Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
Wonderful truth-speaking. May the heart and eyes of another beloved be open and find you, as your heart and eyes, clearly, already are open to the possibility.
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Love has a mind of it’s own. It moves in it’s own circles. And it roams where it will roam. – Donna Summer
Thank you for this post.
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I am the girlfriend of a widow of a year and a half if I’m not mistaken. They where together over 10 years and he raised her 2 year old as he is raising my 15 and 6. We also welcomed a baby boy 6 months ago.
I constantly doubt my place in my boyfriend’s heart since I am not the first. He has no words to explain all that you have but simply says he loves me. Of course I wouldn’t doubt that if I had been the first women in his life but I feel like an alternative and even second rate. He doesn’t make me feel like that ever. Is based on my own insecurities because I could never be the model type his wife was. I liked how you explained that their heart expands. That is enough explanation for me.
He has also being the love of my life when I saw him again at 38 years old after we were in the same graduating class in high school. I also fully understand Oswalt’s despair and his fiancée’s love. I also have seen the grief in my bf’s eyes missing his wife which i cannot replace. These men know how to love because they where incredible with their wives and they lost that love. I wouldn’t know what a family and having a supportive partner in life until I met my boyfriend and his family. I was very much alone.
I also like your statement because no, unless you are a widow, you don’t get to have an opinion on how soon they can move on. The internet has become a place for hatred and trolling and I see how ppl show their true colors when they cannot be seen.
Congratulations to Oswalt and new family. and thank you for your article.
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You need to let go of your fear. The human heart can love as many people as there are particles of dust in the universe. Love is inexhaustible and eternal, not a limited resource, all it takes is for you to accept it when it is offered and let go of the fear that keeps you from doing so.
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I was only angry because I’m jealous. Lucky bastard.
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Seems he did read this and thanks you for it. Ain’t no one else’s business how another’s life is going. I’m sure his wife would be happy for his happiness.
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Well I also know the lost of a love one I mean it’s not very nice to lose someone sudden, If I said how I really feel about losing a love one who it hurt’s how angry it makes me I couldn’t post this..
I thought that people in Hollywood we’re very liberal you know live and let live then why don’t they?
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I love the ignorance that fills these comment boxes below… Your “uniformed opinion”? Did they not just read about the very real life experience you have gone through, making you heartbreakingly informed? SMH. All anyone wants is to love and be loved… Leave the damn man alone. If this helps him get out of bed, let it. Its not like you’re paying his bills…
Anyway, so beautifully written. Poetic even. I want to say sorry about the loss of your husband… But it never seems enough. What you have written is gorgeous, so please don’t let these salty ass haters ruin the good you have put out into the world! ❤
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Bless you Erica – you are spot-on!
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Well said. My wife and I are getting up in years. She has told me repeatedly, that if she dies before I do that she wants me to find another partner as soon as possible (as she plans to do if I die first). Clearly, life is too short to live it alone and dwelling on the past. There are many great ways to measure love. Being alone and miserable for as long as possible isn’t one of them.
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Erica, I applaud the beautifully written article! I wish you the best. Mr. Oswald, I only want to say that whatever you do it’s nobody’s business but your own! People really don’t need to get involved with your personal life. Let’s leave him alone, and let him live his life. Hasn’t he and his daughter been through enough?
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Beautifully stated. I’ve been at this widow business since the tender age of thirty-four. On the nineteenth of July, it will be twenty-six years.
Moments of happiness are elusive. No one should ever begrudge happiness experienced by another.
Erica…I wish you only good things and, hopefully, a loving soul to help your heart to expand.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. I am also a widow. A year and a half after losing my husband to cancer, I met an amazing man who captured my heart. My husband had told me if he didn’t make it to not give up on love and to find a new partner. My new love was on the way to becoming that when he suddenly passed away too. Not quite a year after this second loss, I met another special guy. The love doesn’t die when your partner does, but your life doesn’t end either. Just as you write, the heart seems to expand to accept new love. One never knows when love will come along, or when it might get taken away, so my view is to seize it and enjoy it while it lasts, if you are lucky enough to find it. I don’t think it matters if you meet that new love several years after the loss, or at the funeral. I didn’t get as long with my two loves as I would have liked, but I have been lucky in finding love twice, and now a third time.
