Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
We’ll said! Patton Oswalt is lucky to have someone as cool as you in the club. My husband died in May of 2015 a month shy of my daughter’s first birthday and two months before my son turned three. He had cancer so it wasn’t a shock and we had time to discuss my future, but that in no way really prepared me.
I met someone a little over a year after losing my husband. At first, I had dreams at night I was cheating on my husband. It’s strange to fall in love with one person while still in love with another. I know meeting someone was what my husband wanted me to do, but I do feel that side-eye bologney from time to time. I try to let it all roll off because I know it’s okay that my heart has expanded and somewhere I think that makes my husband really glad too.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I wholeheartedly agree with you. I hope your journey has gotten better, it’s a terrible road to travel, and doing so alone is quite difficult. I watched my father after my mother passed away, and he was utterly devastated. I would not wish that on any one. Mom and Dad ha been married from 1945 through 1982, the year of her passing.
When I tried to console him, he withdrew even further. Until I started playing the music he and Mom liked together, which brought back some fond memories. They had been at Glenn Miler & his band’s last performance before The Glenn Miller band was shot down (apparently) over the English Channel. I played “In The Mood” for him which they had danced to with the band playing live. He started to turn the corner. He waited several years, and eventually re-married. Sadly, the woman he re-married apparently hated each and every one of his children without having met us. It was not pretty, but it helped him. And kept us at a great distance from him. Some remarriages work out, some don’t. It’s not like we picked our Mother any more than we picked our Step-Mother.
She truly was the proverbial “Wicked Step-Mother”, mean, spiteful, and argumentative were the nicest things I could say about her. I went to her funeral some years after Dad had passed away, and did so purely out of respect for him. Her family didn’t seem to care. (She raised an uncaring lot). Life can be quite funny (ODD) and Funny (hilarious). We managed to get ODD.
LikeLiked by 3 people
I could have written your story for mine is the same almost word for word.When Mom died my Dad was lost. He met Millie(step)
at age 82 and they married almost a year later. She once said to me “I’m not your mother and never will be.” well I could go on but you said it all. I could not bring myself to go to her funeral. It was not about me. She made Dad happy and that’s all that matters.
LikeLiked by 2 people
My father became a widower with 2 small daughters (4 & 7 years of age) in 1966. He began dating after about 6 months because he was lonely & wanted female companionship. He was very harshly judged by many folks in our small town. His response was to ignore the haters & move on with his life. He told me many years later that nothing he did was going to bring my mother back & that he was still alive. These shallow, narrow-minded asshats need to live their lives in whatever way they choose & allow others to do the same.
Kudos to you. Kudos to Patton Oswalt. You do you & let the haters become bitter old b*tches.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Awesome some people are too weak to choose strength
LikeLiked by 2 people
AMEN sister! I am so sick of people who have never experienced grief as a widow but they believe they know how I should feel and what the proper timeline for grieving and moving on is. Get real! Until it happens to them they will NEVER understand how the pain will sometimes creep in and completely cover them in grief. My beloved husband died in 2011 and I remarried in 2013. This morning I woke up weeping… my late husband appeared in my dreams and I miss and I mourn for him. And guess what? I woke up laying next to my husband who gently pulled me against him as he slept. How grateful I am for having someone to love again! I am blessed and I say KUDOS to those widows and widowers who are brave enough to love again! For the greatest gift of all is LOVE!
LikeLiked by 4 people
Erica, you’re right. Patton Oswalt’s struggles and intimate relationships are none of our business…except he made it our business by publicly broadcasting every feeling, every minute.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That doesn’t give you the right to judge him, you sanctimonious asshole.
LikeLiked by 2 people
No. Someone speaking candidly in public about what they’re going through isn’t an invitation for you to pretend you’re a consultant they’ve hired for guidance on what to do, how to be, who to be.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Rich, he talked publicly. That doesn’t give you any kind of special rights to judge his actions. It is still his business even when he chooses to talk about it openly. He didn’t “make it your business”. When someone makes a statement, that is not always an invitation for you to opine about it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Do you know why people do that? So that other people in similar positions don’t feel quite as alone. It’s a very humanistic trait. One you should consider before condemnation. Once again, your opinion has yet to be asked, but here you are!
