Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
All of those commenters should be awarded “Dr. of Auto-Proctology” certificates.
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Wow. Thank you for this.
A dear friend of mine died last Fall after a 25 year battle with brain cancer. Her husband was a part of that for 20 of those years.
6 months later, he posted a picture of himself and the “love of his life” as they were leaving for a trip around the country in his new convertable. I was stunned. 6 months. ??!!
Immediately I realized it was none of my business, and, knowing my friend, she probably encouraged him to live his life after she was gone. It still made me incredibly sad for a few days.
I didn’t say a word.
Your article helped me see things from his point of view. Thank you for that.
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Well said Erica. Good Luck to you & Patton !!!
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So true. The pain and grief doesn’t stop, the love for them is never replaced. Sometimes
To heal it takes a new love to come and show not all love within you has been lost not all doors were closed that the few love you had is still there and can still exist with another too in tandem and yet still different and all together both amazing. I pray that comes to me but I am So happy for those who have lost their loves but found love again. It’s not easy and it’s full of emotional battles no one will ever understand unless they have been there.
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Amen to a sistah traveler who knows the cost of love and loss. I am a twice-blessed widow who knows of your truths. God bless.
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Great post, Erica. My wife died in 2010, and I am engaged to be married later this year. We all deserve to be happy in our relationships. Here is what I sent to Mr. Oswalt via Facebook, “I know you have been getting some flak from widows and widowers about your recent engagement, and some congratulations as well, so I want to add, as a widower who is also engaged to be married later this year, my own congratulations. Blessings to you.”
Blessings to you as well, Erica.
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I loved this. I had NO idea Patton Oswald’s wife had even died! This caught my attention when one of my friends on Facebook had shared it who had lost their husband at an extremely young age. It genuinely is one of my biggest fears. How ANYONE can pick themselves up after losing their love and best friend is the epitome of courage to me. My name is Mae and I loved everything about this! I look forward to reading more of your pieces!
My page is http://www.maehagan.com if you ever want to stop on by.
I salute you. It takes genuine courage to go through what you did.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
When my Momma was 42, my Daddy, who was 49 and schizophrenic, killed himself. My dad couldn’t help he had an illness, like diabetes or heart disease; his was a chemical imbalance in his brain.
Three years after Daddy died, Momma asked me if it would be okay with me if she decided to go on a date.
I told her, “Momma, Daddy’s gone and I don’t think he’s coming back. You deserve some happiness.”
There is only one guideline for the spouse left behind: only you can know when you’re ready to share time with another person. Ignore the naysayers; they’re not living your life. You are! Take care.
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I agree that grief is one of those things that isn’t up for debate. In my case, it’s a strong aversion to funerals that draws judgment. I avoid funerals not because I don’t care about the deceased but because public mourning is not something I’m comfortable with…at all. If YOU need to see a person in a casket, sing sad songs & cry publicly to achieve peace & closure, have at it. But not everyone works that way. I prefer to remember the person through photos, videos & stories from when they were alive. That shouldn’t be seen as disrespectful but it often is.
A second cousin of mine died horribly from pancreatic cancer, and I watched his wife suffer right along with him. They’re both incredibly sweet people, dedicated to church & family. She already had a history of mental illness & trauma so losing him seemed so unfair. She remarried a year after his passing. Her new husband is also a widower so they have that in common. I couldn’t be happier for them.
I know another woman who lost her husband in a car accident over 40 years ago and never remarried or even dated anyone. (Granted, she’s not a very pleasant person to be around, which I suspect may be partially due to unprocessed grief & raising all her grandkids alone). But that’s her choice.
The point is that both scenarios are perfectly normal and acceptable. You’re not dishonoring a loved one by remarrying/staying single or attending/skipping a funeral to mourn privately. EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY AND THAT’S OKAY.
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I saw this today, my wife passed today. Thank you.
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So sorry for your loss. Sorry doesn’t begin to describe how I feel for you. Be strong. I lost my husband 2 years ago yesterday and the hardest part is yet to come. Surround yourself with people that care and can help you through this. Talk, talk, talk to them. It is amazing how that is so very healing. I wish I had more suggestions but we all grieve differently. Just one day, one step at a time.
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I am so sorry for your loss.
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Really sorry to hear of your loss. Peace be with you.
