Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who know’s me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgement and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life, when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? Its been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because thats what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hell fire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Twice today you have brought tears to my eyes and touched my heart. Much love to you, Joy. I’m a widow and I have to believe that the human heart is bigger than that.
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I saw this link posted on Facebook on July 8th, and added it to my many saved links that I don’t have time to read, but I want to when I can. Today is July 3rd, and by coincidence Facebook reminded me I had saves that were unopened, and for some reason, this was at the top of the list. So I guess I have time, I should read this, I thought.
Well, life is full of irony and coincidence. Today is the second month since the last time I kissed my wife goodnight, on Saturday, June 3rd, 2017, at around 9pm.
On Sunday morning, she never woke up.
I could not read this whole article. Someday I hope I can, but today is not that day. Tomorrow will not be either.
But I will get up and go to work, go through the motions, not because I want to, but because I HAVE to.
And no one really understands what it’s like, at least no one who has not had to face the same hellish reality. And at this point, it truly is hell. Tomorrow night will be the 61st night in a row that I will wake at 130am, reach out to put my arm around her, to hold her hand, and she will not be there. It will be the 61st night that I will get up, still half asleep, and go to the kitchen, because maybe she is having a snack. She always got up around then and needed a snack to get back to sleep, and then I will be shocked back to reality when I realize she isn’t there, and she won’t be again.
And people say they know what I’m going through. Oh I lost my mom, oh my grandpa died, oh this one oh that one, and I just want to scream leave me alone. I have been through those losses, and they don’t get it, it is not the same.
Just wanted you to know your words took me back to that moment, and it is nice to know there are some people who understand. This is not a club I ever wanted to be a member of. But I will go on, because I have to. I’m only 48, I know I’ll meet someone, I may steady have, but right now we are friends, and she understands that much, and she gets why, but she is the only person that has not tried to minimize how I feel. That is what hurts the most, is how these people try to make you feel like a fool for grieving, and the same people make you feel guilty for realizing you just don’t want to be alone either.
Thank you for your words. I will be able to read it all someday. Just not yoday.
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I soooo understand your words… I was there where you are 3 years ago, as I tried to date 8 months after my husband passes away, I still found it difficult to think of trying to give my heart to someone…. The company was certainly nice though. Time has passed and healed and I hope to love again…. As you will feel the same one day… I commented on this month’s ago saying it is to each there own… It is not for anyone to say if it is right or wrong. I wish you peace, joy and happiness for your future.. Hang in there.. It does get easier.. I was back to work the day after, which some people thought was terrible…. But they were not in my head and understanding that sitting at home was worse…. ☮
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I soooo understand your words… I was there where you are 3 years ago, as I tried to date 8 months after my husband passes away, I still found it difficult to think of trying to give my heart to someone…. The company was certainly nice though. Time has passed and healed and I hope to love again…. As you will feel the same one day… I commented on this month’s ago saying it is to each there own… It is not for anyone to say if it is right or wrong. I wish you peace, joy and happiness for your future.. Hang in there.. It does get easier.. I was back to work the day after, which some people thought was terrible…. But they were not in my head and understanding that sitting at home was worse…. ☮
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Scott,
I pray you feel some peace soon. Your post is heart wrenching. When you do read Erica’s post, I think it will help.
Take care and God bless you!
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Scott, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been in your shoes. I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel because we are all different. However, I can say that I went through very similar things while grieving my boyfriend and father to our son and unborn child 20 years ago this month. I really thought I was going crazy and losing my mind when I would find myself driving to his home to see him and half way there realize that he would not be there. It was devastating. I did the exact same thing 7 months later after our second son was born . I got all the way to his used to be home, excited to show him his new son, only to realize the same thing. I can still feel the same pain today I did almost 20 years ago. You never forget that, it just gets easier to make yourself do the daily things that you have to do. You will love again and feel happiness again. Take your time and grieve how you need too. Best wishes to you.