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“One never knows when love will come along, or when it might get taken away, so…seize it and enjoy it while it lasts.” BOOM. THANK YOU.
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While this is totally different, my experience is with losing my 6 year old daughter unexpectedly 3 years ago. People were getting upset and thinking it strange that I was not mourning how they thought I should mourn. People kept asking if I had gotten help because they thought I should be sitting around mourning and crying that my life was over. Guess what I wanted to so bad. I wanted to be done with my life. But what good would that have been for my husband and at the time 8year old son? I had to take care of them. So anyone who thinks they know better about how someone should mourn and move on needs to suck it. Everyone mourns different. So to all of those who are critical, you don’t know what is best for Patton and his daughter, only he does. And to crap on his happy announcement is horrible. Congrats to you and I hope for a bright and beautiful future.
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Outstanding post, Erica! On March 31, 2008, my world came crashing down in a very similar manner. I found myself a widowed father of 4, with lots of support but literally no one close who had experienced the same. Just 2 years later, I met a wonderful lady who has now been my wife for nearly 7 years. To anyone who would judge someone in whose shoes you have never walked–SHAME ON YOU! Too soon? For whom? I loved my late wife more than anything, but that does not mean that her death starts some emotional martyrdom clock that someone else magically controls for me. The love I have for my wife is not a ‘replacement’ love. It is very real, very intense, and it is as God intended love to be. Congratulations to Patton for finding love again, and thank you for speaking out for the thousands of us who silently sit and suffer through the loss of a loved one, only to be judged later when we are once again blessed with a loving partner.
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My friends mother died suddenly in her sleep seven years ago. They were very close family friends and we were all devastated. He courted several women within months and in under a year had settled into a relationship with a woman that he later married. Some of us found it really hard, especially when traditions changed and people felt marginalised. However, one of his daughters told me that her mother, before she dies, had read that if a man was happy in his marriage and is widowed, he very quickly remarries, as for him marriage is a happy and secure place to be in. Women vary more, but it takes a woman, happy in marriage and widowed, longer to move forward. I don’t know, but I understand that it can be difficult for family and friends to comprehend, but as someone said above, you don’t love one child less because you have another. There is always room for more.
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From one widow to another, your blog was perfect!
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I almost remarried within a year after losing my husband, however, thankfully…I realized I was seeking the companionship I missed with someone I loved dearly.
Years later, after kids raised and the raising of a grandchild, an old friend who had lost his wife after 28 years of marriage not long before made a proposal to me. He suggested we get married since we were compatible and we could sail into the sunset of our old age and not be lonely. I knew within three weeks, it was a mistake (for reasons I won’t go into here) and three and a half months later…the marriage was annulled.
My dearest cousin remarried six months after her husband passed away and it was the right thing for her. He turned out to be the love of her life and after thirty years, he passed away two years ago.
I do believe the heart is expandable and is able to accommodate more than one love.
It just wasn’t my time to remarry….my marriage was my soulmate and that would be hard to duplicate.
Finding a second love after a death is a blessing. Just be prudent, examine everything involved, and above all…..don’t rush into a marriage without giving it a clear consideration that it is right.
Best of everything to you and to Patton Oswalts.
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I can only imagine it is extremely brave to move on and open your heart once you have the experience of losing your “other half” Hell, my dog died and I’m not sure if I will ever open my heart to another dog…I can only imagine if that was my best half! It is not only courageous, but it can only be commended that someone can be open to love another without baggage and fear. Kudos to all who are brave enough to do it in whatever amount of time it takes.
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I love this Erica, so beautifully written. I too lost my husband very suddenly 15 years ago. I walked around in a daze for months, he was 51 years old and I was 50 and never could have believed that something like that could happen to me! Then before the first year was even over I did find a very kind, compassionate man who helped me through my most darkest hours. He kept telling me that was a transitional friend, but he turned into the next love of my life. And it is so true, he did not replace my husband-I still think of him all the time. But I did have plenty of room for another love to enter my life, My true friends were so happy for me as were my family but I could feel the unapproving glances of those who thought it was too soon. For those of us who have had the most horrible of experiences we know that you can not put a time frame on how long it takes for someone to be ready to move on, everyone is different. It is their own business and their own choice. And I am personally thrilled for the person who is lucky enough to find someone to share their lives with, no one should be alone! Unless that is their personal choice. I couldn’t be happier for Patton and Meredith!