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Thank you so much for this! I lost my husband on March 1, 2017 after a very aggressive and quick cancer. I am 42 and we have 2 children. I have learned that moment by moment we have to keep moving forward. That may include a new realtionship for me down the road. And it might not. But if it does I hope that others are supportive of my hapiness.
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From the daughter of a mother who died almost a year ago, this is so true. My father is slowly healing. Including taking off his wedding ring and moving her picture from some of the rooms. She was lost. He was not. It is responsible for the rest of us to remember it is time to allow him begin to have his life. She will always be part of it, (they were married for almost 60 years), but, he is the one who is here now. I will love him forever, or until God takes him home. But, until then, it is his time, his home and it is the time for us to assist him in cleaning part of it up as he cannot move everything he would like to do. I adore this article, because it is written, not only for those who have lost loved ones and wish to remarry, but those who are older and wish to move forward and to be allowed to be just themselves instead of part of a pair.
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Reblogged this on My Stream of Consciousness.
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I needed to read this right now in my life. I too had that uncomfortable judgement of Patton Oswald and it’s because my stepdad of 17 years died 6 months ago. I’m still grieving and my dad has started dating. He is grieving too- the loss of his husband being devastating and the 2 years of watching him die was torture. I haven’t understood how he could start to love again so soon just because I’m not ready. But you’re right; he still has his husband in his heart and his heart has grown to love another… just like he made room for 4 children and 4 grandchildren in that heart. Thank you. I am starting now to understand.
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As a young widow who was engaged 17 months after the loss of my husband, thank you for trying to understand, or at least accept. It’ll help your surviving dad and make your deceased father proud of the person he raised.
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Thank you for sharing your experience with the world! I believe that, all too often, love and obsession are mistaken for one another in our world. In cases like these, love means taking the time one needs to work through the grief and pain to come through stronger because of the bond of the lost loved one, and each person’s experience will be different from the next. I support you in your journey, however it may go, and I was very happy for Mr. Oswalt to have found love again.
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Very well said! I hope you find happiness again. God Bless.
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Nothing but pure, unadulterated wisdom written here. I was teary-eyed and filled with inspiration from how heartfelt it was.
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I am widowed this year. We were together 27 years, married almost 25. I am tired of crying. I don’t think I would ever do it but I have had the gun in my hand. This is the darkest place I’ve ever been. I know that my life before this is gone. If I live in the past I stay in the dark. I have chosen to live for the future. I have entered the dating world again and have meet someone I like and she likes me. I am aware of the judgemental eyes once I reveal this relationship. We are all different and we all deal with this pain in our own way. Thank you for saying what needed to be said.
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So glad you are still here-we need you. Wishing you every happiness, friend.
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This article was such a good read. I’m a widow now of 18 months plus and it is the hardest journey ever. My hubby of 21 1/2 years lost his battle to cancer 12/22/15 and my life forever changed. I thought I was more prepared as we had discussions but reality is you never are prepared. I never imagined being a widow at 48 with 3 teens but “God has a plan though I don’t understand!” Today in church I was encouraged as the preacher commented “it is alright to look in your rear view mirror (aka past) but just remember you aren’t going that way! Two songs that have really helped me are ①”Eye of the Storm” and “Let your heart beat again” you can find both in YouTube During our battle against cancer, I had a motto “Never Lose Hope…God’s Got This!”
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I’ve read this post a few times, and can totally relate to it. My husband and I were acquaintances before we started dating. A year into our relationship, he developed bladder cancer. Doctors thought that they had it cured after the first round of treatment, but it came back. So he went through more chemotherapy and surgeries, thought they got it, and he proposed. Then, after we were married, he died and had his calling hours 6 months to the day after we were married. I had the privilege to be his hospice care, his best friend, and his wife until the very end. Not a ‘normal’ marriage. It had been 3 years and 4 months, and I miss him like crazy every day…some days are much harder than others. I am open to trying to find love again, and thought I did, but the pressure he was under comparing himself to my late husband (which I did not…told him I love them both) was too much and he ended the relationship. Guess it wasn’t meant to be, but hope that I can find another love.
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Dear Erica: Kudos to you for writing this. I echo your thoughts that nobody who has not lived our horrific experience should judge. You and I have a similar tone in our writings. My site is running throughgrief.com. You might particularly enjoy my post “Shut the Fuck Up”. Search for it on my site. My warmest regards, Staci Ball
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It’s completely natural for a person who had a happy marriage to want to find a person to be happy with again. Especially if there is a child in the picture. The person who said “It’s none of my business and I’m glad they’re happy but…”should have put a full stop after “business”. Or just not said anything at all.
