Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
Coming up on my 4th year as a widower – thank you. I found your words so encouraging and helpful. My heart doesn’t have to shrink and I don’t have to overwrite or lose anything – I just need to expand. Thank you.
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It is that “one true sentence” which proves a writer’s ability to reach readers.
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Day 229 since my beautiful, joyous wife died. She was far too young and the last nine years of her life were in a slow decline. She was diagnosed with and died from young-onset Alzheimer’s. I was her caregiver for all but the last year and a half when I could not do it on my own and had to place her in an Adult Family Home. We grieved for her for years. Her passing, as sad as it was and as certain we knew it would be, was a lessening of the grief. So yes, it is only day 229, but years of grieving. I finally took my wedding ring off last week. I still have life to live and love to give, and think I’m ready…I can’t imagine anyone in my orbit that knew my wife would object.
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This is so well-written. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you sharing your journey. — Joe
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Erica,
So beautifully written from someone who seems so wise for her age. Thank you for saying what needed to be said. Unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes…I have a brother who almost lost his wife to cancer after just 2 years together to then lose her 23 years later to that awful disease. He also married 13 months after and a lot of people, including me, were questioning was it too soon. But then I realized that he was lucky enough to have found love again and as you said, who am I to judge him. That was 20 years ago and they are still together. I wish you all of the best and hope you find what you want in your life.
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Thanks for this Erica (My deceased wife’s name, hehe). You’re very right and as somebody who’s been going through this as well it’s brutal as hell on all fronts internal and external. I can’t imagine it being easy to understand this struggle until you’ve been through it, and to throw children in the mix as well (have a 7 and a 10 y/o) ramps it up significantly. Anyway, my Erica died about 1.5 years ago. I am dating and so far haven’t caught too much grief. Thanks again for the write up and chin up!
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Excellent writing. My dad got engaged to my mom not much more than 15 months after his first wife (and mother of three children) died.* I’m told the old ladies in his church did similar backtalking about it being too soon. So, anyone who wants to disparage someone for continuing on after that tragedy can console themselves with the knowledge that their as enlightened as old church ladies in the early 60s.
*It was only after three dates, which honestly is the part I can’t fathom.
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My name is Bill Scheft. My wife, the comedian Adrianne Tolsch, died December 7. We were married 26 1/2 years, together 34. She was sick the last four years. I reached out to Patton (we knew of each other) a month before she went to Heaven and said, “You and I are about to be members of the same club.” He wrote right back to me, and since then he has been unfailing supportive and insightful, and I was encouraging where I could be to him. When I read last night that he was engaged, I had two thoughts. 1) I was beyond thrilled for him that he found someone, and 2) I was maybe more thrilled that I had known nothing about it until that moment. Until he was ready. Because it’s nobody’s business, and what other people think of you is none of your business. It just gets in the way. This is my long way of saying good for you. This took a lot of courage, but that is nothing new for us. Everything else is.
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Dear Bill Scheft, as a total stranger I feel something like an odd familiarity with you. Maybe it’s the way you write, so concise yet eloquent, that your words seem to be transmitted directly to that more obscure, more private part of my, well my soul. It’s a very intimate experience reading your painfully bittersweet comment.
I want to express whatever it is that might possibly be appropriate or appreciated, though I can’t imagine anything adequately meeting the formidable requirement that your recent tragic loss demands. I don’t think there actually are any words right for this situation, but still I wish you well.
I do have a question, a personal one, if you wouldn’t mind the intrusion. I was wondering if your marriage, 26 1/2 years worth, was enhanced or affected in any particular way by the fact of your wife being a comedian? Is what I presume to be a facility for The Better Joke a valuable asset in a marriage? Or can the impulse to go for the laugh obstruct genuine intimate meaningful communication? I instinctively rely upon humor to mediate and make more palatable otherwise awkward, difficult or tedious emotions, and it seems my partner is not always–if ever!–similarly inclined. It’s kind of a problem.
That’s a question I’ve asked only a few people in my life, mainly because so few people I know I consider funny. All the rest, however, all seem to believe they’re devastatingly hilarious wits. That’s the funniest thing about them.