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that was fucking brilliant. Well said Erica and i too hope you are as lucky as them someday very soon!
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Wow, that really hit me hard. I lost my wife of almost 22 years to breast cancer last year. I stopped wearing my wedding ring after a few weeks because I’d could not look at it with crying. I wear it on a chain around my neck. I hate when people tell me how long I should grieve. I went out with a woman and I had family members judge me saying it was too soon. They made me feel so guilty and it ended (still friends). Since then I haven’t been able to try and date anyone. I feel alone and isolated and I feel like I have to pretend everything is fine in front of family. You post was amazing, keep up the good work. -Dan M.
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I understand Dan – lost mine to cholangiocarcinoma after 24 years together. I can tell you my late wife was kind enough to tell me “you’re no good alone, you were meant to be with someone” before she left … and that’s all I needed to hear to plow through everyone else’s “feelings” about what was good for me… get out there, you and I both know, there are no moments to waste in this life…
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I lost a best friend to suicide and a year later, her widower was engaged. It caused a lot of comment, and people were definitely judgmental. I don’t get it. My friend’s widower had found comfort and solace and a connection with a really wonderful woman, and I couldn’t imagine that his dead spouse would rather have him miserable and alone instead of happier and with someone.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a partner, but I also can’t imagine that the deceased partner wouldn’t want the one left behind to find joy anyway he/she can.
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“So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion.”
This is literally the only part of the entire blog I don’t agree with. Yes, people are judgmental, and by all means, call them out on it. But I think it is poor form to immediately name call and try and force something such as gag-order/silencing into the debate. This sends a message of complete dismissal, without really knowing the intent or motivation of people. It immediately makes the atmosphere of debate hostile; despite the fact that the author is in the right here, with literally real life experience on the issue, which almost becomes less important as the attitude. What’s the old saying…you can attract bees easier with honey than vinegar? As far as the opinion of If a person thinks it’s too soon to marry after a death, most times it is not based in any sort of ass-holery or ignorance, but rather based on emotion( aka how can you move on so soon from the love of your life kinda thing). Because the idea people can move on after death is kinda sad, lfeels ike it diminishes the person who is gone. However, it really doesn’t…..moving on is forced upon us, because we cannot control fate and life must go on, a lot like the show……
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Spoiler alert -everyone dies-
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And that is what really sucks about it all…
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Bravo,
True love is hard to find not only once and lose but if you can find it again–with the baggage that it comes with as we age –AMEN! My sister found hers and lost hers…felt the pressure to ” be a widow” for a while and that while has turned into 10 years–some of her best years lost because of peer pressure not to find love and be happy. When you feel ready, if you have the opportunity, do not waste it on grieving for years…you will anyway. Find something real that can be new and bring you joy.
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Lucky Him. There are plenty of people that NEVER recover from something like that. I’m happy for the guy.
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Thank you so much for this. I just announced my engagement 13 months after my wife’s passing, and, while I was not mercilessly trolled like Mr. Oswalt, I can see the judgement in the eyes of some of my friends and acquaintances. They can’t know how hard it was in the years before my wife’s death, as I dealt with her illness. They can’t know how anticipation of grieving (she nearly died several times before she actually did) can wear you down, to the extent that you begin grieving long before the actual death. They can’t know any of that, nor can they understand how someone can make me so incredibly happy so soon after being so incredibly sad.
So I just keep it to myself, try to ignore the judgement in their eyes, and go on with my life. Anybody who actually knows me and cares for me will be happy for me. Everyone else can go to hell.