LikeLiked by 2 people
None of our business but it is our business? Stop. Go back to your couch.
LikeLiked by 2 people
No, it’s still not your business. Oswald sharing his life does not make his life your “business.” Oswald sharing his life does not give you the right to judge him because what he shares in tweets and interviews is only a fraction of what the man is — and the same would be true of anyone. You don’t own Patton Oswald; your consumption of his tweets and his comedy do not put you in any kind of possessive relationship to him or his “business.” You are merely a witness to what he chooses to share.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Because that’s how he dealt with it. Unless you’ve gone through the same thing, and I honestly hope you haven’t had to because it sucks, then let him grieve his own way.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Telling us about his experiences does not make it our “business”. They don’t become our own experiences just because we are made aware of them.
We can form opinions about someone’s experiences, but that doesn’t mean those opinions can’t be shitty. And “I will pass judgement on whether you grieved according to my own standards ” is always a shitty one.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It is the difference between “let me show you my home”, and “you get to decide what I do with my home”. Very different. The option to see and the right to control are different, we demonstrate the same confusion with movie stars, where our false familiarity with their lives and emotions can cause us to fail to treat them with the respect and space strangers have every right to expect from others. Having seen Brad Pitt’s ass on screen doesn’t mean I know him or have the right to intrude into his life. It is an awkward modern skill to respect the difference between opportunity to observe and right to interfere/express our preferences. Small children have to learn when they are being shown something by another child [“Oh look isn’t this interesting”] and when it is being offered to them to play with [“here it is your turn”], we adults now need to process the same distinction in this new format.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You have the right to choose not to listen to those ‘public broadcasts’. And its still none of your business even if you listen to every single word he has ever said, or read every word he has ever written.
LikeLiked by 2 people
And by sharing his journey he has helped others struggling with moving forward and trying to pick up our lives again after the life-shattering event that has changed our lives forever. I wish no one had to ever go through it. But someone opening up and sharing their life in such away shows others they are not alone. Gives us hope and validates our own feelings and emotions we are going through. Especially when US people seem to make everyone else so uncomfortable. It is not your road to travel it is ours. Please let people heal and move on forward as we need to. We never stop loving them. We just find a way to live again.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This kind of judgmental BS goes on with non public people too. That’s the point here. Everyone is entitled to an opinion. But in these cases the only opinions that matter are the parties involved. Patton Oswald is a gifted writer and no doubt has helped countless others knowing the hate police would be out in force. Erica reiterated what hopefully most normal people feel.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for sharing your heart.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Dear Erica,
Your passionate rage-filled post truly summed up how I felt about the judgmental people who found it in their cold dark hearts to rain brimstone and hail on a happy occasion.
As with you, I was excited to hear Patton was on the mend and have met someone who could fix that deep dark hole in his heart; as a counsellor to many widows and widowers, I am bombarded constantly on the same question….When?
And my answer is simple…when you’re ready; when your heart starts missing and starts yearning for love again; when you need someone to be that rock in your lives and that of your children; I truly believe Patton had that epiphany when he met Ms. Salenger.
There is no time frame to know when to open your heart again to another person, nor is there some kind of indication of that as well.
I thank you for your honesty and your personal sharing; I wish you and your family all the best in life and the future. God bless you always!
Nicholas Chan
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s been 21 months since I lost my spouse of 36 years – best friend, co-parent, love of my life, and I’ve found an equally wonderful partner recently, and the judgemental ‘noise’ about it is overwhelming sometimes. Thanks for writing this. I don’t have enough ways to say thanks here.
