Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
Erica, thank you. After 33 years of marriage my wife passed away 10 months ago after 3.5 years of fighting breast cancer. I have begun dating recently and feel no shame in doing so. My heart is open again after a horrible 9 months, you are correct, no one can judge nor know what it is until you have experienced it. Anthony
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Dear Mrs. Roman,
My life was forever changed on October 31, 2015 when my husband of 6 years and the love of my life died unexpectedly of an undetected heart condition, leaving me–but with no children as I am older than you. I do understand your pain, and I am so very sorry. I hope that you have been able to find comfort in family and friends, and in your beautiful children. I do hope you are able to have that blessing of finding love again. I don’t know that I will. Thank you for your words
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Beautiful. Thank you.
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You really need to stop feeling so sorry for yourself! Everyone has tough times. I’ve lost my mom, and so many other people I love, and I just turned 40. Just saying, life will always have rough spots. Just when you get going, something bad pops up. You need to take care of your kids, and stop being so sad. They will see it.
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You are the reason people want to stay single. The painful part is knowing you lost someone truly special, and somehow mouth breathers like you still live on.
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Thanks Brooklyn, I’m cured! Just one question though. How, exactly, do I stop being sad? I can’t find the switch. Maybe mine is broken, is yours working?
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Absolutely – this logic is so simple and so effective. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that you were raped. Stop feeling sorry for yourself that you had a leg and 1/3 of your ribs blown off stepping on an IED. Stop feeling sorry for yourself for that miscarriage. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just get over it already. Staggering that you could have read through all of these posted comments and realized how patently dumb your advice is – and you chose not to. Everyone is entitled to their opinions obviously – but that doesn’t make your opinion any less idiotic. Buck up butter cup, your tough times have certainly not even started yet…. enjoy the ride and the karma when they do.
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So many people feel like it’s okay to pass judgement on others for what they believe and how they manage their own lives. Each of us live only one life and it’s ours. No one can “walk a mile in our shoes” even if they try. What I experienced from Jack’s diagnosis with metastatic lung cancer until his death caused me to reflect on the goodness in him, in other people, and in life in general. I work hard to bring good will to others, to help people smile, and to leave the kind of legacy my late husband left – one where people think good thoughts when they think of him. It’s an honor to him and to our 35-year relationship that I am able to keep living and to keep loving.
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It’s a relief to find sonemoe who can explain things so well
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924 days from the time my wife was killed by a drunk driver (she was 7mos pregnant with our 1st little girl) until I married again. This article is for those who are a part of a club nobody wants to be in. If you’re not in the club you have no voice. Just thank God you’re not in the club and keep your mouth shut.
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Yep, the world’s shittiest club. Membership fee: your heart and soul. Member benefits: your life now sucks. Spectators not really welcome.
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Love that… members in a club we didn’t want to join, at a cost we never agreed to paid. With the worst part being entry requires the one we adore to pay a harder price than us.
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Thank you. My husband died suddenly 9 months ago, Patton and his fiancee give me hope that maybe, just maybe there can be love again.
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nicely written….but..what if the person this widower is now with is downright horrible and is using the widow for things such as money and you see no love between the two?
what if it is only 1 MONTH after the death of the spouse that they hooked up with someone and then married that person only 2 yrs later?
what if everyone and i mean everyone tells the widow the relationship is wrong and can see the new person for whom they truly are?
im sorry but i believe if the person is so grief stricken (as they should be) that the new person was aware of this and swooped in on them when they are the most vunerable and took advantage because lets face it its not such a wonderful place out there.
look at the other side. the people who also loved the spouse who past(family & friends) and they all see this as a disaster waiting to happen after the new person succeeds in raping the widow for everything they’ve earned in their life, then what? say i told you so?
i feel alittle hurt now goes a long way later and by little hurt i mean the convincing the widow this person is not the answer to their grief, but that love and support from family and true friends, along with serious grief counseling, will serve them a whole lot better in the long run.
