Yesterday I was very excited to see that the comedian Patton Oswalt had announced his engagement to Meredith Salenger. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t follow the lives of celebrities at all. I’ve made an exception for him. Our spouses both unexpectedly died within 3 days of each other and both of us have processed our grief journey fairly openly. (Of course, his platform is a mite bigger than mine lol)
On the 102nd day of his journey (105 for me) he wrote in a Facebook post,
“I was face-down and frozen for weeks. It’s 102 days later and I can confidently say I have reached a point where I’m crawling. Which, objectively, is an improvement. Maybe 102 days later I’ll be walking.”
I shared that post on my own page because I could connect to that place he was in. No longer frozen, but the crawling was so painful.
Well, it’s been 442 days for him now and it makes my heart happy to see that his heart has continued to move forward, that it has healed and expanded to the place where he can now love another. My happiness for him quickly shifted to indignant anger on his behalf as I began to read the comments under the article
Comment after comment poured out judgment and disdain. It made me sick. I had to stop reading before I gave in to the temptation to rain fire in response to every comment. Instead, I decided to address them here all at once.
So, my dear ignorant, judgmental, assholes, this one is for you.
You aren’t entitled to an opinion. You don’t get to comment on the choices of a widower while you sit happily next to your own living spouse. You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. You didn’t have to face the agony of despair and the only person who could possibly bring you comfort had been ripped from your life forever. You didn’t have to stand in the ashes of what was once your life when the sun itself darkened and the very air you breathed felt toxic in your lungs. Go back to scrolling Facebook and keep your ignorance to yourself.
Who gave you the position to judge when it’s “too soon” for a person who has suffered the worst to be able to find happiness and companionship again? It’s been 15 months! How long should a widow sit in isolation before YOU are comfortable enough to release them from their solitary confinement? Because it’s really about you isn’t it? You aren’t actually concerned about the heart of the person who has found the strength and courage to love once more. You’re worried about your own offended sensibilities rooted in old Victorian traditions. Stop pretending you are actually concerned about their “healing.”
And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.
And another thing. The person who comes after cannot and will not replace the one we lost. To imply that is insulting to the widow, it’s insulting to the new love and it’s insulting to the love who was lost. Earlier I said that I was happy to see Patton Oswalt’s heart had expanded. I used that word intentionally. I say expanded because that’s what widowed hearts do. They expand. One love isn’t moved out to make room for someone new. An addition is built. Just like my love for my daughter was not diminished by the birth of my son, so too, the love widows can have for someone new does not diminish the love of the one lost. The expansion of the heart is part of the grieving process.
We’ve gone through hellfire and lived. We don’t need your negativity in our lives. So please, if what you have to say about a widow or widower finding love again isn’t supportive and encouraging then keep it to yourself. We aren’t interested in hearing it.
Ps. Mr.Oswalt, if this somehow gets to you, from one widow to another, I would like to say congratulations from the bottom of my heart. I am so incredibly happy for you and I hope I am just as lucky someday.
I’d like to take a moment to shout out two of my favorite widow/er writers and their own blogs tackling this subject: John Polo’s “Sit Down, And Shut Up.” and Kerry Phillips’ “Loving Two Men”
If you’ve been touched by my writing or would simply like to support me in this journey you can do so by clicking here.
Romans 14:4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
Erica Roman Blog 
So right on point Erica! Losing my beloved husband, soul mate and best friend of 20 years this past February created a vast emptiness that filled my heart and lungs and restricted my ability to think or even breathe. During the acute grief and intense isolation I felt in the wake of Tim’s (“Babe’s”) death, I prayed every night for him to watch over me and help me find strength and resilience in the face of such incredible adversity. I also asked that he play a pivotal role in helping to bring someone special in my life, someone who was blessed with some of the great qualities I so admired in him.
