a big tattoo on the shoulder. He hasn’t seen me driving around in my black Kia Soul wearing glasses for the first time. He never got to talk to the Erica who lost her filter and loves to talk about the things you’re not supposed to talk about. . And then there are his kids. A few weeks back Jocelyn walked over to me with tears in her eyes, “My daddy in heaven didn’t get to see me grow up. Why, Mama?” . Jon has missed out on so much already. He barely got to know his daughter and never even knew he had a son. . In the past my grief was more self centered, focusing on what I had lost or what the kids have lost. But today I’ve been thinking about Jon and what he’s missing. Big things like our friends having babies and small things like how much he would have loved the new Star Wars series. . Today I helped Jocelyn make her daddy in heaven a birthday card where she drew a picture of the 3 of us walking away. I talked about him as I let the kids rummage through the box of his things. And we listened to him sing as we ate his favorite Red Velvet cake. . Tonight I hold him in my heart as I think about the bride who would experience too much and the groom who would experience too little. . . . #rememberme #birthdayinheaven #widow #youngwidow #remarriedwidow #ericaroman

PTSD is something I’ve avoided associating myself with. That’s something that effects war vets and assault victims. I was just widowed. I thought that it would be overdramatic to think that I might have #PTSD. . But after months of my therapist pointing out symptoms of PTSD, I’ve began to understand it’s impact on my experience. . The early months of widowhood were filled with horrific nightmares and panic attacks that sometimes were so intense that my throat would literally close leaving me unable to breath in or out and wondering if I was about to die. . My symptoms today are waaaay less severe but they are still present and finally being able to name them has helped me cope with them. . Today Neil and I were in the mood for tacos and happened to be near @plazamariachi . They often have live music but I was not expecting a couple guys on acoustic guitars singing all the songs Jon used to sing. I walked into the courtyard and it was like crashing into a brick wall. . My whole body tensed up and I felt like I was going to throw up. I could hear Jon’s version of the songs in my head louder than the band 15 feet away from me. I felt like bursting in to tears. . I’ve realized that the acoustic guitar is a trigger for me. But when Neil asked if I wanted to go I told him no. I don’t want to live my life that way. . I may have been triggered, my body fully alert and alarmed.. but I wasn’t going to bend to it. Not even when they started to sing Fly Me To The Moon. A song that Jon left for me on my voice mail that I still have and listen to on anniversaries. Rather than run away, I got up and put a 5 dollar bill in their tip jar in his honor. . Because I know *why* my body and mind are responding that way.. I also know *how* to manage when it happens. I kept my butt in my seat and did my best to try and slow down my breathing so I could enjoy my tocos. . I know my PTSD symptoms are very mild compared to some. But I think downplaying our experience by saying it’s not “as bad as” others keeps us from getting help and pressing onwards towards healing. . Get help if you need it! Just because cancer is worse doesn’t mean a broken leg isn’t painful or in need of mending.

I always forget how nice it feels to blow dry my hair. I should do it more often.. and for better reasons than going to my 16th Habitat homeowners class.

Jocelyn had her first dentist appointment today and was so brave! I know she’s a bit old for a first visit but life got away from me. . It’s so nice to finally be in a place where I’m no longer too overwhelmed to think about tasks like kids dental appointments. . It made me so happy and relieved to hear that she has no cavities and the dentist was super impressed at how clean her teeth are. . So all you moms who feel stressed out and constantly worry that you keep dropping the ball... cut yourself some slack. You’re doing better than you think you are. ❤️

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