Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
Don’t know why people feel the need to be mean and ugly. FTD spouses grieve for several years before separation by death of the body. There were many days when I felt bereft, even as he lay beside me. I am thankful for your expression of a heart’s expansion to accommodate another love; though such a thing still seems unlikely to me at this moment, it does illustrate the potential of our heart’s ability to love. Blessings to you!
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I write this sitting next to my very much alive wife. We both love each other very much and for that reason alone I would sincerely hope that my wife would find happiness and fall in love again should I die before she does. Life is too short, it is for the living and after I am dead I wouldn’t be here to be offended. As for the rest, it’s none of your trolling business so butt out and f$&@ off
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You have touched a lot of people. I applaud you for that.
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Today makes 54 days since I lost my fiancee in a car accident. My world stopped spinning that day, May 18th, 2017, and I feel like it will never spin again. She was the love of my life, the center of my universe, and I still haven’t figured out how to make it through a single day without crying. I feel so lost and empty without her. I used to hear people say things like “food lost it’s taste, the world lost it’s color” and such, and I always thought they were being melodramatic. Now I understand. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. If Mr. Oswalt has found someone that helps him feel again, love again, then more power to him. I am truly happy for anyone who has found a light in their darkness. I have come to realize that I never want to for myself. No one could ever replace my Olivia, could even come close, and for me to try to love again would be to dishonor her memory. But that is my personal belief about my relationship only, we each grieve in our own way, and we each heal differently. For me to expect someone else to follow the same path is me would be ludicrous, and shame on anyone who tries to do that to anyone. Thank you for sharing this, and for sharing your own story.
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Christopher
Your wounds are open and raw. I am a widow, so I know how you feel. I married a few years after my husband of 34 years passed. He was 55, and I buried him the day before Christmas Eve in 2008.
Time will heal, and you will see a silver lining, and your beloved Olivia will pick someone for you. Not to replace, that is impossible.
And you will have happiness. Bless you!
Maria
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I am sorry for your loss and understand how you feel at this moment. It will take time to stabilize after such a loss. It will hurt longer than you think it should. However long it takes you to grieve, is the right time. Do not try to rush yourself because of what others say. People will tell you “You are young, you will find someone else.” They may even begin to tell you eventually “It is time for you to get on with your life.” You will feel like punching them in the nose, or cursing their ignorance. You have to remember, in most cases, it is just that…ignorance. They are not trying to be insensitive, mean, or heartless. If they have not experienced it, they cannot understand how emotionally numb you are right now. Have patience with them and remember even though comments are made in ignorance, they are made out of love for you.
Speaking from experience, you will take time to grieve. You will hurt and as time passes, however long you need, you will notice, gradually, that instead of concentrating on your loss when you think of her, you will begin to remember all the good things about your beloved. You will recall her smile, silly things you did together. You will recall the ideas, dreams, and hopes you discussed. You will think of things you shared together, funny quirks you loved about her. You will have opinions of new songs, movies, products and such and you will know how she would feel about them. That is when you will realize that she is still with you. She always will be, in the way she changed you at heart level. The way she molded the way you think about some things, the memories you made with her. The way she changed your life does not mean that you can never love another person as much as you loved her. It means that she taught you how important love is and that you should cherish every day that you have with those you love, because every day is a gift. Just as you would not want her to suffer and remain alone, if she had lost you, you need to remember that she loved you and would not want you to suffer, either. If and when love that deep comes to you again, you will know that she is happy for you, because she loved you for the rest of her life.
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Christopher: I’m a little farther down the road than you are. My wife of 22 years died in February, 2016. Your description of your life since Olivia’s passing sounds all too familiar and I extend my sincerest condolences on your loss. While the pain of my grief has became less acute, it still has the ability to stop me in my tracks on occasion. In other words, I love my wife as much as I ever did, and I miss her greatly. But slowly, over time, I have come to terms with my grief. The peace of mind that resulted, has given me the strength to move on (which in no way is to be interpreted as “forgetting” – I carry the thought of my wife with me always). I cannot offer you any ‘magic’ formula to speed you through your grief, for each person’s journey is different. However, I think it’s fair for me to tell you that it will eventually become easier for you to move forward. This is my wish for you.