im sure your happy now, it sounds like it and i do pray your life is as wonderful as you deserve it to be, but every situation is different, and you cannot say its ok for everyone to do this.
wont the hurt be even greater when the new person rips the widows heart out a stomps it on the ground then tosses it back and now all the grief from the the loved one who past resurfaces and now on top of that you have to also mourn this new relationship that didnt work out?
i say deal with the pain and grief now. dating i think is fine but to marry and commit to someone after only a year or 2 is not the answer to replace the pain with someone that is going to hurt them in a similar way.
if the new person is taking the pain away as ive heard it reffered to, what do you do when the new person who is now in total control of your feelings, causes more pain on top of that old grieving that you never had a chance to do.
grieving is part of life. unless the two soul mates die at the same time every person married and in love will eventually feel this.
i just say that deal with it now. im not saying to never love again, but to hook up so dam quickly and then change every little thing in your life (tossing out all the memories,furniture,clothes, everything throwing it all in the garbage like it never even happened) is not healthy and will lead to much much MUCH more pain in the end.
its hard when you watch your loved one do this, change themselves to please this new person,and when you SEE the new person hurting the widow already by being mean,hurtful fighting constantly, well what would you recommend their loved ones do about it?
let them go through more?
weve sat in silence through it. even though its going to tear them up, so now what?
we see the fighting, see the cheating the new person is already doing, the using, and want to talk about pain?
to sit back and stay silent is very painful. dont forget the spouse is not the only one who suffered the loss.
if i saw love in the widows eyes instead of confusion and fear i would whole heartly support the new union.
but when you dont see not one shread of love from either party, how do you handle it?
just tell me that?
when you suffer loss you HAVE to grieve. this widow did not.
believe it or not we do not live in a perfect world where everyone is kind, some people actually scope out widows,especially rich one, and could care less about anything other then themselves,and that is whats happening in my situation.
im sad to say that your comment has now become this widows reassurance that theyve done the right thing and that is not so.
im happy your situation seems to be stable and loving, although i dont know you. but the situation here is much different and the widow here is in for even more heartache.
when everyone knows this and your powerless to do something, sitting back watching is heartwrenching and creates so much more pain and misery.
just would like acknowledgement that its not always like this,thats all.
good luck to you.
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Tina, I’m going to assume you are earnest, and not like some of the dimwits that have hurled insults at widows and widowers. Are you a widow? Can you fathom how a widow/er feels? Do you think I can know how a pregnant woman actually feels or how she experiences childbirth? Sure, I can see how she acts, but can I know how she feels? So until you join the club that no one wants to be a member of, do not try to give us your well meaning advice.
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Tina, I can see your confusion and frustration. However, you seem to have a rather formulaic notion of what grief should be, or should look like, from the outside. Remember we are all so very different. Your friend may have grieved in ways you couldn’t see, and may be grieving right before your eyes, but you don’t see it and claim she isn’t. You may know your friend extremely well, but you’re not in her head and you’re not living with her heavy heart. Friends of mine who have known me for 35 years think I’m fine right now, but I’m not, I still grieve. As for feeling powerless to change her mind, I certainly hope you don’t have the power to decide for you friend who to choose, or when to choose him. Whether he is the dirtbag you think, or a prince of princes, he must be her choice, not yours. And you definitely should not have the power to define her grief for her.
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i am a widow. i lost my wife suddenly ( car accident) and i do know to some degree how it feels.
so guess you can say im in the club.
and im not saying i know how she feels/grieves, but when you are seeing things shes not seeing, and i feel thats due to the grief,the confusion,the mourning, etc. its very very difficult to stand idly by and watch her set herself up for more pain.
ive been sitting back and saying nothing. i dont congratulate, i am just there for her. although i think she knows how i feel since im not usually like this,
but like you and others say, i will never know how she feels exactly, her reasons for this union shes in.
but i too mourned his death,along with many others. i grieve too, and fyi this was a family member of mine that past,
yes not my spouse but a close person to me.
