Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
I am a hospice nurse, and have a lot of experience with the time leading up to and right after a loss like this. I have also seen some of my young widowed families in the months and years following. Fact of the matter is, this is totally and completely normal. How long we grieve, how we grieve, and our tolerance for life without companionship is extremely individual. Creating a brand new relationship after the death of a beloved spouse is extremely challenging, and needs either encouragement and support or respectful silence.
Finding someone willing to take that on is a blessing, and I wish them both the best in forging ahead and making something new and theirs.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Completely on point! I was widowed September 17, 2015. Met a man online in a group for widows and widowers. We have been happily married for 9 months. You are absolutely correct, the heart does expand and until you have walked this particular path no one can understand. And never ever does anyone have the right to pass judgement on when or if a widow/widower chooses to enter a new relationship. I encourage all those widows I know to believe that life can be beautiful again. Both relationships can coexist beautifully, the new one doesn’t replace the last, it is beautiful in its own right. I hope at some point you find love again, sometimes it happens when you least expect it. Cheers!!
LikeLiked by 4 people
This was phenomenal. I wish you all the best, and Patton as well.
LikeLiked by 3 people
June 23 was 21 years for me. We had been married almost 19 years; it was 3 weeks before my 40th birthday. People expected me to marry a man I became friends with. We did spend a lot of time together and eventually the relationship became affectionate, but it was never a love affair. At 51 I married a man I had known for 9 months and next week we celebrate 10 years together. There are worse things than being alone, and I cherish my 11 years single. I’m forever grateful for two good men I’ve called husband. Throughout this Bible verse has kept me together, Philippians 4:19. ” My God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
LikeLiked by 3 people
My husband passed away suddenly 3 days after his 50th birthday almost 4 years ago. Some days it feels like a lifetime ago and other days not so much. It does take courage to keep on going. I would love to find someone else to love and have in my life. I would welcome it and fear it at the same time. I still feel like I am just going through the motions of my life most days. No one knows what it is like until it happens to them. Love and Light to us all.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Good for you Erica and Good for Patton. It’s no one’s business. I read some hurtful things about his engagement from judgemental people and I’m proud to say I wasn’t one of them. I read about his pain and it was obvious he loved his wife. He probably never thought he’d love again. I pray that he and Meredith are forever happy.
I’ve never been married and I have no idea what I would do in your position. When love comes to us we need to grasp it and appreciate it. As it’s been proven, tomorrow isn’t promised so go for it!
Whenever your ready to marry I pray for your eternal happiness as well.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you! I lost my husband to cancer and became a widow at age 39 with a one and three year old child (now two great girls of 20 and 23). It took five years for me to remove my wedding ring. Interestingly, I feel judged in a very different way. For years people kept asking me the same question over and over again… “why didn’t you remarry?” And they still ask me! The other side of the coin.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well said!
LikeLiked by 2 people
What kind of asshole even describes something like what he’s done/been through as “dining out on his grief”?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Erica, I am in complete agreement with what you have written. Whilst I am not a widow, no-one should be denied the opportunity to love again and be loved by someone else if they have tragically lost the one that they originally loved. It is completely unreasonable for people to set a time limit for the grieving period as to when you should date again and none of their business either. A new partner will not erase the feelings for the past partner, if anything the relationship will help to make them stronger moving on, while developing new different feelings for their current partner. People have no right to take that away from Patton (or anyone else for that matter), he deserves to find new happiness, while remembering his wife as the great woman that she was. I’m sick of people being so judgmental when they have no right to deny love and happiness to others simply because of their prejudices and opinions. Thank you for writing this and for supporting people in Patton’s and your situation too.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Bravo….I wish you an expansion of your own. I have only been a witness to the grief you so clearly define. I can only imagine the absolute heart break and sadness. I wish you well on whatever journey is before you and thanks for calling out the @ssholes who have far too much time on their hands worrying about the love life of people they don’t personally know.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for writing the truth. I am the “new” wife of a widower who loved his wife deeply. Love doesn’t end at death, or when the widow marries again. It expands. I’m living with a man who’s heart is big enough to love both his late wife and me.