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Your strength and resiliency are remarkable. I was so moved by your words that I knew I had to share this with my father, who lost my mother 9 years ago. He is remarried, but the pain never fades for him. Then I read your brief bio. Your loving husband passed on my birthday. I have no idea why this is so surprising to me, but it is. Maybe it is because of the effect your words have had on my paradigm regarding my father’s engagement only a few months after my mother’s passing. Maybe it just seemed so random. I don’t think it was random though. For me it was a sign to really let these words sink in and allow them to shift my filter on this matter. Thank you from my soul to yours. I pray your journey continues to provide you with strength, love and peace.
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YOU ROCK.
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Erica, I lost my father on April 18, 2002 when I was 14. Though different circumstances, I felt like sharing. Knowing that we can expand even more after these people who have been so important and have touched our hearts throughout time, it takes courage to continue. 💞
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The love of my life just passed a few months ago. Your article made me cry and is so accurate. My neighbor sent this to me because she’s also lost someone in the past and I told her tonight I was dating again and excited about this new woman. I told her I’m worried that others might think this is too soon, but I’m 36 and not getting any younger. I agree that this is something you can’t understand unless you’ve been through it yourself. Your part about the expansion of ones heart is so true. Nobody will ever replace her; I’m just growing a bigger heart to share it with more people. I’m rambling, but the point is: thank you. I hope you find that next great person like Patton. And thank you to awesome friends and family who support everyone who has to go through such and awful experience!
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With all due respect you are wrong. People are allowed to have an opinion. It might be gauche for them to share it openly in direct proximity of those affected and those posts were certainly in poor taste to me, but you do not have the right to tell people what they are and are not allowed to think. This isn’t even about their right to say something, this is about their right to think something. The ability to think is what makes a human a human. This is what separates us from animals.
And to be frank something (“how soon is too soon to start dating again”) that is so trivial in comparison to actual, larger global issues. This isn’t pedophilia or child pornography or human trafficking where there are horrific atrocities being committed and one’s thoughts, words and actions are actually detrimental to a society. This is something that belongs in a Dear Abby column, not a problem that can destroy lives or entire societies. These are opinions and clearly these opinions are not uniform as there seems to be a very wide array of opinions on the subject. For you to tell them they are not allowed to think such things is to thought police others. To thought police others is beyond policing free speech, it is to police their very right to existence and that is something I simply can not stand by and watch you espouse without speaking up.
So even though I believe that it is up to each person to decide when they are ready to date and certainly have no strong opinion either way as I have never been married much less made a widower so I would feel uninformed to make such a proclamation, I must in good conscience speak up when I see something is amiss.
Simply put, telling others they are not allowed to have an opinion is just plain wrong. It is harmful to society and oppressing others and taking away their fundamental liberties that we used to hold dear in Western society is why there is so much violence and hate in the world.
Other than that, have a wonderful day.
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You argue that everyone is allowed their uninformed opinion on anything ever, then turn around and chide the author for hers because to you the topic is low-hanging fruit in the face of other completely unrelated global tragedies, and you say this on a blog that has nothing to do with said tragedies. Nice virtue signaling there, chief; we’re all aware of those concerns, but thanks for the pointless reminder.
Shall I go on a Bay Area home gardening forum and shame everyone for discussing front yard landscaping ideas because people in Santa Rosa have lost their homes in the recent fires?
Face it: you deliberately hyperbolized by bringing up unrelated traumatic topics in an effort to diminish the value and worth of this woman’s thoughts and experiences. Gross. Do not shame people for discussing something because you can think of something bigger and (to you) more urgent. (Talk about thought policing!) It’s incredibly judgmental and very controlling… But that’s just, like, my opinion, man. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Unless she explicitly stated widowhood is more important a topic than pedophilia or human trafficking, you have no ground bringing them up here. You certainly have no right to decide how much of an impact widowhood has on other people’s lives or on society at large.
She is reminding the ignorant internet hoards that they are out of their element and speaking out of their rears. She’s using her experience and platform in an attempt to educate. She wants to help these people replace ignorant opinions with informed ones. She has no power to actually affect what people do or say or think, so calm down with the 1984 bit.
You have a fantastic day.
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First off, you clearly don’t know what virtue signaling means. I never acted holier than anyone nor did I try to mask my words and their meaning. I was direct and open and honest about my words. By that very definition I did the exact opposite of virtue signaling. Don’t use terms if you don’t know what they mean.