LikeLiked by 2 people
My goodness, thank you for writing this. We lost my mom in 2016 and I cannot even believe all the judgment my dad has faced for *gasp* choosing to reawaken and enter the land of the living again (eye roll). This post says everything I’ve been wanting to say, and absolutely perfectly. Well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glad to see this. My stepfather was my mom’s primary caretaker as she was dying of cancer age 54. She wouldn’t have wanted him to die with her, and the ideas many people seem to have about grieving and what it should look like and how it should unfold are so poorly contrived. As if they think they’re watching a sad movie. It isn’t and shouldn’t be a spectator sport. Not to mention finding love again is something to celebrate, not side-eye.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Here here! Life is short. If one is lucky to find love again good for them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was truly an amazing piece and should be published widely. I imagine grief groups around the states would benefit from such insight. Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
I could never understand how people think they can make decisions that “fit” others when it comes to handling grief & discovering new life & love . It seems to me we should just be happy for the person if they have found happiness !
LikeLiked by 1 person
I told my husband after we had our first child that if something happened to me he had one year to get married. I joked that after a year I would haunt him every day until he got married. My husband is a quiet loving person who I know needs the relationship marriage brings. I also know that he would only pick a wonderful person giving my child (children now) a mother that they need.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am not married but I do have a girlfriend and even though I do not know what it is like to become a i do know this, how a person lives their life and decides to morn and move on is no one else’s business but theirs. Personally, I a. Happy that love found a way back to Patton Oswalt and that his smile has returned to him. Reading what you have written moved me and made me see that a personal journey is always on going …no matter how it may turn. Thank you for sharing this.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Everyone heals at a different rate… God blessed me with the opportunity to meet a guy who was so beautiful!!! We had made plans to introduce our children so we could begin our path. We had dated awhile…loved each other… He never came…his sister called me…my world shattered. Though i have never found love again yet… there is always a possibility… we all are different…we all evolve…. embrace who you are…be who you are…don’t let anyone define you
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you are fortunate enough to find someone to help fill the void, and relieve the sadness and despair, why would you ever care what others think? Life is too short. Grab joy when you can.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I forgot to check the box. My Michael was amazing…he gave a new meaning to the word, “Sunshine”!!! 💜☀️🙏🏻 Its been 4 years. I haven’t found another…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Unfortunately, I must be judgmental. I lost my husband 7 yrs ago. I tried to move on. I couldn’t. I had three kids and felt they came before me. I’m still mourning, even though I’m a grandmother to three. I am currently in a friendship with a man who’s wife passed away a few years ago and he moved on within a year. When we met, he wanted me to move on with him and marry him. I said no. I couldn’t believe he wanted so much, so quickly in our friendship. I think I would have been a rebound or replacement ‘wife’. After a few months of just going out and talking, he began dating a ‘desperate’ woman. She would have married him, immediately. He and I talked about her and he complained that she annoyed him. I asked him why he needed a replacement wife? He said he didn’t want to be alone. One of her complaints was she couldn’t rearrange furniture or redecorate. Not he, nor his daughters, would allow the wife’s decorations be taken down. Simply put, he wasn’t ready for marriage. He just wanted someone there. That’s not fair to the new ‘spouse’. I’ve met a lot of people, just like this. Mostly men. Older men. Not young, that wanted children. The ‘addition’ you speak of, can be left behind as quickly as the relationship began. Oswalt’s engagement may sound good today. But it’s unhealthy and probably won’t last 7 years. Check out statistics. Divorces are massive. Nobody has the courage to tell the widow/er that it’s too soon. Moving on is not an ‘addition’. Especially, when it’s too soon.
