Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
I lost my husband to cancer in February. It has been very hard, but I keep busy & I stay close to God & my church. Just knowing that my husband is in heaven is a good feeling. My step daughter sent me this & I am so glad.
My brother lost his wife almost 11 years ago. six months after she died he found someone else & has been married to her for several years. many in my family were so mad at him, including his own children, & they still are. Also my daughter lost her husband 2 years ago & six months after his passing she found someone else & has been living with him since. She was left with 4 kids to raise on her own. I am glad she has someone to help her & help take care of her & her children. sometimes I don’t trust him, but I am not the one that chose him.
I do not judge how soon someone finds another after the death of a spouse. I like everything you had to say.
GOOD JOB & MAY YOU FIND THE HAPPINESS YOU DESERVE.
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I became a widow in February, but I lost my husband to cancer months before that….. Not yet 40, with our 3 children, a son from my first marriage, and his older son who I raised, now all on my own. Thank you for your words. Since he passed, I have felt strangely confined to follow some unwritten widow’s etiquette guidelines that someone had forgotten to give to me. But I don’t have to follow anyone’s guidelines but my own. You are so right- THEY don’t get to have an opinion. They don’t know the conversations that were had between my husband and myself. They don’t know that my grieving started months before he passed when he was no longer the man I married. They weren’t there when I went from being a wife to a nurse. I’m not yet ready to date but when I am, it will be on my own timeline and not anyone else’s.
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Hello! I read your blog this morning via FB. I totally agree. I lost my wife over 2 years ago and today, I’m happily engaged to be married again!!! God is awesome ! As a widower, our hearts can expand and love again. I think your blog was spot on and thanks for sharing!!!
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I have not lost a spouse, I cannot begin to imagine your loss and experience, but your writing is so relevant and still speaks volumes to me as someone who is going through a divorce and grieving in different but also similar ways regarding life and learning to love again. Thank you so much for sharing.
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We cannot judge when we have not walked in someone’s shoes. My very best friend lost her husband to cancer. She mourned way before he even died. She was introduced to a man who lost his wife to cancer the very same week. They were married before a year was up and still are over 40 years later.
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Well said! Widowed x2; remarried x2. My first wife asked me to marry her hospice nurse multiple times before she died. She did not want me to be alone, and she and her nurse were like two peas in a pod. Then my second wife, who was there when Linda died of Pulmonary Fibrosis, ended up with Lewy Body Dementia. I was astounded to know how many of my friends felt they had a vote regarding how I was supposed to grieve and recover. My third wife is the mortician who cared for both of my wives, and knew both of them. I caught negative stuff from relatives, my minister, friends, coworkers. We who lose get to choose how we will continue living. May the new couple find happiness, and a long and fulfilling life together.
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You married the mortician of your two dead wives? That sounds like a bad movie twist. I’m not trying to hate on you, I’m just saying objectively that, stripped of context, it sounds weird and somewhat inappropriate.
Honestly, the biggest downside to your situation now is that if your third wife dies, you won’t be able to use your “Buy 2 get 1 free!” coupon at her mortuary.
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You think you are funny? Grow up!
The universe takes care of people like you
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Not only do you rip into people so gracefully, you also give encouragement to those widowed, thank you!
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We all lose people. We all grieve. The love of your life is no more or less important than any other loved one. Calling people ignorant assholes is beneath you and invalidates your point.
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You obviously haven’t lost the love of your life Deborah and yes every loss is painful and hurts but no one gives anyone grief for moving on unless it’s the loss of a spouse.
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You don’t get to decide where a loved one falls in the author’s estimation. She can call people ignorant assholes if they are, in fact, behaving like ignorant assholes. You’ll have to clarify how this invalidates her point, when that is the exact point that she is trying to make.
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Geeze, Deborah- Spoken like a truly clueless person. i have lost friends, relatives, and the best damn dog in the entire universe. They all hurt. But NONE prepared me for my husband’s death- the man I slept next to every night, who knew me so much better than my own parents and best friends combined, the man I had (tons of) sex with, fer chrissake! Trust me- it’s Super Duper Very Different. And yes- those comments not only came from a place of supreme ignorance, but also with the sole intention to judge- which does indeed make them assholes.
