Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who know’s me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgement and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life, when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? Its been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because thats what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hell fire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Life is too short to be judgmental.
I am a widow dating a widower. It’s impossible for a person who has not lost a spouse/partner to even imagine what it is like to walk in our shoes.
I wish anyone who is blessed enough to find love again all the happiness in the world.
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You have put into words so beautifully with such intensity the feelings i have towards my friends who are standing in judgement of the widow of our friend. He is trying to move on and everyone around him is trying to pull him back down. It’s sickening to observe and yet i feel powerless to speak my mind. Thank you for being courageous yourself on so many levels. I applaud you!
Diane
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I have not lost a spouse, nor can I fathom it, but I agree with you wholeheartedly. It simpliy means they want to feel love, be loved and show their love. It doesn’t diminish the love they have for their other spouse, it just adds on.
It reminds me of the book “Room in my Heart” by Beverly Evans.
A synopsis from a comment on an Amazon:
“This book is about a mom explaining to her child that she has special rooms in her heart for different things: one for Daddy, one for her child, and then another one that is growing for the child she is pregnant with. Throughout the book, she makes metaphors explaining how her child might have to share a room with her little sibling when it’s born, but she’ll never have to share room in her mom’s heart because she has multiple rooms.
I thought this book was really sweet and encouraging for a mom to tell her child.
This would be important to read if you were a mom expecting another child. A lot of times, children get really jealous when their mom has another child, but this would show that even if they have to share physical space, they don’t have to share room in their mother’s heart.”
Just because you love someone new, it doesn’t destroy the old love. It adds a room to your heart for the new one.
I’m always happy to hear of marriage – when both are truly in love with each other. No one has the right to criticize it.
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Everyone’s situation is different, whereas one may be ready to “move on” in a year, others may take two or three years or even longer. I think, and this is only my opinion, that if someone was in a wonderful, loving relationship, they would love to find it again, and I also think, my opinion again, that the spouse that has died, would want to see the surviving spouse to find someone.
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I have Stage IV cancer. It’s very likely this disease will be what kills me while I’m young. I agonized over this, thinking of my husband immediately dating or marrying once I’m gone. The hurt of leaving this world and the people I love is so devastating, the thought of being replaced so quickly is heartbreaking. I know, we can go on and on- people can’t be “replaced”…my spouse deserves happiness. But selfishly, I hold hope in my heart that he honors me and our life, that he mourns deeply and painfully. He is already googling about filing taxes as a widower. He’s looking at expensive things we can’t afford. Maybe he will heal by buying the fancy car he wanted. Everyone is different, just because I think I would handle things in another way, mourn him for a long time, doesn’t guarantee what I would do in his place.
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No one knows unless they are in your shoes.
But guess what? There are no guarantees, he may die first!!
Either way, I know you would want him happy.
Filing income tax as a widower??? He better be careful, you might be filing as a widower. That is very insensitive of him.
I wish you well.
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TLynn, My husband and I were together for 35 years. His shocking diagnosis of Stage IV cancer was, as you know, shattering. I can tell you from eperience that everyone’s loss is personal, and there are no “answers” that can be shared. However, from my perspective, loving again after Jack’s death is an incredible honor to Jack and to what Jack and I shared both during his lifetime and now, in our continued relationship. The person dies, the relationship does not. Our love lives on, and for me, the love Jack and I share(d) will never be replaced. I have room in my life and in my heart to grow, and to keep living and to love another man, for which I am grateful. I wish you the best in each of your days, and send special vibes I hope reach you in the form of strength and kindness.
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Hi TLynn. First of all, I know there are no words that will comfort, I’m sorry. When we got my wife’s diagnosis of an incurable brain cancer, I was very selfish. I wished we could trade places, because I knew she would be stronger than me, were she left after I was gone. Now she is gone and I realize that I would not wish this terrible pain on my dear sweet girl. I did not prepare for these days, because to do so would be to admit what was coming, to let my Sanaa know that I knew what was inevitable. Now, eight months later, I have mounds of paperwork still waiting my attention, because I can barely function. If your husband loses you, he will be devastated, but he may at least have some paperwork in order. Even knowing ahead of time, like I did, does not prepare one for this type of loss.