On March 15 that special person came into my life and since then we have been riding this journey of bereavement together. Even after what has clearly been one of the most life shattering experiences, this special someone has helped me grow by finding deeper meaning and gaining greater appreciation for all my blessings since Tim’s/Babe’s tragic and unexpected passing. We are taking the remainder of this year to celebrate and honor Tim’s/Babe’s legacy before we formally announce our “next steps” in what continues to be a beautiful journey of rediscovering joy and love.
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You met this person one month or 13 months later?
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Your fascination with other people’s dating lives and timelines is kind of… well… creepy
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BRAVA.
You’ve said everything that needs saying.
I congratulate you on your successful journey through the agony of lost love — as I congratulate Patton Oswalt.
Anybody judging a widow/er based on how much grieving time has elapsed before they find a new love? Douchebag. Massive, twatwaddling douchebag.
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What if it were one day later? Is that okay? Can people feel deeply disturbed if the widow starts dating at the funeral?
There has to be some point at which we can all agree: okay, that’s too soon. Maybe while the body is still warm?
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So you use a completely improbable series of scenarios to not only justify when you should feel uncomfortable, but when everyone should feel uncomfortable. You have presented what is called a red herring argument to substantiate how you feel… oddly, you have no… none… zero part to play in any of these people’s lives… so, sadly, your opinion has the value of “Jack squat” on today’s market….
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Hi Erica. Thank you for sharing your journey with the world. I don’t have kids nor have I ever been married or lost a partner but I am the same age as you and that really made me feel more connected to your story. To realize these things could happen to anyone.
It’s nobody’s place to judge.
I gave you a donation on your gofundme and am commenting to mention a different crowdsourcing site just for creatives that might be even better for you, it’s called Patreon. And you would get funds from your supporters monthly.
Thanks again for sharing your journey, wishing you all the best!
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Thank you for sharing your experience, and for being an advocate not only for Mr. Oswalt, but also for other widow/ers out there. I love your description of a heart expanding, I’d never thought of it like that before. What an absolutely beautiful way to think about it. I’m sorry for your loss and the journey you’ve been on, and thank you for your servant heart.
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I don’t personally care what he does in his personal life. But I do find it hypocritical of him to get pissy about people taking shots at him when he spends so much time online taking shots at everyone else.
And by the way, yes I am entitled to have an opinion. Just like everyone else.
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He’s a comedian. Taking shots at people is what he does for a living. He’s literally made a career out of it. You?
Also, your opinion is selfish, uniformed, and immature. So yes, you are entitled to it – it’s just not a very good one.
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Sorry, comedians don’t get a pass to badger and harass everyone without ever facing the consequences themselves. –
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It is an unbelievable insightful opinion coming from someone who has been there! Thank you Erica!!!
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You’re mean. Just mean.
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^5 Summer S. 👏👏👏
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I was thinking the same exact thing!
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Unmmm, he’s a comedian. Taking shots at others is kind of like, his job. One he’s been very successful at for quite a while. Based on your theory a doctor has no right to complain about the state of healthcare… because he’s been making people healthy. Kind of wonky logic…
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My mother died unexpectedly when she was 58. My father was devastated. They’d been in the process of adopting my niece, and he told me the only reason he didn’t kill himself was he had to stick around to raise her. 3 years later, my dad found a new love. When I was growing up, my mom and dad were very clear with each other that, should one of them die, the other was to find love again. Unfortunately, one of my brothers doesn’t honor that. My dad didn’t stop loving my mother. At the same time, by the time he most likely dies himself, had he not found his new wife, he would’ve spent 20 years alone. In fact, I’d bet he’ll be living longer because he has the love and support of a wonderful woman. In my own life, I’ve also been very clear with my partner that, should I die young, he’s to find a new love…but just not to love them as much as me, lol!
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This certainly sums up our lives. My husband and I were both married for 34 years before losing our spouses. We found love two years later and are thankful and blessed to be in each other’s lives. We laugh at the thought that we should have waited to meet someone else’s timelines. Love deserves a home and we made one. 💕💕
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This is beautifully written and, of course, spot on. Bless your heart and your family.
