Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Fellow widow here, 6 mos+ only. I had the luxury of discussing the future with my terminally ill late husband. I know not everyone gets that luxury. You can still grieve, very personally or publicly, and still be able to move forward. You never move on, just forward. I’m very much on that path, much to many people’s chagrin. Whatevs. They can all suck it. Mazel tov, Patton, and all my love to you, sweet Erica, and your family.
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Bravo! We’ll written! Thank you for posting!
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I know people who think of love like a cup. You love your spouse so he gets the full cup. You have a child then each of them get half a cup. You remarry and then everybody gets a third of a cup, etc. Instead, love is like air. If somebody enters a room where you are, you don’t both get half the air. Any number of people can get into the room and everyone will be able to breathe.
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Amen! I am very happy for Patton! I lost my husband of 10 yrs in 2007 I was 29. It is so hard to go through something like that I was so depressed but I had kids that needed me so you press on like a zombie. You give fake smiles so your kids don’t worry. You have days of utter pain ,so much pain that you don’t leave the house.
Then one day in 2010 I met my husband now we’ve been together ever since. There will come a time where you will find that light again someone who makes you feel like wow do I actually feel love in my heart for this person along side the love for the one I lost?!?!
Some people find it sooner than later, and why it matter to these people hating on Patton I have no clue. They need mind their business and move on its like what my grandpa would say “if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut” in this case “keep scrolling trolls”!
Congratulations Patton from one Widow to another!!!
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Fortunately, the internet allows someone like yourself to write wonderful words of support and compassion. Unfortunately, the Internet also allows others to share their less-enlightened points of view. Best to ignore them and somehow not allow their negativity into your life. Hard to do, I know.
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I really enjoyed this perspective, and I hope you’re getting a lot of healing through this blog (and you chose a great outlet; you’re a really good writer). The only concern I’d have about Patton Oswalt being engaged isn’t that he’s rushing into marriage after his wife died, but just that he might be rushing into marriage… period. Like, his current relationship. Valuing it with her. Getting to know each other. I know “when you know, you know,” but it just seems fast. And I’m not saying that with any regard to being widowed at all, just the length of the current relationship.
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I’m conflicted, while I applaud you and Patton, I still resent my former sister-in-law who married my brother’s best friend less than a month after his death. It was assumed they’d been having an affair, she’d been caught in multiple affairs over the years of their marriage. That marriage lasted less than a year.
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Sounds like your former sister-in-law is maybe just ACTUALLY a horrible, selfish person.
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I saw those comments, and responded with a “none of your business”. Why does it matter to them?
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BRAVO! Standing ovation! Round of Applause! Brilliant you!
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I know your wisdom comes from pain, but your sharing comes from love. Well done.
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Incredibly well done. Thank you for putting on paper what those who have lost spouses go through, and the agony they feel when friends and loved ones cannot accept them trying to live again. I have felt everything you wrote so deeply…so deeply. Thank you
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Yes exactly and thank you widow to widow
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People who leave comments tend to be awful.
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187 days here. Who knows what the future will bring? I’m going to make it as beautiful as I can.
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Beautifully said. Everyone process’ grief in their own way. Some hang on to it and the past so long that it hobbles their ability to live. Some process their grief in a way that enriches their humanity and capacity to appreciate the fragility of life and how precious love is. We all have our own way. Unless you have walked the path of loss of a great love, best not to judge.
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I agree with you completely and having not had your experience there is nothing I can say that compares. However, many years ago I attended a financial planning seminar and when discussing life insurance they said we need enough life insurance to allow our spouse to live for several years. The justification was that they may not be able to work for some time after such an event. I thought, if I cant work for 5 years after my spouse dies, shoot me. I have since married. I also lost my mother, who I was extremely close with. I went through a 3 year depression that require medication to get over the hurdle. I get it now. I hope that if I were to die that my husband would move on. I hope he would love again. In some ways I think that ability to move on may be an indications of a great love and marriage not one full of regret. And, yes, expanding the heart is what people do when they move on. I have no kids and as I said, I am married, but if losing pets has taught me anything about loss, it is that you do not replace one for another, you learn to love more. Best wishes to you.
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Agreed. Why the heck is it anyone else’s business to judge someone’s love life? We just had a huge battle over same-sex marriage and now people want to get all up in how soon a widower or widow can find and appreciate love again? Shaking my head for real!