so as unfair as you say it is for me to assume to know how shes grieving,well its also unfair for her to assume to know how i am grieving, we are all different.
the point i was trying to make since this has now given him many thankyou points in the relationship because of this particular blog, its not all sweet n fairy tale ending bullshit out there.
there are bad people in the world, and unfortunatly he is one of them,completely,weve all seen it,witnessed a form of it etc.and the only blind one to the whole mess is her.
im staying away now, im keeping quiet as usual,but it just irked me that this blog was used to gain advantage in an already bad situation,used to pump up their evil plan,and unfortunatly its working.
the( see someone knows just how i feel/felt) has been said over and over,so guess to sum it up the scumbag has come to sainthood status, and im about finished.
all i can do is pray that he dosent take everything from her,alots gone now as we speak,and one day she will awaken from this stupor and realize it was a mistake made in the not sane at the moment mind.
hopefully others here that do find true love after the loss will prevail and be happily ever after,
wish i could say the same for her.
thanks for the platform,and if your reading this im sorry but its been too long ive stayed silent just want you to know we love you and pray for your calm peaceful heart.
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Tina, thanks for reposting. The pain you are feeling comes out palpably in your writing, and I’m sorry for your loss. I meant to help, but I really didn’t know enough about the situation to say much (schooled). As a widower, I appreciate your cautionary tale, I really do. I doubt I would me much of a target for anybody, but still, widows/widowers can be very vulnerable, so proceed with caution.
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Thank you so much for this article. It is so near and dear to my heart. I lost my husband 2.5 years ago of an undetected heart condition and was left with our three young kids. I have just gotten engaged to an amazing man, also a widower… and have faced some very harsh judgements from people. Who is anyone to judge us, and the decisions we make? I find the worst judgements are from as you say, people sitting home with their spouses that are living and breathing beside them. This topic makes me so heated and you have put the thoughts in my head into perfect words. For that, I say thank you ❤
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I love the articale and have read it more than a few times. The question is what do we do next?
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Thank you, I lost my wife 363 days ago, I am very much like you in that I do not follow the lives of celebraties but I did see that Patten had gotten engaged. I too was happy for him. I too was discusted with the judgemental comments. How is it any of those people business, how could any of those people have any idea what he has gone through or is still going through. I have had some of the same issues even with my friends. I have not found anyone and I am not actively looking but I am not ruling it out. Your thoughts on expanding your heart is spot on, I will never forget my wife Lu and never want to. Thank You.
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It’s amazing how “morality” is no longer a part of the shared values of a community of people who meet one another face-to-face(ideally) but something enforced by anonymous trolls typing in little boxes after watching TMZ or exhausting a thread on Reddit.
So literally any a**hole can give you his/her bitter, twisted opinion of how you *should* be living your life. If they really want to prove their point, they’ll cut and paste some old Testament verse in there, even though you happen to be Buddhist.
Hell can’t be any worse than the “comments” section of any website.
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Having read most, if not all, comments, Buddhist or not, I am curious as to which Old Testament quote you are referring to.
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I wa speaking generically all comments sections(nothing in this one) and the rageification and fracturing of American culture, but Deuteronomy and Leviticus usually come up when they’re talking to me.
I adore the Psalms, by the way, Buddhist and Trans or not.
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There’s always Levirate marriage in the Old Testament to kick back at anyone suggesting that remarrying is somehow immoral. Then there’s the story of Ruth and Boaz.
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My husband passed away very very unexpectedly on Friday. He and I had just talked about this.
He told me that if he passed, to move on. That he knew it would hurt but to find someone who would love and protect me fiercely. We talked and he was joking, but he said if I found someone to take to his memorial to bring them. He just wanted me safe.
To love again is breve. My friend stated that it was the mark of ‘true love’, wanting the other to move on and remember – to love deeply and know that it was okay.
And while I am far from okay right now, I smile knowing he loved me that much.
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My husband passed away very very unexpectedly on Friday. He and I had just talked about this. We talked so we could. .