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True words.
My late condolences on your loss.
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Lose 2 husbands then we can compare!!! You have know idea the courage and pain!!!
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People talk crap because notice none say they are widows or widowers?
I am also a widow that married. And i dread the day my present husband passes. Yes, we are strong and we are brave!!
They have no clue who judge!! —-Maria
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I know this all too well from personal experience. After my husband passed when I was 30 years old, all the judgement that came my way was mind blowing. Especially when I started dating again. Everyone had an opinion and felt it was thier right to make comment on my decision for MY life. They thought they could judge me because THEY weren’t comfortable with my decision, and of course they all supposedly wouldnt have made the same ones had they been in my shoes. I’d love to know how people already “know” what they would do in a situation that has never happened to them? 10 years later, we are still together, so everyone else can shove it!
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Everyone deals with pain in their own way. Sometimes it just take getting the point to be able to love again the help with the grief but not forget the love.
When your spouse passed and you lay them to rest is the starting point of the grief that last the rest of you life. But at least you can start to heal.
In 1978 I married my high school sweetheart. We have two beautiful children and had spent our lives normal just like everyone else.
He was an out going happy funny man, fishing, hunting, ball games and yearly camping vacations with the kids
After twenty years into our marriage my husband was in an accident at work. He fell fifteen feet off a ladder and crushed both his feet, and severe damage to his left arm.
For the past 20 years I have grieved for the the man he use to me. For 20 years I have watched depression, drug addition (from doctors) take my husband from me. I have raised my children by myself that have very little memory of how their father was such a vibrate man. All they see is the pain and suffering to a man that spend 75% of his day in bed zoned out in bed with the TV because he cannot handle the pain. He will not come to terms with the fact that he cannot be man he use to be, give up the things that are impossible for him to focus on the things he could do to make a different life.
To all the haters out there that judge because try grieving everyday for the rest of you life. Try loving someone that can’t love you back because they don’t love themselves. Try being so lonely that you sit and cry when the man you love is just sitting three feet away out of tune with life. Try walking in someone else shoe before you judge.
Sure I could have left him. But you see I have not reached that point in my grief where I can love again because the man I lost is still beside me. A daily reminder of what could be and may never be. So I settle for the man that use to be because I know he is in there somewhere.
Cherish watch you have because life changes in an instant💛
Julie
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One thing is always true in this connected world we live in; the arrogant, self-absorbed, narcissistic, holier than thou trolls will always hide behind the keyboard and type trash about anything and everything.
I’m a widower of almost 14 years now (September 11, 2004). My wife was a wonderful person who had the incredible foresight to force the conversation of my moving on in her last days in the hospital. At the time I told her I didn’t want to talk about that, but she knew it was important. She always knew the right things to do and say. Grief is a storm that strikes everyone differently. Anybody who questions how someone else is grieving and moving on is an obnoxious a** who doesn’t deserve the time and attention to be acknowledged.
I knew how happily married I was so when I got past painful crawling and started walking again I knew that I didn’t want to be alone. That may sound selfish to the trolls, but I knew that if I was happy I’d be doing a better job taking care of my nine year old daughter.
I love the expanding heart concept. That idea really sums it up. I’m on day 4686 (had to calculate that, I stopped counting a long time ago!) and it may sound cliched but I still think of her every day. In the early days (days 200+) I started dating a little. At first, I felt like I was cheating on my wife, but I kept remembering that conversation in the hospital . . . I first met my new wife around day 300. We got engaged in 2006 around day 700 and were married on day 1128. All that newfound happiness and I still love and still think of my first wife every day. I never felt like I had to “make room” to love my new wife. It helps that my new wife understands this and is very supportive, even remembering things like my first anniversary and the
For all those armchair quarterbacks who want to sit back and tell us how to live our lives and when we’ve grieved long enough, I say why don’t you worry about your own life and stop trying to tell everyone else how they are doing it wrong.