LikeLiked by 1 person
good for you, Patton… I am so happy you found love again… my husband of 29 years passed away after a horrendous bout of lung cancer… he left 3 children, a granddaughter and a bevy of broken hearted family and friends…no one and i mean NO ONE knows the pain of losing a spouse unless you have experienced the pain yourself…if you are lucky enough to find love again, i say, go for it…as for me, i continue to survive without him…our children, family and friends all help in that area… if i find love again… great… if i don’t, i know i had the greatest love that i could imagine…
LikeLiked by 1 person
My husband died unexpectedly in the worst of circumstances coming up for 5 years ago, leaving my two teenage children and me bereft. Gradually, as we emerged from our grief, I made plans to, then did, create a new life for us. It’s been scary and exciting, and while many thought me courageous, they also thought me crazy (and told me so) – but I have no regrets. I began ‘seeing’ a kind friend 14 months after my husband died, dated others later, and finally opened my heart again 4 years later to a man I met last year. (And yes, as you wrote, for me that did take courage!)
Almost 50 years earlier, my father died suddenly at 31; my mum at 33 had 3 children under 7 to care for, find a new home/town and job, create a new life – all while grieving. She met the man who would for a while become my stepfather a few years later.
My mother’s and my widowhood experiences have been similar but different – as have all ‘we’ widows. Thank you for this piece… Our journeys are each our own, and we shouldn’t be judged by them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Part of the reason this whole nation finds itself in trouble is because of these judgmental people who are always right and know exactly how to do everything and have a need to make sure that everyone else follows the “rules.” They make me sick. We’re all different, feel differently, act differently. Live your own life and leave everyone else alone. Publicly sharing your pain as a means of healing is not an invitation for advice.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Erica! If you’re not familiar with Nora McInerny, her blog myhusbandstumor, her book Laughing is OK (Crying Works Too), and her kick-ass podcast, Terrible, Thanks for Asking…. you should look her up! She also has a FB group called The Hot Young Widows Club or something like that.
Disclaimer: This is my first visit to your site so for all I know, you and Nora are already BFFs. 🙂
Also, I couldn’t agree more. Nobody gets to decide when love is “appropriate” except for the people doing said loving. Everyone else needs to sit down.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am a 71 yr old widow. First of all it isn’t about the sex. I felt like half of my body had been amputated. My husband was diagnosed on Sept 4th and we buried him Sept 29. But for our cat and dog there we’re mornings I would just as soon have stayed in bed and waited to die, also being a Christian with children and grand children it wouldn’thave been fair to them. I attended Grief Counseling and I remember the Dr saying that within reason getting remarried soon after losing a mate was a compliment to the deceased. It meant that the marriage had been good and they wanted to experience it again.I have no desire to remarry, but when I see a couple in our church with the man’s arm around his wife, I feel a pang of nostalgia. When I meet infrequently with my siblings it stings a little bit that they all still have their spouses. I have a friend in the retirement village who is looking for a fourth husband, though her last husband has been gone less than six mos, when she is asked about this she says I’m 98 I don’t have time to wait. You go girl. I’ll probably be in heaven before her. She still drives everywhere.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree with Erica. Everyone moves on at their own pace. Some people like me get stick in their own head and can’t figure out how to move on or if they want to move on at all. It’s been 3 yrs and 7 months since my wife passed away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
YES YES YES YES!!!!!! Absolutely! I just got chills reading this! I lost my husband back in February. Part of you goes numb when you lose your spouse. To find out you can still feel is like seeing the sun come out after months of clouds. I can not love this enough!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I completely agree that no one should judge another and I also agree that people should be allowed to move on with their lives when they feel ready. However, I respectfully disagree with the notion that people aren’t allowed to have an opinion and to voice an opinion that is in opposition to what another person thinks/feels. The premise of an opinion is that it is the person’s own thoughts and feelings about something. Everyone is entitled to have an opinion. Unfortunately, in our times, people abuse the right to voice their objective opinion and they turn their opinion into a judgement. The two don’t have to go hand in hand- it’s all in the delivery. That’s my opinion and I am happy to have others disagree with me. Blessings to you and your children. Your path is your path and only you are in charge of navigating your path. Don’t let the haters cause you to be angry – that’s what they want. They want you to be as miserable as they are. Let your sorrow be your own and let your joy shine whenever you are ready.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love this response. When my mother was dying of cancer, she told my father that she would send him a new companion from above. He met and married my stepmother within six months. I have always observed that those who remarry quickly do so because their first union was good. It is a testament to those who have passed. So we should accept the tribute. It is not for us to judge.