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TLYNN- I am truly sorry for your diagnosis. Cancer is a cruel cruel monster with no mercy. I don’t know details of your cancer but I hope that you are able to beat it. This battle you are fighting is not one for the weak. I personally have not had cancer but I have lost loved ones and close patients of mine to this monster. I also have a couple close friends that have conquered that battle. One of them being stage IV breast cancer. Although, being around this monster more than I ever want too, I have no understanding how you must feel other than for a short moment that I myself was faced with a possible cancer diagnosis. I just remember being so scared and worried for my children. Especially for 2 of them since their father had died when they were young.
With all of this said, have you talked to your husband about your feelings? Maybe it is a way for him to avoid the emotional hurt by focusing on the realities of the world that he will need to handle without you. Maybe you could do that research together so you can be a part of it. Just a suggestion. I hope you find peace with him. Keep fighting your battle.
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I think people should keep their judgments to themselves. I agree that maybe widows have a different perspective on life because they have seen and experienced loss on a different level. So they may want to use the time they have to find love again. I think it’s ok to expand your love and everyone else should just but out. I’m not a widow myself but I’ve seen my mother in law lose my father in law. And people kept telling her when she should get back out there and date and when was too soon take off her ring. And she politely told everyone she would do as she pleases.
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Amen.
My best friend & maid of honor passed away 9 months before my wedding. You better believe I invited her boyfriend & his new GF to the wedding when the time came. I even helped pay for their plane tickets. Grief is painful & hard & wholly enveloping. When someone moves out of that darkness & blinks into the light, that is a day to open your arms & welcome the addition if it is a healthy & positive one. Truly, judgment should be the last instinct.
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I could easily drum up a few dozen reasons to dislike that man if I cared to, but this would not be one of them. I lost my wife 6 months ago to a rare side effect at the end of her successful cancer treatment. The pain and grief and loneliness are by no means alien to me. He must find his own way.
The only point I take issue with is the pejorative of Victorian manners. It is simply incorrect. A man was expected to mourn his wife for a year, but then he was free to remarry. In fact, it was often expected of them. So he’s actually well within those standards.
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You are an breath of fresh air Erica and i loved this post. Keep on doing what you’re doing. 😊❤👏👏👏
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One day everyone you know will die. Kiss them, fuck them or tell them how much they mean to you…before you can’t.
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THANK YOU for this post! A few years back my sister died of cancer at 43, the following year my brother died, I was beyond distraught, I was lost in pain. Well the day after I learned my brother died I went to work as no family live where I live and I did not want to freak out my teenage girls by exposing how mentally disabled I actually was , plus I was a mess and trying to cope. A coworker and friend a few months later and after a night of a few drinks expressed what she thought of me going to work, she said …to my face “You are crazy and too much of a workaholic, you came to work the day after your brother died, do you realize how sick that is?” I could not respond instead tears just flowed from my face, I had been taken xanax for over a year, just to cope with the constant anxiety, how could another person judge or presume anything about someone who lost so much? I am not sure if your post will change the minds of those that feel compelled to judge and shame but there was a sense of community and understanding for me a person that has lost to know how it feels to be shamed so thank you for wagging your finger back at them!
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Beth, I am so sorry you were exposed to such cruelty. That person was beyond inhuman. I hope you have cut her out of your life totally. When my husband died suddenly, many asked how they could help. Being self-employed then and now, I said, “Please send me lots of work.” I knew it would get me through the bad days and help me focus so I could support my 8-year-old daughter. You might say I self-medicated with work. I hope you have come through your pain and into the light, and that you will never have to suffer such an insensitive blow again. Bless you.
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I’m alone since almost four years.
After 30 months I felt in love with a man and, I left my country for 6 weeks before he knew this. Yes, it was a planned trip but I needed it in order to clear my thoughts. The second day I called him from my hotel and told him I’m in love with him.
I was crying every morning as I was opening fb to see photos of my husband with with whom I had the happiest marriage for almost 35 years!
Then, I was happy to hear this man’s voice on the phone every day almost 6 weeks. It costed a small fortune to talk to him on the phone from another continent.
I still cry every day thinking of my husband, I still miss him, I still love him no one can imagine how much. Nobody could ever take his place in my heart. And, nobody ever could imagine the pain in my heart.
I wish dear Erica, we could meet so I tell you my story.
