Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who know’s me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgement and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life, when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? Its been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because thats what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hell fire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Thank you so much for your blog entry, “A Widows Rage Defense…” Reading it did a lot to alleviate my own feelings of guilt as I have suddenly and unexpectedly found myself falling in love after the tragic death of my wife, partner for 26 years by a drunk driver on June 1, 2017, leaving me with our two children (ages 13 and 12). ( read about Krista here, my Victim Impact Statement at the sentencing hearing of her killer on Nov 17, 2017) http://www.xenmcguire.com/2017/11/sandstrom-mcguire-family-victim-impact.html
I never planned on loving again – nothing could ever replace the true love Krista and I shared in my heart. So when in December I started up a conversation with an old friend of ours from college, a woman with whom I had no contact since 1992 and yet we started falling in love – I was wracked with guilt in myself and worried about what others will think.
The other issue was that only on December 1, 2017, I revealed to the whole world what my wife had known since 1991, and I have known since my earliest memories (I was born in Feb 1970). I am transgender and this was knowledge that only a select few had known, and Krista and I had managed to make our love and marriage work with me pretending to be a guy for all of these years. ( http://www.xenmcguire.com/p/xenia-warrior-bassist.html )
Its probably just my own imaginative hypersensitivity But I cannot help by think to people who aren’t me, never witnessed first hand the deep love and conversations Krista and I shared; aren’t privy to my daily crying bouts, my joys, my dialogues with my children so that they can share with me their feelings, hopes, dreams — Love…..
My revelation that I am trans was probably the first major “shock” in overturning the world of outsiders — I assume the less intelligent probably initially thought this was some “coping with grief BS” rather than recognizing, as you have known, that this has been in the works for quite some time – 48 years in the making…
… And then after coming out, resuming an old friendship having long conversations with her and with each day and passing word discover such a deep unspoken understanding and connection — The sudden and unexpected spark where I do not have to explain myself- and yet continue open, honest, authentic communication — having received this from no one else.— Knowing full well that my expanded heart and unplanned love for her will probably be perceived as a double whammy.
I’ve already anticipated the old, “Have you thought about your children,” BS.
What I have come to realize is that I am unique. I have specific experiences, I am practiced in resilience and communication, and able to tap into my own generated inner strength that those without that skillset will struggle to comprehend. And realizing this, I have discovered that when it comes to my parenting, the lives of my children and my own, the advice from those who are neither Transgender nor Widowed tends to be pretty bad, and not very in depth or thoughtful.
— If I am finding new Love, and if my kids don’t like it, they will tell me about it and we will talk about it. But they also know that I will continue with new love, not reject it. As a parent my job is to help guide them with resiliency as well as human understanding and empathy – the Sandstrom-McGuire kids will never shy away from emotional challenges and they have already proven themselves to be resilient yet never afraid to show me their vulnerability. I love them.
http://www.xenmcguire.com/2017/12/child-rearing-without-stigma.html
Sending you and your family Love and Strength
Xenia
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