For Patton Oswalt and Meredith Salenger congrats and here’s to a wonderful continuation of love and life. For Erica, hang in there – you will be just as lucky someday.
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Thank you for saying it all so well, and congrats on the life you built around the loves you have shared. It is a wonderful thing that you found another chance at happiness with your second bride. I wish all of you, you daughter included, all of the joy and love you can stand, and then some!
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Erica this is AWESOME! This is so well said. And I am also a widower —- THANK YOU for saying it so eloquently and getting to the point!!
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Simply, thank you for this.
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Unless you went through what they did then u don’t get to have an opinion, it’s their business. I just lost my husband , how dare anyone to tell me what I should feel. Good for you guys! I wish you well, good luck💕
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I hope Patton is happy. I hope it lasts for him and he has taken the time to truly know his fiancée before he walks down the aisle again. Although “trolls” have been unkind maybe there are some people that worry for him and want to protect him from making a mistake that may end up in another heartbreak, like divorce court. But it is his mistake or triumph to make. It is common that men who lose a spouse to death or divorce remarry much more quickly than women. For whatever reason. Is it love? Is it infatuation? Pheromones? Who knows? It is what it is right now. Let him live his life however he chooses.
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Erica,
Thanks for the insights. I pray that God continues to bless and strengthen you on your journey. It was very gracious of you to help give a voice of support for others on their journey. It was brave, necessary and accurate. As you used scripture to embrace Patton, I will use it to encourage you also. “The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious unto you. The Lord lift up his countenance unto you, and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
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I am lucky enough to have been married 25 years and have raised two daughters who are now grown. After hearing about Mr. Oswalt’s engagement, and the awful comments (we didn’t read any), my husband and I talked last night. I told him if anything happens to me, I would be so happy if I knew he found someone to love. And he told me the same. No one could ever replace him in my heart– and I don’t know if I ever WOULD find anyone—but I find the idea of him mourning alone in a quiet house just heartbreaking. I would want him to find someone who makes him laugh. I hope you find that as well.
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Beautifully put.
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Thank you for taking the time to speak up and defend Oswalt. Your piece is well written and much needed. I wish more people like you would speak up and defend others. Thank you!!!
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I am sincerely happy for Mr. Oswalt, and think the timing is neither appalling nor unusual. I think it’s a testament to how much he loved his first wife and how much he missed her. However, I do feel the timing can be an issue in certain circumstances and for certain people. My brother-in-law died recently and left a wife and 3 teenage children. He was so loved and all of us in his extended family were absolutely devastated and heartbroken. When his wife met someone just six months after his death, and married him less than 2 months after that, we were all very concerned that she was rushing into something to heal her pain. We were also very concerned about the effect it would have on my niece and nephews since they were still reeling from their father’s death. Suddenly their mother was giggling and flirting and kissing a new guy, and they were still just trying to get through each day with the realization their dad was not in their lives. From the outside, it was easy to think my sister-in-law was being a bit selfish. It was also hard on us, the extended family, because we were still so actively mourning my brother-in-law, and his wife is posting declarations of happiness and love all over social media. You are right in that it’s nobody’s business to judge, but it’s important to acknowledge the complexity of emotions it can bring to other family members when the spouse “moves on” somewhat quickly.