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Kudos to you, Erica! So well put and so well timed for Patton though it’s always timely to remind those not in a situation, that they have no right to judge those who are. It will be two years this year since I lost my husband and if someone who happens to hit the bar he set comes to my door, I’m finally ready to open it. The choice to date or not to date is up to no one but the people involved. Anyone who remotely cares about those people would not be commenting so cavalierly about something they no nothing about nor the pain that is lived every day. I hope whatever happens comes your way, you welcome with open arms.
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You’re right. No one can judge. Everyone deals differently. But don’t say “you don’t know how it feels…” Because some DO know how it feels. And don’t say “you’re not entitled to an opinion”. If that is the case, don’t put it out there on social media to be commented on.
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Brilliantly done. With your address, you had me at “You aren’t entitled to an opinion.” Thoughtful and thought provoking. Thank you for your words.
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This is great. I’d like to suggest a podcast to you that you might like and find solace in. It’s called Terrible, Thanks for Asking. By a widow about terrible things that happen and how people ask how you are, but don’t want an honest answer.
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Thank you. People need help understanding this. I am the one who came after. People judge. People are uncomfortable. People say unkind things. Every grief experience is different. Finding any kind of happiness after is a blessing and I hope you do!
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Thank you for this. I’m a couple years out and I hope that one day I not only have another chapter of love to celebrate, but that there are people as eloquent and insightful as you are to support me. Blessings to you and your babies.
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Thank you so much for this!! I lost my first wife suddenly 22 years ago this September. I saw the pain and the struggle that I went through mirrored in Patton Oswalt’s pain – from what he’s shared, their relationship also mirrored mine and my wife’s. I hadn’t heard about his being engaged until I came across this blog, but I felt the rage rising in me as I read those comments. You’re right, how dare they even think that they have any inkling of an idea what he is going through and when he is or isn’t ready to open up his heart again! Even now, 22 years later for me, having been remarried for 18 of those years, the pain is still tender at times; our daughter graduated college this year, from our alma mater, and just being there was painful. But that doesn’t preclude me from loving my current wife, and our two children. I love your metaphor, about how the heart expands…..it’s one of the best descriptions that I’ve heard. I’m wishing you peace and happiness and love in your journey to make sense of your life at this time. It’s a journey not a destination, and we all in this sad club need to stand together in support. Big hugs to you Erica!
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Erica, you said so much in this article and you are ever so right. Let me add to it, if I may. I can’t imagine the sudden loss of a spouse to death. However, imagine too, that you come home one day to be told by the woman you loved for over 32 years that she wanted a divorce. Just out of the blue she says she’d been unhappy for three years, yet continued to smile, laugh, enjoy a life of not having to work because you were successful. She sure as hell was happy to spend her leisure time spending the money you made so SHE could be with the children. So that SHE could pursue her hobbies and so that she could spend time doing whatever and possibly WHOEVER she wanted to do.
A dear friend who lost a spouse to sudden death actually told me she thought it was harder for me to get over my divorce because I had to still see my ex. I had to see her dating only two months after I moved out and to remarry when she said she didn’t want to be married any longer. We separated in October 2010, divorced on December 27, 2012 (two days after Christmas because she wanted to start the new year off fresh. Sure burned herself on that with taxes.)
I have gone much longer than I wanted, but my point is: LOSS OF A SPOUSE BY DIVORCE IS JUST AS PAINFUL AS LOSING ONE BY DEATH. In divorce, you always wonder why so many things; what if; and you ask so many questions of so many people and God. In the event of death, there are no what if’s and your only true questions are to God and not friends, loved ones and yourself.
Please, I do not belittle the lose of a spouse by death and can’t imagine it. However, I know I could go on because it was out of my control. I haven’t been able to move on because I don’t know what truly went wrong and I don’t want to make the mistakes I may have made, again. God knows I can never go through this, again, and I can never open my heart to the pain and agony I have felt these seven years. Because of the doubt, it doesn’t get better.
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No. No it is not as painful. It may make you confused, angry and bitter.
But it is not even remotely in the same ballpark of pain. It’s not even the same sport.