Secondly, you’re clearly incapable of telling the difference between opinion and rules. You shouldn’t create rules based on moral authority unless it is an essentially universally accepted opinion, like killing and stealing are wrong. Having an opinion on a subject isn’t wrong.
Third, she has not in any way offered or attempted to “educate” people on their wrongthink. She is trying to suppress their voices. She played victim and used that platform to try to leverage power over others based on her morals.
Fourth, I never said what she did was ethically equivalent of the other greater world topics at hand. however, that does not change the fact that her line of thinking is exactly the same line of thinking that leads to the other. A bad trend is still a bad trend even if it’s not as bad. Right and wrong are not judged by severity of success; they are judged from how fundamentally wrong they deviate from being right. This really isn’t hard to get.
Fifth, success does not determine guilt. The fact that she’s some feckless writer with no actual power does not change her attempt to stifle other people from trying to speak. How childish can one be to actually think that guilt is determined by success as you just did? “Well, I mean, are they really guilty if they attempted murder but the person miraculously survived?” Yes, it turns out they are guilty. Much to your shock apparently. I mean, honestly, if you would have just started with that insane rationale I could have stopped right here because the simple concepts are so beyond your comprehension it’s not even worth bothering. That’s why at this point this isn’t for you, Vanessa, this is for anybody else who might be confusing sympathy with morality like you have.
Lastly, it’s stupid abuse of sympathy like this editorial and you’re white knighting is what is wrong with the world and people are sick of professional victims trying to dictate to others what they can and can not say and do. The time of the collective hivemind of victims dicating to others how to live their life is over. Deal with it.
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Wow … It’s a simple blog stating her feelings.. not asking really for anyways opinion. People can choose to say and do what they want… period. We can disagree or agree or agree to disagree.. I lost my husband I have an opinion of which I have stated long ago on this blog. It all comes down to stating your own opinion… and not critizings someone else’s. Also if you have not been in the position of losing your loved one…. your opinion should be kept to yourself…. my opinion only…
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Thank goodness Trent – now we can go back to the collective hive mind of either ignoring or shaming victims. Ahh…. the good old days.
And I’m glad I learned that “white knighting” is what is wrong with the world. I always thought things like famine, genocide, sexual trafficking, genital mutilation, animal abuse, graft, slavery… I thought these things were what was wrong with the world. Now I know – widows with a blog – that is what is truly wrong with the world.
Nice egregious show of intellect – you don’t look insecure at all trying to prove who has the bigger brain… btw, people aren’t “allowed to have an opinion” – just people who live in a free society where societal norms accommodate that freedom. We’re lucky that way.. unlike tens of millions in other places in the world who aren’t. Probably shouldn’t take that for granted by bloviating so much.. (anticipated continuation of bloviating in… 3, 2, 1…)
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Thank you for saying it all for me.
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You pretentious fuck. Did you have fun proving your dazzling intellect regarding a topic of which you (admittedly) have no emotional knowledge? You sound like one of those childless adults who delight in giving parents advice on how to raise their children.
If it will make you feel better, I’ll concede that you are ‘technically’ correct. Everyone is indeed entitled to their own opinion. But when an opinion is ill-informed and ignorant it deserves to be called out, condemned, ridiculed, or whatever else. For example, is it really important to listen to some jackass spout KKK inspired b.s., or can we just tell them to “blow it out their ass”?
For the purposes of some ill conceived intellectual exercise, you decide to criticize a widow who is merely telling the non-widowed folks of the world to exercise a little empathy before opening their mouths.
If her rebuke of the people (i.e. you), who have not “walked a mile in her shoes” seems a little harsh, it’s only because you don’t know the hell that she, Pattton, myself, and many others who have lost their live partner much too early have been through. There are not words that adequately convey the pain and anguish a widow(er) experiences. So, until you know from personal experience what it feels like to be a member of this non-voluntary club, I’ll kindly ask you to shut the fuck up.
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What are you even talking about? Do you know what a blog is? There are no set rules. It’s someone reaching out to others in hopes of offering or finding comfort or support with those experiencing something similar. You say it’s trivial — but again – that’s an opinion. Loss of a loved one is a common cause of depression, suicide. As someone who lost their mother at 5 years old — I didn’t come to grips with it until much later in life — because at the time no one spoke of it.