As you are so good at writing, I imagine my story could be a very good scriptwrite or bestseller, 🙂
Anyway, at the end, I’d like to say that you do not fall in love when you want; it happens, no matter you want this or no.
As it happened to me, I totally can understand this magical happening in our lives: “falling in love”.
And, I’m not young anymore!
Best wishes.
🌻
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❤️❤️ Do you know Nora Mcinnerny’s work? She got married a couple weeks ago. Thanks for the great post. ❤️
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I am not going to wade through the comments. I am certain the majority are complimentary, as they should be. I can not fathom your pain. My desultory experience is of a jilted spouse whom I adored, which kneels ineffectively towards your loss. I do have the existential, unfortunate history of my father attempting to murder my mother. She was a tough German and he failed, miserably, to our joy and lament.
The internet brought us Orange Julius Caesar, a “reality” show grifter whom bankrupted several facilities adorned with his name where people willingly hand you their money with a 3 to 7 percent chance they may make a return. Of course, the odds of winning the lottery are essentially mathematically the same whether you buy a ticket or not.
Did my rant have a purpose? Yes. I am sorry for your pain. I am tangentially your brother. Patton Oswald is very funny and deserves happiness for all the happiness he projects. You are beautiful from the inside out. Thank you for the forum to release my pain.
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Thank you. I am ‘the other women’. My boyfriend lost the mother of his children a year and a half ago. When we met last year I kept saying it’s too soon. But I quickly learned that he can love us both. He can be with me and still grieve her. We decided not to listen to those who weren’t supportive and have now started the process of bringing our children together as we plan a future together. So again thank you!
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So I don’t have a spouce, but did have a fiancee die very suddenly (which I know is not quite the same) so I have felt a bit of what a widow might and even I am a bit shocked at the speed at which Mr. Oswalt has moved on. Forget the fact that he’s a widower at all, that was a quick engagement for anyone! I know everyone is different, but even if they met the day his wife passed, that is fast. I was torn apart when my fiancee died with no warning and it took me a LONG time to even think about dating again let alone get to that point, and I didn’t suffer the tremendous loss of a 16 year marriage with a child at play. I think the surprised reaction of most of us isn’t misplaced or unkind and I think your assertion of calling people an “asshole” and guilt tripping people who are fortunate enough to be married all while riding the “my husband is dead” holier than thou horse is worse then someone thinking that as a man who it seemed like deeply loved his wife, Mr. Oswalt has moved on rather fast.
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Sorry, call me judgmental if you want, but to me it just shows that you probably didn’t love your prior spouse if you’re so quick to be with someone else.
I’m not saying that makes you a bad person, but from my personal perspective, if anything happened to my wife, I’m not sure I would even want to be with someone else ever, let alone within a year or two.
So yeah, maybe I’m being judgmental, but seems to me if you’re so eager to replace your dead spouse, then it just shows that they didn’t really mean that much to you.
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I lost my husband to cancer at the age of 37. He was 37, I was 36. We were together for 19 years.
To say what you said about the spouse not meaning much if you move on quickly is absurd. People grieve differently. Personally, my grieving process began the day my husband was diagnosed, April 24, 2013. He passed away January 29, 2015. I grieved through every down, I rejoiced every up, the entire time. I never left his side. We went to specialist in 2 other states and he endured chemo the entire time. My husband was my whole world. Being there for him during that time was such a blessing and he gave me a purpose. My husband was the role model of what a husband should be. He was and still is the best man I have ever known and I miss him every single day.
That being said, I began seeing a guy that my husband and I were aquaintances with, in May of 2015. And No, I had never had thoughts about being with him prior to running into him and spending time with him. A few people were happy for me, most were not. Before I was a widow, I was a wife. I was used to having a sidekick, a constant cheerleader, a partner in crime. Someone to talk to at night when it was quiet and the kids were in bed. Someone to vent to about my long stressful days as a hospice nurse, someone to talk to me about their day. After I became a widow…nothing, absolutely nothing. I never realized how loud silence really is.
I, like you, thought that I would never love again. God had different plans for me. He provided in my life a man who understands my daily struggle with grief for a man that is not him. He tells my kids stories of interactions he had with their Daddy, he helps me keep his spirit alive.