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Well said! It’s been 20 months for me and it’s like I could have been writing your words. I started talking with another widow right after my husband passed to help get through the grief, shock, etc. This person helped me in what was the worst time of my life because he had just been through it 4 months prior. After a year that started to grow into something more. And finally, now, we’re both in a happy place again. Hearts expanded. However, I’ve felt so judged by so many people. We’ve been talking about getting married and I can’t even imagine the backlash if we get engaged. Some of it from my own family even. Sometimes I feel like we are the only two who “get it.” I certainly don’t want a black cloud hanging over us if we get engaged. But a big part of me wants to keep it quiet except for those people I know are supportive. I’ve had enough negative for a lifetime, I certainly don’t need more.
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Love this. I’ve never understood why people feel the need to judge/criticize/comment on the actions of others. It is no one’s business. Simple as that. As a fan of Patton, I am very happy that he has found love. And it looks like she loves his daughter.
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Wow. I am in awe of what you’ve written. This hits home for me as someone who is dating a widower only 6 months after his loss. For the most part, we have been met with nothing but positive responses. There have been a few who gave us resistance and I wish I could send them here to read this. I just want to say thank you for putting into words what I feel.
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When I was 5 yr my dad had a sudden heart attack he was only 35yr, my mom was left with 3 boys and 2 girls and my youngest sitter on the way,
I arch my mom go through a lot of changes without really understanding how she felt her fears how was she going to care for her children.. I realize now how scared she must have been, she since my dad died married and devoriced 3 times , the third guy was a monster he beat me every day for 7 yr our family went through hell ..
Fear is a very powerful , fear for her children caused her to set by and do nothing about the beading I got.
The point I’m trying to make is when you have been loved and depended on someone then in a blink of an eye there gone can be a very scary thing no matter your Financial situation… we just need to watch them love them be there for them….
OH!BTW I mom bless herself for the abuse I revived, I told her that he was the one that desided to be like that not her…
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Thank you for writing this–you have articulated many of my own feelings so eloquently. My husband was killed in a car accident on September 29, 2016. We were on our way to start a new life in Savannah, Georgia. Now it’s a new life for just me.
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Moved to tears by your eloquent message. I’m blessed to be approaching 35 years with my true love and try to remind myself that nothing is guaranteed. In 2010, my sister suddenly lost her husband of 30+ years, and the pain is still very fresh for all of us,
Like you, I’m not a celebrity follower, but I enjoy and respect Mr. Oswald’s work and was very happy to hear that he had become engaged to Ms. Salenger. I should have been shocked & surprised that anyone could have issues with this news, but I’ve sadly learned that if I’m ever feeling too happy about the quality of humanity, I need only peruse the comments of any random internet post.
Thank you again for reminding us that love is both eternal and fresh, lasting and new, and above all a personal emotional bond between two people – but our hearts have plenty of room for more.
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Being a widower, I have learned that there are no right or wrong way to go about things. There are no timelines for how you should feel at any given point. To open yourself up to the idea or thought of loving again is terrifying. So, Mr. Oswalt, I applaud you for taking that most terrifying leap. I wish you nothing but happiness. And for you, Erica, thank you for so accurately sharing the feelings that only a widow / widower can understand.
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Thanks for your kind wisdom and word of encouragement to all who grieve. As a minister, I’ve helped widows grieve for their husbands and then helped them celebrate a new marriage later on. The right time is when the heart grows and heals enough to embrace new possibilities and to love without restraint once again.
Please keep sharing your self-understanding and wise view of the world, Erica.
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Thanks for being the voice of reason here, Erica. I have no idea what possesses people to say put forth such unsolicited meanness. It’s outrageous. On the subject of loss of spouse and grief, do you know Megan Divine? http://www.refugeingrief.com is her site. I think you and she would have a lot in common. All best, Melanie
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Bawling like a baby, while I loudly applaud you! This was spot on in defense of those with the strength and perseverance to move on with their lives after such a devastating loss as their beloved spouse passing. I was blessed to meet the most wonderful man in my life when I was almost 31, we married one year later, had our first son 5 months after, followed by our twin sons, 17 months after that. At the 4 years, 2 month, and 10 day mark of our marriage, he was suddenly gone at 37 years old.