Thanks in advance?!,
Ed Rosenthal
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We were both comedians…for a while. We met at Catch a Rising Star in December 1980. I worked for 13 years as a comic and then I was lucky enough to get hired as a writer by David Letterman, who I worked with for 24 years. If you have 90 minutes to laugh and cry, but laugh much much more, YouTube “Adrianne Tolsch Memorial” which we did at St. Peters Church last January.
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That was beautiful. Thank you for the insight. I can’t begin to imagine what losing a spouse in that matter would be like, but what really touched me was your comment regarding the heart not replacing, but, rather, “Expanding.”
When my wife was pregnant with our second child I had intense fears that I didn’t have enough love for her. My heart was owned by my first child and I feared that I had made a mistake. But a strange thing happened, like the Grinch, as soon as I held her in my arms, my heart grew 3 sizes that day, and I found that I had plenty of love for both. I didn’t take love from one place and spread it out. No, the love simply, effortlessly came from somewhere I didn’t know existed.
I am in no way comparing the situations, just noting that the concept is similar, and wonderfully put in your blog post. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope that there is much love in your future.
Thank you again for your courage, and for sharing your words.
Cheers.
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I don’t know you – or even him, for that matter – but my mom died pretty young (55) and my father remarried within the year. Some people thought it was “too soon” but I had to say there is no timetable for grief or falling in love. Dad’s second wife was very different than my mother but a blessing to him, certainly, and also to us, even though most of us were already out of the house when Mom died. My niece lost her husband at 32. I know she would agree with your support of this man. Y’all both write very well of your pain. Keep up the good work!
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I love my husband dearly, and he loves me. If I were to make my sad departure early, I very much want him to find someone new. I hope that he could do it fairly soon, because he does better with somebody then alone. The only thing I’ve asked him is that he not take a date to my funeral. 🙂
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Your words were very moving. I am so sorry for your loss. And I wish you nothing but the best and happiness and healing.
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Well said, Erica. I’m a grieving father and no one (NO ONE) gets to tell you how to do this. Our grief journeys are our own to manage.
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We just lost our son and my husband and I aren’t even on the same rung of our grief ladder. But together we try to climb. No one.. I repeat.. NO ONE has the right to judge another’s journey. All the best to Erica, Patton and you as well sir.
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Lovely
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Bravo! I got married again last year, 3 years after losing my husband of 23 years. I was told that apparently I didn’t love my 1st husband very much if I was able to move on so quickly. It was because of the love he and I shared that I COULD move on so quickly.
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That was a wonderful article ❤
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I was widowed at 26 with an infant suddenly and unexpectedly due to undiagnosed Long QT. Widowhood, especially young widowhood, is a strange and lonely path, and how anyone gets through it is their own business. I’m happy that Mr. Oswalt has found happiness, and I wish you the best on your journey as well. Thank you for the well-written article.
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One would think that loving someone and then losing them, would make the person grab hold of the next love no matter what. Life isn’t forever…Love who you can while you can because you never know when you might lose them or they you.
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I agree with you! After my fiance’s death I was amazed at all the “advice” clueless people gave me. People should mind their own damn business if they haven’t gone through it themselves! And no, it’s not all all the same as going through a divorce!
Also it’s interesting how it’s more acceptable to be angry in our society than it is to cry in public. Stand in front of the Ben & Jerry’s cooler in the grocery store crying your eyes out and see how uncomfortable you make other people.
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well said. nobody’s business except yours who you love, when you love, or how you love. this seems to be a general epidemic – people feeling empowered to tell other people how they should think, feel, or act. you have my sympathy and good wishes for the future.
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Yes!!!!! I just posted on his share, and I will here too. We have this one life! We get to decide how we feel and how we react. People can say it was too soon for him to find love again…..but it was too soon for him to lose his first. I haven’t gone through this, and I’m guessing most who judge haven’t either. Good for him and I’m so glad you wrote what you did!
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I had followed Patton too since my wife died from a 19 month battle with Glioblastoma (GBM) brain cancer this February. I understood his not wanting to take off his wedding ring until he was ready. I still wear mine and will take it off when I am ready. We all take this forced journey differently. No one has the right to determine when is too soon. It is so painful to see other intact families while ours is in shambles through no fault of our own. To judge this is just plain wrong. Loved every word of this and now following and supporting.