LikeLiked by 3 people
This might be a bit long, just hang on;
My father died when I was 10. My brother was 5 at the time. It was life changing but it wasn’t much of traumatizing for me, at least I don’t think so. Facing death of a family member, father above all, made me question life and death at an early age and the understanding I had from it has a big part in the man I am today. What me and my mother both saw on my brother was longing for a father figure more than anything. I guess it impacted his life more in a negative way with respect to my life since he was only 5 when my dad died.
But it was my mother who suffered the worst of it, and I saw everything first-hand. It’s been more than 20 years, and I asked my mother a couple months ago why she keeps her wedding picture on the bottom shelf, kinda looking hidden. She said she doesn’t wanna see it, with a humorous anger voice. I saw the pain in her eyes. My mother never married again. Partly because most men around his age in these parts are just looking for a maid which they can have sex with from time to time. But mostly, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. From rare and not-so-clear conversations we had, after losing the person she planned to spend her life with, she just couldn’t bring herself to see someone else in that position. So she just devoted herself to me and my brother. And today, I can still see the pain in her face every time it comes to my dad. She smiles, she feel the joy of the happy memories, she laughs even, but you also see the pain coming right after the joy.
So, as a habit from the days after I lost my father, I think about my life, my future, and I try to put myself in the same situation. Having someone in your life that just thinking about him/her making your day brighter. Someone who simply smiles, laughs and you feel like you see heaven. Becoming a family and becoming like just 1 person, sharing everything, knowing everything about each other and still feel happy just with a smile, a sweet compliment, or simply by feeling his/her warmth right beside you. The little things becoming the pillars of your life, then losing him/her. Maybe suddenly and unexpected, or maybe from a long illness, in the end I don’t see much difference. And when I think about not seeing for the rest of my life the way she looks at me, that spark in her eyes… Just thinking about it gives me an ache in my gut like I swallowed rocks, I can’t even imagine how I would feel in your position or my mother’s. Now, anyone might say “I hope I never go through something like that”, but I’m not gonna. Now I think about it, everybody dies and one will always go first. The gap might be 10 seconds or 50 years, one will always go first. And after things I’ve learned from a son’s perspective, I would never ever want to see my better half living through that. If I would have a choice and one of us must go so early, I would give everything I have, my skills, my legs my eyes, anything I can think of to live through that hell instead of her. Now I understand the things my father told my mother and some close relatives when he was sick and thinking he would die. Maybe I see it that way because I’m a man but just think about it. If it HAS to happen, I would rather have the hell part than letting her take it. Of course we don’t have a say in it but I don’t know, maybe thinking that way would give some comfort.
So what if my mother would marry again? Maybe now, many years later, or maybe like him a year later, maybe a month later. You know what, loving someone actually has nothing to do with that someone. It comes from the person who loves. You can love anyone because YOU can love anyone, and when you really love someone it is not because of what he/she has but because of what you see in him/her. So is it really too hard to understand that a person can have more than 1 special place in his/her heart? I mean, after so much pain and suffering, having someone in your life who just does everything to comfort you and make you smile again, wouldn’t it be a nice thing? Like you said, why it must be seen like a ‘replacement’, or a phase? If there is someone who can share your life after you found yourself alone in the world all of a sudden, why wouldn’t you love someone like that and give something to him/her from your heart too… I really would like my mother to have someone like that in her life, and it wouldn’t matter at all when.