He told me that if he passed, to move on. That he knew it would hurt but to find someone who would love and protect me fiercely. We talked and he was joking, but he said if I found someone to take to his memorial to bring them. He just wanted me safe.
To love again is breve. My friend stated that it was the mark of ‘true love’, wanting the other to move on and remember – to love deeply and know that it was okay.
And while I am far from okay right now, I smile knowing he loved me that much.
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Powerful Blog. So sorry on the passing of your husband. I also tragically and suddenly lost my husband in a helicopter crash in April 2014. Strength and love to you. xxx
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I am another widower who was angry at my God, and was a total mess. The other part of this horrific situation was that I was also a father of two young daughters. I raged. I cried. I leaned on my friend and brother, then he died two months after my wife. At his memorial I met a woman. I was not looking for anyone. I was still kinda pissed at God. This woman though…her smile did something to my heart. Her voice soothed me. I was conflicted. I was married to my best friend and a drunk driver killed her. I should not be noticing another woman…should I?
Point is we do not plan when we fall in love. I loved the mother of my children with a passion and fire born of long friendship and hard work making a life. Then she was gone. Then this other woman stated after meeting my girls hat she considered this relationship a relay, and that she felt she had to help get them to adulthood. Yes, I do miss my first wife, but I have been blessed with another amazing woman. We just celebrated our 11th anniversary, and she makes sure we honor my first wife on her her birthday anniversary of her death. Our children love her unconditionally. Everyone is different, but unless you have been here and buried a piece of your heart, you will never understand, and I do not need your approval. Go Patton. Go Erica. Live to love or leave me alone. I am not you. You are not me.
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No one will ever know how someone who has lost their loved one feels, or deals with their situation and grieves, until it happens to them. My mother died 3 years ago and my father very quickly started seeing other women, not necessarily intimately, but it seemed to us (his daughters) too soon and a bit inconsiderate of our feelings. I learnt that a lot of men in particular who lose a partner will move on to other relationships quicker than female widowers and I understand that my dad was completely taken aback by being alone after so long. It wasn’t so much intimacy he wanted, but he didn’t want to be alone, he wanted companionship. He is clear he isn’t expecting to replace my mother, but after 30+ years of marriage, imagine how you would cope with being alone!
In this instance, Patton is in another relationship and is engaged. Grief is a complex thing and he is probably just grateful that he can love again. I’m sure at one point after his wife’s death he thought there would be no possibility of it.
The nerve of people to say they think it’s too soon, or icky, or disrespectful, when they have no idea is incredible.
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I feel like I should write a lot more but really I just wanted to say that what you said is so accurate and beautiful. Well done for summing it up so well.
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I. LOVE.THIS. agree with every bit, well done!
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Thank you for this. I’m on day 114. I can’t, at this point, imagine ever being with another man. I miss my husband so very much. However, I also miss my old self, my married self. No one can ever take the place of my husband. I could never love any other man in the same way. I will never be loved again as he loved me. But I hope some day I will not be alone, and will love and be loved in a different way, and not be judged for it.
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I am a widow. I lost my wife to cancer after a 4-year battle. We were both 46 and were married 23 years and have two children. For a year I was in incredible pain as she was everything to me. I prayed and prayed for God to heal my heart. For a year I could not even fathom being with another woman, more less on a date, and even then when I did entertain the idea it was so uncomfortable, and just not right. Until one day, by chance I met a like-minded Christian woman, with children like me, whose experience was pain by divorce. We connected right away and hit it off like two peas in a pod, like we knew each other from a long time ago. Then something happened inside – I found Love again, and so did she! It’s been almost 2 years after I lost my first wife, and after a 10 month courtship, we are engaged to be married. We have so much in common, and have done everything together, it’s like making up for lost time, it’s strange and unique, like we were meant to be here, God certainly answered our prayers, at least, that’s what WE BELIEVE! There are things that are meant to be, this as much as that, you just need faith and hope. I will never forget my first wife, that life and those memories, and our children will always be special and irreplaceable to me, the pictures remain on the wall, and my newfound love understands that. Many people just do not understand or refuse to accept because they have never been in this position. They are closed minded and walled off living in a bubble. And in their defense so was I until the wall caved in. They will never ever understand until they live it, and although I tried to communicate what I was going through with friends and family, I was never able to fully express myself as well as the author of this article did. Spot-on. Bravo!