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Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Thank you for this wonderful post.
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Life is for the living, not for the dead or dying. I have had Type 1 Diabetes for 25 years. My sister was widowed when she was 9.5 weeks along. I now have MSA and a 4 year old. Never forget, life is for the living.
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We don’t know each other, but my world just got a little brighter having been introduced to you via Patton Oswald linking to this article. I can’t imagine the level of arrogance and naivety it takes to judge and comment on such a tragedy or the incredible strength and courage it takes to give yourself permission to find that kind of happiness again. I’ve never gone through something like this, just a divorce, and that was tough enough, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what either of you have gone through, and continue to do so. Thank you for being strong (and strong willed) enough to write this, I’m sure there are plenty of people in the same situation who’ve been shamed out of relationships by their judgemental (and probably well-meaning friends)!
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Beautifully said. Erica, I wish you all the best.
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Hi Erica,
I’m so sorry for your loss. When I was 9 years old and my sister was 6 my father died of colon cancer. He and my mother were 35 when he died. A little over a year later, my mom remarried an amazing man with 2 daughters himself. He has always treated my sister and I as if we are “his”, and it means the world to both of us. I did eventually tell my children about my father’s death. They all agreed that I was so lucky to get to have “a second dad”. He is an amazing man and has made my mom, my sister and I so happy. They celebrated their 35th anniversary this year. If anyone is lucky enough to find love again after such painful loss, hang on to it and be grateful. I hope that you and your kids find the same happiness my family was able to find after such grief.
Sincerely,
Michell
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Very well said. Bravo.
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Fan of your comedy but of course, don’t know you personally. So sorry for your loss, but don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve OR live. We have a short time in this lfe and we have to do the best we can while here. Good luck Buddy.
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As I am very far from getting my own life sorted out, I do not judge. I only ask, just to give them something to ponder, if they are doing this because they want to be with this person, or because they do not want to be alone. I believe there is an important difference and the knowing is only fair to you and the one you are marrying. For the record, I ask that question to ANY family or friend getting married, widowed or not.
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My first husband was taken when he was only 62. We had been married for 42 years. He was taken after having a stroke. Five months later I met a man that had
just lost his wife. We were married a year and half later.
Well look at me i’m a widow again. I lost him in Sept of 2016. Almost five years to the day that I lost my first. He had cancer. I must be honest I’ve been looking for someone to share my life with. Not that I plan on getting married again, but to take away all the lonely times.
I feel that is my business. Until you have walked in my shoes do not judge me.
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My mom was 47 when my dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack at 50 (while jogging no less) I always hoped she was able to find someone. PS i also tweeted this on twitter. people need to read it.
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I met my fiancé almost a year to the day my husband died of cancer. For me, the grieving began the day we were told he had stage four lung cancer. Those two years, one year of treatments and one year after he died, were dark and dreary. I learned quickly who my true friends and family members were. All those casseroles and pledges of support ended after the funeral. And everyone returned to their lives but expected me to stay in my jail cell until death came for me. My own sister told me I should be content with my memories. I was 58 years old and I was expected to live for the next 20-30 years alone and without love? I don’t think so!! Six months after his death, I started dating again. Five months later and a few frogs, I met my wonderful fiancé. We got engaged this May, on the second anniversary of our meeting. And would you believe there are people out there who think it’s too soon? Three years later????
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I’m with you 100%, also, Erica…if Patton Oswald wants to remarry on the way home from his wife’s funeral, that’s completely HIS DECISION, and f@ck anyone else saying otherwise…when did we become such self-important a**holes? Patton is obviously doing what he feels is right for him and his daughter, and I couldn’t wish him more success and happiness…and I hope the same for you and your children as well…
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I was widowed unexpectedly at 27. I started dating my husband just after my 29th birthday, and we were married a year and a half later. It has now been almost ten years and two kids later. We did everything on the timeline that was right for us. I wish Patton Oswalt and Meredith Salenger health, happiness, and many years together.