LikeLiked by 1 person
In case anyone’s not familiar with Meredith Salenger, she’s the star of 1985’s “Journey of Natty Gann”.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“You aren’t entitled to an opinion”
Respectfully, I categorically disagree.
Patton Oswalt is a public figure who CHOSE to put his grief process on display.
Everyone processes grief differently, everyone has a different metric they live life by. You have no way of knowing which commenters lost a spouse, son, sister, mother, etc. – when or under what circumstances.
We all suffer catastrophic loss – whether in the past, present, or future. Your public sharing of your grief does not make your pain more or less valid than anyone else’s.
So we ARE entitled to an opinion, and you are entitled to disagree.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Global Family Treks.
LikeLike
If you didn’t already know, Patton’s fiancée Meredith saw this and linked it… so he knows!
I look at it this way: if a widow or widower could ask their late partner what to do, would the answer be “stay alone for the rest of your life?” Almost certainly not. They’d *want* you to bounce back quickly, to regain love and happiness as soon as possible. Patton’s engagement to Meredith may have caught people by surprise, but I say he’s respecting what Michelle would have wanted.
LikeLike
No one has the right to judge how short it long a period of mourning is….we all grieve our own way. I say good , no one who dies wants their mate left alone.
LikeLike
Damn. 👍
LikeLike
The reason why Patton Oswalt was able to move on and find room in his heart to find love with someone else is because he he faced the pain of his loss head on. He didn’t obscure the pain by taking solace in work, sex, chemicals, or other distractions. Too many people avoid the pain of grief and loss and they then wonder why they can’t ever get over the loss of their loved one.
To make things worse, our society affirms the latter approach and confuses that with strength. The person who has been able to be made whole by immersing themselves in the pain of loss and then finds happiness with someone else is ludicrously labeled as weak.
Patton Oswalt should be an inspiration and a model for all of us who experience loss.
LikeLiked by 1 person
YES!!! I read all those negative comments and felt the same rage! I lost my husband at 39, and there was no timeline on my grief! I still have days I’m angry and pissed off he is not here! Three years after his death I met a wonderful man who brought joy and happiness back to mine and my children’s lives, and I’ve been grateful for him every day since. Expansion is the perfect term because my heart did that… I didn’t push my first husband out to make room for another. How arrogant and ignorant to assume “you know” how it feels! No one who hasn’t gone though losing a spouse gets to judge, and those who have don’t judge!
LikeLike
Erica,
I am the additional love. My truly better half lived a life of love, joy, and pain (called LIFE) for nearly 17 years. As so well put by many of your followers, life froze when his wife and youngest son (6) died in a small airplane crash in 1985.
Fortunately, G had awesome support from the Lord, his parents and family.
Through some amazing paths that had taken me thru the events of losing my father when I was 13 (he was 38) to being the teacher of his oldest son; the Lord brought me into the picture by having the teacher of his other soon and I driving 9 hours to see our students 5 days after this tragedy.
Although closer to my mother’s age, and the fact that I was dating someone who I figured I was going to marry, the Lord had other plans. So events brought us to the conclusion that we wanted to get married.
And we decided the only ones that had a say in it were his boys, his parents, my mother, AND (I insisted) his deceased wife’s mother – who was an only child.
Unfortunately, some people who my husband admired greatly tried to destroy him when they found out. You see she died in March and we decided in June to get married in September. His workplace figured I was marrying him for his money.
But we were sure when all said yes. Wonderful Mom Baker when asked if G should date again stated, “You need a wife and those boys need a mother. ”
So nearly 32 life- filled years later, 😀 (another son, loss of another son from his first 3, ups and growths of love-never once being compared to A, and being loved dearly by TWO wonderful mother-in-laws), I’m secretly planning a golden “anniversary” party for a man who truly, honestly has been married for 50 years. It’s just taken 2 women to accomplish it!