If you have something specific to say about the subject – then fine. Otherwise you are just engaging verbal self pleasuring arguing against no one. And then later on you insult the writer — which leads me to believe perhaps you have failed in that yourself? Who knows, who cares. I hope you find something more meaningful to do than try to shame people only trying to deal with a very personal loss.
I must say I’m impressed you are able to function in life without having a heart though — that is an accomplishment.
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Lord, I bet you’re a ton of fun at parties.
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You are so much nicer than me. I had such a strong visceral reaction to what he wrote, that I drafted a strong response, but then never sent it. See, I couldn’t tell if he was just a troll, or just anal. Either way, he is not worthy of a response.
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Just found this post (web search when I found out about Patton Oswalt’s “Annihilation” show). I lost my wife in January 2016 to cancer and your statement “Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. ” struck home and crystallized something I’ve been struggling with since she died and my ability to connect with people. Thank you for giving me the words to express where I’m at.
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I think getting engaged and married within a year is fast for anyone, not just widowers. I agree that tons of people overreacted with their comments too.
I liked your article though, pretty passionate and the point of view is invaluable,
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Fabian, we all have different clocks since time for mourning and grieving is not constant. Those of us who were caregivers over a long period of time started grieving while the spouse was still alive, always knowing the end is near and every time the cancer came back my heart dropped as the end appeared even closer. Fortunately my late wife had the best of doctors giving her the best treatments and clinical trials available. After she passed, when a mutual friend offered to introduce me to a widow, I told the friend that I will not be dating before the first anniversary of my wife rejoining her creator. In the Jewish tradition the official mourning period for a spouse is 30 days! But for my daughters, their mourning period was one year, so out of consideration of their feelings (and my own) I decided to wait a year. Two days after the anniversary (observed by reciting during three separate services the Kaddish , which sanctifies God’s name, but says nothing about the deceased) I went on my first date. A week later a followup date. I still don’t know if I’m ready, but I am encouraged by my late wife’s friends’ support in my new quest.
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Trent you’re a douche. vanessa martinez, could not had said better myself!!! PREACH!!
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I suppose I ‘get’ your anger (its far easier than feeling sorrow) on this. But I felt the same way when I saw he was getting married already after his wife’s death (one year is so soon). It screams ‘I knew this woman before my wife died’. I wouldn’t want to be cast aside so easily as someone pointed out. I don’t know what is right for one person or another, but all I thought was “ewww”.
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Jewish tradition is to wait “the turn of the seasons”, a year. He’s got that covered. If he’d remarried a few weeks later, well, it would still have been his business, but that would have been at least tacky. Who is anyone else to condemn him for this? I might disagree with him politically, but I wish him personally nothing but the best. My father died of cancer. I had a couple of years to deal with it, which helped immeasurably. His wife died suddenly. That kind of shock can definitely change someone, and it makes a difference in dealing with the situation. How about we wish him and his new bride well and try to make the world a tiny bit better instead of condemning anyone for minding their own business?
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Dear Tossaway,
Allow me to correct you on Jewish tradition. For a spouse the mourning period is 30 days, not a year. Since my daughters’ mourning period was a lunar year, I artificially chose to wait one lunar year (11 days shy of a solar year) before dating, out of a desire not to hurt my daughters’ feelings, not because of tradition or law.
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Thank you for this post, Erica. I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m not widowed, but I have suffered a deep loss; and I know that (unless I die first) more deep loss is likely to come. One of the things you wrote here that I want to skywrite is, “Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die.” I wish our culture were able to be more forthcoming and honest about this fact. Your work on this front gives me hope.
p.s. I began to skim a couple of the comments here and cannot. even. believe. people still have the audacity to argue with you on this topic. It’s infuriating.
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Great post. I love how you write the heart expands. I’m 26 months widowed and dating someone now 6 months. I remember when my 2nd child was born, how it didn’t diminish the love I had for child number one. This is similar. This man makes me smile again, but that doesn’t take away from the 30 great years I had with my late husband. So true.
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“So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you. You aren’t entitled to an opinion.”
Actually, I bloody-well AM.