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Twice today you have brought tears to my eyes and touched my heart. Much love to you, Joy. I’m a widow and I have to believe that the human heart is bigger than that.
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I saw this link posted on Facebook on July 8th, and added it to my many saved links that I don’t have time to read, but I want to when I can. Today is July 3rd, and by coincidence Facebook reminded me I had saves that were unopened, and for some reason, this was at the top of the list. So I guess I have time, I should read this, I thought.
Well, life is full of irony and coincidence. Today is the second month since the last time I kissed my wife goodnight, on Saturday, June 3rd, 2017, at around 9pm.
On Sunday morning, she never woke up.
I could not read this whole article. Someday I hope I can, but today is not that day. Tomorrow will not be either.
But I will get up and go to work, go through the motions, not because I want to, but because I HAVE to.
And no one really understands what it’s like, at least no one who has not had to face the same hellish reality. And at this point, it truly is hell. Tomorrow night will be the 61st night in a row that I will wake at 130am, reach out to put my arm around her, to hold her hand, and she will not be there. It will be the 61st night that I will get up, still half asleep, and go to the kitchen, because maybe she is having a snack. She always got up around then and needed a snack to get back to sleep, and then I will be shocked back to reality when I realize she isn’t there, and she won’t be again.
And people say they know what I’m going through. Oh I lost my mom, oh my grandpa died, oh this one oh that one, and I just want to scream leave me alone. I have been through those losses, and they don’t get it, it is not the same.
Just wanted you to know your words took me back to that moment, and it is nice to know there are some people who understand. This is not a club I ever wanted to be a member of. But I will go on, because I have to. I’m only 48, I know I’ll meet someone, I may steady have, but right now we are friends, and she understands that much, and she gets why, but she is the only person that has not tried to minimize how I feel. That is what hurts the most, is how these people try to make you feel like a fool for grieving, and the same people make you feel guilty for realizing you just don’t want to be alone either.
Thank you for your words. I will be able to read it all someday. Just not yoday.
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I soooo understand your words… I was there where you are 3 years ago, as I tried to date 8 months after my husband passes away, I still found it difficult to think of trying to give my heart to someone…. The company was certainly nice though. Time has passed and healed and I hope to love again…. As you will feel the same one day… I commented on this month’s ago saying it is to each there own… It is not for anyone to say if it is right or wrong. I wish you peace, joy and happiness for your future.. Hang in there.. It does get easier.. I was back to work the day after, which some people thought was terrible…. But they were not in my head and understanding that sitting at home was worse…. ☮
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I soooo understand your words… I was there where you are 3 years ago, as I tried to date 8 months after my husband passes away, I still found it difficult to think of trying to give my heart to someone…. The company was certainly nice though. Time has passed and healed and I hope to love again…. As you will feel the same one day… I commented on this month’s ago saying it is to each there own… It is not for anyone to say if it is right or wrong. I wish you peace, joy and happiness for your future.. Hang in there.. It does get easier.. I was back to work the day after, which some people thought was terrible…. But they were not in my head and understanding that sitting at home was worse…. ☮
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Scott,
I pray you feel some peace soon. Your post is heart wrenching. When you do read Erica’s post, I think it will help.
Take care and God bless you!
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Scott, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been in your shoes. I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel because we are all different. However, I can say that I went through very similar things while grieving my boyfriend and father to our son and unborn child 20 years ago this month. I really thought I was going crazy and losing my mind when I would find myself driving to his home to see him and half way there realize that he would not be there. It was devastating. I did the exact same thing 7 months later after our second son was born . I got all the way to his used to be home, excited to show him his new son, only to realize the same thing. I can still feel the same pain today I did almost 20 years ago. You never forget that, it just gets easier to make yourself do the daily things that you have to do. You will love again and feel happiness again. Take your time and grieve how you need too. Best wishes to you.