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Anyone who would judge someone in this situation is definitely an asshole, make no mistake.
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No it doesn’t, because that’s what they are and her point is valid as hell.
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It doesn’t invalidate her point. It merely fails to logically reinforce it, while expressing her feelings on the matter. Given the nature of the topic, I think it’s fair to express some feelings along with giving the logic.
-E-
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The use of language, all available words, invalidates her argument? Baloney. Your rather ambiguous reference to all loves and all lives simply supports the certain reality that you have never been widowed. I lost my late wife after 24 years of a terrible cancer. I didn’t just have to manage the loss of my partner of a quarter century, but the loss of a mom to all of my children, a daughter to my mother in law and a sibling to my brothers and sisters in law. I have lost grandparent and close friends – not even remotely close to losing my spouse. I’ll use two words – judgmental asshole.
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This is the first time that I’ve reads this author’s work. This piece is excellent; appropriately angry and compassionate with an eloquence few can muster. While I agree the use of the word “a**hole” was not necessary, it helps to convey her anger and the pettiness of those standing in judgement and certainly does not invalidate her point.
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I don’t usually use words like that. I sat for 20 minutes trying to think of a better alternative but couldn’t seem to come up with one. “Jerks” just didn’t seem to cut it lol
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Thank you…Everyone’s situation is different…..she has no idea what the family of the deceased is going through or what the spouse has put them through.
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No it doesn’t
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She is allowed to call them however she sees fit. If you do not want her calling people ignorant assholes, why don’t you write your own article and use your own verbiage. Sometimes, people only understand rude.
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As a widow who has taken far too long to try and love again my hat is off to Mr. Oswald for his bravery and transparency in his grief journey, he unwittingly shown a light of healing for many. To Erica, your response was so laser sharp, true and needed. I pray you find the love a beautiful soul as yourself deserves. And dear judgmental trolls who sound as if they want their loved ones to grieve forever over them (should the unfortunate happen), well, no words of wisdom, just go fuck yourselves…..
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I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing YOUR person; to be in a place of darkness and despair. We all need to have a little more compassion and understanding.
I am happy that Patton can find love again. He deserves it. This is YOUR blog, I’m glad you shared YOUR thoughts.
I pray for your continued strength.
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Bravo, for articulating these feelings of frustration so well. Judging other people’s actions seems to be a full time job for some. Life is short and should be celebrated as often as possible.
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In my experience, people who have had a wonderful love and who have few regrets in that love are the ones most eager to find that again. With that being said, look at it as a compliment to the first spouse that their relationship was so good and so special that they do not want to live life with out that kind of connection. I know that there are exceptions to that rule, that their are some people who simply cannot stand to be alone. Life is short and comes with no guarantees. janet
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While I have never lost a spouse, I have dealt unfortunately with the loss of loved ones. Reading about some of journey was truly moving and heart wrenching, and I just want to thank you for sharing your experience. I think it’s incredible brave that he is able to love again, and I agree she will never be like the wife he lost – no one can ever replace another person. And I hope that someday you too will find someone to share your life with, and I will wish you, just like I wish Patton Oswalt, all the best and a hearty congratulations.
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Yes. Yes. YES! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this! One of my dear friends died unexpectedly leaving behind a pregnant wife and their two young kids. I have staunchly defended her as she has found love again, to others who claim it is ‘too soon’. In my opinion what I feel they are most afraid of is that if THEY died and their spouses moved on, they would feel replaceable. I have even called out a few friends on this and they have agreed. Stop judging and be happy that your widowed friend with 3 young children has a partner who loves and supports her!
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Hello my name is Christine . I lost my husband about the same time you lost yours . I want to thank you for this post . It takes bravery to try again . It takes strength and courage to open your heart again. Someone who has not lost a spouse cannot possibly know how terrifying that is , worry about what other people are going to think , and therefore have no right to speak about any of this . I hope to someday love again . I just haven’t met that person yet . But for all the people out there who have , live . Live out loud . Love with all your heart . Life is short, and things can turn on a dime , so live . Thank you Erica this is an absolutely beautiful post and something that I definitely needed to hear !