However, when I put myself in that place again, I really don’t think I would love someone else ever again, but it is completely about me. Thinking about break-ups, it is like losing the connection between the person you loved and the image of him/her in your head. So when you break up with someone, you actually grieve after the death of that character in your head along with your love. So it is like a grief process when you break up but you actually lose the love itself. You just put the memories in the closet and move on, easy or hard, you just move on with an empty space in your heart. But losing someone you love, what I see from an outsider’s eyes is that the memories are right in there with the love you had, and that love never dies. So thinking like this, imagining yourself with someone else than your better half, loving him/her and sharing your life with him/her seem so impossible, and unimaginable. And I think most of the responses like the ones you shared here come from this feeling. Also, from the way they write, I think they try to say they simply don’t understand, rather than judging people. I mean of course, there are some better-than-thou know-it-all judgemental pricks, however I feel that most of the commentors just try to say they can’t imagine such a thing. So it is understandable that you take it personal when someone talks like that and defend yourself with your whole heart, but really, don’t take it personal. It is a really really hard thing to imagine even for someone of a close observer like me. I believe your article here is a really good explanation for people with a question mark, just don’t think people judge someone in your position and upset yourself. we really don’t know and most of us not judging.
Be safe, be happy, and know that you and your family are in our hearts.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I too felt like raining down fire on the comment stream! Consider that there are 1,000 wrong things to say to a grieving person, and that many well intentioned folks will say 990 of them, it still hurts. And while many of us who have walked the path learn to ignore such, its always seems to pop up right around the corner. As widowers and widows… how much garbage are we supposed to put up with to protect the sensitive nature of the masses…. maybe a little bit of fire is needed to get people thinking. For that, I’m glad Erica did take a personal and started some fire
I’m glad Erica wrote this, and I appreciate your, Linean comment too… No one can truly understand the difference between pre and post widowhood until they’ve walked it, but I think the logic of your reasoning may serve to open some doors toward at least a bit of understanding.
LikeLiked by 2 people
What a well thought out and heartfelt response. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.
LikeLiked by 3 people
THANK YOU! I’m a 41 year old widow of a little more than a year who recently found love with a widower I met in my bereavement group. I was terrified of telling anyone – for fear that I would be judged as these folks judged Patton Oswalt. But I realized last night that loving again – as you’ve said – is a huge thing after losing someone. To even know you are capable of it is huge.
I struggle most now with the fear of loss – when someone is taken too soon – how can you not worry it will happen again. How do you find comfort in loving with that fear hanging over you? I don’t know how, but I’m going to give it a go. My heart has expanded.
Thank you again for your words!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you for this. I lost my husband of 27 years unexpectedly on April 29, 2016. Although I’m no where near ready to date or whatever it is you do these days, I worry so much what other people will think of me if I do meet someone.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve made it through five years since my husband of 42 years passed away and I’m doing remarkably well. Yet, only in the last year have I felt ready to date. I still haven’t had any real romantic feelings for the two or three guys I’ve been out with. Whatever your circumstances, I think the only way to do this grieving process is at your own pace. And to hell with what anybody else thinks about YOUR process! It’s truly none of their damn business! My condolences for your loss and my best wishes for your future happiness.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I can’t begin to image the pain faced by a widower or widower. I’ve told my wife that, if I die before her, I hope she remarries. She is a wonderful woman who deserves someone who would love her as much as I do. I would never want her to spend the rest of her life alone or to miss out on someone because of some arbitrary length of time where she’s afraid to date because some might feel it’s too soon after my passing. If anyone didn’t like it, I’ve encouraged her to send them to the cemetery, dig up my body and kiss my butt.
LikeLiked by 6 people
Mike, you have no idea the gift you give your wife when you tell her it’s okay to love again. My Tony said it over & over, and how odd that it actually happened. But I know he meant it, and our relationship was so good & strong. I think saying (and meaning) that is a sign of selfless love.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Beautiful. I know it’s not the same, but I felt similarly when having my rainbow baby. The love I have for him is an expansion, it does not replace my son who was stillborn. 💗 And I felt that many people thought it did. Or should.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hello! Not a widow and never been married. But my uncle died almost three years ago after a long and very painful battle with cancer. It broke all of our hearts and my aunt became a 49 yr old widow with a huge hole in her life after taking care of my uncle 24/7 for years. About a year later she found a parter and She now lives with him. Sure, it was a bit hard at first seeing somebody else instead of him but it was because we missed him so much. Not because she had replaced him.