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Congratulations, Mark. Thank you for explaining how long time caregivers start grieving way before the actual death. I would just add that while we grieve on the inside, we have to motivate our loved one to continue to go on living. The final half year of the disease was the hardest, when the cumulative affects of treatment became the cause of death, rather than the cancer itself. I am still in the alone phase. Have not started dating yet, but what made me feel good, is when one woman, who really liked my late wife, approached me and said: “I have a widow I’d like you to meet. She went through something similar to what you went through, so please tell me when you are ready to start dating.” She, who is happily married to a very nice man, understood. But I also understand the needs of my (adult) children, and have made it a habit to share with them items which keep their memories of their mother alive, for I might be lucky enough to some day remarry, but they will never have another mother.
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Mark and Abe – I like to try to explain it to people like this – when it comes to trying to illuminate how hard the role of caregiver was and how early the grieving starts. My vibrant, athletic, smart late wife was diagnosed with cholangiocarcinoma – a rare cancer with 50% mortality within 90 days of diagnosis. She kicked its ass for 15 months – but it is a 100%-er on the mortality scale. No one has walked away from it yet… So, you carry that knowledge of a terminal diagnosis with you every single day – while not only trying to buoy your spouses’ morale and spirits – but everyone elses’ too. You have to be the super hero – there is no one else who can or will do it. Which leads to how I explain it – widows and widowers who have had to be caregivers successfully do the impossible. It is only made possible by doing it – because if we saw, in a crystal ball, all of the heartache, pain, suffering, cleaning, crying, furniture moving, intimacy robbery, sobbing, screaming, hair loss and clinging to life before we attempted it – we’d say, “nope, I can’t do that – it is impossible”… So – I just ask people – when was the last time you did the impossible? And Abe – you are so right. I tell people that the hard part was getting through all that (above). My hard part was short-term compared to the hard part for my children – which goes on and on for them the rest of their lives.
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I’m so glad this post has reached him and offered him a feeling of support. I saw him post a thank you to you today. I hope you saw it, too. Great piece and such a blessing to read.
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My neighbor and I both lost our wives to cancer last November, within one week of each other. We are similar in age. He is dating again, I am in no way, shape, or form ready to start even thinking about it. Everybody grieves differently, and everybody recovers differently. I have heard negative comments and judgement from acquaintances about him “moving on too quickly”, and about me “failing to move on”, from people who “know what we are going through” because they lost a grandparent recently (or similar). Words fail me when this happens. Thank you for speaking for all of us going through this.
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Erica
No truer words were ever spoken. I read your comment over and over again. A widow myself, I found love again. You put into words my deepest feelings. Thank you for that!
These people are just ignorant—- until?
Until it happens to them!
God Bless!
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I lost my best friend of 39years, Husband of 29 years suddenly in March of this year. He knew how sick he was getting and hid it very well behind alcohol. For the last year he kept telling me “When I’m gone, you have to find love and happiness again” I would just tell him to shut up. I didn’t see it, Didn’t want to see it. For me right now it hurts to much to breathe to think of falling in love again, but I know I don’t want to live the next 30 or 40 years alone. It gives me hope when I see, read or hear of people who have found happiness again
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I lost my husband last July, twelve days (TWELVE DAYS) after the diagnosis of liver cancer was made. Good for him as he didn’t have long to be in pain, not so good for us, my daughters and I, who were left to figure out how to live without him. We were married 38 years. I never knew grief before. You think you are okay but suddenly, inexplicably, you aren’t. A dear old friend helped us all through those 12 days. In January, he asked me to marry him and we are doing just that in October. My children and parents and sibling are supportive. They are relieved that I won’t be alone. That I found someone with whom I have much in common. But, I have been reluctant to tell our friends. What would they think?? Now after reading the uncompassionate posts, I know what they might think. These people have written my worst fears. But then, I’ve read the wonderful, thoughtful, humane posts of caring people and I’m not embarrassed any more! I’ve found the strength to hold my head up and say…to hell with anyone who can’t – who won’t – understand my need to love and to be loved again. Truly my heart has expanded. I am grateful for everyone who understands and is supportive of those of us who want to share our lives with a soul mate, for my children and family who have said “HURRAH!! and good for you and good for him for choosing you”. If you are not one of us unfortunate souls who have lost the first love of your life and the father of your children if so blessed, you have no right to judge. Go to another site and post about something else. Maybe politics….. You don’t have the knowledge that we have. I wonder where that arbitrary timeline of when it IS acceptable is engraved. Maybe you can tell me?