Not only did I lose the love of my life last year to cancer, a few weeks after our 25th wedding anniversary, but unlike Oswalt, I had spent the previous 9 months caring for her ’round the clock, advocating for her health in every conceivable way, and devoting all of my time to trying to keep her spirits up, and having my heart broken piece by piece as the cancer ate her alive. That’s a bit more of a process than simply waking up to discover that she died.
So, yes — I fucking-well AM entitled to an opinion. And that opinion is this: Oswalt clearly didn’t love his late wife to the degree that I love mine, or there’s no way that he could’ve fallen in love with someone else, just a year after Michelle died.
Love isn’t something that comes along and overpowers people against their will; one has to be receptive to its incursions. And the fact that he was receptive to it within a year of Michelle’s death means that he wasn’t dedicated to the love that he supposedly had for her, nor to her memory, nor to the fact that although he lost her, *she* lost *everything*.
It sickens me the way that so many widowers are willing to gratify their own desires by the most convoluted justifications, and how so many other people leap in to defend those justifications on the most spurious and self-serving grounds (often to expiate their own guilt).
There is a direct inverse relation between how much a man loved his wife and how soon he replaces her, and Oswalt has demonstrated that his love for Michelle was something that he was willing to push aside in order to “be happy again”. No doubt the dynamic behind that is closely related to today’s astonishingly high divorce rate: because the pursuit of happiness — even when it entails ditching what was supposedly special about a previous relationship — is paramount.
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RCH: As one member of the widowers club to another, I’m sorry for your loss. However, you miss the point of the original post altogether. Clearly Erica is telling the non-widowed to be careful about throwing around their opinions about something that cannot possibly understand. She is not encouraging us widowed folk to rush into new relationships.
Being a widow(er) is hard. The last thing any of us need is judgement and commendation coming from those of us who personally know the exquisite pain of losing a spouse/partner. If not involving yourself with another person is what you need to do to move forward – great, more power to you. But just because you’re particularly adamant about your opinion, doesn’t mean you get to harshly judge other people who feel differently.
You have no idea how Patton felt about his wife, and to suggest that you loved your wife more than he did just because he remarried, is naively judgmental and a little bit hateful.
In fact, your whole post oozes anger and hostility. If you’re not currently seeing a therapist to help with your grieving, I strongly suggest it.
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Hugh Henry wrote “you miss the point of the original post altogether. Clearly Erica is telling the non-widowed to be careful about throwing around their opinions about something that cannot possibly understand.”
No, I didn’t miss the point at all: unfortunately I’m no longer a member of the non-widowed group, so Erica’s prohibitions don’t apply to me. Oswalt’s experience *can* be understood, by people who are going through what he did, or have already. People like me. If the topic was postpartum depression, menopause, or “driving while black”, then yeah, I would be foolish to think I could understand. But I know firsthand the experience of having lost a wife whom I described in the very same terms Oswalt did.
As you may know, widowers are at a greatly elevated risk of suicide, substance abuse and risky behavior — all pathologies rooted in the trauma of loss. Widowers are also at risk of getting remarried far too soon, and often they are motivated by the desire to displace their grief with with externally provided comfort, and frequently by someone who resembles their late wife (as is certainly the case here). It’s substitution, which psychologists understand to be another form of pathology.
You wrote “You have no idea how Patton felt about his wife, and to suggest that you loved your wife more than he did just because he remarried, is naively judgmental and a little bit hateful.”
Nor do YOU know “how Patton felt about his wife”. For all you know, he wished her dead for the entire time they were married (I certainly don’t believe that to be the case). The ONLY person who knows what Oswalt felt about his wife is Oswalt himself, so unless you’re his alt, your opinion of his relationship is based upon what he *said*, and *wrote*. And that is precisely what *I* base *my* opinion on as well: his many professions of her being “the love of his life”, of him being devastated by her death, etc.
Can a person go from making those sorts of professions of a unique and undying love that they’ve lost, to dating again within a year, and remarried after 18 months, if his late wife truly *was* the love of his life? I don’t see how. And I doubt that any recent widower who professed the same degree of loss that Oswalt did can be psychologically healthy enough to approach a new marriage as an equal partner within 18 months of his late wife’s death, without bringing some serious unresolved issues with them.