LikeLike
Hi Erica,
I don’t know who Patton Oswalt is and probably never will. What I do know something about is standing on the outside, observing, listening, sometimes getting angry, and sad while watching a widow grieve- my mother. During the first year following my father’s untimely death, everything was tumultuous in mind, body, soul, sleep, dreams, moving, and even breathing. While I have not sat in the shoes of a widow, I’ve experienced losing several loved ones each year over the past ten years.
I finally understand one thing- With the loss of every person, our relationship to that person, the age at the time of death, how they pass whether sudden or expected, accidental, suicide, murder or medical malpractice ( the ultimate cause of my father’s death)….. we all grieve differently and there is no correct way to grieve. No one should ever judge another person’s grief- ever! The one thing everyone can do is pick up a book, several books, and learn about the grieving process before ever passing judgment on another human being who is enduring blunt force pain to their entire being.
My mom grieved differently than I did. I grieved differently than each of my brothers and my brothers handled the death of our father in entirely different ways. There are recordings of my father’s memorial celebration of life service that we each have a copy of. While people may find that strange, the benefit is at any point and time we can see each person who spoke and hear all the wonderful things my father did and how he touched the lives of so many young people through his music and teaching. While I have never watched the recording and probably never will- my mother would watch it each evening. It was a part of her healing process.
If my mother chose to date within the year following my father’s death- I told her that I supported her decision and if not I also supported her. Now, eight years later, it still feels like last week, my mother still grieves in her own way. When she moved alone to a new home a couple of years ago she went through another process of grieving because it was the first time in 30 years she moved without my dad. I lovingly hung all her paintings and created a family photo gallery wall for her but when I went to hang two African pieces of artwork I saw the pain in my mom’s eyes as she said in a clipped tone of voice that she didn’t want those up on the wall just yet.
My point is this, even when people lose a spouse and begin dating again and eventually marry, it doesn’t mean they’ve forgotten all about the person who died. I wish my mother would date again. I want her to be happy and have a companion. As a daughter, I would’ve supported her dating the following year after my dad passed. Maybe- just maybe people need to sit in my shoes and watch their mother’s pain after losing her husband. All we want is for them to find peace and not grow old alone and lonely. No one deserves that! No one should ever judge another’s grief or how quickly or slowly they move through it to a place of acceptance.
Best wishes to you and your little family,
Olivia
LikeLike
While I was personally hoping to marry Meredith Salenger, why would anyone feel anything but goodwill towards someone finding some happiness in their lives, especially when life blindsided them so brutally? Don’t get the judgement, at all.
LikeLike
I’m crying as I read this. Thank you for such eloquent words. I’m a widow and as you have stated–no one knows the pain, and what we are living through and when we might be ready to open up again. I am encouraged by others before me and their courage. One day, I hope to expand my heart.
LikeLike
My husband lost his much-beloved wife in October 1999. He and I met in April 2000. I went to the memorial service later that September where he and her friends scattered her ashes. Seventeen years later we are still together, married for fifteen. Doug still loves Katherine, and I honor her for the love they had together. It does not diminish what we have. People who don’t understand this don’t know what they’re talking about.
LikeLike
Thank you for saying what I’ve been thinking after also reading about Pattons happy news. I haven’t lost a spouse -but lost my mother at 5-and although blessed with a wonderful father am always affected when other children lose a parent. My father married a wonderful woman many years later and even then he was judged by relatives on my mother’s side. I hope your post goes viral and makes at least some judgmental jerks rethink their life decision to be judge and jury for the rest of us. I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you all the best and hope your heart heals too.
LikeLike
My only quibble is not with Mr. Oswalt, nor is it with your agreement with him, nor either is it with your rather vehement defense of him. Rather, my very minor issue with your post is with the following question you yourself ask: “Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again?”
