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Erica Roman Blog

I write so that my healing may bring healing to others.

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Tag: youngwidow

1 Post

A Widow’s Rage Defense of Patton Oswalt’s Engagement

July 7, 2017 — 848 Comments

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I remember in years past I had to actively keep my heart from hurting when I saw all the happy, whole families posting their Easter photos. Today as we celebrated the One who makes all things new, I found myself so grateful for everything new and wonderful in my life. . . If anyone reading this feels weary, discouraged and stuck in the trenches, please don’t give up. Hold onto hope with everything you have and eventually you will look around and discover that you’ve made it through the battle. If you keep searching you will find the light. . . Happy Easter everyone

I’ve written a blog post. It’s the first official blog I’ve written in nearly a year. It’s about to be Easter Sunday and I felt compelled to share my greatest spiritual breakthrough in my healing and it all revolves around the cross. . Link in profile . #happyeaster #ressurectionsunday #widow #blog #faith #breakthrough #thecross

One last post for today. I realized that my first post was about others, the second was about me.. this one I want to be about Jon. . . Most of the videos I have shared of Jon have been him singing. His voice was absolutely amazing and I love having other people listen to him sing because I’m still so proud of his voice. But I thought I would go a different direction today. Videos of him singing show off his talent.. this one shows his personality. . . Jon was always daring himself to do crazy things. He once challenged a personal trainer to a push up contest. This time he decided that he would hand feed my dad’s eel. Which.. he kinda did.. sorta. 😂 . . I think one of the best things about Jon was how he could make anything entertaining. With his self deprecating and exaggerated humor he could turn the simplest thing into a spectacle. He knew how to make people smile and feel good about themselves. He was the guy you wanted at your party. He was a bright light who’s absence is still felt by many. . . @roman__music you are still missed by your friends, your family, your children and me.

As I was looking for a photo to post today from the time just before Jon died, it kept striking me how normal everything was. We were just like every other married couple with a baby, living their day to day life . . The last photos I have of me and Jon together were from Jocelyn’s one year old photo shoot taken just two weeks before he died. I keep looking at my face in those photos. It’s not out of the realm of possibilities that I was pregnant with Nathan on that day. I was blissfully unaware of the double sucker punch that I was about to receive . . I look at the woman in these photos and I realize that the fires have forged me into someone different. But even so, sometimes I feel her wake up inside of me. Its like she startles from a coma, looks around and begins to freak out. “Where am I? Where is Jon? What happened?! What’s going on?” . . I feel her panic take over my body and I have to intentionally slow down my breathing and let my present self take back the reins. It’s like a small piece of my heart is frozen in time, stuck on April 18, 2016 . . I think I’ve noticed that piece in my heart even more now that I’ve built a completely different life. I’m remarried, living in a new place with new plans & goals and there are very few people in my daily life who knew Jon . . The other day a situation reminded me of something Jon had done. I had the story primed on my lips, “Remember that one time when Jon...” And then I looked at the faces around me and not one of them had even met him. In that moment the 2016 Erica surfaced and I had to take a few deep breaths and calm her back down to sleep . . I want to wrap up this post in a neat little bow.. say something inspirational.. but honestly I’m just sad. Sad for Jon and everything he’s missed. Sad for that 2016 Erica and everything she endured. But also.. sadness isn’t evil. It’s good to let yourself be sad now and again. Being sad doesn’t mean that I’m ungrateful or hopeless. I’m simply making space for my heart to feel and release the hurt inside . . Ps: Families go get photos taken. You will never regret capturing memories when they’re all you have left. Thank you @martinasphotography for this photo shoot

Today marks 3 years since I lost Jon. One of the most precious gifts to me is when I have have opportunities to say his name and even more precious is when others bring his name into the conversation. So today, in honor of Jon and his wonderful smile, I’d like to give my followers the same gift. Tell me the name of the one you lost and your favorite thing about them. . . #3years #widow #youngwidow #widowed #remarriedwidow #memories #grief #honor #remember #ericaroman

In the analytical part of my brain I recognize that I am very sad this week, but I don’t feel it at all. Thursday will be three years since Jon died. I know that under the surface grief and sadness are bubbling but I haven’t been able sit still long enough to feel it . Lately it seems like every day has been filled to capacity and the last two days have been rough . Neil injured his toe at work yesterday. I helped him bandage and re bandage it until the amount of continual bleeding caused us to decided to go to the ER at 9pm. Needless to say it was a late night . This morning, I had to take my son to a GI appointment. He’s been having issues since he was a baby but now that it’s evident that he won’t grow out of it, the doctors are starting to try and figure out what’s wrong. The doctor presented me some options to consider. I decided the best one in the long run is by far the scariest one . Helping Neil with his injury and making hard choices for Nathan were both emotionally taxing. I know this logically but I haven’t actually felt any of it yet . In the last 3 years I have gotten really good at functioning. I can keep an even keel in any situation because, like an unruly dog at a dinner party, I can put my emotions in the back room until the situation is safe to let them loose once more . There is a problem with keeping emotions locked in the back room of your heart: you can only heal the emotions you feel. I have pressed into healing with all of my strength and I now know that I can’t exist solely in function. I must make room for emotions in my life or they will silently begin to rot and eventually destroy the core of who I am . In the last couple weeks I haven’t even been home long enough to do a decent clean of my apartment, much less rest and reconnect to my heart. With everything going on this week I can’t afford to not make room in my schedule for my heart to breathe . Tomorrow morning I have some time away from the kids. Rather than being practical and productive, I’m going to take a long quiet walk in the woods with the sole purpose of letting myself feel everything I need to feel about all of the things swirling around me this week

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© Erica Roman, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Erica Roman and Erica Roman Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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