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Erica Roman Blog

I write so that my healing may bring healing to others.

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Tag: youngwidow

1 Post

A Widow’s Rage Defense of Patton Oswalt’s Engagement

July 7, 2017 — 849 Comments

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Two years ago today I did something brave. I uprooted my tiny, broken family and moved 800 miles away from my friends and family. . I know many thought I was crazy. Jocelyn was 2. Nathan, only 8 months old. It made absolutely no logical sense for a single mom with two very small children to leave her entire support network behind. . But it didn’t matter that everyone thought I was crazy and it would only be a matter of time before I came back home. I knew I needed to go and I was going to make it happen. . I crash landed in to Nashville. To say that the trip up here was a frustrating disaster would be an understatement. The first year I lived here I didn’t make any friends because it was all I could do to keep myself from audibly screaming. There was so much grief stirred up by going through ministry school and at the same time I was barely keeping myself above water without any sleep from a teething baby and a clingy toddler. . There were many many times I wanted to give up and go back home to the beach where my life would be considerably easier. . It was overwhelmingly difficult that first year but I was determined that Nashville was where I needed to be. I pushed and pushed through the hardship, the pain and the loneliness knowing that eventually things would get better. And I was right. . Two years later I look back and I’m so proud that I risked everything to build the life I wanted. I’m so glad I didn’t let the obstacles stop me. I put all of my poker chips to the middle of the table and in the end, I won. . Don’t let fear keep you from taking the risk you know you need to take. Don’t give difficulties and hardship the power to make you give up on what you’re fighting for. . Nothing great comes quickly or easily. Nothing powerful can come from your comfort zone. Fight for the person you want to be and the life you want to live. . . #ericaroman #fightforyourlife #overcome #perserverance #bestrong #takearisk #singlemom #widow #youngwidow #remarriedwidow

I’ve been laying in bed since first thing this morning when Neil had to carry me up the steps and help me back in to bed. . At breakfast I sneezed so hard that I threw out my back. The pain was so bad that I had to lay on the floor and breath through it for awhile. . Neil was 5 minutes from leaving for work but when he saw I couldn’t move he took a sick day to take care of me and the kids. . I spent the day binge watching Downton Abbey and feeling annoyed at how utterly useless I was. I couldn’t even put Jocelyn’s hair in a proper pony tail before they went to the park. But I will say, today, like many days, has left me incredibly grateful for Neil. . Nearly 2 years ago I threw out my neck and shoulder after I slipped down some stairs while holding Nathan. I had just moved to Nashville and had no friends or family to help me. Jocelyn wasn’t quite 3 and Nathan wasn’t even walking. Staying in bed wasn’t an option for me. . I had to care for my children alone despite the excruciating pain that didn’t even allow me to turn my head. I cried often that week but only half of the tears were because of the pain I was in. . I hope I never forget what it was like to have nothing and no one because I want to spend the rest of my life being full of gratitude for everything I have now. . Today I heard the sounds of my kids laughter floating up the stairs as Neil played silly games with them. (Occasionally interspersed with a tantrum.) Today I was able to rest and recover without needing to worry about my kids at all. . I am very aware of how incredibly blessed that I am. I have found a man who takes care of me and our children so well, without question or complaint. I’m also very much aware that not everyone has that luxury. . I know I’ve said this before and I promise I will say this again: Check on the single parents in your life. They need help. They need a break. Don’t expect them to come tell you if/when they need help. Trust me. Just pick something and do it. . . #gratitude #happilymarried #singleparent

Yesterday I got my very first pair of glasses. Today I sneezed and threw my back out so bad that I can’t walk. They weren’t joking when they said your body starts to fall apart after 30 😂😫👵🏼

I had another opportunity to speak this morning! I’m starting to feel more confident. I know that I’ve often said that along with writing, speaking is something I want to do as a career.. but I’m starting to feel like it’s more than a pipe dream. . . . #ericaroman #smallbeginnings

Writing a book is a challenge in and of itself. Writing about your own trauma and pain adds another level of difficulty. But the thing I find the most difficult is writing my real experience of Jon. . In my before life I had been writing fiction and fiction is so much easier. In fiction you have good guys and bad guys. Sure a well written good guy has flaws and a believable villain has soft spots, but overall in the story good guys do good things and bad guys do bad things. . I’m writing about a real man. A real man who I loved but was far from perfect. We had a lot of struggles right from the beginning. . I didn’t want to marry him. In fact, I was thinking about breaking up with him before the purity culture I grew up in shamed me down the aisle. On our honeymoon Jon remarked that maybe we made a mistake and insisted on cutting our honeymoon short. . The first three years had some good times but mostly it was rough. By the beginning of our 3rd year I wanted a divorce. We got help and worked through it. By the 4th year we were working towards happiness. Our last two years were pretty great. . In the book I write about some of the conflicts and arguments of our early marriage. I’m struggling because I can only tell those stories based on how I experienced them. Jon isn’t here to explain his motives or defend his actions. . When I write short posts or blogs I’m able to easily omit or gloss over any failings on Jon’s part. But in my book that’s not always possible. . More than anything I want to honor Jon. But at the same time I need to tell the whole truth. My life with Jon wasn’t a romantic fairy tale with a tragic ending. It was more like a frontier story where we had to carve a home out of the vast and dangerous wilderness. And after all the sweat and blood we put into building it, he died and I had to leave behind the home we fought so hard to build. . How do I write about a man who was a great father but wasn’t always a great husband? Who was a good friend but not always a hard worker? How do I express that I always loved him but there were times I was dissatisfied with our life? . I’m working on that balance, but it’s a tightrope walk for sure.

I’m not a good spender. For Mother’s Day, Neil orchestrated a collection from friends & family that amounted to $700 so I could go buy myself a new wardrobe. Since then I’ve only purchased a shirt and a blazer. Yesterday I decided to actually go shopping with it. . As I strolled aimlessly though the aisles of clothes, I had to combat old instincts. The old Erica had a poverty mindset that valued quantity over quality and function over form. Buying an $80 pair of black slacks gave me so much anxiety considering I could have bought 4 cheap pairs for the same price. . That poverty mindset hit hardest when it came to buying a pair of earrings. My ears are very sensitive and even gold plated earrings would make my ears burn so severely that my whole ear was hot to the touch. I’ve been wanting a pair of solid gold earrings for years. It had been so long since I’ve worn earrings that I was worried that my piercings had closed. . When it came to purchasing them I felt apprehensive. I felt like I was wasting money. The earrings I picked aren’t extravagant. The small gold hoops were on sale for $40 at JC Pennys, but I still kept thinking that they weren’t as practical as a shirt or a pair of shoes. . Historically I put very little value on my needs, much less my wants. I have wanted earrings for a very long time and the money I had been given was to be spend on things I wanted. I forced myself to buy them and I think they’re my favorite purchase so far. . . Other things I’ve needed. I needed running shoes. I needed black slacks I can speak in. I needed a few nice outfits for my internship. But the earrings. They were for me. Just because I wanted them. They have no purpose except that they make me happy. . I think sometimes we get into a high functioning mode and we forget to invest in ourselves. I thought it was just a widow thing or a mom thing, but I have a feeling it’s a human thing. . As I actively work on shifting from surviving to thriving, I have to constantly remind myself that thriving looks like taking quiet walks when I’m overwhelmed, it looks like napping when I’m exhausted, and it looks like buying earrings even though they don’t serve a practical purpose.

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© Erica Roman, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Erica Roman and Erica Roman Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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