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My husband died 62 days from the time the spot on his liver ate him from the inside out, I had to watch his brain die with the urine and things his body needed. I watched my fearless husband become a shell of a man who could not fight, my heart broke so much. I had to sign the DNR, watch my best friend die in agony on my bed, I cannot tell you how much the PTSD is my constant companion.
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“Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die.”
Yeah, this. After holding my wife as she died this February I was forever changed. I don’t know if Ill ever love another, if Ill find purpose beyond survival. Those yapping trash are like Erica stated, no right to an opinion. None.
I dont know about others but I COULD use another person to distract me from the pain and hopelessness I feel all the time. I dont, I DO meet new people, talk to new people, try to learn new things. Allowing the grieving to run unchecked hammers my immune system, I HAVE to force myself to stop grieving. Get off the couch and live life.
I know one day Ill try to date, if people have a problem with that, keep it to yourself or risk physical damage to your face. I’ve NO patience for it.
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Pete – you’ve got this, you are alive and living and each day will get better. Not necessarily better, but easier. I watched my late wife take her very last breath in this life. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t angelic. It was difficult, cruel and unfair. I live each day now, a changed man, trying to live to the fullest of my ability in an outward expression of my love for my girlfriend, my children, my parents and siblings and as many people as I can in this life. Because, we know the secret – get it all in while you can.
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Hang in there Pete. Take all the good stuff with you and leave the pain behind. Remember, she loved you and wanted you to be happy. Give her that.
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Pete, speaking from experience, sometimes it is the right time to feel the grief and let it pass through us, cry and not bottle it up. Other times it is best to get up and get things done, keep moving. Grief is love. If we had not cared for our loved one so much this would be easy.
My wife died February 13, 2014. My grief kicked into full gear then. The process had already started (i just didn’t know it yet) when she had a seizure and was diagnosed with what turned out to be a terminal brain tumor February 16, 2012. We lost nearly everything we had over over the next almost 2 years. I was her 24/7 caregiver. It was the most difficult and important experience I’ve ever had.
When she passed I was holding her hand. I was glad she was no longer suffering even though I still miss her every day and always will. As I’ve been putting my life back together I have suffered various degrees of grief and even depression. Had never suffered depression before, so debilitating.
As more time passes my life is getting better. I’m so grateful for what we had together for 30 years. What a blessing. I don’t know if I will ever experience that feeling again of having someone care for me like I care for them. I hope so. I am open to that possibility.
What has helped me a lot is doing things that I love. Photography, writing songs, poetry, playing guitar, creative things. I have found things to do and things inside me I did not know were there. I hope and pray you and others going through this can find what is inside you, things to do that you love that make you happy and can find peace. We will continue to carry our grief always because it is love that we hold onto. I never want to lose that love.
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My father is widowed and reconnected with a wonder woman he knew as a teenager. They are happily in love in their 70s. We love her and accept her. What my dad said to me, “Kathy makes me happy. She won’t fill Millie’s place in my heart. She fills a different one. Just like each of my kids fill a different space.” You know what? that’s good enough for me any day. ❤ The heart for love GROWS. It is possible.
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They connected within year of him being widowed btw.
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Thanks soooo much for saying what needed to be said! My wife lost her husband just under a year before I lost my wife (8 years this December for her, 7 years this December for me). We were old friends, all 4 of us. When my wife and I started seeing each other, comments were made. Our position was and still is that as long as our kids were okay with it, no one else mattered! We have been married now for 3 years this past April and not a day goes by that we don’t talk about our late spouses. They are a huge part of who and what we are!
Thanks again!
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I lost the love of my life on October 4, , 2013. I would give anything to find another person to love like my Manuel, but I am not so lucky. I have my brother in law who has not left my side since I lost my husband , think the Biden drama. My wedding ring has not come off my finger since I was married on Dec 29, 2005. I don’t know what I am trying to say, but being a widow is hell, I miss my love all of the time. One day I hope I meet the man who can follow my love.