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I am in awe of your openness and fluent insight with your comments….I am so behind you for every word you wrote…thank you…. thank you more than I can even begin to express……
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I appreciate the article as it relates personally to me. My wife, daughters and I lost our oldest son (brother) to suicide almost 2 years ago. Throughout our grieving process we heard from many ” experts” on how to grieve – how long to grieve, how intense the grief should be, the right time to grieve and the wrong time to grieve. What we’ve learned in these past two years is that grief is intensely personal, it brings different things for different people. To say that there is a time limit on grief is a bit naïve. Grief has no end, but the amplitude of the grief dampens over time… Even that time is unique to the individual. it is unfortunate that there seems to be hard and fast rules for how long you’re supposed to grieve, what you are supposed to feel, and how you are supposed to live your life. These are all wrong . Ignore those people who profess to know how you should live your life… They are not in your shoes; they do not feel your pain; they do not feel the tremendous void that was left in your life when your loved one passed. In fact, they are more focused on being right than being there for you…just my thoughts
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My daughter sent your blog post to me and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Approaching the two year anniversary of my husbands sudden and unexpected passing. I went on my first date at 14 months…and probably judged myself more than others did me. Thank you for your raw honesty here…I’ve shared it on my Facebook page in hopes that others will take the time to read and learn.
#justlove
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I should’ve mentioned how terrified I was to go on that first date. It was dinner…and my biggest fear was that I would see someone that I knew….it’s taken me a long time to get over that fear.
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Bless you Erica! I’ll be praying for you to find happiness and love again! I lost my dear wife to cancer after 40 years of a great marriage. Since finding love again and getting remarried “too soon” now I’m trying to deal with the loss of relationships with most of my close family. 😦
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Be patient, I have found most people tend to figure it out. Those who don’t, what are you going to do? But I protect my new relationship. from the senseless critics. Glad your on a new path. Good luck.
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This is pure awesomeness. I lost my wife in 2014 after an 11 year battle with MS. It was excruciating watching the person I love slowly diminish until God took her home. It was a brutal grieving process, because much of it took place while she was still living, albeit in a nursing home where she could not leave the bed for the last 3 years of her life. But I, too, found new love and my heart expanded (love that term) to be able to accept new love. She is TMBGITW (the most beautiful girl in the world) and I am so lucky to have found her (and for her to have said yes to our first date LOL). I absolutely love this blog post and God bless you for posting it, because anyone who is a naysayer about the situations that Patton, you or I or any other widow/er have been through is a complete and utter moron. This brought a huge ray of sunshine into my day today. Thank you.
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“And it does take strength and courage. To imply that it is weakness that drives someone who has lost their spouse to choose to love again is asinine. Unlike most, those who have been widowed are hyper aware that everyone they see will someday die. We know intimately that the price of love is pain. So if you see a widow or widower overcome that knowledge and choose to open their heart to that pain once again, instead of judging, you should be celebrating their bravery and fortitude. That much courage deserves a freaking parade.”
Amen! Not widowed, but all I could think about was what you managed to put into words. Those who survive the loss of a partner amazes me. The strength they find to live, really LIVE, is beyond explanation and just plain beautiful. Thank you for reaching for that strength every day and for being a voice that needs to be heard.
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I lost my husband to cancer…a long valiant fight. It took eight years before beginning to get social again…this can be a lonely scary road to take after a long marriage….eventually I met someone who I gave my heart to and he told me he loved me over and over ….turned out he didn’t. I still believe in remarriage if you can find the right person….after my experience I have given up, and hope is a sad thing to lose. I keep myself busy …but still there is nothing quite like knowing there is someone there, beside you through the challenges life has to offer …so much happiness to all of you who find genuine love, with emphasis on the word genuine …
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Very well written! Kudos to you for responding so articulate with truth!