I guess what I am trying to say is walk a mile in a widow’s shoes before you say what you will or will not do. The path itself is not easy and being judged by others, who are ignorant to what is in your head and in your heart, for actions of self preservation and just being human and wanting companionship does not make it any easier.
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Yes, your being judgmental.
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Ah, so you know exactly what you would theoretically do if you were faced with the theoretical loss of your spouse. So without the basis of any personal knowledge you believe that your theoretical response is worthy of being placed as a bar to judge other people against, people who have actually experienced the loss of a spouse or loved one. As you said you’re the one being judgmental, but it is interesting that the bar with which you judge is a theoretical response with no experience and true knowledge and somehow you still think it is a better and more appropriate response then those hundreds of people who are actual widows and widowers have shared just on this blog post alone. What an interesting Theory.
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Yeah, judgemental, and I have a few other choice words to call you. I lost my wife to cancer 8 months ago, and my life has felt like I am caught in the surf at the edge of the beach on a stormy day ever since. I have no joy, my future has been ripped from me, the center of my universe is gone. How has your year been? I don’t think I’m ready yet, but if somehow I saw a liferaft in all this maelstrom, should I not take it? Should I write you and ask your blessing before I know it’s OK to try to be happy again, or even just part way normal? Trust me, you can not even conceive how you would feel if, God forbid, this horror happened to you. Eager to replace? It’s not replacing anyone, that is impossible. These people you are judging loved their spouses as much as you love yours, and some of them possibly much more, believe that. They have a right to live their lives. Loving again does not signal an end to their grief, or an end to their love for their lost ones. It merely shows their capacity to love, full stop.
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Erica: My wife of 22 years died in February, 2016. I was numb for a year, and did my best to hide away from the rest of the world. I was convinced that I would never love again, and despite my acute loneliness, I had little desire for companionship. Earlier this year, I met a woman who was a “friend of a friend”. We went out for coffee, which led to many more coffee dates. Before I knew it, and quite unexpectedly, I (we) had fallen in love. I made it clear to her that I would always love my wife, and she replied “that’s as it should be”. It’s taken me awhile to realize that I have been blessed to find “the love of my life” twice. Who knew that was possible?
Anyway, thank you for your strong rebuttal to the ignorant jackasses who have no understanding of the hell a person goes through when the lose their partner. If someone had told me early on that I would fall in love “only” one year after my wife died, I would not have believed it. But it happened so naturally, albeit unexpectedly, that it could not be denied. If there are people out there who believe I am being disrespectful to my wife, my reply to them is an honest and sincere : “f*ck you”.
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I’m getting chills reading this. You sound like me, just a year further in. Could my future hold a recovery like yours? Might I start feeling like having companionship again? This is the most hope I have felt in the 8 months since the love of my life passed. Thank you.
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Nick, you will be pleasantly surprised when you meet someone whose heart speaks to yours. Happened to me. Remember your love , and be open to another. It is never a replacement, just another blessing. I met my wife 2 months after my wife died suddenly. Weirdest thing, but we just celebrated out 11th anniversary. My daughters were glad I found someone to make me happy. We are loving creatures. Be open to love again.
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As a Widower myself, I dated a bit after a year and found I was still not ready to give anyone any part of me… it’s been 3 years now and if love comes a knockin it would be nice… but it certainly is to each their own… Your article is very well written.
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This is terrible. Because they were lucky their loved ones are still alive, they don’t know the pain and struggles of losing someone so dear to them and the hope a second chance brings to them. Mourning is personal and its no one’s place to decide how and till when should you be sad but yours and just because we have opened our hearts to other people does not mean we aren’t still mourning, it goes on forever in different ways. Judgemental pricks.
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Salute!!!!!!
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Thank you, for putting it so beautifully. I also was a widow. Married for 9 years, 3 months and a few days. My first husband died in a car accident, so no warning. I was the mother of 3 small boys and I had to tell them that their father wasn’t coming home. My dreams died that day, and it felt like I couldn’t breathe for months. But I started breathing again and dreaming again. I met my second husband and two months after meeting him, we were married. Many thought it was too fast, but I’ve been married now for over 20 years. God has blessed me with two wonderful husbands and 5 children.