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Your strength and resiliency are remarkable. I was so moved by your words that I knew I had to share this with my father, who lost my mother 9 years ago. He is remarried, but the pain never fades for him. Then I read your brief bio. Your loving husband passed on my birthday. I have no idea why this is so surprising to me, but it is. Maybe it is because of the effect your words have had on my paradigm regarding my father’s engagement only a few months after my mother’s passing. Maybe it just seemed so random. I don’t think it was random though. For me it was a sign to really let these words sink in and allow them to shift my filter on this matter. Thank you from my soul to yours. I pray your journey continues to provide you with strength, love and peace.
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YOU ROCK.
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Erica, I lost my father on April 18, 2002 when I was 14. Though different circumstances, I felt like sharing. Knowing that we can expand even more after these people who have been so important and have touched our hearts throughout time, it takes courage to continue. 💞
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The love of my life just passed a few months ago. Your article made me cry and is so accurate. My neighbor sent this to me because she’s also lost someone in the past and I told her tonight I was dating again and excited about this new woman. I told her I’m worried that others might think this is too soon, but I’m 36 and not getting any younger. I agree that this is something you can’t understand unless you’ve been through it yourself. Your part about the expansion of ones heart is so true. Nobody will ever replace her; I’m just growing a bigger heart to share it with more people. I’m rambling, but the point is: thank you. I hope you find that next great person like Patton. And thank you to awesome friends and family who support everyone who has to go through such and awful experience!
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With all due respect you are wrong. People are allowed to have an opinion. It might be gauche for them to share it openly in direct proximity of those affected and those posts were certainly in poor taste to me, but you do not have the right to tell people what they are and are not allowed to think. This isn’t even about their right to say something, this is about their right to think something. The ability to think is what makes a human a human. This is what separates us from animals.
And to be frank something (“how soon is too soon to start dating again”) that is so trivial in comparison to actual, larger global issues. This isn’t pedophilia or child pornography or human trafficking where there are horrific atrocities being committed and one’s thoughts, words and actions are actually detrimental to a society. This is something that belongs in a Dear Abby column, not a problem that can destroy lives or entire societies. These are opinions and clearly these opinions are not uniform as there seems to be a very wide array of opinions on the subject. For you to tell them they are not allowed to think such things is to thought police others. To thought police others is beyond policing free speech, it is to police their very right to existence and that is something I simply can not stand by and watch you espouse without speaking up.
So even though I believe that it is up to each person to decide when they are ready to date and certainly have no strong opinion either way as I have never been married much less made a widower so I would feel uninformed to make such a proclamation, I must in good conscience speak up when I see something is amiss.
Simply put, telling others they are not allowed to have an opinion is just plain wrong. It is harmful to society and oppressing others and taking away their fundamental liberties that we used to hold dear in Western society is why there is so much violence and hate in the world.
Other than that, have a wonderful day.
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You argue that everyone is allowed their uninformed opinion on anything ever, then turn around and chide the author for hers because to you the topic is low-hanging fruit in the face of other completely unrelated global tragedies, and you say this on a blog that has nothing to do with said tragedies. Nice virtue signaling there, chief; we’re all aware of those concerns, but thanks for the pointless reminder.
Shall I go on a Bay Area home gardening forum and shame everyone for discussing front yard landscaping ideas because people in Santa Rosa have lost their homes in the recent fires?
Face it: you deliberately hyperbolized by bringing up unrelated traumatic topics in an effort to diminish the value and worth of this woman’s thoughts and experiences. Gross. Do not shame people for discussing something because you can think of something bigger and (to you) more urgent. (Talk about thought policing!) It’s incredibly judgmental and very controlling… But that’s just, like, my opinion, man. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Unless she explicitly stated widowhood is more important a topic than pedophilia or human trafficking, you have no ground bringing them up here. You certainly have no right to decide how much of an impact widowhood has on other people’s lives or on society at large.