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Erica, you are an amazing woman and a very powerful, beautiful writer. I sent a link to this blog to my sister who was widowed at 26. She ended up meeting her now-husband about a year later. While they dated for a few years before marrying, she faced some backlash for moving on, especially from my late brother-in-law’s family. When she ready your post, she cried and said even ten years after his death, the pain of losing my brother-in-law as well as the joy of the years they had together is always with her. Today she is happily remarried with two children. You will get through this. I am so glad Patton Oswalt spoke out about you and called attention to your words! Keep writing and I wish you and your two children the very best. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I look forward to continuing to read your blog!
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You are amazing! And, a beautiful writer. I would be pleased to follow you and be inspired by your heart that speaks through your words. There is not a word you have written I disagree with. I wish you love and success in life.
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That was so beautifully put. My Mom died after a very long battle with cancer when I was still in school. I had been adopted late in my parent’s life so they had already been married close to 30 years (high school sweethearts). Dad grieved for months. A year later, I returned from an overnight stay with a friend to find a woman’s item in the home and I asked Dad about it. He blushed as only an Irishman can, and stammered “I’m seeing someone, I want to marry her but I was afraid you’d be upset. I asked him who it was worrying it was someone after his money. It was a widow he’d been introduced to by mutual friends a few months after Mom died. We knew her family and they were the best people, her having too lost her husband a few years ago. They were married a year after Mom died and remained happy for 30 years when she passed. As Dad said “how lucky am I to find the love of my lif TWICE!” He’s 97 and mourns them both each day.
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I’ve been a widow for 14 years now. My children were 2, 4 and 9 when their father passed.
I actually go through the opposite of what most widow(ers) go through. I have people asking me all the time why don’t I remarry or date. I do date. And I’ve not remarried…… not because I don’t want to, but because I’ve not dated anyone I want to marry.
I feel it’s a gift to be in a great marriage. And for those that find love for a second, third time I applaud you.
People will always have an opinion. And now that social media is stronger than ever, opinions are thrown out like flies on poop. It’s just everywhere. Even you dear Erica….with you’re blog. I’m sure it was started to help with your grieving process. But your comments about Patton and him remarrying is your opinion. I for one think it’s great that he’s found love again. (my opinion)
Erica, I’m sure you’ll find love again as well. And I’m sure people will have their opinion(s) about it when you do. But I for one will be happy for you.
And for all of you other widows(ers) hang in there. Each new day is a beautiful day filled with hope, discoveries and adventure.
Jane
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Thank you for articulating this. I lost my love of 21 years, and while I chose not to date the first couple of years after as I had young kids, I’m now remarried. It doesn’t take away my love for either man. Just like I have enough love for my two kids, I can love two men.
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Three years, eight months and a few days. Three kids. In love again, and cultivating happiness. Thanks for your post and defense of Patton. He’s to be only congratulated and admired for his wisdom and resilience. The pressure and investment others had in my remaining the grieving widower and alone was shocking. I have passed a lot of it off as their insecurity about their own place in the world. They don’t know. I wish I had found voices like yours and Patton’s back then. Had to say, thanks.
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Maybe you missed the part where he has a young daughter who is old enough to understand what is going on as well and has her own grieving to do. Or does she grieve exactly as her father does as well? If he feels he can move on in a matter of months into a new relationship then so be it. I’m not sure how it works that way for him, but oh well. His child is another thing.
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There is no way that this is good for his daughter. That there should have slowed this process WAY down.
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You base that observation on what knowledge, experience or professional training? We all want to know how you have come to such a definitive conclusion about a couple and a child that you actually know absolutely nothing about. Enlighten us oh wise one…. how is it “no way”?