As a widow, I know what it is to lose your beloved other half, the one who complemented you perfectly without being perfect, and the one you vowed to love as long as you both shall live. Not every widow or widower is the same. I never found another man I would consider seeing long term, much less marrying, in the 18 years since my beloved passed, because I decided if someone was not half the man my husband was, I was uninterested. No man has ever, or I suspect will ever, measure up to my beloved husband. It is not their fault he was simply extraordinary.
That being said, if any widow or widower finds another love after their world was devastated by the death of their spouse, it is no one’s damn business but their own, and I wish them all the joy they can possibly find in this new marriage. A once in a lifetime love is a blessing in itself, that few seem fortunate enough to find. The fact that some people are blessed a second time after such a tragedy is a miracle worth celebrating. Other people simply need to keep their damn noses out of it, if they are not capable of accepting happiness for the new couple. I suspect those who complain the loudest are expressing the sour grapes of discontent with their own relationship status.
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Dear Ms. Roman: I must admit when I saw Mr. Oswalt’s announcement, my first thought was “already?” But my second thought was “well, not that’s it’s any of my damn business anyway.” There’s a meme floating around social media that says to the effect of “Your first thought is what you’ve been conditioned to think. Your second thought is who you really are.” Thanks to your blog post, I now much more thoroughly understand just precisely how “none of my damn business” it is. Best wishes for your move and schooling.
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It has been 6 1/2 months since I lost my wife. I sit in a fog every single day. I cry myself to sleep. I find myself lost and angry as to why she had to leave me. Life will never be the same for me. I can’t imagine moving on as quickly as some people do. But who am I to judge someone else on their happiness. I’m glad they found comfort. I on the other hand truly lost the love of my life, my best friend, my partner in crime, my yin to my yang. Life will never be the same and I can’t see this crippling pain ever leaving me. How can a heart expand when it has been crushed so badly. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not judging others. I only speak as to my feelings. But I don’t think I could ever give another 100% of my love when I love my wife so deeply. I pray every night to find some peace, yet it never comes. I just wonder lost a shell of what I use to be. Sorry about the rant, I have never really spoke of this before.
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Please remember that you are the only one who will ever know how long and hard you will have to grieve before you can begin to find the new “normal” in your life. The early pain is so intense that only those who have suffered a similar fate can even begin to understand. Others think they can, but they are simply not capable of understanding, no matter how much they sympathize and want to understand.
Common wisdom tells us there are five stages to grief. You have passed the denial stage, so you are right on track with anger. How long it takes to move to the next stage will be unique to you.
In this stage, I know that sometimes the pain sits like a boulder on your chest all day and night while you try to think of all the “what if” ideas and that, too, is normal. In time, it will not hurt as badly. I promise. They say time heals all wounds, and it does, in its own way. However, it never promises not to leave scars. It will take time to begin to breathe normally after such a loss. It may hurt longer than you think it should, you can feel like it is taking too long, sometimes forever. Just remember that however long it takes you to grieve, is exactly the right amount of time for you. Do not try to rush through your grief; it is not healthy.
You are right when you say that life will never be “the same”, but you can, and will, survive this terrible loss. You life will find a new pattern of “normal” and you will find yourself seeing something or hearing something and you will unexpectedly burst out laughing, and then, you will feel guilty because you laughed and she doesn’t get to any more. As more time passes, you will begin to laugh and realize that not only are you starting to find things funny again, but you can almost hear her opinion of it as well, because you knew her so well, you “got” her sense of humor and that becomes a comfort. It is when you realize that she is still here, just within you. She changed you and your life will never be the same, because you are different from within. You are eternally blessed because a part of your heart holds her essence and that will never truly leave you, it cannot, because she is a part of you now.