She is reminding the ignorant internet hoards that they are out of their element and speaking out of their rears. She’s using her experience and platform in an attempt to educate. She wants to help these people replace ignorant opinions with informed ones. She has no power to actually affect what people do or say or think, so calm down with the 1984 bit.
You have a fantastic day.
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First off, you clearly don’t know what virtue signaling means. I never acted holier than anyone nor did I try to mask my words and their meaning. I was direct and open and honest about my words. By that very definition I did the exact opposite of virtue signaling. Don’t use terms if you don’t know what they mean.
Secondly, you’re clearly incapable of telling the difference between opinion and rules. You shouldn’t create rules based on moral authority unless it is an essentially universally accepted opinion, like killing and stealing are wrong. Having an opinion on a subject isn’t wrong.
Third, she has not in any way offered or attempted to “educate” people on their wrongthink. She is trying to suppress their voices. She played victim and used that platform to try to leverage power over others based on her morals.
Fourth, I never said what she did was ethically equivalent of the other greater world topics at hand. however, that does not change the fact that her line of thinking is exactly the same line of thinking that leads to the other. A bad trend is still a bad trend even if it’s not as bad. Right and wrong are not judged by severity of success; they are judged from how fundamentally wrong they deviate from being right. This really isn’t hard to get.
Fifth, success does not determine guilt. The fact that she’s some feckless writer with no actual power does not change her attempt to stifle other people from trying to speak. How childish can one be to actually think that guilt is determined by success as you just did? “Well, I mean, are they really guilty if they attempted murder but the person miraculously survived?” Yes, it turns out they are guilty. Much to your shock apparently. I mean, honestly, if you would have just started with that insane rationale I could have stopped right here because the simple concepts are so beyond your comprehension it’s not even worth bothering. That’s why at this point this isn’t for you, Vanessa, this is for anybody else who might be confusing sympathy with morality like you have.
Lastly, it’s stupid abuse of sympathy like this editorial and you’re white knighting is what is wrong with the world and people are sick of professional victims trying to dictate to others what they can and can not say and do. The time of the collective hivemind of victims dicating to others how to live their life is over. Deal with it.
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Wow … It’s a simple blog stating her feelings.. not asking really for anyways opinion. People can choose to say and do what they want… period. We can disagree or agree or agree to disagree.. I lost my husband I have an opinion of which I have stated long ago on this blog. It all comes down to stating your own opinion… and not critizings someone else’s. Also if you have not been in the position of losing your loved one…. your opinion should be kept to yourself…. my opinion only…
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Thank goodness Trent – now we can go back to the collective hive mind of either ignoring or shaming victims. Ahh…. the good old days.
And I’m glad I learned that “white knighting” is what is wrong with the world. I always thought things like famine, genocide, sexual trafficking, genital mutilation, animal abuse, graft, slavery… I thought these things were what was wrong with the world. Now I know – widows with a blog – that is what is truly wrong with the world.
Nice egregious show of intellect – you don’t look insecure at all trying to prove who has the bigger brain… btw, people aren’t “allowed to have an opinion” – just people who live in a free society where societal norms accommodate that freedom. We’re lucky that way.. unlike tens of millions in other places in the world who aren’t. Probably shouldn’t take that for granted by bloviating so much.. (anticipated continuation of bloviating in… 3, 2, 1…)
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Thank you for saying it all for me.
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You pretentious fuck. Did you have fun proving your dazzling intellect regarding a topic of which you (admittedly) have no emotional knowledge? You sound like one of those childless adults who delight in giving parents advice on how to raise their children.
If it will make you feel better, I’ll concede that you are ‘technically’ correct. Everyone is indeed entitled to their own opinion. But when an opinion is ill-informed and ignorant it deserves to be called out, condemned, ridiculed, or whatever else. For example, is it really important to listen to some jackass spout KKK inspired b.s., or can we just tell them to “blow it out their ass”?