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Erica, I love your comments about moving forward after the loss of a loved one. I am sorry that you have endured such a great loss in your life, as well. I lost my wonderful husband in July of 2016 and it is the most excruciating and painful experience I have endured. We were together for 36 years and we both agreed that if anything happened to one of us that we would want the other to move forward as quickly as possible. I think if you truly love someone you would not want them to spend their time mourning the loss any longer than is needed for them to process the grief in a healthy manner. Moving forward and getting into another relationship needs to be in the timeframe that is appropriate for the person that suffered the loss and you made that clear in your blog. Fortunately, my friends and family are all for me moving on because they knew my late husband would want that. After such a great loss, it is sometimes hard to get things back in order and I would not have anyone in my life who tried to impose a timeframe for grieving and moving on with my life. Your blog is no doubt healing for many people and I am glad my friend sent me the link to your blog. I will continue to read you thoughtful and inspiring words.
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My husband Dan died on April 17, 1999 – my 40th birthday. We’d been together almost 15 years and in that time frame had moved across the country, gotten married, had two kids and loved each other unconditionally. There were lots of bumps and hiccups but we always had each other. I was the breadwinner and Dan was the primary parent in our household. Meaning he made sure the kids got to school, took baths etc.
When he got sick – our lives turned upside down but he remained positive. He died as a result of a botched surgery (followed by 5 other surgeries that did more harm than good). To say that my life was turned upside down is probably the biggest understatement ever. My kids were 4 and 6 and I didn’t know how I was going to move forward. Fast forward a year and a half later – I met Les. He was divorced and had twins who didn’t live with him. We dated and after 6 months he met my kids. (Almost) 7 years later – we are engaged and my kids think of him as a parent. No one is going to replace their father and Les doesn’t want to. He loves us unconditionally and never tries to compete or eradicate Dan. He welcomes discussion and offers perspective not judgement.
Those who judge Patton Oswalt have no business doing so. Keep your opinions to yourself as they don’t really matter. The only opinion that matters is that of Patton’s little girl and Patton himself. If his fiancee makes them feel happy and safe – then that’s what everyone else should feel as well.
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Erica,
Thank you so much for sharing this. Back on November 4th of last year, I lost my husband / best friend of the last 25 years.
I cannot tell you how much your line “You didn’t have to stand and watch your mundane morning turn into your absolute worst nightmare. ” resonates with me.
We had just moved away from our lifetime in Chicago, to Texas just a year earlier…. so I found myself rather alone, but had a handful of close friends that we have made here, however nothing like the support system I would have had back in Chicago.
Mornings, were the absolute WORST…. and from there, it was really hard to carry thru the day.
Back in early April, my friendship with one of my close friends (who is also a widower) expanded naturally into love.
While I wasn’t nervous about telling my friends and family, I do have to say that there was a voice in my head asking “is it too soon?”
In May I told my friends about my newfound love, and they were all extremely happy for us.
Two things that resonated in comments they made in multiple occassions.
1.) My late husband Jim, would not want me hurting at all in the way that I was.
2.) Anyone who tells me that “It’s too soon” has their own agenda that they are trying to paint me into, and tell them to shove it.
Thank you again for sharing.
John
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I feel the same way about this issue as I do about people ranting about same sex marriage or anything else that has to do with the LBGT community: It’s is absolutely, positively nobody’s business except those directly involved. Why do so many people care about what goes on in other people’s lives? Maybe because their own lives are missing so much, such as an actual connection with another living, breathing human being. It’s THEIR choice to move on with their lives and get married, not OURS. Other than wishing them well, we should all take a deep breath, step back and leave them the hell alone.
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Mr. Oswalt and Ms. Salenger:
Best wishes as you continue your new life together. Thank you for sharing not only your love for each other with us, but also your journey throughout overwhelming grief.
Ms. Roman: Thank you for your inspirational words and sharing your journey. And for reminding us that finding new love and expanding our hearts is a precious gift.
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The more we love, the more love we have. Thank you for hopefully expanding the hearts of the small-hearted. You will be rewarded!