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I had a friend whose husband died. He was also a close friend. Eight months later, I went to a party to find her happily in love with a new guy. I was just stunned and horrified. Thank God I had the sense to keep my big yap shut. When I went home and thought about it, I realized “You know, this is about YOU not being ready to see her date, not her.” That turned out to be a transitional relationship. She has gone on to find the man of her dreams. And me, I’m just glad I managed not to be a jerk in that shocking moment.
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I started dating a good friend 6 months after his wife died. We spent our first year dealing with his grief over the loss of his wife. I was honored to be a part of that process. When we married 4 years later, I clarified to his kids that I was not a replacement in their dad’s heart. I was an addition to his heart just as you so clearly described in your writing. It is now 18 years later, and my hubby still has not stopped loving his first wife, and I’m absolutely fine with that. Thank you so much for your writing.
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ATTENTION WIDOWERS – IGNORE THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS
Patton Oswalt is accountable to no one other than himself and his God. As such, he needs not pay any attention to others who feel they have a voice that needs to be heard. Sadly, they are mistaken.
Background: I too am a widower, the world’s most undesirable club. I lost my wife Michelle (52) in March 2008 following a 39 month battle with pancreatic cancer. Following, I went looking for self-help material that could help me navigate the complicated journey I faced. When I asked the clerk at a national bookstore what he had for a new widower, he typed “widower” into his search engine. He then looked up at me and said, “Mister, I don’t have a damn thing for you.” But what of the 2.7 million widowers in America, or the 420,000 new widowers each year? Where do they get help? Where do they find guidance, understanding or comfort?
It was then that I decided that I was the perfect guy to help them. In April of this year, I released, THE WIDOWER’S JOURNEY – Helping Men Rebuild After Their Loss. See:
http://www.prweb.com/releases/the-widowers-journey/self-help-book/prweb14415444.htm. (Available on Amazon in paperback and all digital formats.)
In my book, we examine the views of over forty widowers from across America and weave in the expertise of fifteen subject matter experts. From grief to a man’s finances, from law to children, from dating and marriage, and yes, even sex, we cover it all.
Having spent nine years researching and then writing my book, I have a deepened understanding of the journey widowed men will face. Unfortunately, among my findings are the nagging voices of those who believe there is a logical sequence of events that need to take place following the death of a spouse. Again, they’re wrong. Just like grief itself, which experts use to believe followed a logical order of stages (old school), modern-day thinking is that this is not the case. The human heart is capable of loving more than one person, without diminishing the love it held for their deceased spouse. Those who learn this lesson are blessed indeed. Like Mr. Oswalt, I too was among those who were so fortunate.
Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Oswalt. May you enjoy many happy years of love and marriage.
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ANAZING GORGEOUS PERFECT! That was SO eloquent. I’m not a widow but I am very aware that something could happen anytime to my love and my heart breaks for your pain. I pray you find love again.
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Rock on, Erica. So nicely written. xx
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Bravo to you, Erica, for standing up for widows and widowers who remarry.
I am married to a widower. And, not only that, he had been married to my oldest sister when she died of complications from ovarian cancer after 12 years of a beautiful marriage. They spent half of fighting this terrible disease while raising two young boys, and he took care of her to the end.
You can imagine the scandal we caused! Even though I had lived thousands of miles away for 10 years and had moved back to be near my family after a devastating divorce, and a year after my sister had died, people still had the nerve to ask if I had been in love with him while she was alive. (I was only 14 when they were married, and he was just another annoying brother in law to me. So, eww. And, no.)
Together, we found new hope in life and in love. I love his kids as if they are my own, and we added one more to the mix. Our secret? My husband wisely said when we we decided we were going to date and I was worried what people would think, “There’s nothing to worry about. People will get over it. And if the don’t, that’s ok too. We don’t need those kind of people in our lives”. 21 years later, he is still right. And still wonderful.
So to all the widows and widowers who are lucky enough to find love again, I say go for it, only you know what your heart needs.