For the purposes of some ill conceived intellectual exercise, you decide to criticize a widow who is merely telling the non-widowed folks of the world to exercise a little empathy before opening their mouths.
If her rebuke of the people (i.e. you), who have not “walked a mile in her shoes” seems a little harsh, it’s only because you don’t know the hell that she, Pattton, myself, and many others who have lost their live partner much too early have been through. There are not words that adequately convey the pain and anguish a widow(er) experiences. So, until you know from personal experience what it feels like to be a member of this non-voluntary club, I’ll kindly ask you to shut the fuck up.
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Oh, so you get to be the arbiter of who is allowed to have an opinion and who is not? You are the one who gets to decide what people are allowed to think? The very same logic you’re using is the same logic behind shock therapy to cure homosexuality. It’s wrong to think it therefore you shouldn’t be allowed to think it, right? That’s the argument you just made, champ. Oh, but that line of fascism doesn’t align with your fascist ideals, so those don’t count, right?
If you’re gonna sit there and argue it’s about Patton Oswalt then you’re an absolute clown making Strawman excuses instead arguing the point you yourself conceded. Here I am near six years later and I can see your type of people haven’t changed and have actually doubled down on your fascist proclivities. You harass, you bully, you riot, you murder all in the name of suppressing the “intolerant.” The group you align to are fucking terrorists. You tell me to shut the fuck up because ideas are dangerous and you would rather suppress opinions you disagree with than best them on merit. You would rather kill than have honest debate or honest, free speech, lol even kill over allowing freedom of thought.
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What are you even talking about? Do you know what a blog is? There are no set rules. It’s someone reaching out to others in hopes of offering or finding comfort or support with those experiencing something similar. You say it’s trivial — but again – that’s an opinion. Loss of a loved one is a common cause of depression, suicide. As someone who lost their mother at 5 years old — I didn’t come to grips with it until much later in life — because at the time no one spoke of it.
If you have something specific to say about the subject – then fine. Otherwise you are just engaging verbal self pleasuring arguing against no one. And then later on you insult the writer — which leads me to believe perhaps you have failed in that yourself? Who knows, who cares. I hope you find something more meaningful to do than try to shame people only trying to deal with a very personal loss.
I must say I’m impressed you are able to function in life without having a heart though — that is an accomplishment.
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Lord, I bet you’re a ton of fun at parties.
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You are so much nicer than me. I had such a strong visceral reaction to what he wrote, that I drafted a strong response, but then never sent it. See, I couldn’t tell if he was just a troll, or just anal. Either way, he is not worthy of a response.
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Just found this post (web search when I found out about Patton Oswalt’s “Annihilation” show). I lost my wife in January 2016 to cancer and your statement “Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. ” struck home and crystallized something I’ve been struggling with since she died and my ability to connect with people. Thank you for giving me the words to express where I’m at.
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I think getting engaged and married within a year is fast for anyone, not just widowers. I agree that tons of people overreacted with their comments too.
I liked your article though, pretty passionate and the point of view is invaluable,
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Fabian, we all have different clocks since time for mourning and grieving is not constant. Those of us who were caregivers over a long period of time started grieving while the spouse was still alive, always knowing the end is near and every time the cancer came back my heart dropped as the end appeared even closer. Fortunately my late wife had the best of doctors giving her the best treatments and clinical trials available. After she passed, when a mutual friend offered to introduce me to a widow, I told the friend that I will not be dating before the first anniversary of my wife rejoining her creator. In the Jewish tradition the official mourning period for a spouse is 30 days! But for my daughters, their mourning period was one year, so out of consideration of their feelings (and my own) I decided to wait a year. Two days after the anniversary (observed by reciting during three separate services the Kaddish , which sanctifies God’s name, but says nothing about the deceased) I went on my first date. A week later a followup date. I still don’t know if I’m ready, but I am encouraged by my late wife’s friends’ support in my new quest.
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