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Reblogged this on DragonflyLady's Writey Ramblings and commented:
Grief is a very personal journey and you are absolutely right, NO ONE has any right to tell a person when they should be ready or not to move on.
I haven’t lost a spouse but I lost a baby before term and it’s the other way around. You get the whole “oh it’s been a year, you should be over it by now”, “at least you still have your daughter!”.
❤
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Our stories are so much alike with mine happening 20 years ago next month. I lost my best friend/ father of my son and our unborn child to a auto/pedestrian accident. He was the pedestrian. I went thru years of hate that God would put me and my child thru this. My pregnancy was high risk due to the stress that I went thru. I would have lost all faith if I had lost my child for sure.
I really just want to say with all that being years ago and lots of time behind me that I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Even when it’s unclear at the time and it doesn’t make sense. Things will fall into place for you and your kids. Be prepared to help your kiddos mourn the loss of their father. Even though they will not remember or were not here yet, they still go thru a grieving time too. At least my boys did. With time things do get easier but you will never forget. I am married with another child and I still have flashbacks and struggle from time to time coping with what I lost. Just take it one day at a time. “This to shall pass” was my daily quote!!
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Don’t even know who the hell this guy is…
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You. Are. A. Goddess. Thank you for writing.
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God bless. You made me tear up and made me want to stand up and roar at the same time. Bravo! I have no doubt that you too will find love and peace and happiness again because of that very same spirit.
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Bravo.
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This is amazing, I lost my partner a year ago and when I started dating again, I got a lot of haters as well. I’m actually in the middle of writing a blog post on this exact issue so good to know I’m not alone in feeling how incredibly unfair these comments on other peoples grieving process is!
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My daughter sent me a link to this post. She was 8 when her father died suddenly. She is now 30. She and I have seen each other go through our processes, and she understands now from an adult’s as well as a child’s perspective. She knew I would find your post incredibly moving. You have described so powerfully the insensitive, judgmental hell that ignorant assholes visit on people who are already suffering unimaginable pain. Their lack of reticence in telling you what you should be feeling and doing is stunning, literally. I want to add my voice to the many others who thanked you for punching back. I would still like to punch those who tried to explain the five stages of grief to me so they could point out how I was doing it wrong. Your post is a KO. Blessings on you.
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Right on. Thank you for an eloquent defense of two people who deserve to be happy on their own terms. I haven’t lost a life partner, but I’ve lost both parents and some close relatives, and if I’ve learned anything (debatable), it’s just that the pain doesn’t really go away, so one has to keep on living until one learns to tolerate it. And like quite a few other commenters, I hope you also find happiness.
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Beautifully written. Thank you.
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Thank you for posting this. I’m struck by the Anger in their posts, and am wondering if it’s a projection of the anger and helplessness they feel, or even envy. So much anger.
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I lost the love of my life ten and a half years ago…No one will ever fill his shoes; no one will ever fill the emptiness in my life. (In truth, no one looks the slightest bit attractive to me.) I keep busy with work, political activity and cat rescue (and work for the Brain Tumor Society, the disease that took him). But this is me and I would never dare to question other people’s journey through grief. Congratulations, Mr. Oswalt.
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It never ceases to amaze me how people feel it is their right to express any opinion they have. Who gives two craps if it is too soon. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t and people need to keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves. I met and married my husband within two months. Everyone said it was too soon. We got pregnant immediately. Everyone said it was too soon. We had another child 53 weeks later. Everyone said it was too soon. They aren’t my master. God Almighty is. He said it wasn’t too soon and it’s all been great. I hope one day you are able to receive strength from the Lord and remarry in whatever time frame HE sees fit. To me just breathing after such a tragedy is brave! To love another knowing the potential joy and devastation is brave. Having gone through breast cancer, I prayed that if I died my husband would find the courage to love again. Isn’t that what we all wish for our beloved? To continue to love and be loved. Blessings and hugs to you.