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Glad to see your fight amongst this exclusive unwanted desired club of private individuals who would give anything to have a time machine.
http://www.mytragiclove.com
My blog of misfortune.
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It’s no one’s business. Everyone heals differently. When my mom died, my dad was introduced to a woman who had just lost her husband. (they were both 60s-70) I believe it was a dinner at a mutual friend’s. This was like, the next week or so. They got along very well, and though it was very soon after the funerals, they kept seeing each other and a relationship developed. I guess my dad felt weird, because he kept it a secret for about a month or so. Long story short, they ended up getting married and lived happily for 20 years. My brother and I were happier with my dad being healthy and happy, than we would have been had he lingered and wandered in a lonely life for the rest of his years. My dad never stopped loving my mom. It’s just that life has to go on. We accepted that.
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What’s most galling is the right to make any comment whatsoever that these people arrogate to themselves. What IF it turns out to be “too soon?” What IF it doesn’t “last?” Well, Patton and his wife will eventually find that out. That’s their business.
People with spouses who don’t die fall in love with other people all the time. And believe it or not, that sometimes happen to people who love their spouses dearly. Yes, you can love your spouse AND someone else. Happens all the time.
I have lost two brothers, and countless friends to AIDS and will never stop grieving them. But pain turns out to be more finite than love. You can only feel so much before a deep defense mechanism takes over if only to allow you to function. The wound, however gaping, starts to scar.
Losing a spouse, or worse, a child, can be like getting your hand chopped off. It will never grow back. But you do learn out to operate without it, and your other hand gets that much stronger because it has no choice. Patton has a daughter, I believe –and being father and mother to her surely made an extraordinary man that much more so. Someone noticed, How beautiful that he was able to respond.
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Very well said. Erica. As a widower (my least favorite word) of 3 years after being married for over 30 years I can honestly say I’m very happy for Patton Oswalt and anyone else who is able to be blessed enough to find love again. No one else knows the grief that each person experiences going through what we are going through and that we will always carry with us. There is only one person who can judge whether they are ready for this step in their journey. I celebrate his happiness!
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Also meant to mention this wonderful lady who has experienced losing her husband suddenly and tragically. Reading her wise words has helped me a lot and I highly recommend her to anyone who has experienced loss of a loved one, particularly a spouse.
https://www.facebook.com/OneFitWidow/
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This entry showed up on my Facebook via a repost of the comment from the Patton Oswalt. I thought, wait is that the Erica I read? Your words reached their target and so many more. Thank you for including us on your journey. ❤️
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Brava!!!!
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Such a great post. Powerful. Thanks for representing what so many widows want and need to say. Love it.
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20-ish years ago my organisation at the time, lost a DEAR man and contractor. He and his wife were that sickening couple, with 5 girls all under the age of 8, who still made goo-goo eyes at each other (they were in their 40’s), you wanted to gag every time you saw them. And we ADORED them for making us so jealous.
He went flying in his little plane one weekend with a friend, and had a heart attack in the air. By the time his friend landed the plane and EMS met them, it was too late. He was gone. We were all devastated.
His ramrod and best friend took over the all the dailies they had handled as a couple, and they comforted each other through this horrible tragedy.
8 months later, they shyly informed us, that they were getting engaged, and they felt horrible and that it was too soon and were embarassed, but wanted all of us to know.
None of us were shocked or surprised, since we had known both of them for the same amount of time, they were both amazing people, and we had gossiped about them at our office, because we were all seeing them together at the office, job-sites, etc.
When they finished their, head hung and quiet announcement in the meeting they had called, without exception we all clapped, cheered and laughed. Through the hugs, hand-shakes and claps on the back, they heard the exclamations of, “We wondered when you were going to announce it,” and “We’ve been noticing for a while and couldn’t be happier,” and “You guys are SO right together.”
They had a quiet reception//party at our offices.
Love. TRUE LOVE, has no time limit or expiration. It happens when it happens.
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I love this story and truly applaud your open mindedness!
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Great perspective. (Psst…it’s *disdain*…easily confused)
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Thank you! I am fortunate enough to have been married to the same, wonderful, woman for 26 years this year. My love for her continually grows day after day, so i can only imagine your pain. And that of Patton Oswalt. I congratulate him on finding someone new to expand hia heart and share his life with going forward. I will also keep you in my prayers, that the Lord’s will, will guide you through your continuing journey, for His glory, no matter where it takes you.
