I’ve been meaning to write to you, but it has been difficult to find the words to say so I’ve continued to put it off. In my pain it was easier to not to think about you. As you have grown bigger and stronger, so have your kicks. What started as soft little sensations has turned into more instant pokes, little reminders that I need to think about and connect with you.
I want to say first that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for spending the first several months of your existence resenting, ignoring and trying to forget about you. You don’t deserve that, what happened wasn’t your fault. You need to know that even though I have been in such a sad state, truly, I do love you. You are so loved and you are such a gift, it just took me some time to see it. Though I am still in mourning I pray that you are spared the physical effects of my grief. As you grow within me, I pray that your mind develops with the expectation of joy and not sorrow.
Your life has such a great purpose. The very fact that you are here is a miracle. While your sister was born from months of planning and intention, you were born from a single moment of passion and faith. And a passionate, faith filled man you will grow up to be. Just like your father.
Nothing I can ever do can replace the father you will never know. His loss to me is great, but your loss is greater still. I can only hope that I am able to help you through those moments when you feel his absence and do my best to convey to you exactly who your daddy, Jonathan Roman was.
Your father would have loved you so well. Though he never got the chance to know he had given you to me, he loved you already. He talked often about all of the things he wanted to do with his son someday. He was a good man and a good father. I pray that someday I can find the person who will love you as a good father should. It won’t be the same but everyone needs to experience a daddy’s love.
I promise I am going to do my absolute best to be the mother that you need me to be. For now all I ask of you is to grow happy and strong in the knowledge that you are completely and utterly loved.