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I got married about 10 months after my significant other passed away, and the guilt of that overshadowed much of my joy. I kept thinking what if there is a afterlife, and someday I have to face him there and he asks why I couldn’t wait for him, or at least, waited longer? Which was ridiculous given that I don’t even believe in an afterlife- but that’s what grief does. I had so many dreams where I would see him, and discover it had all been a big misunderstanding; he really was alive and had just fell off the grid for awhile- and how could I move on that fast?
But the truth is that I didn’t move on from my grief. I was moving through my grief. And I certainly wasn’t looking or expecting to meet anyone, but one day I did, in the most random way, and a month later, we went to the justice of the peace, and got married. We’ll celebrate 17 years in November.
That doesn’t mean I have ever forgotten the other man I loved. You don’t get over it, you just try to make peace with it, and live your life. Once the funeral is over, everyone wants you to just get back up and dust yourself off with respect to work, friendship, going out, ect.- but finding love again is taboo. I don’t understand that.
Of course, I still miss him. I’ve finally stopped half-dialing his phone number whenever something big happens, but I still dream about him sometimes, and waking from those dreams is just heartache all over again. But if the tables had been turned I’d have wanted him to find someone again. So that’s how I deal with it. Forget everyone else. Those are their hang ups, not yours. The Internet is full of messed up people who like to tell you how to live your life, how to speak, and who to love. Calling them ignorant, judgmental, assholes sounds pretty on point to me.
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What is wrong with Payton Oswald? NOTHING! This is his life and he seems to have a lot of love in his heart to share with another. GROW UP HATERS!
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I used to be judgemental about this too. Then I read that people who were happily married, and enjoyed being married, were likely to remarry shortly after losing their spouse. That really makes sense to me. And if you are lucky enough to find someone who you can be with, and who doesn’t fight your past memories, then God bless you both.
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Hello there. My life has changed forever on April 11,2017 at 5:18pm. The love of my life Paul, my husband of only 8 months, left me and our then six and 1/2 months son. Some parts of the day I am ok, then I just cry. I still have a hard time eating, and sleeping. The only thing keeping me going everyday is our son. I don’t think my life will ever be able to be happy, happy again. I love my son will all my heart, but part of my heart left me the day Paul died. I swear, I feel like I have aged ten years in the time he has been gone.
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“One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built.” So simple and so crazy beautiful. I’m so glad I read this.
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My dad started dating again about six months after my mother passed away, after a 3-year battle with ALS, and he remarried about a year after that. This was several years ago and our family is great now but it was really, really hard for me and my siblings at the time, and I struggled with a lot of these thoughts about feeling like it was all “too soon.” But I had a really wonderful therapist who told me a lot of things that were super helpful and that helped me see what I wasn’t able to see from my own perspective as a grieving child: namely, that I had no way of knowing what the conversations were that took place between my mom and my dad after she got sick, about him dating or remarrying again someday. I also knew, from conversations that I’d had with my mom about other couples, long before she got sick, that she was wholly in favor of people marrying again after losing a spouse. My therapist also told me to remember that marrying again after a spouse dies is a compliment to the previous spouse – that it meant my father had loved being married, and that he wanted to have that again. A lot of this was stuff I couldn’t see in the immediate aftermath of losing a parent, when I was just sad and angry and lashing out, but it helped a lot in the long run with the healing process and being able to welcome my stepmom into our family to try and reframe my perspective. The other really powerful thing my therapist told me once, which I held onto a lot as I was dealing with my grief and frustration at how things were changing before I was ready, was to remind me how much better it was for my dad to find love again and remarry than the alternative. She was like “he could have been one of those people who suffers a loss and just never recovers.” And I thought about that a lot – about how horrible it would be if that grief just broke him and was something that could never be repaired – and when i look at that possibility next to how happy and vibrant he is now, it’s no contest.