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Good for you for writing this. It needed to be said. Love it. Hang in there. 🙂
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Thanks for this wonderful post. I became a widow at age 28 on October 11, 1999. Also with a very sudden death. While it’s been a long time for me and I have healed fully from the loss, I still suffer from ridiculous amounts of anxiety that those I love most will die suddenly. I could not agree more that everyone mourns in their own way on their own timelines. NO ONE can or should ever tell another person how they should mourn or how long they should mourn. It’s a creative, alive and deeply personal journey. Opening your heart to love again takes so much courage and I celebrate and acknowledge any widow who can do this – no matter what the time line.
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I am not a widow, though I’ve had close proximity to a friend who is living your experience. I wanted to tell you two things.
1) You are a terrific writer! This will likely become your life’s calling, if it hasn’t already. Writing 101 says to write what you know. You clearly do that, but you do it with pitch perfect clarity. That is a real writer’s gift!
2) You have the power to help others . My guess is many who have lost loves do not have the capacity to help others in those first agonizing days/months/years. But healing comes from shared experiences and compassion and acknowledgement of the agony of living through each day. Your ability to comfort and validate the uniqueness of the grief process is a wonderful gift as well. I wish you continued healing.
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When a close friend of mine was dying some years ago, she asked me to look after her husband and hound him to become social again asap. She gave me pretty specific instructions. To his credit he agreed to have dinner with me regularly and allowed me to give him the third degree. For a while he only got together with family. Then with a couple of guy friends. Then he eventually began to attend business events again. A little after a year he began to date. Within a year he was fairly serious about a new lady and wanted to take her to the business events we all used to go to. So I went to the same events for several months and was conspicuous in my approval of them as a couple, which quelled the inquiring minds. A couple of folks were brave enough to actually ask me what I thought, and while I didn’t go into what all my friend and I had shared, I was clear that she was blessing him and his new social life.
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Thank you for saying this. I became a widow 6 years ago and had many people tell me when I started a new relationship that I hadn’t waited long enough. They were making that judgement after a year… when I went on a date 89 days after my husband died and had been seeing this man on a monthly basis since then. I kept it secret because I knew people would make judgements who have never experienced a spouse dying. Does that mean I never loved my husband? No. Does that mean that I was “over” his death? No. In fact I will never “get over” my husband dying, I will miss him and see new things that I wish he could experience until I die. My BF wanted to go see the Hobbit movies, and I put it off until it was almost done with its run in theaters. Finally he got me to go and I heard the opening credit music and started sobbing in a theater full of people. Because my husband heard they were making these movies and said, “Put in for the day off, we are going on opening day.” He will never get to watch that movie that he was so excited for. But I got to enjoy it for the both of us, and with a man who while he’s never been where I am, was there to hold my hand and let me cry for the first 3 minutes of the movie. How would my husband not have wanted me to have someone in my life who would do those things for me that he no longer could? And who is to say when is the right time to love someone? Just because you start a new relationship, doesn’t mean that you are all done with grieving. It never ends, and it isn’t supposed to. But we are supposed to keep living, and that means we keep loving too.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts with everyone! This was very well written and wonderfully done.
I think that those people who are so “offended” by this, are scared that they realize that they will die one day, and cannot control what the outcome will be. They want to be immortalized and never want the world to move on without them. A void that will constantly tear at the lives they used to be surrounded by.
I love that you said the heart expands. I hope that it will catch onto those who are afraid of the uncertainty of the future and bring about the realization that you can’t control everything.
Thank you again for your words.
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From widow to widows- I love your line- “You are not titled to an opinion, while you set next o your living spouse”…..AMEN! Being a son,daughter…mother or father grieving your loss- is by no means any less…..but have no comparison to the loss a widower suffers!
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virtual hug! I can’t imagine life without my spouse..and I don’t know if I’d move on…because I’ve never been in those shoes..and I don’t want to. I’ve told her I’d rather we died together. For that reason, I really won’t say what a widow should do. If they find companionship, it’s a blessing.
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I’m a widow, too (though I’m a lot older than you are), and I don’t judge Patton Oswalt for his actions. For me it’s been three and a half years, and I don’t think I’m ready to date. Maybe I never will be. But that’s me, not anybody else.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
1). Grief has no set time limit. It doesn’t mean you that you stop like loving the spouse/significant other when they are gone, that love will forever be there.