Of course, the unavoidable answer is, “Mr Oswalt himself when he decided to make this part of his life a piece of the public record.” Right wrong or indifferent, once something is put up for public discussion, the public is free to develop their own opinion on that subject — whatever the subject, whatever the opinion. Your audience’s reaction is not up to the author to decide, any more than their opinions should in turn necessarily determine the author’s actions &/or viewpoints.
The fact that you’ve been upset by someone else’s opinion doesn’t make that opinion “wrong” by default. For instance, the fact that these opinions come from folks who (maybe) still have spouses (etc.) of their own might mean they came from folks who subconsciously looked at the issue in light of their SO’s continued presence, rather than in terms of their absence. If so, doesn’t it make at least some sense that emotionally THEY (not Mr. Oswalt) don’t think THEY (not Mr. Oswalt) would be “ready” after “only” a year & change? Or maybe they’ve seen marriages in similar circumstances that went terribly wrong. It’s a crazy idea, I know, but just maybe these folks really are concerned about Mr. Oswalt’s long-term happiness & “healing” after all, precisely because of their own personal experiences… experiences you might know nothing about at this stage.
Then again, maybe they really are just “ignorant, judgmental, assholes,” as you put it — it’s the Internet, who can tell? Maybe they really are just mindless slaves to their “own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions.” But in either case, Mr. Oswalt’s freedom to speak about his experience does not equate to a right/necessity that everyone who reads his story MUST agree with his actions, let alone with your personal take on them. The audience is just as free to have their own opinions as he is — be they considerate or hateful, considered or ignorant — precisely because the subject was out there for public discussion in the first place.
You are certainly free to disagree with them in return, & to argue your counter-points emphatically, as you’ve done here. I happen to stand 100% beside everything else you wrote, though I sympathize with all sides of the argument having personally seen cases where “quick” (so to speak) re-marriages worked out wonderfully, as well as when they brought on great tragedy.
But make no mistake: the ones expressing concern/disagreement are speaking their minds & hearts, just as Mr. Oswalt has. You do them (& yourself, IMO) a disservice by dismissing their viewpoints out of hand simply because they make you mad or uncomfortable, regardless of your own experience, as real & powerful as it is. Believe that the audience has experiences & emotions of their own that you are ignorant of, just as they are ignorant of yours & Mr. Oswalt’s.
That said, if you truly “aren’t interested in hearing” what other people honestly have to say about “about a widow or widower finding love again” (or any other subject where a disagreement might hurt your feelings or challenge your personal views, for that matter), then perhaps you should disable comments on such posts, or don’t post about it publicly in the first place.
You are absolutely free to speak your mind; we, your audience, are just as free, upon hearing your thoughts, feelings & opinions, to not only disagree with them entirely but also to think you’re an idiot for holding the opinion you do… or either to agree with them wholeheartedly & think you’re the second coming of (insert favorite ancient philosopher here), as appropriate! We are then both free to respond to the responses as we choose, ad infinitum, but that initial reaction is NOT yours to determine (“freedom of speech” works both ways), nor is your disagreement with it in & of itself evidence of validity/falsity.
Just my $0.02, worth all the paper it’s printed on (i.e., “none”), I’m sure. =)
Best of luck to you, & best wishes to Mr. Oswalt & his bride-to-be.
– Dave B.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nope, nope, just nope. You do not specify if you are a widower, Dave B., but I am indeed a widow. It’s not about being unwilling to hear someone else’s opinion. Generally, widows and widowers hear plenty of other opinions all the time, very few of which take our individual circumstances into account. Nor is it fair to say that Mr. Oswalt has opened himself up to personal attacks because he is a celebrity and has posted publicly about his journey though grief. Of course, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. The last time I checked, we still live in the United States of America. (Well, most of us reading the blog — there may well be plenty of readers from other shores.) But he (and Ms. Salenger) was attacked for their decision by some commenters. There was no need for that. People are free to disagree — freedom of speech, as you say, does indeed work both ways. But there are responsibilities and consequences that come with that freedom. It is not a blank check for verbal diarrhea. For that, we get to stand up when people cross the line. As misunderstood, often overlooked, and unheard people, widows and widowers have every right to stand up for ourselves. Just my own $0.02.