I was at the coast with my family for 4th of July when my little brother was scrolling through his phone and told us, “Awwww, Patton Oswalt got engaged again!” and we had a little moment of shared delight over it. I’m really glad he’s not going to be one of those people who never recovers. I wish all happiness to him, and to you. Thank you so much for your eloquent words.
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I agree that the criticism of Patton Oswalt’s engagement is misplaced. I disagree that those who are uncomfortable with his engagement are not entitled to their opinion.
Everyone is entitled to grieve in their own way. But if you choose to grieve publicly, through Facebook posts, Twitter, or a blog, then you lose the right to shut people down who become invested and express their opinion about what you have placed before them.
You can’t tell people to mind their own business when you’ve made them partners in yours.
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Just…. thank you. Justifying myself as a dating widow is exhausting but being judged does not stop me from embracing life and new love. Widowed 10 Sept 2016. Miss him daily. 💔
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This is an amazing piece! My husband died unexpectedly in March of this year from an undiagnosed heart condition as well & it is devastating. I am a young widow with a young son. I hate all the judgements from smug people who don’t truly understand what that kind of loss is like. They speak of what they do not know . Patton’ s posts about loss were brutally honest & I could understand exactly where he was coming from. He seems so lovely & being a widow myself-well him finding love again makes me feel hope. I wish him all the best and to all the haters-I have two words for you & it isn’t happy birthday
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Maybe it’s my polyamory talking (I hope not!) but I sincerely hope that anyone I love so dearly IS able to have love after me, as soon as possible, please!
How can you NOT want your loved ones to have more love when they are hurt?
How can you look at someone else who lost love through no fault of their own, and think to yourself, “They don’t deserve to love again yet!”
How can you look at your own loved ones and think “When I’m gone, they’d better suffer enough!”
What does it say about them, that they wish more strongly for their loved ones’ suffering than for their love and happiness and joy? I can’t understand it, and I sure wouldn’t want to be on their list if that’s how they treat the ones they love!
I am glad to hear a man who lost his spouse has found love again. I hope as well for you, dear author.
-E-
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I lost my husband 4 years ago to cancer – for 3 years I wallowed in self pity hiding from life and resenting the world… that is no way to live and I know for a fact that my husband would have been disappointed with what I allowed myself to become during that time because we talked about it at length whilst he was alive… I have since broken out of this cycle and have moved forward with an awesome new relationship and have built a new life for myself.
Any one who has watched a loved one sicken and/or pass before them knows that life is too god damned short to give a shit about what others think. But to those that have never known that agony, I hope you never do… but DO NOT think you have the right to judge what you can not possibly understand. If some one manages to find a new reason to get up in the morning after that kind of pain how dare you tell them they are wrong for grabbing it with both hands.
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Bravo…. I write this as I return from vacation with my girlfriend. I lost my late wife to cholangiocarcinoma after 24 years together. I have suffered the burning judgments and criticisms of friends, family and strangers. Your references to hearts expanding and room for more in our hearts is so beautifully penned. Your expanded happiness is most certainly on its ways to you… bravo bravo
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Thankyou so much for your blog. No one grieves in the same way. Some have short, some have long mourning periods. But one thing, I think, everyone has in common, is the longing for that person that has passed. I saw my father going through extreme heartache from 1 Sep 11, when my mother passed away. It wasn’t long before he met someone, and we as children (all out of the house) knew that nothing would replace my mother, and that my father’s happiness would now be the main priority. We all said as long as he is happy, we are happy. The relationship didn’t last long, but my father then met a wonderful widow, and they have now been happily married for two years.
In 2015 I met the love of my life, at that stage only a widower for a few weeks, with four children above 10 years old. Eventhough it took us till 2016 to start a relationship it has been well worth it. It is a difficult road to walk sometimes, but knowing and remembering what my dad went through made me learn empathy and patience. Yesterday we celebrated a year and 6 months together, and recently I was made part of the special remembrance ceremony my love and his children have for their mother. I am blessed. Every person and every life is unique, and love should always remain priority.
Sincerly,
Z
South Africa
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