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Erica Roman Blog

I write so that my healing may bring healing to others.

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Tag: youngwidow

1 Post

A Widow’s Rage Defense of Patton Oswalt’s Engagement

July 7, 2017 — 848 Comments

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It’s been nearly 3 years since I’ve read a book. This coming from someone who once devoured books one after the other. But until recently my life was in a constant upheaval that did not allow for reading. What an amazing book to kick start my reading life once more. . . If you’re looking for a testimony with that’s been sanitized to an “appropriate” level of darkness.. this is not the book. Were I to leave a trigger warning it would be : literally everything. So if you’re sensitive to sex, abuse, alcohol, drugs, suicide... you might not want to read it. . . But if you would like to read a powerful, raw and authentic story of beauty in the brokenness. This is the book for you. If I could hand a copy to every single person I would. . . Some of my favorite quotes: . “They wouldn’t let me to heal myself by turning my beatings into acts of hilarity.” . “When the devil wants to send you a message, he can always find a religious person to deliver it with perfect timing.” . And the 2nd half of page 97. . . #jackdeere #eveninourdarkness #bookrecommendation

I didn’t post a public declaration of love yesterday. I didn’t because of sick kids, a walk in clinic visit, hair cuts, grocery shopping.. not because I’m anti-Valentine’s. Yesterday was just a bit insane. . . I remember when Valentine’s Day was painful for me. It was hard to see a flood of reminders of who and what I lost everywhere I looked. Tv ads, the grocery store.. and especially my social media new feed. . . As difficult as it was, I did my best not to let bitterness cause me to resent the people who had love in their life. I would never wish the pain of my loss on anyone so why would I be angry at people who were enjoying the love they had been blessed with? To the degree that I was capable, and it was a pretty small degree, I celebrated the fact that so many people had the thing I craved most. . . And now, I get the chance once again to celebrate for myself. I may have missed the official Valentine’s Day, but thankfully, every day is a good day to honor the one you love. And I love this man. . . Neil you are living proof that amazing men exist. You’ve elevated my experience of love to a degree I didn’t know existed. Even the hardest days aren’t bad because we’re in it together. Thank you for all the dishes you wash and all the mornings you take the kids so I can sleep a little longer. Thank you for being a safe place to share the hidden places of my heart. Thank you for bringing laughter and love into my life. I am forever grateful for you. . . Photo credit @angelademsickphotography . . #ericaroman #valentines #love #grateful #remarriedwidow

Motherhood is hard. And unfortunately, I’ve noticed that it’s pretty common for more seasoned moms to downplay the struggle of newer moms. “You have it easy, just wait until [insert whatever future stage] and you’ll see.” I find this comment unhelpful, disrespectful and untrue. None of us have it easy. All of the seasons of motherhood are hard. Each season brings its own difficulty and joy. . . I know I’m only 4 years in. I haven’t reached the teenage season of motherhood yet (and i know it doesn’t stop there), but I worked with teens for years and I’m also the oldest of 5 kids. I’ve seen firsthand that as kids get older it‘s not quite so physically demanding as the early years but it becomes more complicated. But comparing the early and later seasons of motherhood is like comparing winning an Olympic medal and becoming a brain surgeon. One is simple and one is complicated but neither are easy. . . Let’s stop being condescending to younger moms. I know I’m still in the early years but I feel like I’m not out of line when I say that Motherhood is hard. Period. (And it’s also wonderful in every season.) When a mom writes a post or talks about how it’s been a tough day with the kids she just needs to be encouraged. Dismissing her struggle with a “this is the easy part..” comment is unkind and lacking in empathy. Tell her that she’s doing great, offer to give her a break and if you can’t do that then just keep scrolling. . . #motherhood #mom #boymom #girlmom #momsofinstagram

Earlier this week, Jocelyn and I were sitting on the couch looking at pictures on my phone, when all the sudden she clutched her chest and cried out, “I’m hurting!” . . I jumped up and tried to figure out what was happening. She’d been sent home from childcare because she was running a fever. Did I need to take her to the Emergency room? . . “What’s hurting?!” I asked . “My heart!” . “Your heart?” . “My heart hurts because my Dada died!” . . Jocelyn has been asking a lot of questions about Jon this week. Questions about his death. . . “Why did Nathan have to get a shot?” She asked on the way home from childcare that day. . “We get shots to help our bodies fight big sicknesses.” . After a pause she asked, “Why didn’t Dada get a shot?” . “Oh honey... we didn’t know Dada was sick.” . “Why was he sick?” . . “His heart had something break inside.” . “But Jesus wasn’t in his heart?” . “Yes he was. Your Daddy loved Jesus.” . “Did Jesus run away from his heart?” . “No. Jesus was there the whole time. He never left. Sometimes bad things happen, but Jesus doesn’t leave.” . “But I want Dada to be fine!” She cried. . “Me too, Love. Me too.” . . Later on she asked me if her Dada could come to her superhero birthday party. I told her that I wish he could but he’s in heaven now. He had been to her first birthday. Would she like to see pictures of it? . . We sat on the couch all cuddled together scrolling through the photos and videos of her first birthday. She seemed happy and pointed out toys that she still has today. It wasn’t until we got to the picture of Jon pushing her on the swing she’d been given that she cried out that she was hurting. . . I knew Jocelyn would grieve the loss of her father at some point.. I just never thought it would be so soon. I hate that she’s suffered such a heavy loss so young. . . As she lay crying on the couch, the only thing I could do was to be with her and tell her that I was sad too. As much as I want to protect her from it, sadness is not evil. It needs to be felt. And I know that while that was the first time I needed to hold Jocelyn while her little heart grieved, it won’t be the last. And all I can do is love her through it.

Impromptu ice cream date! 🍦❤️🍦 (Gotta take advantage of all the free childcare we can get!)

Just moments ago, Jocelyn was waiting in her bed while I put Nathan down for his nap. When I came into her room to put her to bed, I saw her special photo book tucked in beside her. It contains all of the photos I could find of just her and Jon. . I wish she could have had more time with him. I wish Nathan could have had even the shortest time. It breaks my heart I can’t make a similar book for him. Or even a single photo to frame. . Yesterday morning, Neil took the kids downstairs to let me rest a little longer before he had to go to work. I was in that twilight place between awake and asleep when I had this dream like and yet very real experience. I felt Jon’s presence with me. I don’t say that lightly or often. I’ve only felt it once before on the night Nathan was born. . It was as if he was standing right next to me. We could hear the kids playing loudly downstairs, Neil’s voice mingled with theirs. In the dream-like space we occupied, Jon and I walked together down the stairs and stopped at the last step to watch the playful scene before us. . Neil and the kids were on the couch. He was making silly voices and tickling the kids when they got close. . Jon sighed, “I wish I could have gotten to know them. I wanted more than anything to be their father. But I’m glad they have a dad who loves them, even if it can’t be me.” . Jon never entered the living room. It was as if he didn’t want to disturb the happy moment playing out. He just stood and watched them in a quiet state of contentment. . And then I woke up. The sounds of the kids playing were still echoing up the stairs, but the sense of Jon’s presence gently faded away. . Over the last two days my awareness of how much Jon has missed out on has been heightened. And how much my children have missed out as well. . But even with that lingering sadness there is an overwhelming sense of gratefulness. My kids have missed out on knowing their father, on knowing Jon, but they will not miss out on the experience of having and being loved by a father. . My kids have two amazing dads. One who would have loved them and one who has chosen to love them as his own. What an amazing blessing. . . #widow

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© Erica Roman, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Erica Roman and Erica Roman Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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