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Pain is pain, grief is grief, and it’s not a competition. When my marriage ended, and my husband walked away, I suffered the loss of all my hopes and dreams, and the comfort of my best friend. It was the darkest place for me. Loss of love is always a tragedy.
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Sure, pain is pain and grief is grief. But there’s one HUGE difference we’re all failing to mention here. When you go through a divorce, it’s because one of you IS NO LONGER IN LOVE with the other. It is, of course, tragic and not easy. Personally, if the love of my life fell out of love with me and just moved on with their life, sure I would be hurt and damaged; but they no longer love me, so it’s their loss. There’s nothing left to salvage once one person falls out of love. When my fiance passed away, we were very much in love. Neither of us wronged the other, neither of us were bitter towards the other, neither of us wanted out. I would MUCH RATHER he had broken things off and left me, because he would still be alive. I’d rather know he is living happily, even if it was with someone else, than not living at all.
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Erica,
Let me, please, add that I in no way want to detract from the pain and suffering you or anyone who had a spouse die could’ve felt. I haven’t read all the posts, but I saw some others writing of divorce. I in no way wanted to take away from the feelings you or others have had.
Please, forgive me if it seemed that way. I look forward to reading more from you.
Andy
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My father died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 45. My mother was 43, I was 20 (going into my last year of grad school). I saw what she went through (at least easier than your situation!) When she told me she was thinking of dating again, a little less than a year later, I was overjoyed – because at least I knew she was thinking of the future, unlike a few dark days when I had wondered if she would do something self-destructive. And yes, there were negative comments from some friends and relatives about “how soon” it was; but they weren’t there when it happened, they weren’t on the phone with her every day and driving home every weekend to be with her. (As it turns out my mother didn’t find another long-term relationship and gave up on the idea, but that was also her choice about her own life years later.)
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Thank you for articulating this so well. Two instances in my life came to mind when reading this. First my father died exactly a year after my mother. I watched him struggle to move ahead and ultimately grieve himself to death. Second a dear friend lost her husband suddenly. It has been just less than a year and she has moved on. The backlash received from moving on so quickly has been difficult to deal with for her. It is so easy to sit in judgment and point the finger. But until you’ve walked in their shoes you can never truly understand. If you are truly a friend how can you possibly expect a widow or widower not to move on. Do you really want to watch them grieve themselves to death over their loved one? What kind of Cruelty is that? While I am not a Widow I suffered a loss. I wake up each day to the same reality and grieve every minute of every day. But I put a smile on and find a reason to get out of bed. But it does not mean that I don’t still grieve.
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Thank you. My mom died. It sucked. I wasn’t happy. My dad wasn’t happy. My mom sure as fuck wasn’t happy. But I don’t think my dad’s continuing to be unhappy “honors” my mom, or in any way is what she would have wanted. I know if I get hit by a bus tomorrow my wife and daughter will miss me, but I fervently hope they go on with their lives. And, if you’re reading this when I’m dead and you think differently, keep it to your damn self. Or die in a fire, whichever.
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Wow. Great post. Heartfelt and angry! An effective combination I always think. Totally agree with all the points made too. Live your life in a way that’s acceptable and right for you. People are far too happy to impose their own judgements and standards.
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My deepest condolences on your loss. Try to remember that people are human and fallible. Everyone has an opinion – which, I know, is another word for judgement – but this is how we work things out. I support what you say in your post because you are part of the working out process and you played your part beautifully. My prayer is that you will not take the passing judgement of others personally and allow it to damage you, rather let it just flow on by. May you be surrounded by God’s protection against the thoughtlessness.
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Thank you for putting out there the things I wish I could have said to all those people after my husband died…you know, the one’s that said “if there’s anything I can do” or “we will be here every step of the way for you and the kids”…all that malarkey! My husband died unexpectedly eight years ago, leaving me with our two kids ages 8 and 3, with my three year old being diagnosed with autism…Funny, a few days before he died I cried to him that I couldn’t do it alone, that his absence (he was living at his work five days a week and home for two) was too much…then a few days later he was gone, and I HAD to do it on my own…a former friend found me on Facebook, seemed to understand what I was going through, so I sent him a plane ticket out here from NJ…I wish I could say the story had a happy ending, but sadly he swindled me out of $30K, just took advantage of my desperation of “not doing this alone”…since then there has been TWO MORE of these men who think I’m some damsel in distress and told me what I wanted to hear and did the same as the first…fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice and thrice, well…my mistake…but desperation makes us make foolish choices…I THOUGHT my kids needed a father-figure…I THOUGHT I needed a partner…I THOUGHT I couldn’t do it alone…well, I can and I’m better for it! I hope MR Right exists…I hope my prince will come…but if not, I’m ok…I can do this, step by step, day by day…
Thanks again…
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Wow! Your strength is amazing. Good for you, and don’t quit on love. It sneaks in at the weirdest time!