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I saw somewhere someone saying something along the lines of, if you don’t wait long enough, you must not have loved your spouse enough. This cannot even come close to be further from the truth. Before knowing first hand what it’s like I imagined being like mad max or something, wondering out into the wasteland becoming the silent loner type, unrepairable. This is seriously true ignorance at its finest. One week after the love of my life, first, last, and best reason for living suddenly died, I was looking for a home anywhere. I was the most insanely horny I had ever been in my life. It was actually surreal. And this is why. You become such a painful wounded animal thrown to the street, you look for a home anywhere. Grief is a brutal terrifying beast that kills your insides and your soul. I remember reading books and seeing movies where the grieving widow or widower was laying with anyone, one book had the pregnant widow having sex with her deceased husband’s brother in the bathroom at the wake. I thought to myself, that is the most sick, disgusting thing I have ever read in my life and why was that in this book? For shock value? Then I actually tragically become a widower myself, and it made perfect sense. The pain is that real. To this day I would rather have my arms and legs cut off, deal with years of prison, if only I could have my wife back. The first month of her passing I begged anyone to just go out with me. A date to a movie or dinner, and no one would come near me with a ten foot pole. I just didn’t want to be alone. I knew I had to face that she was gone, and your brain literally breaks. It can’t function. All logic and normalcy went out the window. It is exactly like being a dog that had its back legs run over, shot at by the neighbors, and now I’m on your doorstep whimpering to let me in and do something, care for me, kill me, take me to the doctor, anything, just don’t leave me out alone to bleed to death and be tortured.
It turned out that the only one there for me was an old girlfriend who was also a widow that lost her husband in Iraq. My parents were worthless, my friends abandoned me. Everyone had their judgement and ideas of how it was supposed to be. You really see everyone’s true colors when you have to grieve over losing your one true companion, your other half. People tell you to wait cause you’re not ready, while in the very same breath, tell you to get over it and move on, you have responsibilitys. People are ignorant, inexperienced dullards, with no concept of life, what it really means, and will go way out of their way to have boring worthless conversations, be vain and vapid, anything to ignore the truth, we all die someday, so how do I truly live? This very well may explain some differences between men and women, and also, if it was a sudden death, vs a long drawn out one with cancer and such. Age. Time spent. Etc etc. it’s all so different, to judge is the absolute most worst thing a person can do in life.
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I became a widow at 28. As early on as the day of the funeral people reminded me that it will be ok to move on. Knowing though how people will react if or when I did made me deny my own feelings when I started getting close to someone else. It was a constant internal battle of how could I still love my husband and love someone else. You know what though, life is tough enough without people judging you and you judging yourself. It took me a really long time to let go of the timeframe the outside world placed on my life and not feel guilty about loving again. It’s now almost 10 years since my husband passed. I love him and miss him but at the same time my love for my fiance grows day by day. The ability to love while still being in tremendous amount of pain is a miracle of the heart.
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Ms. Roman,
I wish only the best for you as well as Mr. Oswalt. (Full stop!)
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Erica, thank you. After 33 years of marriage my wife passed away 10 months ago after 3.5 years of fighting breast cancer. I have begun dating recently and feel no shame in doing so. My heart is open again after a horrible 9 months, you are correct, no one can judge nor know what it is until you have experienced it. Anthony
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Dear Mrs. Roman,
My life was forever changed on October 31, 2015 when my husband of 6 years and the love of my life died unexpectedly of an undetected heart condition, leaving me–but with no children as I am older than you. I do understand your pain, and I am so very sorry. I hope that you have been able to find comfort in family and friends, and in your beautiful children. I do hope you are able to have that blessing of finding love again. I don’t know that I will. Thank you for your words
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Beautiful. Thank you.
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You really need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself! Everyone has tough times. I’ve lost my mom, and so many other people I love, and I just turned 40. Just saying, life will always have rough spots. Just when you get going, something bad pops up. You need to take care of your kids, and stop being so sad. They will see it.
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You are the reason people want to stay single. The painful part is knowing you lost someone truly special, and somehow mouth breathers like you still live on.
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Thanks Brooklyn, I’m cured! Just one question though. How, exactly, do I stop being sad? I can’t find the switch. Maybe mine is broken, is yours working?
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Absolutely – this logic is so simple and so effective. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that you were raped. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that you had a leg and 1/3 of your ribs blown off stepping on an IED. Stop feeling sorry for yourself for that miscarriage. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just get over it already. Staggering that you could have read through all of these posted comments and realized how patently dumb your advice is – and you chose not to. Everyone is entitled to their opinions obviously – but that doesn’t make your opinion any less idiotic. Buck up butter cup, your tough times have certainly not even started yet…. enjoy the ride and the karma when they do.