I think what people don’t understand is that when widow/ers “move on” they still get to love both partners. It’s not like you got divorced and all of a sudden you have to disconnect your feelings from somebody before you can begin a new relationship.
I’m happy for Patton like I am happy for my aunt who not only has the memories of the wonderful life she had with my uncle but now she has a partner to share the rest of her hopefully very long life with.
Wish You the best.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Bravo– to me I fee like being a young widow (a month shy of 34 when my husband of 15 years passed away suddenly and 2 months after my cousin became a widow not so suddenly as her husband was given 6 months to live 10 years before) taught me to remember not a one of us is promised tomorrow. If your heart is ready to move forward then why wait.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh my goodness. A friend shared your blog with me, and I absolutely had to jump in. My husband, Tony, died on 6/14/2015 at age 38. Tony and I were high school sweethearts, absolute best friends, and had the kind of relationship our friends always said they wished they could find. Tony and I did not have human kids, but we had a fur baby named Dolce who was the apple of our eyes. That Sunday, the three of us decided to spend the day taking a drive, checking out a nearby vineyard, and just relaxing. It was hot in Texas in June, and Dolce had knee surgery the previous October. Dolce is a bulldog who absolutely LOVES the water. So, we stopped by a creek to let her play since she was finally off restriction. The three of us were splashing in the river together, the water just below our knees. Suddenly, I heard Tony cry out, “Dolce!” I turned around just in time to see the current sweep her under. Tony, fearful she would be caught under the culvert, went in to save her. About 15 seconds after Tony went in, Dolce came out! I was thrilled and relieved. But Tony was kicking and fighting with the upper half of his body inside the culvert. I was pulling his ankles and yelling for him that Dolce was out and that he needed to get out of the water. About 30 seconds after that, I must have screamed and then realized I needed help. I ran back to the car for my phone and dialed 9-1-1. The reason I think I screamed is because we were all alone in the river, and a neighbor had already called upon hearing me scream. It took 12 men and 3.5 hours to free Tony’s body from the river that day. The shock, hurt, and sense of failure were overwhelming. I felt as though, had I been physically stronger, smarter, more resourceful, I could have saved him. It’s taken many people explaining the physics and deceptions of water for me to realize that I simply could not have saved his life that day. After that, life was a blur. Dolce & I moved back closer to friends and family and to escape the memories of our newly-built dream home, just four months old. Oh, Erica, I had it all “math’ed” out: what prescription cocktail I could take and how much when it was just TOO much for me to go on. I bobbled through those days and weeks just trying to busy myself; trying to figure out how the hell I was supposed to become Dory, instead of Tony and Dory. Two months later, still just busying myself with anything and everything, I decided to go to a baseball game…by myself. I wound up with a really good seat next to a stranger, who was also solo. Well, as people do, we struck up a bit of small talk. We had lots of things in common, and we both started discussing how we came to be at a baseball game, each alone. I told my story, and he told his (bad breakup). The next thing he did was ask me my sign. Okay, cheesy pickup line, right? But no, now that i really know him, it was a genuine question. Turns out, his birthday is the same day (not year) as Tony’s. I made him show me his driver’s license to prove it. Well, we struck up a true, genuine friendship that day. Over the course of several more months, we were spending more and more time together. We both agreed we were not ready for a new relationship, but eventually, that changed. We got engaged November of 2016, 17 months after I lost T. We will be getting married in September. Tony’s family has almost zero communication with me , after being “family” for over 20 years. Several of Tony’s friends have judged me very harshly. Your defense of Patton Oswalt is so exceptionally thoughtful and well-written, and I am so glad to hear it. People simply cannot understand what this feels like. Your characterization of everyone going home to their spouse is spot-on. I recall saying to my mother about 10 days after Tony’s death, “I want my life back.” To which she responded, “I know, Honey. Soon, all these guests will be gone and you’ll have peace and quiet.” To which I replied, “No, Mom, I want MY life back, the way I knew it. I will NEVER get to recover MY life the way it was.”
Anyway, I am so sorry to blow up your feed and probably no one will even read this, but thank you for letting me write it and read your exceptional work.