2). No two people grieve the same…
3). and lastly shallow, judgemental assholes will always be just that. It’s unfortunate that more people can’t be caring, compassionate, positive, and supporting 😦
Hugs to you and your babies on your continued journey!
-Widowed, remarried, and peaceful with my life.
Shanna McDonough Adams
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Thank you for your post and for a slight slap in the face … when I saw he was engaged I thought “already” but I hope more out of surprise than judgment (who knows). Your words have opened my mind a lot and hopefully the next time I read that someone is getting married after losing a spouse my first thought will be “how wonderful.” I am an old dog but I just learned a new trick.
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This is beautifully written and rings so true. I cannot imagine your loss and I applaud your bravery and your eloquent defense. Much love from a stranger. ❤
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I was widowed at the age of 46 just three weeks ago. All kinds of thoughts have gone through my head over the last three weeks, the pain of loss, sadness, happy memories, unhappy memories, guilt that I still have a life ahead of me and he doesn’t. There may or may not be a time when I meet someone who I would like to spend the rest of my life with. It may be sooner, it may be later, it not be ever, who knows. But one thing is certain, I would be entering into another relationship remembering the pain and loss of losing my husband as I am sure most people who have been in this situation do. It will not be a decision I take lightly or easily, it will not be same as when I made the decision to marry my husband. As the saying goes, walk a mile in my shoes and then judge. No-one can imagine what it is like to lose your husband, lover, pain in the ass, soulmate, sounding board etc etc, it hurts, but you have to get on with life even if you don’t feel like it, which you don’t at times, because you are still alive and I know that is what he would want. So please don’t judge me if in a while I meet someone I would like to share my life with.
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Rachel, I’m so sorry. I’m eight months out now (and 48), and I am blissfully only barely aware of how bad the first three months were. The brain is wonderful that way. I just wanted to say I’m sorry and to remind you to keep going. I often did not want to, but I’m glad I did.
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Rachel, I too was 46 when my husband died suddenly. That was 21 years ago. I can only remember random bits of the first several months. I felt at a remove from my daily life, as thought I was wrapped in protective gauze. To this day, even though I have been remarried for some time, not a day goes by but I remember and think about him. Your experience is unfolding as uniquely yours, but I wanted to share that I have never felt the need to “move on.” Why would I want to erase 20 years of my life? It is part of who I am. My second husband is a kind and wise man who gets it. I wish you strength and comfort as you move through your process.
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Congratulations, live your life! It’s no ones job to judge you. There is nothing to judge! If they can’t pray for you and your family, and that God will heal your heart……….. Oh well. Pray for them.
Live life.
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Thank you so much. A close friend sent this to me. My lovely wife of 17 years passed March 26th 2016 after a long hard fight with cancer. As I sat by her side after she made the decision to end the fight she begged me to move on, be happy and remarry. I couldn’t. She begged and cried for days as the time got closer for me to promise. I finally did never thinking I could make good on that promise. On December 31st of that year I ment someone I never even dreamed could have existed. I was just looking for a companion and had been on a couple of dates. They just didn’t feel right. This was different right from hello it felt right. She not only acpetted that I will always love my late wife she wants her to be part of our lives. We are getting married new years day. This has caused a lot of what you have talked about. Sadly with my late wife’s family and our kids. Two have disowned me completely. Thank you for writting this.
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My dad died on my mom’s 54th birthday after a grueling battle with cancer. I can’t tell you how happy I would have been if she had found someone the next week to share her life and love her. It didn’t happen, but I would never have begrudged her a moment of happiness with someone else.
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I feel the same way as a grief stricken widower. I’ve been divorced now for over a year I have three kids and two with my ex wife. When I decided to marry again it was after four years of being single. I loved my single wife but met an old friend on Facebook and we quickly hit it off. After four months of a love that would never seem possible we were married. Our marriage was filled with its ups and downs but I was more in love with her after the jounrey than before it started. For someone to just run out on a family and start one over again within a month of leaving me though let’s you understand her angle I assume. Until you go through grief of losing someone that you depending on for everything than you shouldn’t judge. You shouldn’t judge even when you have went through such an experience. We are to love everyone and be Christ like in all that we do. Grow in faith and wisdom even when things don’t go as we would have predicted. God has a plan even if we can’t see it at first. God Bless you and the words that you post to make others understand the journey.