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So many people feel like it’s okay to pass judgement on others for what they believe and how they manage their own lives. Each of us live only one life and it’s ours. No one can “walk a mile in our shoes” even if they try. What I experienced from Jack’s diagnosis with metastatic lung cancer until his death caused me to reflect on the goodness in him, in other people, and in life in general. I work hard to bring good will to others, to help people smile, and to leave the kind of legacy my late husband left – one where people think good thoughts when they think of him. It’s an honor to him and to our 35-year relationship that I am able to keep living and to keep loving.
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It’s a relief to find sonemoe who can explain things so well
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924 days from the time my wife was killed by a drunk driver (she was 7mos pregnant with our 1st little girl) until I married again. This article is for those who are a part of a club nobody wants to be in. If you’re not in the club you have no voice. Just thank God you’re not in the club and keep your mouth shut.
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Yep, the world’s shittiest club. Membership fee: your heart and soul. Member benefits: your life now sucks. Spectators not really welcome.
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Love that… members in a club we didn’t want to join, at a cost we never agreed to paid. With the worst part being entry requires the one we adore to pay a harder price than us.
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Thank you. My husband died suddenly 9 months ago, Patton and his fiancee give me hope that maybe, just maybe there can be love again.
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nicely written….but..what if the person this widower is now with is downright horrible and is using the widow for things such as money and you see no love between the two?
what if it is only 1 MONTH after the death of the spouse that they hooked up with someone and then married that person only 2 yrs later?
what if everyone and i mean everyone tells the widow the relationship is wrong and can see the new person for whom they truly are?
im sorry but i believe if the person is so grief stricken (as they should be) that the new person was aware of this and swooped in on them when they are the most vunerable and took advantage because lets face it its not such a wonderful place out there.
look at the other side. the people who also loved the spouse who past(family & friends) and they all see this as a disaster waiting to happen after the new person succeeds in raping the widow for everything they’ve earned in their life, then what? say i told you so?
i feel alittle hurt now goes a long way later and by little hurt i mean the convincing the widow this person is not the answer to their grief, but that love and support from family and true friends, along with serious grief counseling, will serve them a whole lot better in the long run.
im sure your happy now, it sounds like it and i do pray your life is as wonderful as you deserve it to be, but every situation is different, and you cannot say its ok for everyone to do this.
wont the hurt be even greater when the new person rips the widows heart out a stomps it on the ground then tosses it back and now all the grief from the the loved one who past resurfaces and now on top of that you have to also mourn this new relationship that didnt work out?
i say deal with the pain and grief now. dating i think is fine but to marry and commit to someone after only a year or 2 is not the answer to replace the pain with someone that is going to hurt them in a similar way.
if the new person is taking the pain away as ive heard it reffered to, what do you do when the new person who is now in total control of your feelings, causes more pain on top of that old grieving that you never had a chance to do.
grieving is part of life. unless the two soul mates die at the same time every person married and in love will eventually feel this.
i just say that deal with it now. im not saying to never love again, but to hook up so dam quickly and then change every little thing in your life (tossing out all the memories,furniture,clothes, everything throwing it all in the garbage like it never even happened) is not healthy and will lead to much much MUCH more pain in the end.
its hard when you watch your loved one do this, change themselves to please this new person,and when you SEE the new person hurting the widow already by being mean,hurtful fighting constantly, well what would you recommend their loved ones do about it?
let them go through more?
weve sat in silence through it. even though its going to tear them up, so now what?
we see the fighting, see the cheating the new person is already doing, the using, and want to talk about pain?
to sit back and stay silent is very painful. dont forget the spouse is not the only one who suffered the loss.
if i saw love in the widows eyes instead of confusion and fear i would whole heartly support the new union.
but when you dont see not one shread of love from either party, how do you handle it?
just tell me that?
when you suffer loss you HAVE to grieve. this widow did not.
believe it or not we do not live in a perfect world where everyone is kind, some people actually scope out widows,especially rich one, and could care less about anything other then themselves,and that is whats happening in my situation.
im sad to say that your comment has now become this widows reassurance that theyve done the right thing and that is not so.
im happy your situation seems to be stable and loving, although i dont know you. but the situation here is much different and the widow here is in for even more heartache.
when everyone knows this and your powerless to do something, sitting back watching is heartwrenching and creates so much more pain and misery.
just would like acknowledgement that its not always like this,thats all.
good luck to you.