LikeLike
*-sigh-*
I do know a little about loss and grieving. More than I would prefer to, but there it is.
And one of the things I know is that it has no “timetable”. And the bereaved is most certainly not accountable to those around them (loving though they may be), let alone complete strangers, for the arc of their process.
Just as poisonous as this “it’s awfully soon, isn’t it?” nonsense is; equally hurtful are the (sometimes subtle, occasionally not so much) messages of “aren’t you over that yet?” and “isn’t it time you should be moving on instead of wallowing?”
A good friend wrote a song a while back with lyrics that say, in part, “I’m not fearless; I’m just human.”
It is what it is. It takes what it takes. I do wish you, and Mr. Oswalt (whose work I am passingly familiar with, at most) all the best and you work your way through the unworkable; bear the unbearable.
LikeLike
EDIT: “all the best AS you work” sted “AND”.
LikeLike
Over the course of 5 years I lost my Dad, sister, both brothers and then my husband. My husband and I had fought Lupus for 14 years, high blood pressure, end stage renal disease, multiple trips to the ER!! After 9 months of sitting at home, I needed to get on with my life. I found out a gentleman from church was also a widower and wanted to ask how he got out again, I just wanted advice. Well, after 9 months of dating we got married! My first husband showed me what to look for, a good strong, loving, God fearing man, and when God places a blessing at your feet, I ran for it!!Our grown childen gave their blessings. We are coming up on our first anniversary, best decision I’ve made! We talk about our spouses often, and both realize how truly blessed we are to have found each other! No time table for grief, we both still grieve, but we also understand each others grief.
LikeLike
Dear Erica,
Oh, how you writing touched my heart and caused tears to fall from my eyes. My father died in a mining accident when I was 1 1/2, my siblings were 10, 15 and 18. My mother never opened her heart to love another man again, and how I wish her heart had expanded. I know she would’ve chosen wisely, giving my siblings and I a father-figure (never someone to replace our father because no one ever could.) My mother is 81 and still alone, almost 40 years without someone to hold her hand or talk through her problems. Find love again- don’t ever let the fear of what someone else thinks or says get in the way. Don’t be like my mother.
LikeLike
Thank you for posting this. It found me during a time of grief on the 2nd anniversary of my wife’s passing. I am very lucky to have met someone and fallen in love in the time since I lost Alice. Your words are so true, I spent 23 years with Alice and they were amazing. We were soul mates in every sense of the word. But my love for her is not diminished in any way by the new love I have found. Just as you describe, I find my heart expanding to welcome in new love. ThIs is a very difficult process and my new girlfriend and I are working very hard to make sure that our children (we each have 2) come first. We know that our relationship will only be made stronger as we seek to blend our families, but that we must do so carefully with full awareness of all the emotions, anxiety and fears that all our loved ones will experience as we attempt to build anew. To judge someone in this situation is a really horrible thing to do and anyone who finds themselves doing so needs to look inward and figure out their own motives for such harsh behavior. I’ll close by sharing what a grief councilor told me. Widows who were in a deeply loving marriage tend to be the ones who remarry sooner. They know the beauty of a truly loving marriage and seek it out much quicker than those who were not so blessed.
I wish you and your children well as you continue your journey and thank you for the bravery you have to share so much of yourself through your blog.
LikeLike
Nice piece Erica! I lost my wife a year ago after a 19yr battle with late stage breast cancer. I recently let someone into my heart and wondered if it was too soon. I then realized that it was ok! I still miss my wife but my heart has expanded as you so eloquently put it.
LikeLike