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Only a widow or widower knows what one is going through, and even then, it’s still so very specific and personal to each person. I was widowed and then remarried within 15 months. I feel no shame whatsoever over loving someone and wanting to share my life with him. When my first husband and I married, I said “Until death do us part” and as morbid as some may hear this, I honored my commitment, and the truth is, my first husband isn’t offended, so why should someone else assume they can be. I too am happy for Patton Oswalt and his fiance. In a world that is all too often full of hate, congratulations to two people who have chosen love.
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Thank you for correcting me and my wrongul opinion of this situation. I needed to read this. Thank you again!
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As a widow, I have found a new love and have gotten nothing but negativity from even those who call me their closest friend. My husband died after a long, hard battle with cancer that left our whole family scarred. The journey of healing has been rough but we are getting there and its been a blessing to find not only love again but a partner to help the healing with the kids. Your response was beautifully written. I have shared it with these so called friends and hope that now they can see it from my point of view.
I wish you all the best in the world.
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I am sorry that you have such small-minded “friends.” Perhaps, you need new (real) friends.
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Dear Erica, I have never followed a blogger before so this is so weird for me but I just read your post about Patton Oswalt and it spoke to me so much that I had to follow you and now comment. As a Xmas gift to my husband I bought him and I tickets to go see Patton just recently. We love him and we were nervous for him because this was one of the first times he was going to do Stand Up after he lost his wife. He as GREAT as usual and even as he finally brought up as he called it “the elephant in the room” – about losing his wife and raising his daughter his humor was DEEP, it made me want to cry and laugh and cry again. I remember thinking he is so real! So authentic and so BRAVE to get up and talk about what makes other people uncomfortable (death and especially death of a loved one). Then I heard he got engaged and I was sooooooo excited for him and his new bride to be and his sweet little girl : ) Of course there is always the negativity and the judgments but I agree with Patton, your response to it all was so beautiful, so deep, so HEART said that I had to subscribe to you and now respond. So THANK YOU for writing, it is truly a gift you have received and it blesses others like me (and it looks like Patton too:)
Now I’m just cursing myself for having subscribed because I want to read EVERYTHING you have written and I’m not going to get anything done this whole week! But I think God knew that today I would discover this and that it would touch my soul so deeply that I would respond and so there must be more He is trying to show me or teach me thru you!
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Erica, Your response is extremely well articulated. I’m also a widower of 15 months. I found myself being too concerned about how others might judge me. “when is too soon”. Your response has helped put it into perspective for me and for that, I thank you. You too will find someone again. Screw the assholes that haven’t walked in our shoes and have no clue how painful it is. Everyone deserves to be happy. I hope the sun shines again for you and your children. All the best.
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If he can wait a few months and start dating again and get married a few months later, then good for him, most people can’t do that after a tragic loss. Just the thought of moving on and doing all the things you used to do with your wife and now doing it with someone else just seems awkward, but I think the real point here is that they also had children, and their child is old enough to have spent a lot of time with mommy and is now suddenly thrust into a “here is your new mommy figure” a few short months after they buried mommy. So if anything, the real issue here is stop thinking about yourself. Imagine how your child must be feeling right now. Of does she have the exact same reaction to her mothers death as he did?
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I’m not a widower, and I hope I never have to be. That being said, loved what you had to say, and support everything I read from you and others. You, and everyone else that goes through something horrible like this that not only survive, but thrive, are an inspiration.
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Beautiful.
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Love what you had to say. I have not lost a spouse but I have watched my mom go through it and she found someone six months after my stepfather died. She explained it that when you have been loved well and loved someone well you want to have that in your life again. Patton’s relationship is a testimony of the great relationship he had with his wife.