It may feel like you will never love again, right now, but that is not guaranteed. Losing a beloved does not mean that you can never find another person to love even if you do not look. While you do not have to “move on” if you do not want to, your heart may decide the matter differently at some point in your future. For some of us, being a widow or widower is where it ends. The love we found was so important, so life changing, we never find anything like it, again. We can feel the warmth of that person we loved inside us and it keeps us going without the need for another. For others, another person may come along and the need to share life with that new person becomes overwhelming. As Erica put it, their hearts expand to make room for a new love beside the one that has gone on before. Both are just as likely to occur. Only time after your grief will determine your path. Right now, focus on you. Focus on what you are feeling, and how to keep yourself healthy as you process your grief. Leave the rest to your future and know that as much as you love and would not want her to suffer without you, she loved you just as much.
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I truly wheaped after reading this. It was one of the most wonderful and comforting things I have ever heard. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your overwhelmingly beautiful words of encouragement. I am very greatful and it has instilled me with hope that at 45 years old maybe this isn’t the end for me becoming whole again.
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I was married for 26 years. I watched my husband die on my bedroom floor after unsuccessful CPR. (Nothing would have changed the result). He was 48 and I was 45. My world disintegrated. We were unprepared. I have come out of the fog and am building a life much to the dismay of many who seem to expect me to wallow in misery forever. It’s been 6 years. I will never be the same but I am learning to be a new me. The judgement of others is only another smack to a beaten soul. I hope others besides we who have lived this will read and learn. Thank you for the post.
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I have to admit, I have not read all of the comments here. There are so many and I am sure mine will not be the last. I was widowed in 2008, that was 9 years ago now. I was only 35 years old. It left me a single mother of 2 children. To say I have struggled would be an understatement. I am so humbled and captivated by your posting. I feel every single word as if it were my own.
Like you, when I see that another widow or widower has found new love and been able to move forward into the unknown, I am ecstatic. There is no right or wrong here. There is no too fast or too slow. Each of us processes our grief in different dramatic ways. I agree that the naysayers have NO RIGHT to comment or form an opinion on this subject. I have always heard the saying, “The fastest way to heal a broken heart, is to find a new love.” This does not mean you love the lost any less. Thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts. I could not have said it any better myself.
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Such beautiful writing and inspiring words. Grief is our own personal journey, different for everyone. My sister was killed seven years ago, and while my parents pain was different as they had lost their child, the way that my three other siblings and I handled our own, was so incredibly different from each other. Each relationship is unique and when it ends, how we handle that sorrow is individual to us.
No one should ever judge ANYONE for how they handle it, because what someone sees on the outside is very rarely what is going on in the inside.
I will also say, when someone you love dies suddenly or young, it makes you truly comprehend how uncertain life can be, and how short. Why not fill it with love? It is so much better then being sucked into the vortex of excruciating pain.
Thank you for being open and vulnerable. ❤
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just coming over to say that I support Patton Oswalt getting grief-laid, dropping grief acid in the desert, joining a book club, going on a drinking bender, AND moving on in his own time, even if it doesn’t meet someone else’s standards for a “proper” grieving period.
The man is an Atheist. He does not believe in eternity. In his mind, his wife is not waiting for him in the afterlife, and he has no reason to wither and die, alone because of an idea he holds no stock in.
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Brilliantly written!
I was suddenly widowed almost ten years ago, and what I would give to find that kind of love again! Am I being selfish, wanting a love like that AGAIN?! Sometimes the answer feels like a resounding YES! Am I jealous when my widowed friends find love…you betcha! As you said, we all grieve differently and at our own speed.
God bless you! Thanks for sharing! And may you find love again as well!
PS
Know’s is not a word.
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Fabulous post. 😊
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Erica, the great response you have received on all sides here is an extremely valuable indicator of how woefully unprepared and undereducated we are in our culture regarding grief. What I have discovered in my personal journey through grief over the past 3 years and 5 months since my sweet wife died is how little I knew or understood about grief. Grief counseling/support helped a lot. I found many other souls suffering from the same set of emotions that are all at once confusingly tied up in grief and loss.