As for “judgmental and hateful” — I realize that “judgmental and hateful” is the new “racist” in terms of accusations intended to delegitimize another person’s opinion, but it doesn’t work on me. Judgment used to be an integral part of society, and it helped prevent social travesties such as this woman, who “fell in love with” her late husband’s best friend, just 4 weeks after his death: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1260766/How-soon-soon-love-widowed-It-took-Michelle-weeks–callous-just-lucky.html
Would you also say that criticizing her behavior is out of bounds? If not, then our disagreement is one of degree rather than of kind.
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I completely agree with you. It’s been almost 11 months since I suddenly lost the love of my life, and I cannot even THINK of another man, much less actually date one. I haven’t even gotten to the point where I wonder if it’s respectful or disrespectful to my loved one – I just don’t wonder AT ALL. I’m sad that I’m alone, but I’m not lonely – I just miss HIM. No one else will do. I don’t know how people replace the “love of their life” so quickly.
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Thank you, Valerie.
Your comments bring up an important point: too many people treat the speed with which widow/ers become romantically involved again as if it’s something beyond their control — as if “Oops — I don’t know what happened! There I was, minding my own business, and then somehow I ended up falling in love again!”
And as I’ve mentioned elsewhere in this thread, love isn’t some mystical force that compels people to do things against their will; they have to be receptive to it, to allow it. If they’re receptive to it with another person while they’re still in love with, and committed to, their spouse while that spouse is alive, that’s a problem (one we label “infidelity”). It would be evidence that they really *aren’t* in love with, and committed to, their spouse since it would require devaluing their relationship with their spouse in order to accommodate a second love. For those of us who were in committed relationships with the people we were in love with, this principle guided our behavior and our decisions.
I get why so many widow/ers (like Oswalt) jump back into being receptive to falling in love. We’re not just grieving the loss of what we had, and the person we had it with, we’re also — it has to be said — traumatized, and trauma leaves us vulnerable and seeking relief. It’s hardly surprising that this would lead many widowers to think that the relief they desire could be provided by a substitute for their dead wife. Just as in a committed and loving marriage, opportunities arise for infidelity, and husbands frequently think that another woman could provide relief from tedium, fears of their loss of virility, etc. But any decent husband will not allow that to happen.
What’s being suggested — even mainstreamed — in threads like this, is that a widower’s desire for relief from his situation justifies his being open to falling in love with another person, whenever it happens to occur. What does that say about the regard we supposedly had for our late spouse, that they can literally and figuratively be replaced so readily?
There is a well-attested correlation between the 13th month after being widowed, and remarriage. That suggests to me that many widowers are deliberately delaying doing what they had intended to do (remarry) long before then. To me, that devalues and denigrates their late spouse, and indeed, love itself.
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The thoughts of it are confusing. But if it happened, most would not let love slip away. Nobody ever got an award for mourning. It’s personal
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Lets not forget that statistically all male widows generally remarry within one year while female widows take up to five to eight years. Men maybe just need women more. Or are more romantic. Or stoic. Or bury their feelings. Or simply understand a basic truth. You can love more than one person in your life. You can have more than one really close friend, and your other friend shouldn’t get jealous or insulted. That’s what children do. I read a lot of these high horse comments on here about how amazing and deep and true their love is. And if you find new love, you must not have really loved your previous partner or lover. Wow. What a waste of life just proving to others how stubborn and deep you are. I am going to deeply love my late wife for forever, and can not wait to be with her again in the after life. But I’m not gonna sit around waiting to die living off of memories. I’ll die of heartbreak and self destruction. Already almost died myself twice. Not only am I ready to live again but it is a nessesity. Sure it takes strength to just be alone and forever pine after our lost love, living off a memory and the old world, but it is a stubborn stupid strength that is unnecessary. It takes strength to smile, to breath, to press forward. And to love another and find acceptance with all that life has dealt. Honor of the dead??? The dead are dead. And if in heaven will only wish peace and love with fullness and joy of spirit and of fullness of life. There is no couples or jealously or worry or judgements or guilt coming into or out of heaven. Everyone is forgotten after 200 years for sure. Including celebrities and all your acts of honoring the dead and loyal love of the dead. My wife visited me from the afterlife 11 days later on Father’s Day while I was fully awake and sober and know what I felt. One last tight hug and communication to my mind, body and soul. I felt heaven like an umbilical cord through her. It was all divine love like nothing experienced here. And my only problem with meeting anyone new is all the insane selfishness, rules, pride, arrogance, lies, pompous pseudo wisdom, and the pain masked as righteous indignation. My late wife would puke on most of all these bs comments and ideas of love. Which is just another reason to miss her terribly.