LikeLiked by 7 people
Thank you for sharing this. I was very moved by it. I too lost my partner, and your story was shocking in both its vividness and familiarity.
LikeLiked by 2 people
(((Dory))), I read your post. So heartfelt, and beautifully written. I hope you have MANY happy years with your second husband. So wrong for others to be less than accepting. Some people have no empathy whatsover. Sad, really.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Loved your story!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dory – I wish you and your fiance the best wedding possible and a long happy, healthy life together. Just a thought…communicating with you may be painful to Tony’s family and friends….it’s still shitty but it was just a thought I had. You are likely a reminder of what they have lost and sadly some people can’t see past themselves….or they could just be thoughtless jerks. Either way I’m glad you’re expanding. XO, Bryce
LikeLiked by 1 person
This was lovely. I hope one day your heart expands to accommodate another. I can’t imagine your pain.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Just read your post on P. Oswald. Also read the brief blog entry about your personal experience. I am a widow er who has not found need for an addition to my heart. Should the occasion arise for such addition I will welcome it. Mr Oswald is lucky and I cheer his good fortune. Erica, perhaps your future will include additions to your heart. It is already sizable and strong.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank You! So we’ll said! And congrats to Patton in his engagement!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well said.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I never post replies to things I read but for this I will make a special exception. After reading Patton Oswalt’s post and the absolutely ignorant and asinine replies these small minded simpletons have left, I sit here now, tears streaming down my face not only in sadness, but in anger. Anger towards those who could judge so quick as if they’d walked a mile in his shoes. It is not often that I think of my mother as her death left such a void in our lives. She died at the age of 48, pancreatic cancer, which we all know there is no survival. She and my father, who was also 48, had been together since highschool. A love story for all time. I had the distinct privlidge to be her caregiver, advocare, and hospice nurse. The care I gave her does not compare to the wisdom she imparted to me as she was dying. I would like to share with you what she shared with me as it gives the perspective from the spouse that’s dying. Three days before she died she called for me in the middle of the night. She was sleeping in a hospital bed in our family room, hooked up to her IV pole. She hadn’t been really lucid as she was on constant morphine to manage her pain. When I walked in the room she was sitting straight up and was completely lucid as if nothing was going on. Here is what she said, “Christi, I know this will be hard for you to understand right now, but I want you to listen with an open heart. I have to go soon and you father will be left alone. My hope is that he finds someome to love again, as quickly as he can. He deserves to have someome to love and someone who loves him in return. I don’t want him to be alone. He’s still young and has an entire lifetime to go. When he finds someome please remember to support him no matter how quickly he does. Your dad finding someone doesn’t mean that he doesnt love me, it means that he can love another too. I need you to be ok with this and welcome her. She could never replace me, however, she can be your friend. Go to bed now, I love you.” Three months after her death my father found someone, who we welcomed with open arms and she has been a part of our lives ever since my mother’s death in 1997. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for her. How can a dying woman have the grace to give so selflessly while these trolls lay judggement. To those who pass judgement, I pray you never have to walk in a widow’s shoes. You’ll then understand what it feels like to cry and no sound comes out, as it’s as if someome has punched you in the gut so hard you are doubled over and can you barely catch your breath. To Erica and every other widow, I wish there were words of comfort I could give to you, however, there are none. All I can say is that you’ve been robbed and cheated. My hope for you is that you can heal enough to let another in whenever you’re ready. ❤️
LikeLiked by 4 people
Your mother was a selfless and very wise woman. As the saying goes “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. :~)
LikeLiked by 2 people
As a retired therapist, I can tell you that the grief and loss process completely differs, in depth and duration, for everyone. Judging it is stupid. Now, some do jump into another relationship to ease the pain and create a diversion, those are bad reasons and often impulsive. Those relationships rarely last. I can only hope Patton is making an intelligent, not emotional decision. I wish him well.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you for addressing judgement without dismissing the possibility that someone might rush into a new relationship for the wrong reasons thus also addressing those who were concerned and expressing inability to understand. It was wrong for people to judge him but it is equally wrong for people on the other side to respond in judgement. Love the post
LikeLiked by 2 people
Grief is deeply personal. Thank you for putting this concept in such powerfully elegant words.