Thank you for calling these people out, because it is absolutely none of their business
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Thank you Erica for sharing your story. After my husband died, a phrase that I read in a book about how to deal with the death of a spouse stuck with me. The gist was that, when a marriage ends in a divorce, there was a choice made by at least one party. When a spouse dies, there is no choice. As a consequence, we widows are not bitter; we still believe in love.
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A-freakin’-men! Life has to go on or you die. Everyone processes grief at her or his own pace, a process which is nobody else’s damned business.
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I, too, was widowed! At 29 years of age with a 4&1/2 month old baby girl. THAT was in June of 1988. I’m happily remarried(for 25 years)but agree with Erica. My heart HAS expanded! AND I still shed tears occasionally when I remember my late husband! So correct; WE are not the judge!! Plus there’s the old ‘walk a mile in MY shoes’! Congratulations, Patton, on your engagement!!!
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A beautiful and true piece.
My friend was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed very young. Their baby was going to be 6 mos old the next day. Instead, she had to witness the horror of seeing him in the ER, filling out a death certificate, and how to possibly go home. She worked hard to figure out where she would go and how she and her daughter could live alone. Slowly she crawled back and began to live. She focused on living her dreams and documenting it all so their daughter would know who her father was, and how her mother acted after his death. Her strength was amazing.
She found love again within a year.
Many people turned on her. I told her that finding love once in your life is incredible. Finding love AGAIN is a miracle. I assured her that NO ONE should allow her to feel guilt for being in love, or to not be with this man who deeply understood and supported her in her grief. She felt loved and safe with him. She felt her daughter was loved and safe.
I was thrilled and uneasy about it all. But I only shared the thrilled part with her. My biggest fear was that she would remain alone and in love with a ghost. And I knew for sure I couldn’t imagine what she had gone though. So I remained determined to support her no matter what happened.
They are now married and have a son. She went from being unable to feel anything to blossoming into a new life. It wasn’t easy. But she embraces every day and every moment of joy in a way most people will never understand.
She has shared her life and helped countless others. She managed to walk through horror and into a new life – a new way of thinking and living. She has remained close to his parents and they see their granddaughter regularly. Her heart expanded, just as you so beautifully explained. Just as she loves her new baby, she will always love the husband she lost. She will always see him in her daughter’s eyes.
I’m thrilled for Patton Oswalt. I hope you find love again. You deserve every bit of joy and happiness you can find.
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Way to go, this needed to be said. I too am a widower and about 700 days after my wife passed I fell in love again as well. We get married next month. Even in my case there was some apprehension. I even found apprehension among those who were trying to push me to get on with my life. Those treatment of him is deplorable. I, for one, am glad he found happiness. Good for him. Thank you so much for writing this.
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Nobody can judge the grief or the grieving process. Nobody. Not the person experiencing it, they’re just trying to cope with it all. Not the friends and relatives, and certainly not strangers, they literally can’t know. Even if you have been through your own loss, you still can’t know. Each loss is different, each grieving is its own experience.
My husband’s first wife was seven years in the dying process, diagnosed with terminal cancer. She managed to hang on until her youngest was married. A couple months later, she was gone. During that time, her spouse stood by her side, even though the marriage was rocky before her diagnosis. For seven years he grieved with her as her painful journey continued.
I knew both of them from a social sporting venue. Everyone always asked how she was. I was one of the few to ask him how he was coping.
After she passed away, I made sure to include him in my social group’s activities. If he didn’t want to join us, there was no pressure, but I made sure he felt welcome.
A few months, five to be exact, he asked me to dinner. I accepted. People were shocked, appalled, and very vocal to criticize both of us for the timing of our relationship. When you throw in a three decade age difference, we went through hell.
Now, nearly thirty years later, we have the perspective to see that the detractors were trying to process their grief through their own social filters. They may have disagreed with us and our actions, but all that didn’t matter one bit. I did not replace his first wife, but I did join my heart to his for a wonderful journey of love and loyalty.
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