There are no preparatory classes, or schools or grief lessons in our society until one is actually unwillingly thrust into it. This, even though eventually all of us will very likely go through it some day. Lots of people going through really don’t want talk to about it and many people don’t really want to hear it or know what to do or say with it.
Grief counseling and support groups were new to me. My daughter said after her mother, my wife, had passed she might need some counseling. I’m so grateful she said that. I recalled the hospice we used had grief support and counseling available to anyone, at no charge, whether you had a loved one use their service or not. We met people there in all different stages of grief. One of the grief counselors there in particular was simply outstanding in his caring, experience and compassion. We received much help, education and love. The conversations with other folks in grief support were revealing and sometimes downright amazing and like an epiphany. There is a reason these kind of sessions are also referred to as grief sharing.
I would urge anyone who has experienced loss and grief to attend at least one such session and give it a chance. Even if you think you don’t need it. It can’t hurt. You may even be able to help someone else. That’s what it’s all about. Helping each other when we need it most. Every community likely has some kind of grief support group. If you’re not sure where to look check with hospice, hospitals, churches or other community resources in your locale.
Why is this important? In grief support I met people who had not ever dealt with their grief, some for 15 years or more. It did not get better. Their grief took on a life of its own and in some cases was ruining their lives. Bottled up grief is one of the worst things we could ever carry inside. It can multiply and compound it seems. Grief is not weakness. It is due to love and caring and then dealing with all these emotions when a loved one dies. It is complex. Allow yourself to get help.
Even with the help I received I still suffered from some depression which was something I had never experienced before. I can only imagine how much worse it could have been without any help and support. What also has helped me a lot is doing things that I love. Photography, writing songs, poetry, playing guitar, creative things. I have found things to do and things inside me I did not know were there. I hope and pray you and others going through this can find what is inside you, things to do that you love that make you happy and can find peace. We will continue to carry our grief always because it is love that we hold onto. I never want to lose that love.
My family and friends were kind, loving and still are through the life changing experiences I’ve been through over the last 5 years or more. Not everybody is so fortunate. You can’t listen to what negative people say. Even some positive well meaning people still have no clue what you are going through. They don’t know what to say or do. That’s ok. You know what is best for you. Don’t feel bad for thinking about or talking about your loved one. They were and are still a part of your life and always will be. I love to talk about and tell stories of my sweet Faye. Would you like to hear some now? I’d be glad to talk about her. But, I’ve already gone on quite a bit here.
Hope that this might be of some help to someone going through what obviously many of us here are going through. We can help each other as Erica is doing with her blog. That is the way it is supposed to be.
Thank you,
Chris
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Beautifully written, thoughtful and insightful. I pray I never have to face what you have. But if I do, know that I will hear your words and will not feel completely alone.
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What a beautiful and honest piece of writing. I lost my dad to cancer (after. 10 year battle) nearly 2 years ago and I would love nothing more than for my mum to find someone else. Nothing will ever replace my dad and I loved him more than anything but life really does go on and it is those of us left standing who need to work out how to live it. Unless someone has had a similar situation they really have no right to comment and even then it is not their life and such circumstances are so personal and no one can have any idea what’s going on behind closed doors. Thank you for sharing such a taboo subject.
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Thank you for saying what many others wish they could. Some are faced with the dilemma of not just friends but family who are condemning their rekindled love for another human being. My wife is still being judge by “adult” children. We are on our 3yr of marriage and were praying by now they too could mature and heal. Not so sadly. She still has to try and put the loss of her dear husband behind her and console her children’s “feelings”.
A year and half after losing him and she at the age of 66 her kids thought she should have waited longer. What, how long ?? 5yrs? 7 ? 10 ?? At age 66, do the math. She and I know God brought us together and owe no apology.