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Tina, I’m going to assume you are earnest, and not like some of the dimwits that have hurled insults at widows and widowers. Are you a widow? Can you fathom how a widow/er feels? Do you think I can know how a pregnant woman actually feels or how she experiences childbirth? Sure, I can see how she acts, but can I know how she feels? So until you join the club that no one wants to be a member of, do not try to give us your well meaning advice.
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Tina, I can see your confusion and frustration. However, you seem to have a rather formulaic notion of what grief should be, or should look like, from the outside. Remember we are all so very different. Your friend may have grieved in ways you couldn’t see, and may be grieving right before your eyes, but you don’t see it and claim she isn’t. You may know your friend extremely well, but you’re not in her head and you’re not living with her heavy heart. Friends of mine who have known me for 35 years think I’m fine right now, but I’m not, I still grieve. As for feeling powerless to change her mind, I certainly hope you don’t have the power to decide for you friend who to choose, or when to choose him. Whether he is the dirtbag you think, or a prince of princes, he must be her choice, not yours. And you definitely should not have the power to define her grief for her.
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i am a widow. i lost my wife suddenly ( car accident) and i do know to some degree how it feels.
so guess you can say im in the club.
and im not saying i know how she feels/grieves, but when you are seeing things shes not seeing, and i feel thats due to the grief,the confusion,the mourning, etc. its very very difficult to stand idly by and watch her set herself up for more pain.
ive been sitting back and saying nothing. i dont congratulate, i am just there for her. although i think she knows how i feel since im not usually like this,
but like you and others say, i will never know how she feels exactly, her reasons for this union shes in.
but i too mourned his death,along with many others. i grieve too, and fyi this was a family member of mine that past,
yes not my spouse but a close person to me.
so as unfair as you say it is for me to assume to know how shes grieving,well its also unfair for her to assume to know how i am grieving, we are all different.
the point i was trying to make since this has now given him many thankyou points in the relationship because of this particular blog, its not all sweet n fairy tale ending bullshit out there.
there are bad people in the world, and unfortunatly he is one of them,completely,weve all seen it,witnessed a form of it etc.and the only blind one to the whole mess is her.
im staying away now, im keeping quiet as usual,but it just irked me that this blog was used to gain advantage in an already bad situation,used to pump up their evil plan,and unfortunatly its working.
the( see someone knows just how i feel/felt) has been said over and over,so guess to sum it up the scumbag has come to sainthood status, and im about finished.
all i can do is pray that he dosent take everything from her,alots gone now as we speak,and one day she will awaken from this stupor and realize it was a mistake made in the not sane at the moment mind.
hopefully others here that do find true love after the loss will prevail and be happily ever after,
wish i could say the same for her.
thanks for the platform,and if your reading this im sorry but its been too long ive stayed silent just want you to know we love you and pray for your calm peaceful heart.
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Tina, thanks for reposting. The pain you are feeling comes out palpably in your writing, and I’m sorry for your loss. I meant to help, but I really didn’t know enough about the situation to say much (schooled). As a widower, I appreciate your cautionary tale, I really do. I doubt I would me much of a target for anybody, but still, widows/widowers can be very vulnerable, so proceed with caution.
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Thank you so much for this article. It is so near and dear to my heart. I lost my husband 2.5 years ago of an undetected heart condition and was left with our three young kids. I have just gotten engaged to an amazing man, also a widower… and have faced some very harsh judgements from people. Who is anyone to judge us, and the decisions we make? I find the worst judgements are from as you say, people sitting home with their spouses that are living and breathing beside them. This topic makes me so heated and you have put the thoughts in my head into perfect words. For that, I say thank you ❤
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I love the articale and have read it more than a few times. The question is what do we do next?
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Thank you, I lost my wife 363 days ago, I am very much like you in that I do not follow the lives of celebraties but I did see that Patten had gotten engaged. I too was happy for him. I too was discusted with the judgemental comments. How is it any of those people business, how could any of those people have any idea what he has gone through or is still going through. I have had some of the same issues even with my friends. I have not found anyone and I am not actively looking but I am not ruling it out. Your thoughts on expanding your heart is spot on, I will never forget my wife Lu and never want to. Thank You.