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Thank you for those beautiful words!
“I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. ”
So true. And just with that you had me in tears.
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I am sorry for your loss without ever have meeting you. I can’t even begin to comprehend the heartbreak and pain you have had endure. I officially love how you have “expanded” your heart and are cheering on others to “expand” their hearts and love again.
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it’s been several hours and fifteen months
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I hadnt heard he was remarrying—but when I did, my thought was one of concern, not judgment. A brief thought of “I hope this decision s coming from a place of healing and not one of desperation.” And then the thought passed. It would never cross my mind to actually SAY something about it, or post a comment. I dont know his life, or what hes going through. God, people forget we have the option of NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
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I lost my fiancee 9 years ago. Something that people don’t realize is how time can either freeze or speed by when you are grieving. The week after he passed away felt like 10 YEARS, but I remember days completely disappearing as I tried to grasp it tightly in my hands. Time loses it’s meaning yet becomes the most important thing because you realize just how precious it is. For the love of God, if this person has found someone that they adore, let them enjoy every single moment, because they know better than anyone how quickly they could lose them and how precious every second is.
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Thank you for writing this down and I can only say that there is no healing time, it will take our whole life to heal because the love that we feel for our lost loved-ones will always be there. I lost my best friend, love of my life , my sweetest husband almost four years ago and every single day I miss him, he was everything for me. I am now in a new relationship for almost six months and I can love again. I love 2 men from now on… one up in te sky and one here on earth…
thank you for sharing ! Barbara from Belgium
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Respect and awe…
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Thank you for writing this! I lost my husband very unexpectedly to cancer – literally 2 weeks after his diagnosis. I re-married an old boyfriend a few months later. People made some pretty rude comments about my decision – and yes, I was still in a fog. It’s been almost 4 years now. I am still married and do not know how I would have got from there to here without my new husband. People who have never been through it do not understand – but someday they will.
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The problem with social media is that it gives a platform to every ignorant idiot on the planet – who all seem to believe they can sit in judgment of someone (i.e. Patton Oswalt) that they’ve never met. Too bad they’re not using that time to do something substantive with their lives. (Judge not, lest ye be judged.)
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Wow! I lost my husband, my soulmate and best friend in February of cancer. I cannot begin to describe the overwhelming feeling of loss, and not being able to function some days. I can’t even process it in my head about dating someone again. Some days I do think it would be better to have someone around though. Not to replace him, but just to feel loved again, who knows maybe someday I will open my heart to that possibility. Thank you Erica for writing this, I hope in time both our hearts will be able to expand and find love again.
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Thank you. Married 19 years. Widowed May 19, 2013. Started dating long time friend on August 9, 2014. I didn’t have any public naysayers, but sometimes my own heart worries I’ve betrayed my late husband. What you wrote touched me. Thank you.
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Thank you. I remember the moment I realized my widower BIL had found new love. Yes, my heart ached for my sister who courageously fought her cancer to the end. But I know she wouldn’t want him to be frozen in grief. She wanted him to be happy. I love them. All of them. In a sense, God sent me new sister, too.
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I had no idea people were bullying Patton Oswalt online in such a horrid way. Just because his work makes him a public figure doesn’t mean it’s okay to talk about a human being and their life like it’s yours to judge. His grief is personal. His relationships are personal. And you’re an asshat if you get on that like picking on someone’s emotions is a trend that’s okay to follow.
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Yes, yes, yes!
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Amen! Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I was widowed at 25, remarried at 26, widowed again at 36, and remarried again at 37. Today is the one year mark since I lost my second husband. Each time I started dating again, I lost “friends” who thought it was too soon. The first time around that crushed me. This time, it still hurts, but it is a little easier to know that I can’t grieve the way other people deem as “right.” I have to do it in my own way, in my own time.
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