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Thank you for so eloquently stating your thoughts and feelings about a subject that you, unfortunately, know such much about. I usually don’t comment on articles like this one, but when I saw the headline on CNN.Com, I ahd to say something. When I glanced at the headline I thought, how are these people judge him! I don’t need to go on and on since you said it so beautifully. And, I’m so, so sorry for what you’ve been through! You and Patton deserve to find love again. Everybody deserves to find it again, if they choose to be brave enough and open up their hearts. Thank you for your beautiful words to ignorant, judgmental people!
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Dear Ms. Roman: I applaud you for your courage and incredible eloquence in addressing this issue. As a widow who nursed a chronically ill husband myself throughout most of our marriage of 18-1/2 years (he was on life support 4 months after our wedding – and a total of 5 times on a vent until he passed in January, 2010), I can honestly tell you I agonized over the decision as to whether or not or even IF I should venture out into the dating world again. (As a then-58-year-old widow, online dating was suggested by friends who met their spouses in that manner, and bars were definitely not my scene at that age!) I even worried about my then-34-year-old stepson’s reaction to my considering dating – when I broached the topic to him, reassuring him I did not want to be disrespectful of his father’s memory, he laughed and said, “Mom, you dedicated yourself to taking care of Dad practically your whole marriage – you deserve to find some happiness and someone to take care of YOU for a change!” What a relief that was! I am happy to report that I did find a wonderful gentleman in November, 2012, 3 years my senior, happy, healthy, well-adjusted, who adores me as I do him. You stated it perfectly: the human heart does indeed have an incredible capacity to expand and envelop new love, without discarding the memories of our previous love/spouse. I join you in wishing Mr. Oswalt and his new fiancee’ all the happiness their hearts can hold – they certainly deserve to live their life together in joy, without others denigrating their newfound love. You cannot put a time frame on when the heart is ready to move forward….each individual is different. My own mother was widowed very suddenly in 1953 at 26, after only 6 years of marriage; she was left to care for my 4 year old sister and me, a then 3 -month-old baby. She ended up marrying a wonderful, loving and kindhearted man – who just happened to be my father’s best friend, and whom she had known for over 10 years. Their marriage, just 14 months after my father had passed (yes, my grandmother was indeed scandalized, but she got over it!), lasted 46 years, and it was truly a match made in Heaven. No one fully understands love and loss until they have walked in those shoes. My mother was very happy for me when I met my current fiance’ – primarily because she understood what it felt like to have lost a spouse, and knew how fortunate we both were to find true love again. In closing, thank you for expressing so perfectly what it means to lose a mate, and explaining that there is no set time limit on mourning – or a “right time” to move forward. God bless you and your beautiful children, and I wish you happiness and peace.
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Erica, this is such a touching post and I’m glad you are able to actually receive and read the swell of support for your words, as they truly are a gift. It disappoints me that people would choose to judge something so beautiful as a widower’s healing and the rebuilding of a family the way that many have. Everything you say about the bravery, courage, and fortitude it takes to risk love after loss could not be more true. A dear friend of ours lost his wife and the mother of his two girls two months ago to a horrific car accident, and I hope so much for him to one day experience the heart expansion and healing that you describe, on any timeline, because he and his daughters deserve love, family, and a life of happiness–everyone does. Needless to say, I’m so very happy for Patton, Meredith, and Alice and am so glad that your message reached them. Wishing you and your little ones the best on your journey, and so grateful that you are sharing your healing with the universe. Thank you!
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Erica,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Chuck K.
(Widowed 12/22/16)
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I fully agree with everything here, and am very happy for Patton Oswalt as well. I’ve always been a fan of his intellect and wit. I do think, though, that it’s normal and healthy to question whether his intentions are pure. Because profound grief does cloud the mind, after all. However, I certainly won’t insist that he can’t possibly know what he’s doing . That is entirely between him and his new love.
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Thank you for sharing. As an 8 month widower, after 10 1/2 years as primary caregiver, my only question is why are men called widowers, instead of widows? I hope you find true love and I hope that some day – and it’s nobody’s business when, but mine – that I find true love again.
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