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This is a form of incest. This is extremely taboo behavior and for good reason. If the relationship had ended badly, the consequences would have been devastating and permanent for the whole family. Kids from the second marriage would be both half siblings and half cousins. Your husband has slept with two sisters. Telling ‘haters’ to stuff it doesn’t your behavior any less uncouth. Talk about putting kids and parents and siblings in a super awkward position. There were other options besides dating your dead sister’s husband, something she assuredly would have found repulsive. If I go first, I hope my husband finds a second wife, but I’d haunt him if it were one of my sisters.
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This is in no way, either legally or morally, incest. There aren’t taboos about this particular situation. This behavior (falling in love, legally marrying) is not uncouth. How do you presume to know better about what her dear departed sister would have felt? And you passing judgement, on a blog page dedicated to resisting such judgement, is not well considered. Ellen, congratulations to your husband on having found his way forward. I hope someday I will be able to as well.
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You have serious issues, and should look up the definition of incest before you so casually throw out accusations. My husband is unrelated to me by blood and the kids are siblings.
My sister would have been GREATFUL that someone who already knew and loved her children was caring for them.
So, you can, as you say, go stuff yourself.
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You are living and speaking your truth – there is nothing more admirable. Period.
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Thank you. My mom died 5 months after being diagnosed with ALS when I was 16 and before she passed she told me and my sisters on more than one occasion that she wanted him to fall in love and remarry when she was gone, because she wanted him to be happy. It felt weird for sure but I was glad when he did just that 2 years later. It is no one’s place to judge and if you love someone you would really want them to be happy. Knowing that, no human being can be replaced.
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I too am a widower. Who gives anyone the right to say how long it is enough time to grieve the loss of your spouse? Who says how long is the appropriate amount of time ??
I lost my husband in 2014. He passed away a few hours into the day following my birthday.
It has been extremely difficult to “get over” his death.
I get a double reminder each year since then day he died, that he was dying around my birthday.
I shared that time with my sister, who also shares my grief now as she stayed by my side as he was dying.
Grief affects everyone differently. If you want to date again, and get remarried, that’s great! That’s your prerogative. NOBODY should tell you it’s too soon….or anything similar.
I happened to go to high school with Patton Oswald, so being from the small rural community that provided the high school with the local children, sometimes we tend to get prickly when one of our own is attacked for no reason.
As a widower, I feel that I have the right to stand up for him since I have had the same life altering events affect me.
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I was in tears by the time I got half way through your commentary. So many people say the most asinine things to widow / widowers.
Today (July 10th) is the 3rd anniversary that my dear, sweet hubby died in my arms from a massive heart attack @ 3:20 am. He was only 42.
I miss my baby’s smile, I miss him telling me how beautiful I was everyday, how much he loved me, never went a day without plenty of kisses and teddy bear hugs. Most of all it tears me up what he has missed.
He wasn’t able to come to our youngest daughter’s graduation in June and starting college in Sept, our oldest graduating and progressing excellently at her job in the Air Force, now married to a fellow AF St Sgt.
It is 15 years, yes 3 years Al has been gone but he will forever be my husband and I wear my rings (and his in between mine) still. But that is ME ,… unfortunately I get grief even from my family out still being alone, being a hermit, wearing my rings…etc. I’m the only one in my family to have lost a spouse…..I’m the granddaughter, I shouldn’t be FIRST!! Not that I want to lose anyone in my family, heck trying to even make a comparison of feelings while talking to my sister had her thinking I wanted my brother in law DEAD.
There is no way to explain these feelings, excuse me ….roller coaster of emotional hell….to anyone not going through it. As well as everyone moves at there own pace. That pace may not stay constant, I know I’m back in hole but it’s not as deep as before.
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I appreciate the notion that we are all humbly equal, and all have to make adult decisions. Sharing your space and/or heart with another human being is a brave thing to do. Honestly, Patton seems very much a caring, love-centered soul.
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Erica Roman what beautifully written words and so truthful. It is not our right to judge anyone as there is only ONE JUDGE. Everyone seems to forget the “judge lest ye be judged”. I wish you happiness and fullfillment on your journey and hope some day your heart too will build that expansion.
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