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It’s amazing how “morality” is no longer a part of the shared values of a community of people who meet one another face-to-face(ideally) but something enforced by anonymous trolls typing in little boxes after watching TMZ or exhausting a thread on Reddit.
So literally any a**hole can give you his/her bitter, twisted opinion of how you *should* be living your life. If they really want to prove their point, they’ll cut and paste some old Testament verse in there, even though you happen to be Buddhist.
Hell can’t be any worse than the “comments” section of any website.
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Having read most, if not all, comments, Buddhist or not, I am curious as to which Old Testament quote you are referring to.
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I wa speaking generically all comments sections(nothing in this one) and the rageification and fracturing of American culture, but Deuteronomy and Leviticus usually come up when they’re talking to me.
I adore the Psalms, by the way, Buddhist and Trans or not.
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There’s always Levirate marriage in the Old Testament to kick back at anyone suggesting that remarrying is somehow immoral. Then there’s the story of Ruth and Boaz.
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My husband passed away very very unexpectedly on Friday. He and I had just talked about this.
He told me that if he passed, to move on. That he knew it would hurt but to find someone who would love and protect me fiercely. We talked and he was joking, but he said if I found someone to take to his memorial to bring them. He just wanted me safe.
To love again is breve. My friend stated that it was the mark of ‘true love’, wanting the other to move on and remember – to love deeply and know that it was okay.
And while I am far from okay right now, I smile knowing he loved me that much.
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My husband passed away very very unexpectedly on Friday. He and I had just talked about this. We talked so we could. .
He told me that if he passed, to move on. That he knew it would hurt but to find someone who would love and protect me fiercely. We talked and he was joking, but he said if I found someone to take to his memorial to bring them. He just wanted me safe.
To love again is breve. My friend stated that it was the mark of ‘true love’, wanting the other to move on and remember – to love deeply and know that it was okay.
And while I am far from okay right now, I smile knowing he loved me that much.
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Powerful Blog. So sorry on the passing of your husband. I also tragically and suddenly lost my husband in a helicopter crash in April 2014. Strength and love to you. xxx
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I am another widower who was angry at my God, and was a total mess. The other part of this horrific situation was that I was also a father of two young daughters. I raged. I cried. I leaned on my friend and brother, then he died two months after my wife. At his memorial I met a woman. I was not looking for anyone. I was still kinda pissed at God. This woman though…her smile did something to my heart. Her voice soothed me. I was conflicted. I was married to my best friend and a drunk driver killed her. I should not be noticing another woman…should I?
Point is we do not plan when we fall in love. I loved the mother of my children with a passion and fire born of long friendship and hard work making a life. Then she was gone. Then this other woman stated after meeting my girls hat she considered this relationship a relay, and that she felt she had to help get them to adulthood. Yes, I do miss my first wife, but I have been blessed with another amazing woman. We just celebrated our 11th anniversary, and she makes sure we honor my first wife on her her birthday anniversary of her death. Our children love her unconditionally. Everyone is different, but unless you have been here and buried a piece of your heart, you will never understand, and I do not need your approval. Go Patton. Go Erica. Live to love or leave me alone. I am not you. You are not me.
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No one will ever know how someone who has lost their loved one feels, or deals with their situation and grieves, until it happens to them. My mother died 3 years ago and my father very quickly started seeing other women, not necessarily intimately, but it seemed to us (his daughters) too soon and a bit inconsiderate of our feelings. I learnt that a lot of men in particular who lose a partner will move on to other relationships quicker than female widowers and I understand that my dad was completely taken aback by being alone after so long. It wasn’t so much intimacy he wanted, but he didn’t want to be alone, he wanted companionship. He is clear he isn’t expecting to replace my mother, but after 30+ years of marriage, imagine how you would cope with being alone!
In this instance, Patton is in another relationship and is engaged. Grief is a complex thing and he is probably just grateful that he can love again. I’m sure at one point after his wife’s death he thought there would be no possibility of it.
The nerve of people to say they think it’s too soon, or icky, or disrespectful, when they have no idea is incredible.
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