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In 1964 my father remarried just six months after my mother was killed in a car accident. He was left with three very small daughters so apparently he was not “judged”.
My daughter who’s husband was killed in Afghanistan a year and a half ago has received all sorts of grief judgement, both well meaning and malicious.
Your piece sums it up beautifully….who ARE we to judge?? An opinion is impossible not to have but voicing it is NOT okay. Think whatever you like regarding others grief process but keep your pie hole SHUT!!
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We’ve always been arm chair critics, Erica. But now we have what I call anti-social media and there’s no holding us back.
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Actually Erica Roman , you are wrong; I am allowed to have an opinion on anything I damn well please, and judge whoever the hell I want to judge. You cannot tell me what I can and cannot think. You are allowed to call out my opinion, but you are not allowed to tell me I cannot have an opinion.
While I understand you are “raging,” when someone make statements like “You are not allowed to have an opinion if…” and “You cannot comment on if…”, you sound just as ignorant as the hurtful statements you are commenting on. These people are expressing their (albeit ignorant) opinion; you are imposing your opinion on others.
I say this only because I feel this is a fundamental problem with people and arguments these days in the United States. You automatically shut out opinions you do not agree with without explaining your position. You at least explained your position here, although in an extremely negative and condescending manner. No one who disagrees with you is going to read your article after “So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.” I understand your emotion, but we as Americans have come to let emotion sway our opinion instead of facts. This article isn’t out to help change these ignorant opinions. In essence, all you did was rally people who already agree with you and further isolate people who have dissenting opinions.
That said, everyone talking shit about Patton Oswalt getting married too soon needs to go get laid. Let the man live his life how he pleases.
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Grieving is an absolutely personal journey. I, myself, look at transition, as part of our total existence. YES, losing a loved one is devastating!!!! I know this from personal experience, as do many people I know. But I don’t think that there is a predetermined time frame for moving on. I would even question why it is called “moving on.” You NEVER “move on” from this kind of loss. But you do have to continue to “Live.” Live without the physical presence of the one you love……and notice I say Love. ….present tense. That will never cease. But Love must continue to be experienced with those who can receive and share. It is what our existence is thrived upon. So for those folks who want to govern love, and the time they feel you have the right to subdue it, I say, wear your own shoes. Love is meant to be a continuous cycle. Every individual has the potential to grow and cultivate love with the sharing and the encouragement of spirit. Love possesses no time table.
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This was an amazing read. Thank you for this. I could not agree with you more. I say all this not having the slightest idea what you and Patton have been through (with losing a spouse), but I do believe in being able to love again, and if for some reason I we’re gone suddenly; I would hope my wife would love again too.
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Thank you so much for this. I lost my husband and best friend of 11+ years (together a total of almost 16) to a heart attack caused by sleep apnea last May at the age of 33. When he died i thought my world ended. He left me with nothing financially (no will or life insurance) and i was unemployed at the time. I hit rock bottom and was deeply depressed for 4-5 months and seriously thought of ending it all. I woke up one day and realized i needed to keep going. Now ive finally met someone who deeply cares and loves me for me. We’ve been seeing each other for a while and I havent felt like this since i met my husband. I only tell people who i know wont judge because for some reason people think widowers need to spend the rest of their lives moping alone or if you do live someone again you are a slut/whore/etc and/or are trying to replace your spouse or turn them into Spouse v2.0 because you havent followed the undetermined amount of time before you start seeing others again. Nobody can judge unless they have walked in your shoes and if they can’t accept you for you there’s no reason to ve friends.
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I’m sorry for your loss, that goes without saying. I love your post and I’m glad to have discovered your blog. People love issuing opinions on things they have little experience in or knowledge of. There’s enough room in the world for happiness to land on widows and widowers, people who’ve made mistakes and everyone in between. Grief is extraordinary, no rhyme or reason to when it sometimes hits. I also stand with Oswalt and you and wish you joy again.
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