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I also had to laugh at this line:
“You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. ”
What bullshit. It takes considerably LESS strength and courage to fall into another relationship than it takes to go on being a widower. That anyone would even suggest the opposite with a straight face is ridiculous.
In the 19 months since my wife died, more than one desirable woman has made her interest in me clear. It would be the easiest thing in the world to allow that to happen, and to let another woman relieve me of some of my loneliness and sorrow, and to enjoy many of the same things that I miss about my wife. What “strength and courage” is required to simply give-in to temptation and comfort? NONE.
I’ll tell you what takes strength and courage: being true to one’s marriage vows (whether a man’s wife is alive or dead). Honoring her memory. Propriety. Demonstrating to those who cared about her that the man she’s left behind considered her to be the love of his life. Trying to carry on her wishes and her goals, now that she can’t. Setting a good example to the subsequent generations of what “fidelity” means. THAT takes strength and courage. Falling in love again? Nothing could be easier or more self-serving.
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Hi RCH,
Those of us in this situation have to find what works best for each of us. What works or is easy for one may not be the same for another. I have been widowed almost 4 years after being married for over 31 1/2 years. For the first 2 years or so after my wife passed the idea of being in a new relationship was completely foreign. It still would not be easy, but I’m open to the idea. I still miss my wife every day, but I’m grateful every day for our love. That will not be diminished by whatever does or does not happen in the future. I wish you peace and happiness.
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Love always wins in some way. I hope you have found your additional love! I agree that the heart expands, love expands, one has to learn to let it expand. Most naysayers are for themselves. I’m not a widow. I’m divorced and feel that this holds true for them as well. I don’t get angry because my ex husband has a new girlfriend, I get irritated that I don’t get introduced to her when dropping off the kids and seeing her for the first time. I can’t change him. I can only change myself. Hugs to you and prayers you find your additional love.
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Jessica —
I appreciate your good wishes, but no, I haven’t “found my additional love”; indeed, I’m not looking for it. I still have the love that I have shared with my late wife for 27 years. I didn’t somehow stop being in love with her the day after she died. While she was alive and our love was constantly being reciprocated, it was the most important thing in my life, and something I would never have jeopardized by being unfaithful. And it wasn’t her fault that she died; I know she wanted nothing more than to stay alive, with me. So how could I view that set of circumstances and then think “Oh, but now I can just expand my heart to include someone else” and not feel that I was betraying what we had spent 27 years building and carefully tending, avoiding anything that could risk damaging it?
Surely if an “expandable heart” is an option, then polyamory would be far more successful of a lifestyle than it turns out to be. Instead, the anecdotal evidence and statistics show that poly relationships tend to be less deep, and more fractious than monogamous ones.
I can see how “enlarging the heart” might work after divorce, since one might feel justified in making that decision, and whatever negative things about the other person, or flaws in the relationship can be learned from and something (hopefully) better can be constructed. But I just don’t think that it works in the straightforward way people would like to think it does after the death of a beloved spouse — at least not without exacting heavy costs upon memories, innocence, self-respect and a host of other things.
I’m just dismayed by the way that widow/ers take their circumstances — being sad, lonely, lost, etc. and, wishing to return to the condition they were in before — see remarriage as the cure for what ails them, and presume that it would come without negative consequences. The near-unison chorus of people encouraging and enabling them is predictable, but that doesn’t make them right. All too often, I think there’s a self-serving element of mutual-enabling that goes on (which I suspect is the case with this blog entry) — where a person is, consciously or subconsciously, thinking that if they make a statement defending “finding love again”, then if or when they do likewise, they’ll be less likely to be subjected to the same criticism.
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Very well said! ( Yes I am a widower)
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This widow agrees.
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