I encourage all of you widows and widowers commenting to check out the podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, and join the producer’s “Hot Young Widow’s Club” (note: you neither have to be hot nor young to join 😉).
LikeLiked by 4 people
Reblogged this on robinstl.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well said. Nothing more I can add.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wow! This is also applicable to those who’ve suffered from divorce & comments from others that ensue when dating again. Thank you Erica for articulating the visceral wounds inflicted by “well meaning” indivuals.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I cannot thank you enough for writing this post! My mom died suddenly two years ago and it’s been so painful watching my dad assume his new role as widower. I really hope that he finds love again. He’s so lonely and it breaks my heart.
LikeLiked by 2 people
My girlfriend, my best freind, is a widow. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know her deceased husband will always be part of her and part of our relationship. I am grateful to her for her courage (because, yes, she is very aware that someday one of us *will* die) and I am grateful that they had a loving relationship too, because it helped to make her the amazing human being that I love.
It is difficult for people outside of a relationship with a widow to understand the mixed emotions that come with entering another relationship. It’s odd how I’ve come to know her husband, and I feel privileged to be allowed into her heart and her life.
Thank you.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Warren, I posted a very long note about my experience with my deceased husband, as well as a bit about my fiancé. What I didn’t say is that it takes a special person to love someone who’s lost a spouse. Kudos to you for understanding that a widow/er will never let go. It should be a reminder of how hard we love widow/ers and how loyal we are.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Let’s not blame the Victorians. There were no restrictions on when men could remarry, especially if there were young children. They were known to remarry within weeks. Middle- and upper-class women, while they were expected to remain in mourning for 2 years, often remarried within months, for the same reason. I’ve heard that there were even “mourning wedding dresses.” Jewish law requires a widow to wait 90 days, so that there would be no question of paternity if she were pregnant.
It is our modern idea of the “soul mate” that is responsible for the attitude that the bereaved must be absolutely inconsolable for years on end.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Erica,
That was the most masterfully crafted, heart felt, dead nuts, on point response I have every read to the ignorance of our society.
So many people have no empathy or no desire to even attempt to understand life after death.
I, too, lost my spouse Feb. 1, 2011 after 10 years of blissful marriage. I was in tears reading your response to my new spouse, my loving new chapter. I am also one of the blessed and few who have been lucky enough to find another partner with whom I can share the changed, expanded me.
Thanks for standing up so brilliantly and eloquently for Patton and all of us who have lost and dare to love again!!
Keep your head up and your heart open.
Andrea
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you for this, for all survivors’ sakes. I’m a 42 yr old widower, my wife’s sole caregiver for the last 7 yrs of her life, when that life was snuffed out suddenly by an related illness. I have literally wanted to strangle Patton’s critics at times, but you said it so much better than I ever could have. Thank you and I wish you all the strength in the world.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have to say, when it comes to losing a partner, I have been one of those dissenters that find it difficult to cope with ANYONE moving on so soon. It seems like only yesterday Patton Oswalt lost his wife. It is a personal tragedy. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of grief someone could feel at the loss of a lifelong partner.
When I just broke up with my long time girlfriend, I did not date again for another five years. That does not mean I did not see other people or become a reclouse. I shared love and it was lost. But this does not begin to compare to what you or Patton suffered. I can’t imagine how I would feel, or what my recouping process would be.
I have known others who have lost their spouses and have moved on, about a year’s time later. I am NOT a philanderer, and have always felt that when they move on so quickly, then it must mean that they must have had their second interest on the side. But having known these people for so long, it highly seems unlikely. This particular scenario most likely may not play out as often.
The manner in which you articulate your disdain towards people like me is quite astute and well articulated. I do not know, and can’t imagine, what you have gone through in your minds and in your hearts. Not a few hours ago, I was expressing to my wife how utterly against Patton’s actions I was. However against I have been, throughout my life, against moving on so quickly, your blog post, in the five minutes it took to read, thoroughly changed my point of view. No, this is not a joke or sarcasm.