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I, too, own those shoes you walk in. As does my second husband. Well said. Reposted.
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It’s definitely not that mr Oswalt has found someone a year after wife’s sudden death. I recalled her death with great sympathy for her husband until police and autopsy reports were released. Ms McNamara was found in a drug den and most drugs at their home were not in her system capped off with his stand up acts admiting his personal drug use and confirming he actually supplied her the drugs the day she died. With a very young minor in the home hopefully he will change his ways but hope child services has done a thorough investigation.
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I am a Widow of 11months. The above article is so true. My sweet love ❤️ passed suddenly two and a half months after a triple bypass, August 13, 2016. He was recovering so well until he dropped right in front of me and died. I was in shock for months. Being 53 and a very physical person, I was so in need of comfort. My love had been there for me for 17 years. To comfort and satiate any needs or feelings of sadness. Now he is gone. Like they said, everyone judges you because you should be sitting alone for months, while everyone else gets to go home to their loved ones. It’s torture. And so true that it’s all about the judgement of society and has nothing to do with the needs of the victim or widowed person.
I decided not to let others control my life and decisions after my husband passed. He would have wanted that, so after when I felt it was appropriate for myself, I decided to start dating. It was a distraction before I had to tackle the residual of his death, every so often. Seven months is when I started to see my current friend. It’s true that a person’s love is great enough to be able to fulfill both loves at once. There is room for both. My husband’s passing taught me that life is so precious. And for us who are lucky enough to still be here, we should be thankful everyday and live every minute like it’s your last! That’s what he would have wanted because he lived his life like that.
Diane Link
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What a beautifully well written and poignant piece. There are few things more beautiful than seeing someone move on from the darkest moments of their lives losing a spouse/ significant other and find love again. Thank you for your words.
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Beautifully written! Thank you for putting into words what I hope many were thinking. Both my mom and my mother in law were widowed within 6 months of each other and we have seen how differently grief is for everyone. Wishing you the best on your journey.
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Also. People should seriously factor in differsences between men and women. And no, of course everybody is different and an individual. I get and agree with this.
But statistically speaking, men will remarry within the first year of becoming widowed. I’ve been told you’re not ready only by women and especially divorced moms. I’ve gotten the worse from moms especially, as far as judgements are concerned. As if it is their life and their minds, hearts and decisions. Of course Patten is with another, according to normalcy and widower male history, it is actually to be expected. Most don’t seem to even see or know this. People live in judgements according to their own rules, which is generally without a modicum of wisdom, insight or especially compassion.
Most don’t even realize that a widow is by far the best lover. The most learned. A very hot commodity. One who truly actually appreciates the real greatness of life. Caring for the real true things in life. Living and loving like there is no tomorrow, cause one can see first hand, there may not be a tomorrow.
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Thank you Erica. I expect to be judged. I will never understand why people want widow/ers to live in hell to make them more comfortable.
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I am a Bereavement Specialist and this is one of the best things I have read in a long time. Well done.
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Thank you, As a widow of going on 14 years, you expressed this so beautiful. I’m happy Mr. Oswald has found happiness again and I pray you can too. The love of my life and best friend died in my arms after 17 good years together
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Thank you for your beautiful words. I’m a widow of 5 weeks. We were married 6 months, 2 days. When we began our relationship, he had been widowed 9 months. His wife of 35 years passed from ALS — need I say more about that. It was in the 3 months prior to our beginning that he finally didn’t want to die and had stopped praying for God to take him. Then, here we are, together, talking, spending time together, just 9 months after her death. He was renewed, reborn, rejoicing, praising God, and so was I. I had been a divorced, single, grandmother a long time. Daughter #1 promptly reminded him that it was too soon and that he said he would never marry again — texted from the comfort of her own home and husband. We were married 8 months after we began our relationship, by our church pastor, among family and friends, but no #1 daughter there. Ten days after our marriage, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. He died never hearing from #1 daughter ever again. It’s between her and God. We are to let God fight these battles and pray for those who have hearts of stone. God is good and heals the broken-hearted. He has a plan for each of us and did not want his son to die alone and broken-hearted. What a plan he had for us!!!! Praise God for choosing me to serve his son in preparation for his journey into eternity.
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As a former widow who married several years after my first husband’s death, thank you for writing this. It needed to be said!
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