I have expressed to my wife, several times in the past, that if I am to die before she does, I want her to move on and find new love. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry for Patton’s loss. Thank you for your compassion, empathy, and patience to explain to everyone, in such a beautiful way, how someone who has faced such a loss may expand their hearts to fit in new love. This does not mean they love their ex-spouse any less,\
Thank you.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I don’t know your pain, and I hope I never do. But I can say that you kick some serious ass. I can’t imagine your journey, but I’m happy it hasn’t stolen your voice.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Today marks the 6 month anniversary of my husbands passing. We were blessed with 37 years together 20 we were not supposed to have according to the Drs. The last 2 months of his life we had the most incredible hospice nurse and i remember asking her how you go on and love again (she had remarried 3 years after her husband passing) her answer to me was that because we know what loss is we are much quicker to embrace love again. While I’m not planning on getting married again I will not rule it out. To those who are judging Mr. Oswald for embracing life and love I say f**k you you have no right until you’ve walked in our shoes. It takes courage to embrace love again because we know better than anyone that we might lose them.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ve been widowed for 15 years this week. Dated a woman seriously after 13 months for about 5 years. Couldn’t commit because all successful marriages end in death. I wish I had.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hope you can forgive yourself for missing that opportunity some 10 years ago and open your heart again. My condolences and best wishes for your current and future happiness. Linda
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for writing this. Your words are spot on and perfect! I was widowed at 36 with 2 children to continue to raise. I did find love again and remarried and was judged and questioned. You wrote exactly what I tried to articulate to everyone with negative comments. God bless you and your family!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Those who have never lose a love one, i lost my daughter in 2013, she left her 8 year old son which i am raising, have the opinion of how long you must greif. But there is no timeline. And to find someone to love as much as your husband or wife, which no mater how long they have been gone, you will always love, is wonderful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dear Erica, thank you for the way you were able to articulate this. I have been feeling nothing but indignant rage on his behalf at all the comments since the news was announced. My first spouse did not die, he abandoned me completely to the point where I do not know if he is alive, after I refused to abort our son. What really pisses me off about the backlash against widows and widowers finding love again so quickly is that I received the complete opposite reaction. Everyone I knew wanted me to start dating again immediately so I could find a replacement parent for my son. No one blinked an eye when I got married again within two years. I hate the double standard that divorced or abandoned spouses should look for new love immediately, but widows must be forever chained to the dead. I hope you find love again when your heart is ready.
LikeLiked by 4 people
Thank you for your post. I felt the same as you when I read those comments. I think it is wonderful when people find someone to love. I hope you find someone to walk beside you in life.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dear Erica: First, I am so sorry for your sudden, devastating loss. Your eloquence here is exceeded only by the deep truth of your words. Have humans always been so quick to indulge in schadenfreude and so reluctant to relinquish it when they perceive that the circumstances no longer justify it? What a sad commentary on our un-evolved species. But you–you–are fully evolved. Thank you; so beautiful.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I say how wonderful for Mr Patton! Moving on is a very personal thing. I just remarried on July 1, 2017 after losing my husband of 24 years suddenly. We dated for almost two years. Encore getting engaged. At first I worried what other people might think, but I decided that when you are loved well and have no regrets loving again is easier. I will forever love my first husband he gave me 2 incredible children and they were up front with me and my new husband happy to see their mom happy. So I say CONGRATULATIONS to them both, it is such a soul saver to find not a replacement love but another love to continue on the next journey. As for the people that are condemning them, until you are where his you have no idea how it feels…so back off.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Great to see there are still humans who are emphatic, who genuinely care.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have a great respect and appreciation of your story. It is a terrible loss, the loss of a spouse, and never fully heals. But through the passage of time and the compassion of friends it can be recovered from.
Sometimes even to rediscover the love for and by another.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Erica!!! Well said!!
LikeLiked by 2 people